Feel like OCD is getting worse

Several members of my family have OCD, including me. The only one who was ever extreme was my uncle, while all the rest of us (including me) have had mild, manageable cases. Growing up I didn't need anything that my own parents couldn't handle - no therapy, no medication - and I barely noticed it unless I was highly stressed. Maybe a certain number here or a particular pattern there, but nothing pressing.

This past week (with the past few months getting progressively worse) has been ridiculous, and every night I'm fretting over and wasting time repeating things until a completely irrelevant factor is "right," and eventually just burying myself into some project or other to try to drown it out. Half of my mind knows what's going on and just wants to study, while the other half of it is in complete chaos. I'm (usually) okay during the day because there's always something distracting, but in the evenings when I have less to do it starts with one thing, then two, and then it just starts to spiral.

Sometimes the computer volume, the arrangement of my drawers, the order in which I prepare and put away food, the place of things in my room, and everything else is just the "wrong" number, the "wrong" order, or the "wrong" position, and the uneasiness won't stop nagging at me even though I know it's complete and utter bullshit. Sometimes the severity level seems set, other times I feel better if I muck around a bit, and other times that just makes it skyrocket until it's all I can think about for the rest of the night and I'm barely containing the panic.

I don't know why some things are affected and not others. I'm not bothered by anything in a movie, but if I even so much as start getting dressed some evenings some factor that is technically fine is something I can fuss with and repeat half a dozen times or with half a dozen articles of clothing.

There are thoughts I don't want to think because they're ******* rude - they're not even my actual opinions - that come up completely unbidden in certain situations. I'm embarrassed to be having them and terrified that one day my tongue will slip and I'll actually say them.

I should probably be seeing someone about this.

I'm sorry, Leaf. If it's any consolation, everyone has flaws but we live through them and maybe even manage to change a bit towards the way we want to be.

perfanoff said:

I'm sorry, Leaf. If it's any consolation, everyone has flaws but we live through them and maybe even manage to change a bit towards the way we want to be.

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I hope so. I can't imagine life with this if it continues to worsen, but if I recall there are a lot of potential treatments.

I have a mild form of OCD too, so I know how you feel. In my case the thoughts are more numerous and annoying for a period of time like a week, then after that they diminish or don't bother me at all. Today, I was watching a video on the net and I spent a small segment of time, trying to get the volume number on it right ( it must be X, or something will happen ). When you think about it later, it just sounds funny. But if those thoughts bother you so much, you should seek medical help. Don't let a manageable disorder affect your life negatively.

I don't know if this is still a factor for you, but you got me thinking....

I'm not sure I can call myself OCD, as much as a stickler for things going right, but it's the same basis in any case: when you get stressed/frustrated/lonely, it seems the best solution someone with an 'itch' to get something done or *feel* progress is to try and work on the things in their life. Clean, fix things, get around to long since procrastinated things.

Thinking back on when I was in middle school, I remember being absolutely paranoid that someone was off about my room, bordering on insanity, and while thankfully I'm no longer there, still to this day, I remain a bit of a stickler for 'getting everything in its place' and having it all feel 'complete'. And nothing feels better each day when I feel frustrated than to just..... organize and improve what I can.

Honestly, I like that mindset. When you feel frustration and even anxiety, you have a need to rectify it. A need to improve and work on it. I feel that's why I can relate too.
You don't just curl up in a ball and weep about it. That is awesome. That's what made me want to post in this even 6+ years after the fact.