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Isla

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So here is my first real post. Im almost afraid to say the things i want to say because i'm so private, but my friends are busy with their love lifes and i need to talk. I dont want them to know of my failure. I met a guy on okcupid in june and things were amazing, we had so much in common. We don't live in the same city so we were having a distant love affair. I often got sad because i just wanted to be with him and he said he felt the same way. We talked about the future and sports and music. We talked about everything. We said we loved each other. We met last month at a place in between our cities and the sparks flew. Then ? happened. It has been almost one month now, I stopped hearing from him as much. I know that once the first part of getting to know someone is over, its not as frequent to talk, but he seems to not be interested at all anymore. I still send him emails and leave him messages, but he takes a lot time to respond now, when it was so nice before to hear from him the same day. I am humiliated to think all of that was just for him to have sex with me, and i asked him, he said no, he was just busy. I asked if we had a problem but he said no. I asked if he wanted to share anything with me, if i could help him if he was in a bad way but he got mad and said i was needy. I'm just trying to help our relationship be good like it was. The last time we spoke, i cried and he made a noise of frustration. Maybe i was bad at it, i was a virgin, i didn't tell him because i was scared. Now he doesnt talk to me at all and sent me a text that it was done. My heart is so broken. Why do guys do this and dont want to talk to you? Sorry to the guys, I never knew girl to do this so i cannot speak for them like that. Did he say i love you for the sex...oh my god i hope that is not true. Thanks you for letting me pour it out. i feel like garbage :(
 
Isla, I'm sorry it turned out that way. I always feel pretty terrible too when I read about stories like that. I wouldn't say he didn't love you, but it may have been a crush (puppy love) thing that tends to go pretty quickly.

But losing your virginity to some guy that just passes by really is not a big deal in this age. If you're young you have plenty of time to try again.

In the end of the day, life goes on. Right now I'd suggest you to not overthink the past and to especially stay away from sad music and the like :) If you feel like taking your mind off this kind of stuff, hit me up with your chat handle.
 
Girls can be just the same as guys. Lets just make that clear. As for your guy, it's hard to tell what is going on. Does he work? Maybe he is busy with that. Is he normally uptight about problems? Maybe something is up but he wishes not to share. Is he normally secretive? Maybe he is hiding something from you. Are you able to meet again? Meeting might sort out a few things. Nothing better then talking to someone in person about an issue. They can't hide from you then.
 
It's hard to say what is going on without knowing either of you, but here are my thoughts:

Did he change immediately after you had sex with him (as in after you to left the meeting place), or did it happen over a week or a few weeks? If it happened right away, I hate to say this, but he may have just be playing you. If it happened over time, you may have been smothering him - I only bring this up as a possibility because you said that he called you "needy".

It is also possible that you two were just looking for different things - maybe he was looking to casually date and you were looking for a committed relationship (although, if that's the case, it was a jerk move to tell you that he loved you).

Either way, I'm sorry that your heart was broken.
 
I'm sori 4 all d tins u goin tru. I 2 av bin tru some rily hurtful relationships but I got tru dem somehw, Cos I culdnt afford to b hurtn 4 some1 wu wasn't bodered abt my pains. Tink abt it, der av bin ppl in ur life wu wantd u, n u din want bac. Dey we're hurt, did u notice? Okay mayb u did n mayb u tried to feel sory 4 dem, but it din drw u bac in anyway. Dose r d tins I tink of wen I want som1 wu don want me bac. I knw no matter hw hard I cry, his still livn his life.
Now, I'm not sayn he don't love u or want u. Mayb u swept him off his feet n his scared of losin control of himself. Commitment can b rily scary somtims esp wen u rily love dat person. Mayb he also sort of freakd out wen he found out u a virgin. I'm just sayin.
I advice u shld meet up wit him n av a hrt 2 hrt discussion. I mean speak frm ur hrt 2 his hrt. Don b scared of soundn sily, don b scard of ur own fillins. Sink into it n spik frm der. Also tell him to b truthful abt wat happened frm his end. Let him knw u can take watever his gona say, he shldnt b scared of sayin wat will hurt u. Brace urself up 4 watever his gona say. Only den will u truly knw wat happened wit him.
If after d discussn, its clear he doesn't want u or his confusd n trin 2 come 2 terms wit wat he rily wants. Pls my dear friend, let him go. Its not easy but ul come around. Iv loved guys I tot my life was worthless witout, wu din love me bac. Of couse I mourned my agony, but I moved on. N guess wat? I fall 4 some1 else again n 4get wat it felt like 2 love d 1 wu din love me bac. N anytime I find myself in a situatn of not bein loved in return, I tink of d past ones, tink of hw I was able 2 4get dem n den I smile n knw it gona b arite.
It rily upsets me wen ppl live n grw old lovn som1 dey can't av. Geez can u afford 2 b dat miserable all ur life, while dey r busy livn diers. My dear isla, we humans av a capability 2 love over n over n over n over (I cld just kip goin) no matter hw manytimes wev bin hurt.
N.B
Don go lookn 4 a rebound boy, allow urself 2 heal 1st, so u can give d nxt person ur best. U may want som1else cos u don wana b alone, but untill u very comfortable wit bein single, before u can b truly happy bein wit some1else.
 
theraab said:
Did he change immediately after you had sex with him (as in after you to left the meeting place), or did it happen over a week or a few weeks? If it happened right away, I hate to say this, but he may have just be playing you. If it happened over time, you may have been smothering him - I only bring this up as a possibility because you said that he called you "needy".

Ditto. Sucks that he'd do something like that but there are dogs out there who do, do that sort of thing.
 
it was after we both got back home. you can't smother a person if you dont speak to them for days in a row, is that right? when i asked all the questions, it was in one phone conversation after no talking or texting or skype or emails for 5 days from him - during that time i just waited silently because as silly as this sounds, every web site out there says give the man space or you will push him away. so i did that but after 5 days i was very upset so that's when i called him. i think it was an accident when he picked up his cell because he sounded surprised to hear from me. the conversation continued off as if nothing was different. he even said he missed me, which confused me. when i confronted him about him not contacting me, that's when he said i was too needy. that made me cry and after he said it was pathetic and he hung up on me.

no he doesn't work, he is collecting unemployment because he was laid off. him and his friend live together in a cheap apartment and he said once he didnt need to work now because he makes enough money because he shares expenses. for that alone i should not have respect for him, but i was blind with love.

i think the worst part is that after the weekend together, he said he was more in love than ever, that he was going to find a way to move to my city so we could be together and i believed him. i'm 24, i know i'll 'love again', but my virginity was so important to me, maybe i should have told him about it, i was just so inexperienced and didnt know if that would turn a guy off or not.
 
munia said:
I'm sori 4 all d tins u goin tru. I 2 av bin tru some rily hurtful relationships but I got tru dem somehw, Cos I culdnt afford to b hurtn 4 some1 wu wasn't bodered abt my pains. Tink abt it, der av bin ppl in ur life wu wantd u, n u din want bac. Dey we're hurt, did u notice? Okay mayb u did n mayb u tried to feel sory 4 dem, but it din drw u bac in anyway. Dose r d tins I tink of wen I want som1 wu don want me bac. I knw no matter hw hard I cry, his still livn his life.
Now, I'm not sayn he don't love u or want u. Mayb u swept him off his feet n his scared of losin control of himself. Commitment can b rily scary somtims esp wen u rily love dat person. Mayb he also sort of freakd out wen he found out u a virgin. I'm just sayin.
I advice u shld meet up wit him n av a hrt 2 hrt discussion. I mean speak frm ur hrt 2 his hrt. Don b scared of soundn sily, don b scard of ur own fillins. Sink into it n spik frm der. Also tell him to b truthful abt wat happened frm his end. Let him knw u can take watever his gona say, he shldnt b scared of sayin wat will hurt u. Brace urself up 4 watever his gona say. Only den will u truly knw wat happened wit him.
If after d discussn, its clear he doesn't want u or his confusd n trin 2 come 2 terms wit wat he rily wants. Pls my dear friend, let him go. Its not easy but ul come around. Iv loved guys I tot my life was worthless witout, wu din love me bac. Of couse I mourned my agony, but I moved on. N guess wat? I fall 4 some1 else again n 4get wat it felt like 2 love d 1 wu din love me bac. N anytime I find myself in a situatn of not bein loved in return, I tink of d past ones, tink of hw I was able 2 4get dem n den I smile n knw it gona b arite.
It rily upsets me wen ppl live n grw old lovn som1 dey can't av. Geez can u afford 2 b dat miserable all ur life, while dey r busy livn diers. My dear isla, we humans av a capability 2 love over n over n over n over (I cld just kip goin) no matter hw manytimes wev bin hurt.
N.B
Don go lookn 4 a rebound boy, allow urself 2 heal 1st, so u can give d nxt person ur best. U may want som1else cos u don wana b alone, but untill u very comfortable wit bein single, before u can b truly happy bein wit some1else.

But we don't all have the capability to form coherent words
 
Isla said:
it was after we both got back home. you can't smother a person if you dont speak to them for days in a row, is that right? when i asked all the questions, it was in one phone conversation after no talking or texting or skype or emails for 5 days from him - during that time i just waited silently because as silly as this sounds, every web site out there says give the man space or you will push him away. so i did that but after 5 days i was very upset so that's when i called him. i think it was an accident when he picked up his cell because he sounded surprised to hear from me. the conversation continued off as if nothing was different. he even said he missed me, which confused me. when i confronted him about him not contacting me, that's when he said i was too needy. that made me cry and after he said it was pathetic and he hung up on me.

no he doesn't work, he is collecting unemployment because he was laid off. him and his friend live together in a cheap apartment and he said once he didnt need to work now because he makes enough money because he shares expenses. for that alone i should not have respect for him, but i was blind with love.

i think the worst part is that after the weekend together, he said he was more in love than ever, that he was going to find a way to move to my city so we could be together and i believed him. i'm 24, i know i'll 'love again', but my virginity was so important to me, maybe i should have told him about it, i was just so inexperienced and didnt know if that would turn a guy off or not.

He sounds like a complete dick. He's not worth being sad over. Besides you only met him in June. In my opinion you can't know if you truly love someone after such a short amount of time. That doesn't mean I don't believe you both had incredible intense feelings for each other. But that's just another thing. Real love translates into devotion, being there for each other and not taking the first possible exit (especially not after you just had sex for the first time).Also virginity is relative. My ex wanted me to take hers AFTER we broke up so she could love other guys without having to worry about the awkward first experience. How messed up is that. But she's right that it's overrated. Yeah sure you'll always remember your first time, but it's a paltry little memory which sits on the bench in memory ville. What you will really remember is having intimate, meaningful sex with someone you truly loved, and loved you in as much in return. You might be hurting a lot right now, but in a few months from now you'll be realizing how this bloke equalled absolute zero.

One last thing, don't listen to what websites say about what men want. We're all different. Some guys need space, other guys don't mind the extra attention. Find someone who's more or less on the same level as you when it comes to that.
 
the guy is a prick

find a guy who will appreciate you wanting to be with him and talk to him

but make sure to appreciate him just as much

then...get married

then...have little babies

and finally...post little cute baby pics for all of us to enjoy

seacrest out
 
thank you to all for your opinions and support. i am probably too sad to see that things will get better. of course they will. but i will never understand the nature of people who are mean to the other. when we were so close during that weekend, we talked for hours in each others arms. i asked him to always talk to me, always tell me the truth, always pay attention to me and that i would do the same because i loved him. he made those promises saying he never met anyone like me and was deeply in love. he said there would never be a reason why he would ever hurt me and i said the same. he promised that if he ever fell out of love or if he wanted to cheat, that he would be honest and mature about telling me so that we could avoid at least an aggressive breakup. i suppose he knew all the right things to say to a naive girl like me. im sure many people here know that when you put your heart and trust into a person and they trample you, that is the hardest feeling to overcome. i know my love was true, i know now that his wasnt.

edited to add: even though i know all these things, why do i still want him back? am i looking for more hurt?
 
We always hope for the best, but unfortunately, the world is a cruel and dark place. To withstand in it takes more strength than kindness.
 
i dont want to ever give up kindness. but i dont want to be weak either. i always want to have hope.
 
Without strength, you cannot protect anything or anyone, least of all yourself. Meditate on that, and prioritize.

I do hope that life treats you better in the future.
 
It's unfortunate when people aren't who or what they seem. You've got to move on.
 
Why do guys do this and dont want to talk to you? Sorry to the guys, I never knew girl to do this so i cannot speak for them like that.
it goes BOTH ways.. trust me. been there.
I know girls that are like that too, I personally feel it's a selfish behaviour. they fear being open and/or honest because they themsleves would feel uncomfortable telling you the honest feelings. so they do what is easiest for them and avoid it.. and not really concern themselves with your feelings.
 
Barbaloot said:
It's unfortunate when people aren't who or what they seem. You've got to move on.

One thousand times THIS ^

I went through a similar situation...so I know how you feel about wanting the person back but trust me it'll NEVER be the same.
Luckily, I'm not the chasing type at all so I didn't make that call.

I have some... advice and comment to make but it kinda depends on how old you are... so How old are you?
 
Hi Isla, I dont know you and I dont know this guy. But through your posts, I am quite confident he is an ass.
No decent guy will go silent on a gal for 5 days after having sex. And this is very gal he claims to be in loved with.
Seriously. He is crap. Please mend your heart and forget about this guy.

I know virginity meant alot to some gals but you cant reverse the process. I just hope this experience makes you stronger and definately help you find the right guy in your next relationship. Glad you found this forum where many will give you very good advise. You are a nice girl and deserved to be loved and not cheated.
 
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