Losing complacency

Everyone tells you that you shouldn't be looking for a relationship, that they should just happen. I've never understood that, until some two weeks ago. I've been longing for a girlfriend since elementary school, but it has always felt like it's something out of reach for me. Either I'm ugly or I just fail at courting, or maybe I just can't find someone I'm truly interested in. Having had this longing and feeling of lack for about 14 years, during my whole teenage years and growing up, I'm afraid it has programmed my brain negatively. It's also that I don't believe in attraction, that I can't get attracted to someone, and she attracted to me, and we can just let stuff happen. I always feel like I have to force it.
Anyway. I lost this feeling of lack some two weeks ago and it lasted for about a week and a half, it felt great to actually not be desperate for a relationship! I finally understood what people were talking about, and that I can actually feel that way. It was a bit magical...
But then it went away. :'( Now, I'm back to the way I used to be... sad that I don't have someone to love, to hang out with. Sad that the outlook is so bleak. Not because there are no girls, it's just that I can't bring myself to go to places where there are girls. It's my brain that is putting up all the barriers. I think I would like to go to bars and practice talking to strangers, but there's such a strong force making me not do it... I think the feeling I get is anxiety. I'm not even sure I really want to do it.

It happens to a lot of people. I'm not sure if you'd like to go to bars to talk to strangers though... the dynamics in there seem to be way different than at other random places.

perfanoff said:

It happens to a lot of people. I'm not sure if you'd like to go to bars to talk to strangers though... the dynamics in there seem to be way different than at other random places.

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Yeah, maybe I won't like it, maybe I will? I think it's the same feelings for going out and doing other stuff as well, only larger/more severe. Like, taking improv classes. I might actually do that because I like the activity itself. Hm...

Tusk, I'm one of those people who believe that the best relationships just happen. And I believe in this because you never know what could happen. That's not to say that you shouldn't put any effort into it whatsoever. I think it's more of you should just be yourself. I think too many people try to pretend and be someone they're not, and that can make them feel like they HAVE to lie or be someone they're not to get someone. I think it would be great for you to do that activity because it is something you enjoy, and you could possibly find someone who shares that interest with you.

It's better to let things work out naturally, and not rushed or being with someone because you can. It will be more rewarding.

Yeah what you could do now is simply think of what you would like to do when the time comes. You could plan out your dreams with a Girl. I do that myself sometimes. What I SHOULD do, is write it down Cause I forget and then when it comes to doing something special for a Girl, I'm stumped.

like you said...your brain got programmed...and other's brains got programmed too.
As you're de programming...you must also filter out other people's BS or old ideas too.

Im not religious but I took my Q from the wise.
Budah....spent almost a decade of his life following others.
The guru and the so call mastered of spiritualities.
At the end of that..he was still as fucken lost and didnt have anymore answers/peace
he was seeking.

Budha's great awakening was when he followed his own intuitions.
Other people didnt have the answers to his life nor could live it for him.

Wheather you call it...empowerment, self actualization,believing in yourself or a spiritaul awakening.

My own personal lesson was the same...
Through recovery , NA, AA...ect.
Having attended 12steps for decades I got programmed. Not all was good or bad.
But I got programmed reading, studying and hearing the same message over and over again.
We can share experience, strenght and hope....but that would be all.
My ESH is just that....my ESH. Everyone's else ESH are just that...thier ESH.

Breaking out of our rut or comfortzone is possiable.
You didnt get that way over night...so you're not going to change overnite.
Sometimes it's like wash, rainse and repeat process.

I do lots of positive self talk....bascially de programming and reprograming myself.
I go to bars, clubs or other social gathering places to meet women...
It felt stupid and retarded at first becuase I havnt done it for so long.
After a couple of month or so...I adjusted. It wasnt a big deal anymore.
I can talk to women or strangers ive never met..it's not a big deal or a sin.
Nothing bad happened. Ive met plenty of interesting poeple or women
at bars or nightclubs within the past 6 months.

Im not single at the moment. Renae and I re united after another seperation.
My family, friends and people have lots and lots of opinions and thier own ESH about
relationships. They may even give me advice.
Im fulley awear..that it is becuase they care for me and dont want me to get hurt again.

The thing of it is...It's my life. I must do what is right for me.
Follow my own heart and intuition. Believe in myself. Trust in myself.
I love Reane very much...It's my turth.

It will come and go. I blame the human services drive. I find that seeing the crappie side of whatever you long for is a good way to not want it. For instance, if you have a relationship you have to deal with that female's life as well as your own. Another thing I hate is the idea of dealing with her family. I could care less about my own what would make hers any different?

Frustration to anger and anger to hate. Then you won't care.

Fck.. why is it so hard to find someone, why does it have to be the hardest thing in the world? The thing I want the most and it is never 'given' to me. Maybe I'm spoiled. But I'm getting so fed up having to work on my social demeanor all the time, why can't I be good enough? Why do I have to be so much better than everyone else?? And how come it's so easy for other people? Others that might actually have lower social competence than me! Cause and effect has gone out the window!
I'm so tired of this. It's honeysuckle. I wish there'd be an airplane engine crashing through my bedroom when I'm sleeping there, so I can finally be free. I know I'd be smiling, too. Sad...
Being single is like a huge hammer hanging over me. It's the only hammer, but it's freaking huge and pervasive. And I KNOW how nice it is when it's gone.

Positively minded people tend to be more attractive, to both sexes.
Just sayin'.

tusk said:

Fck.. why is it so hard to find someone, why does it have to be the hardest thing in the world? The thing I want the most and it is never 'given' to me. Maybe I'm spoiled. But I'm getting so fed up having to work on my social demeanor all the time, why can't I be good enough? Why do I have to be so much better than everyone else?? And how come it's so easy for other people? Others that might actually have lower social competence than me! Cause and effect has gone out the window!
I'm so tired of this. It's honeysuckle. I wish there'd be an airplane engine crashing through my bedroom when I'm sleeping there, so I can finally be free. I know I'd be smiling, too. Sad...
Being single is like a huge hammer hanging over me. It's the only hammer, but it's freaking huge and pervasive. And I KNOW how nice it is when it's gone.

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It shouldn't be a huge hammer.

Trust me that if you find confidence and positivity in yourself, it will come with relative ease. It definitely seems to be one of those things where the more you try for it, the more it seems to flee away; there are some adjustments to that, of course - there are definitely ways to be more engaging and actively looking, but it seems to be true in the main.

I don't think it has that much to do with social competence for what it is worth.

perfanoff said:

Positively minded people tend to be more attractive, to both sexes.
Just sayin'.

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I think I'm a positive guy, I tend (or tended?) to look on the positive side of things. I even started thinking positively about being single, hence this thread. But that was just for a short while.

IgnoredOne said:

It shouldn't be a huge hammer.

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But how can it be not? I can't simply will it away. I hope I was just at a high peak when I wrote that reply, but I do get bouts like that. Sometimes, I even get those feelings when I'm out with people.

Trust me that if you find confidence and positivity in yourself, it will come with relative ease. It definitely seems to be one of those things where the more you try for it, the more it seems to flee away; there are some adjustments to that, of course - there are definitely ways to be more engaging and actively looking, but it seems to be true in the main.

I don't think it has that much to do with social competence for what it is worth.

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I've got self confidence (again, I think...); I like who I am, and I'm pretty darn good at what I do. My interests are smart and unique. I usually manage to do most things I put my mind to. Though I'm lacking a bit in self esteem. It hasn't helped yet, afaik.

I even dreamt about being lonely, I remember an IM list from the dream where I had just two contacts online. One of them was my ex-gf that seemed to have changed her last name to her new boyfriend's name...

I'm at a plateau;
not feeling good enough about all this so I have to push for it. Thus, a stress about going out and doing things, which leads to me refraining.
not feeling bad enough, so I get the power of "proving that I'm undatable," which would've put me in more social situations.

Look at it that way: a whole lot of women feel the same way as you do. And most of them tend to be more emotional, hormones and all. It's usually up to the man to brave the whole thing by carrying the risk of rejection. So you don't need to be afraid because other people are more afraid than you are.

I'm sorry if I'm a bit old-fashioned for your situation.

tusk said:

Fck.. why is it so hard to find someone, why does it have to be the hardest thing in the world? The thing I want the most and it is never 'given' to me. Maybe I'm spoiled. But I'm getting so fed up having to work on my social demeanor all the time, why can't I be good enough? Why do I have to be so much better than everyone else?? And how come it's so easy for other people? Others that might actually have lower social competence than me! Cause and effect has gone out the window!
I'm so tired of this. It's honeysuckle. I wish there'd be an airplane engine crashing through my bedroom when I'm sleeping there, so I can finally be free. I know I'd be smiling, too. Sad...
Being single is like a huge hammer hanging over me. It's the only hammer, but it's freaking huge and pervasive. And I KNOW how nice it is when it's gone.

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What a pathetic post. What's worse, I know I felt all of it.

perfanoff said:

Look at it that way: a whole lot of women feel the same way as you do. And most of them tend to be more emotional, hormones and all. It's usually up to the man to brave the whole thing by carrying the risk of rejection. So you don't need to be afraid because other people are more afraid than you are.

I'm sorry if I'm a bit old-fashioned for your situation.

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Thanks for your replies, and I will try to keep that in mind. I tend to put people above me when meeting them for the first time.

There again... think I'm starting to hate my ex. I don't know if I care about my life anymore.

tusk said:

Fck.. why is it so hard to find someone, why does it have to be the hardest thing in the world? The thing I want the most and it is never 'given' to me. Maybe I'm spoiled. But I'm getting so fed up having to work on my social demeanor all the time, why can't I be good enough? Why do I have to be so much better than everyone else?? And how come it's so easy for other people? Others that might actually have lower social competence than me! Cause and effect has gone out the window!
I'm so tired of this. It's honeysuckle. I wish there'd be an airplane engine crashing through my bedroom when I'm sleeping there, so I can finally be free. I know I'd be smiling, too. Sad...
Being single is like a huge hammer hanging over me. It's the only hammer, but it's freaking huge and pervasive. And I KNOW how nice it is when it's gone.

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I know it is frustrating. I had several failed relationships before I met and married my wife. I did not like being single.

I am far from perfect, as I have shared in other posts. But even after all the sh*t that I have inflicted on my wife, and have had inflicted on me, I still consider getting married to be the best thing I ever did. Hurting my wife like I have makes me feel ashamed and I want to change. This forum is helping me to do that. She is helping me to do that.

At the end of the day, we're just people. We're not perfect. We make mistakes before and during our relationships. That's life.

These relationships that you observe that "seem so easy" are probably not as easy as you seem to think. Just because a couple is happy doesn't mean that it has not been a hard road to get to that point. The point is -- you just don't know.

Anything worthwhile takes patience and work. Sometimes just having "patience" with yourself and with others is the "hard work" that you are being required to do.

Thanks for your reply, Tom.

tom_lonely said:

At the end of the day, we're just people. We're not perfect. We make mistakes before and during our relationships. That's life.

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Something struck me; I'm mostly just debugging my life. Looking for faults and how to fix them. I even have fun just to "make me better".

These relationships that you observe that "seem so easy" are probably not as easy as you seem to think. Just because a couple is happy doesn't mean that it has not been a hard road to get to that point. The point is -- you just don't know.

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That's true, everything does seem easier when someone else does it. But, I've had one relationship in my life. Obviously, it's pretty **** hard for me to initiate relationships. Harder than for most other people.

Anything worthwhile takes patience and work. Sometimes just having "patience" with yourself and with others is the "hard work" that you are being required to do.

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I wish it was like this, but girls expect you to be interested in that way from the beginning, otherwise they won't bother!

Hi tusk,

I wish you good luck. When I am feeling happier and mentally "clear and alert" -- I realize that all people have worth. You are worthwhile. You deserve to have someone to love that loves you back.

I wish I had easy answers. I don't. Often when I read a post like yours and feel to offer some advice I stop and think, "Why would you ever think you could give advice on relationships, Tom? Maybe you can give advice on what NOT to do..." LOL. But I still post anyway. Even in my weakness, perhaps something I say can help somebody. That is why I still post.

The fact that you are coming here and opening up to us about what is going on in your life and the frustrations that you are encountering tells me that you are on the right track. You cannot work on something you don't acknowledge or don't even realize needs working on. There are probably 10 other people who will read this thread and think "Man, I wish I had the guts to say what tusk is saying."

I told another person on here to perhaps take a break from dating for a while. Clear your head. Stop filling it with unanswerable questions about why the opposite sex behaves the way it does. Women don't make sense. That's what makes them interesting. That is what makes them so frustrating, too. So - take a break. Stop worrying about it. It's not quitting. It's not giving up. It is just removing yourself from something that is frustrating you for a while.

I am a firm believer in the power of the subconscious mind. When you remove yourself from a frustrating situation and focus on something else....I believe that a part of your brain continues to work on the problem. Then, when you approach the situation again...you see it with new eyes. This is a healthy thing for any aspect of life that seems impenetrable.

Thanks again, you made me feel better. I appreciate the "no easy answers" sentiment, the quick fix never works long-term.
One problem is that I don't trust that I will have feelings, maybe out of nervousness or something. So I try improve in that regard; my feelings have been repressed for too long. If they exist.
I wish I could remove myself from the want to find someone, or maybe it's a need? It's been so ingrained in my brain; if you don't have someone, you're a nobody.

tusk said:

Thanks again, you made me feel better. I appreciate the "no easy answers" sentiment, the quick fix never works long-term.
One problem is that I don't trust that I will have feelings, maybe out of nervousness or something. So I try improve in that regard; my feelings have been repressed for too long. If they exist.
I wish I could remove myself from the want to find someone, or maybe it's a need? It's been so ingrained in my brain; if you don't have someone, you're a nobody.

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I think there are a lot of people that have feelings like this. But it is simply not true. You are still somebody, whether you have a significant other or not!

I would encourage you to keep posting here if you feel it is helping you sort things out.