.....My Songs.....and daily journal..

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Lena

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I feel like this is a simple beat, but my beats seem to have a haze over them. Like it reflects my emotions. Creating beats is the only way i know i can express myself in the highest form.

I barely share these, but i wanted to share this one.

My Instrumental


So I've decided to write daily journals or something like that...maybe my rants or whatever here to refrain from making hundreds of threads..but that is something i wanted to talk about.. I come to forums such as these and others to find others like myself to reassure myself that I am not alone in my thoughts and also to read about others' experiences...

However due to my EXTREME social anxiety problem, these types of forums also stir me up inside.. I have major anxiety over posting things to the point where I'll impulsively post something because I want to say it at the time, then I'll want to edit it or take it down shortly after. Give it two or three minutes and I'll regret putting anything up because of the way my mind works.

It's weird because I love to socialize and I also hate it at the same time. I can't handle it and I'm learning to tell myself "no" a lot more to wanting to socialize and things. People get tired of me wondering if they're talking behind my back or if they were being sarcastic while talking to me, so I just learned to keep to myself. This is sad though. I feel terrible right now. I think I'm going to cry. I'm so lonely and I feel like complete trash. I am such a sensitive person, everything gets to me. The smallest things and most of the world, they're so mediocre, but this is not my true nature. However, living in such a society, you have no choice. Either you fake it or you learn to isolate yourself so you can be by yourself to be your true self...

I don't know...

:(
 
I liked your instrumental has a nice beat to it :).

I can understand how you can get anxiety when posting things, i tend to do the same i often write out a few different posts and then either not actually post them or go back and edit them after i have posted them as i feel like somehow what i have wrote will cause me problems or something like that.

Sorry you feel sad i hope you feel better, it can be hard keeping everything inside and trying to pretend things don't bother you when they really do.

I have been lately suffering more with anxiety and it really takes it out of you and lately i have been just avoiding people, when i am out i often feel like people are judging me or saying things about me i start to get in that train of thought and it can be really hard to just try and be "normal" i know most people probably don't pay me any attention at all.
Although it does not help in my neighborhood most people just stare at you for no reason :).

Hope that made some sense as i am feeling a bit braindead.
 
Hi John. Your words were okay, there was nothing twisted or bad that I did not understand. I know how you feel about your anxiety because I have it too. Maybe not as bad though, but it's there. How do you feel on forums? I know you said you edit and things but I mean, do you get anxious about people on forums as well? Anxiety really sucks...

and thank you for replying and for the compliment.

~ L


Today was horrible. I went shopping for a few things and my brother took too long in the store, so I was left out in front of the car on my own. People kept walking by looking at me like "Why is she standing there like that. " - I mean, that's not what they were saying, but that's what it looked like through their body language and stares. I got so irritated and embarrassed and I had an attitude for about 5 minutes, then I decided to let it go. I almost panicked out there because I was scared a few men were gonna try to hurt me. I'm very suspicious of the men here now because I had an incident not too long ago where a man was following me in the mall.

I seriously feel like crap. My friends stopped talking to me out of the blue sky. It makes me feel like crap. Then to top that off, people judge me by my cover and expect for me to be some chick that has a boyfriend, or that talks to all these boys. They think I'm stuck up and that I'm the type of girl that likes money and cars. In reality, I'm a lame, loser, stay at home person. I'm awkward with men and just with people period because I get shy and uncomfortable. I suck. I'm not like all the other girls and then when men finally talk to me, they don't want to anymore. Not even chicks... I'm not degrading myself, I'm just being honest. This is the way it is. This is the way I am.

I feel isolated and I feel like it's because nobody likes me and also because I'm wanting to be alone kind of because I have no other choice..If I do talk my social anxieties will kick in and all of that, but if I don't, I'll feel horrible. So I want to be alone and I don't want to be alone at the same time because the reason for me wanting to be alone in the first place is based on how I think others treat me.

*sigh*

I don't know. I'm sleepy, so I guess I'll go to bed... : '(
 
I'm in the bathroom crying. Nobody wants to talk to me. Am I really that bad? You can't blame people for what they feel...but it hurts my feelings. I'm not lonely because I choose to be. I'm lonely because I have no choice. :' (
 
Today I went to the Casino, lost all of my money because I made a dumb decision. Then, I saw a gorgeous man in the cafe, and all we did was make eye contact, nothing else. After he left I started trying to hold back tears because I was reminded of how unlucky in love I am. Unlucky in life. My life sucks. Then to make matters worse, I looked stupid because at first I was lost and didn't know what to do.

I don't get why my life sucks so bad. People don't want to be bothered with me. I need a boyfriend and I can't get one. I HATE everything!! :'(
 
I liked your instrumental :)

As for your other issues I think maybe you're just too hard on yourself, or hypercritical of things. I was the same way for a long time and over analysed a lot of stuff. It sounds like you might have some self esteem issues. I've found that the more comfortable I am with myself, the better I do socially. It's not like self esteem is something most people can just turn on or off like a light switch. A good first step might just be trying to think of things you like about yourself, and that you know deep down inside that even if everyone in the world was trying to criticize those things, you would still know that they were good and that you were proud of yourself for them.
 
Thanks....

And I understand what you're saying, but I don't think I'm too hard on myself. I'm pathetic and people don't like me. I wish I had a bestfriend, I wish I had a boyfriend, I wish I wasn't scared to do certain things, life sucks.

I used to have really high self esteem, but I finally realized, I had no reason.
 
I'm a lonely loser faced person. Blahhhh. Today some lady was talking to my mother and brother and I tried to say something and she skipped over me and I sat there holding back tears. I felt so stupid.

Ugh. Then on top of that..nevermind... :'(
 
I don't know what I did that for. I know it's going to make me feel like crap and I'm gonna wanna end up removing it.
Stupid impulses.
 
You have to fight against your thoughts and tell yourself that its not your problem what others think of you. Just do your best and you'll do better. Do what matters to you, help others a little, it creates a sense of obligation within them to return the favor...and then you have mutual good feeling between the two of you. Etc.
 
Lena said:
I'm in the bathroom crying. Nobody wants to talk to me. Am I really that bad? You can't blame people for what they feel...but it hurts my feelings. I'm not lonely because I choose to be. I'm lonely because I have no choice. :' (

why doesnt anyone wants to talk to you? why are you lonely because you have no choice?
isnt there someone whom you can hang out with whether a boy or a girl?
 
Thank you. I don't know if I'll post anymore though. I'm kind of worried about sharing them.... I was just comfortable with that one..


I don't have anyone to hang out with or talk to, boy or girl. It sucks. Most of the boys are just only into sex, and then the girls judge me and don't like me. He sucks. : (

today, I know I am hideous. I've been reminded of just how pathetic the world thinks I am.....
 
Yeah and I'm afraid I never will. I don't know..maybe I'm the problem..
I feel like complete CRAP. I wanted to use the S word. I wanna cry.
People hate me and I don't do anything wrong. I'm honest and I have emotions.
I know the world would rather be detached from their emotions and things, but I'm not. I'm too sensitive, and I don't fit in.
I really feel like if I died nobody would even care.

I feel like a waste of life. I'm not what this world is about, therefor I am nothing of what it needs.

:'(
 
Dont say that. You could hang out with the people in forums for the time being. At least you know somewhere out there in the other parts of the world, people are listening to you and talking to you. Pretty cool too. If you need a listening ear, you can always drop me a pm.
 
Veilside05 said:
Dont say that. You could hang out with the people in forums for the time being. At least you know somewhere out there in the other parts of the world, people are listening to you and talking to you. Pretty cool too. If you need a listening ear, you can always drop me a pm.

Thank you for your nice words. My problem on forums and private messages, is that I'm going to be bothersome to others; even when they do offer for me to come in. In the past people on forums have ditched me and now, I am afraid to reach out like that. I also don't want to place my burdens on others ahicj is why I made this topic. I would be out of everyone's way....Today, I feel really really terrible. The internet " friends" I did have just stopped talking to me for some reason...I'm stuck wondering what is wrong because some days they're okay & the next they don't want to speak to me for a week. I don't care if im labeled as needy, you don't tfeat people like that. It's unacceptable. At least address why you're being so fickle! I don't know what to do anymore ...I don't know what my problem? Even ranters don't want to rant to me. I must have a demonic aura or something. I suck : '(
 
I've developed a very unhealthy addiction to sleeping pills.
At first, I took them to get to sleep, now I just reverted back to my old addiction to pills.
I know that I am lowkey unhappy and depressed...now I feel like I'm leaning on them and I don't know what to do..

I can not see a doctor or anything, and that probably wouldn't be the best thing for me because they prescribe pills to you..
 
No matter what I do, I just....
It won't get any better...It just is not...

*sigh*

I'm worried now...
 
Lena said:
No matter what I do, I just....
It won't get any better...It just is not...

*sigh*

I'm worried now...

you seem like you are going on a downward spiral...but i don't see how this needs to be the case.

Try think on something more positive and spend time focusing on that for a while.
 

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