The Cage

I feel stuck in my own consciousness, in my own reality. In my body, mind and soul. Everything changes, but it doesn't even seem to move. Neither forward nor back.

I open my eyes to greet a new day and it always, suddenly hits me - that I'd rather stay asleep. Forever. I keep reminding myself that I have to confront myself. In order for something to change I have to set it all straight and clear away the fog that has taken over my life and me. But it's all so hard. So complicated. I force myself to crack the pieces one by one. But in order for something to change - everything has to change. There's just no way around it. I take a profound look at myself and my life and it feels as if I'm falling apart inside of me. Those feelings... Those thoughts... Is it all truly mine? It's all so alien, makes me wanna push it away. And yet, at the same time it all feels so close, so important that I can't choose to either let it closer or neglect it. I am stuck.

I look at the people in my life. Family, friends, passers by and those that I know to be temporary. And I cannot help but question myself - why are they in my life? What do they mean. To me, to my reality. People believe that our friends define us. Define who we are. I can only but fight this idea. I cannot be those people... They are not like me. They do not think the way I do. They do not see things the way I do. Their actions are often so unreasonable. No wonder I never miss people.

That's another thing that bothers me - why do I never miss anyone or anything? Why the only person that can actually hurt me, truly, deeply wound me - is me myself? I am empty. Cold. I do not feel love or hatred towards anyone. That's why it's so easy for me to forgive and forget. But I do feel pain. And it hurts me to be hollow. Maybe that's why I'm so attracted to the loneliness and darkness inside of me? Because although it hurts - at least I feel. Who or what damaged me so bad... The last person I told all this to called me a monster. My own mother. I saw the pity in her eyes. What was I thinking, opening up like that? I have to pretend I'm like them. I'm the only one who knows how much I love solitary. I know what love, hatred and nostalgia is. I did feel a while back. I can't remember when I stopped to. Or why. It's what bothers me. Maybe if I would remember, I could change things. Maybe I'd know how. But would I really want to? I do remember losing those senses bit by bit. I felt them abandon me. Fade away. And I remember it felt so relieving. But still I crave for human connection. I crave more than anything to be understood. But it never worked. Only made me realize, I'm better off keeping it to myself.

I watched people for so long, I started seeing through their masks. See them for who they really are. I see now how lost they are as well. But none of them want to admit to themselves that they're broken. They are looking so hard for something or someone to fix them, make them whole. But they're scared. All of them. I know many people, and not one of them has the certainty that they are complete in their eyes. It's so obvious.

I tried to run away from it all. Leave to different country. Thought maybe I could start again. From blank page. Only kept contact with people who'd hurt if I had disappeared. I don't want to hurt anyone. I don't want to be responsible for their pain. It makes me feel better when I make someone happy, make them feel good about themselves. Feel secure and understood. Feel like they have someone to rely unto. If I can't have those things, maybe I can at least give them to someone else. I might be a monster, but I am still human. I knew I was different, but I never felt as a complete outsider. Unfortunately England made me feel like a wolf in a mans world. But it also made me realize I have to show teeth and claw to survive. I just hope I will never have to use them. This short year-long trip made me understand, I didn't belong there. Made me come back. And as the famous German writer E.M.Remarque said - 'You should either never leave, or never come back. For if you do, you start to disagree with yourself.' And he was right. Now I don't belong here either. But to add to that, I feel like a man with no home, language, or culture. I feel lost in translation. I do not have any traditions. I do not have love for my own country, language or people. Or anyone's else. I feel like a wild animal who was locked in a cage for a very long time, and was set free.


I am free, but I miss my cage.

I hear you, and it all sounds scarily familiar.

If I dared speak more about the way I feel and could hold a train of thought as well as you I could have written that post for you.

I've not found any answers yet, but good luck anyway.

Col.

Thanks for taking the time to read and get back at me It's the only reason why I post these things to be honest. To get a public opinion, hear what people think/feel when they read this, what they have to say about it. And as you - maybe can relate to it or actually find it repelling.
Could call it research I guess A personal travel involving others around.
Would be nice if posting it made me feel better in any way, but relief was never my subject regarding this.

Shadow Self said:

But in order for something to change - everything has to change. There's just no way around it. I take a profound look at myself and my life and it feels as if I'm falling apart inside of me. Those feelings... Those thoughts... Is it all truly mine? It's all so alien, makes me wanna push it away.

Click to expand...

That's exactly what I feel right now. If I want some change I'll have to change everything. I'll have to change the place I'm in first. I need to go far away from where I am. I need to go where there is at least several hours of sun everyday. The weather really affects my mood. When the sky is grey and it's cold and the wind blows like hell I don't feel like doing anything.

That's why I chose Australia as a place to live. The weather is good and there is work. I just need to put some money aside and then I'll go. No matter what. I hate where I live. It's not just the fact that I don't know any people. It's mostly the fact that the environment itself does not motivates me to create friendships.