Out of the Hospital - A Rant

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Doubt The Rabbit

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For anyone who didn't know (not that everyone really needs to...), I have spent the past month-and-three-weeks sharing a hospital room with my mother as we watched over my sister entered an episode that we, at the time, believed was her end of life stage.
Somehow or another, she didn't die... We have had lots of struggles in the hospital to keep her alive, mainly with the doctors trying to cut her off her G-tube feeds, ultimately starving her to death, but it's all over now. She's back at "home" with her usual routine.

Except it's not home, it's not "usual", and it's totally out of any routine I've been in.
My mother, on impulse, decided to sell our house and buy a smaller one when she thought my sister was going to die. She claimed she was "Letting Go" when really she was running away. A person who has let go can comfortably enter the room where their loved one used to live without sadness or regret. She simply can't do that. On the would-be day of my sister's death, she couldn't even hold the girl until I pep-talked her.

Not that I find anything wrong with it, in fact I don't really care how she would have chosen to deal with this, but I would like to make certain the correct label is being placed on her actions. She has not let go of anything. She is running away.

Everything was looking up in the hospital, I suppose. We had found a new house. Then, a bigger house, when we learned that my sister wouldn't be dying just yet. All that was fantastic, at least, until the sale of our house fell through and we were outbid on the new house. Then we learned we were being kicked out of the hospital in a week. Then my mother decides to tell me that she's dating someone. Also, they're getting married. Also, we're going to be living in her new fiancee's house until he sells it and we can buy a bigger house. Also, he's going to be living with us in the bigger house, too.

"Ok," I said. That seems to be my standard answer for her these days. Ok. See, our household is actually a hierarchy. One knows better than to be discordant with the queen's plans. Not that I really cared. All our stuff was moved out of the old house, anyway, and my mom refused to drive within a five minute radius of our neighborhood, let alone move back in to the house. So, here we are, in our new "home," getting settled in, getting ready for a wedding, getting ready to sell the house, and all of it is getting on my nerves.

I don't want to be here. This is not my home. This is not my routine. I am not used to sticky kitchen floors and knocking on some man's door just to get the cart in which only a few of my clothes have been folded up because my mother couldn't be arsed to stick my clothes in a load while I was at the hospital, staying up for two days straight taking care of my sister while she slept soundly in her new hubby's bed. I am not used to bathroom doors that don't even close all the way, and slip open when I am not looking. I am not used to typing on my computer at a dining room table covered with sticky, itchy plastic. I am not used to having no room to seclude myself in. I had to sleep on his mother's deathbed last night, for fresia's sake.

But it's okay for everyone else. So it's okay all around, right? I don't want to be the ungrateful wretch who wanted to ruin this man's good will. I mean, I'm grateful, really, but I don't want to live here. I barely want to live with my own family. I certainly don't want to adjust to the schedule and comfort of some man who I have only met less than a month ago.

There is a lovely bathroom in the basement where, after I've spent the night searching for a dress to wear to the wedding (I HATE dresses) and realizing how fat and ugly I'll look in every single one, I go to cry. Not that anyone gives a fresia what I think.

But hey, a day in the life of living in the Queen's court.
 
SophiaGrace said:
You are not fat or ugly.

You are beautiful and sexy. ^_^ (seriously, true opinion)
Aw :p If I had that opinion about myself I would have one problem scratched off my list. (hug)

Sci-Fi said:
Welcome back.

Wow, that sounds like a roller coaster.

(HUG)

Hello Sci :eek: (hug)

IgnoredOne said:
You should move out.
Okay. Gonna pay my rent? :) Or buy me a house? Furniture, perhaps? Watch over my sister while I'm gone? In an ideal world, I could move out, no problem, and everything be peachy keen. Yup. In an ideal world, perhaps, but not the one you and I live in.

SophiaGrace said:
IgnoredOne said:
You should move out.

Doesn't sound liker her mum would take care of her sister though if she did that.
Not that she wouldn't make an effort, but she definitely wouldn't be able to do it by herself. I am the only one capable of keeping a cool head during a crisis. She would just allow people to string her along with their own agendas.

Bob Arctor said:
Bunny :( (hug)

Ryanpoo (hug)
 
Wow, that's a very tough situation to be in. I wish you strength and endurance to live through this episode and weather the storm until things get better. It wasn't smart of your mother to sell the house for no apparent reason, especially if there was a possibility of not being able to buy a new one. I don't know how old you are, but sounds like you're still young. You could go away for college, or move out when you start working full-time. In the meantime, you will get used to your mom's fiance's place, even if it won't feel quite like home. Just get outside more, learn to "inhabit" other spaces you like, for example a park, a special corner in a library, a movie theatre... If you come to a peaceful place often and are able to relax there, it will feel like a bit of home. This house can just be a "base" for you to eat, sleep and get a few things done.

I'm also living in a place I don't really like right now. It's a shared house with 2 roommates who are acting a bit unfriendly towards me for no apparent reason, and which is also old & dirty (I can totally relate to being grossed out by sticky floors). I keep telling myself that :

1) This is only a temporary base... I have a time goal for when I want to move on to something better
2) This "poor" place doesn't define who I am... I am working on my education and won't be a poor person for long
3) I'm saving money, which will eventually go towards a place of my own

I also keep dreaming about my ideal house. I collect ideas and pictures - for example, when I see beautiful flowers, wild rose bushes or an apple tree, I make a mental note that I will plant those around the yard; when I see a cool house design, I make a note of that too... sometimes I even draw pictures and plans of my dream house with a garden, hedge, trees around it... When I get really depressed, I research DIY house designs, like cordwood masonry, "tiny houses" and even tents - private dwellings that will be attainable to me no matter what.

One final word of advice - turn your discomfort into motivation! Put your anger into tasks that will bring you closer to your dreams - get up in the morning and study, work, do whatever will bring you closer to having security and your own place to call home :)
 
Doubt The Rabbit said:
SophiaGrace said:
You are not fat or ugly.

You are beautiful and sexy. ^_^ (seriously, true opinion)
Aw :p If I had that opinion about myself I would have one problem scratched off my list. (hug)

*squish squish*

That is the sound of me hugging you.
 
Stranger said:
Wow, that's a very tough situation to be in. I wish you strength and endurance to live through this episode and weather the storm until things get better. It wasn't smart of your mother to sell the house for no apparent reason, especially if there was a possibility of not being able to buy a new one. I don't know how old you are, but sounds like you're still young. You could go away for college, or move out when you start working full-time. In the meantime, you will get used to your mom's fiance's place, even if it won't feel quite like home. Just get outside more, learn to "inhabit" other spaces you like, for example a park, a special corner in a library, a movie theatre... If you come to a peaceful place often and are able to relax there, it will feel like a bit of home. This house can just be a "base" for you to eat, sleep and get a few things done.

I'm also living in a place I don't really like right now. It's a shared house with 2 roommates who are acting a bit unfriendly towards me for no apparent reason, and which is also old & dirty (I can totally relate to being grossed out by sticky floors). I keep telling myself that :

1) This is only a temporary base... I have a time goal for when I want to move on to something better
2) This "poor" place doesn't define who I am... I am working on my education and won't be a poor person for long
3) I'm saving money, which will eventually go towards a place of my own

I also keep dreaming about my ideal house. I collect ideas and pictures - for example, when I see beautiful flowers, wild rose bushes or an apple tree, I make a mental note that I will plant those around the yard; when I see a cool house design, I make a note of that too... sometimes I even draw pictures and plans of my dream house with a garden, hedge, trees around it... When I get really depressed, I research DIY house designs, like cordwood masonry, "tiny houses" and even tents - private dwellings that will be attainable to me no matter what.

One final word of advice - turn your discomfort into motivation! Put your anger into tasks that will bring you closer to your dreams - get up in the morning and study, work, do whatever will bring you closer to having security and your own place to call home :)
Well-put. Thanks, Stranger! I think I'll take your advice. I actually do have a dream place of my own in mind. And I hope you find yourself in possession of your dream home very soon. :)

SophiaGrace said:
Doubt The Rabbit said:
SophiaGrace said:
You are not fat or ugly.

You are beautiful and sexy. ^_^ (seriously, true opinion)
Aw :p If I had that opinion about myself I would have one problem scratched off my list. (hug)

*squish squish*

That is the sound of me hugging you.
Haha! *hug*
 
Doubt,

I really have a lot of respect for you. So many of us (yes, myself included) have made family disposable yet you stick by your sister despite less than desirable circumstances at home.

Thank you for making this post, it has helped me to put a few things into perspective. You have humbled me- it was a much needed lesson.

Good luck to you and your sister.
 
Lonely in BC said:
Doubt,

I really have a lot of respect for you. So many of us (yes, myself included) have made family disposable yet you stick by your sister despite less than desirable circumstances at home.

Thank you for making this post, it has helped me to put a few things into perspective. You have humbled me- it was a much needed lesson.

Good luck to you and your sister.

Family is not disposable. Family stays with you always whether you want them to or not. :/

What i mean by this is, even if you cut them out of your life, they will still have left an indelible mark upon you.
 

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