Hi all,
My name is Trevor and I'm from Cape Town, South Africa. I'm 30 years old and have spent most of my life out of relationships rather than in. I've searched long and hard for reasons why I feel so much and why it is that i have this terrible fear of being dumped or abandoned by the one I care about. The result is that I tend to perpetuate the very result I have described above by 'smothering' the person I'm interested in. Now I put that word in quotes because no-one has ever actually told me this and I'm definitely no stalker but I give my all to relationships I'm in. I've realized that as the lady becomes more and more sure of my affections, the less affection I receive in return. Now I don't know if my experiences just happen to have been due to an incredible amount of bad luck but I've often found that the more 'casual' and emotionally cool I portray myself to be the more the girl becomes interested - until I begin to fall in love that is. It's as if the world conditions us to be '*ssholes' because that's what keeps people wanting more - to be kept guessing. Now I consider myself a fairly intelligent guy but what I've never been able to understand is 'why'? I mean i understand it on an instinctual, almost atavistic level but surely we are more than our genes? It's a fact that if the person keeps you guessing it's obvious he/she is just not that into you. Chances are they're cheating on you or will eventually given enough time. Is it not preferable to have someone who cares too much and work your way back rather than have someone who cares too little right from the start? Especially if the one caring is intelligent, honest, introspective and courageous enough to admit when he/she is doing it and work on it. It surprises me just how many people I see in unhappy relationships and it's often because each is living for himself/herself instead of living for each other. Of course one should strive for balance and I'm aware of this but it just baffles me just how self centered people prefer to remain when in a relationship. Now I do have some experience with love (a very fulfilling 3 year relationship) and I've had two others (only a few months each) and many false starts but what really saddens me is how little actual deep thought people put into their relationships before they decide to leave out of boredom or not enough uncertainty or whatever keeps them 'excited'. Sometimes people jump from one relationship straight into another and string them along as if it were a cheap commodity up for grabs to whomever wished to take it! Where have all the patient, steadfast, dependable people gone? People who believe in love - not just the airy fairy make my heart skip kind of love but the love that becomes a decision when things get rough and the kind of foresight it takes to see that kind of love being possible in a dependable, good guy instead of in the posers, loud and obnoxious people. So I put it to you: am I just cynical or is there at least some truth in what I say and can we somehow redeem ourselves before we become mere beasts?
My name is Trevor and I'm from Cape Town, South Africa. I'm 30 years old and have spent most of my life out of relationships rather than in. I've searched long and hard for reasons why I feel so much and why it is that i have this terrible fear of being dumped or abandoned by the one I care about. The result is that I tend to perpetuate the very result I have described above by 'smothering' the person I'm interested in. Now I put that word in quotes because no-one has ever actually told me this and I'm definitely no stalker but I give my all to relationships I'm in. I've realized that as the lady becomes more and more sure of my affections, the less affection I receive in return. Now I don't know if my experiences just happen to have been due to an incredible amount of bad luck but I've often found that the more 'casual' and emotionally cool I portray myself to be the more the girl becomes interested - until I begin to fall in love that is. It's as if the world conditions us to be '*ssholes' because that's what keeps people wanting more - to be kept guessing. Now I consider myself a fairly intelligent guy but what I've never been able to understand is 'why'? I mean i understand it on an instinctual, almost atavistic level but surely we are more than our genes? It's a fact that if the person keeps you guessing it's obvious he/she is just not that into you. Chances are they're cheating on you or will eventually given enough time. Is it not preferable to have someone who cares too much and work your way back rather than have someone who cares too little right from the start? Especially if the one caring is intelligent, honest, introspective and courageous enough to admit when he/she is doing it and work on it. It surprises me just how many people I see in unhappy relationships and it's often because each is living for himself/herself instead of living for each other. Of course one should strive for balance and I'm aware of this but it just baffles me just how self centered people prefer to remain when in a relationship. Now I do have some experience with love (a very fulfilling 3 year relationship) and I've had two others (only a few months each) and many false starts but what really saddens me is how little actual deep thought people put into their relationships before they decide to leave out of boredom or not enough uncertainty or whatever keeps them 'excited'. Sometimes people jump from one relationship straight into another and string them along as if it were a cheap commodity up for grabs to whomever wished to take it! Where have all the patient, steadfast, dependable people gone? People who believe in love - not just the airy fairy make my heart skip kind of love but the love that becomes a decision when things get rough and the kind of foresight it takes to see that kind of love being possible in a dependable, good guy instead of in the posers, loud and obnoxious people. So I put it to you: am I just cynical or is there at least some truth in what I say and can we somehow redeem ourselves before we become mere beasts?
