When you're depressed...

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...do you want somebody to cheer you up, or do inspirational messages just sound patronizing, and you'd rather wallow in your misery for a while?

I get the latter a lot. I think mainly I just seem to need to experience negative emotions for a while in order to properly get over them. If I try to ignore them, they just get worse.

And I think "patronizing" is the best word for how inspirational messages sound when I'm feeling this way. They just sound so impersonal, and for someone to make me feel better, they need to actually know what I'm going through, and think about it, and personalize their advice.

On the other hand, sometimes people do actually do that, and manage to strike just the right chord. In that case, it cheers me up, and that's nice.

What about you?
 
You have to deal with the negative to get over it, yeah, like you said if you ignore them they get worse. It is always nice to talk to someone who knows what you are going through. I don't mind people trying to cheer me up, as long as it is productive and not patronizing and irritating.
 
I hope this thread expands.. I am really interested.
I don't suffer from depression specifically.. but I do have a friend that does, and this subject is frequently on my mind. trying to understand the mind of a friend in the middle of a depressive episode =/

over the past decade.. I had tried everything.
in the beginning I tried to push, tried to not take no for an answer. and sometimes it would turn into my feeling rejected. I couldnt understand what was wrong or if it was something that I had done or said..
but eventually I learned to deal with it a little better. I know that it's not my fault and I know to give her space when she sinks.
I still can never be completely sure if I irritate things or make things better, but all I try to do now is to make it clear that I understand that she is suffering, and that I am here 100% if/when she wants to talk about anything. (but of course, she never does)

I always question myself and wonder if my words help or harm her during those times. and I mean any words..
not just words of encouragement, i'm talking about even just casual talking. it is a major chore for her to string together more than 2 words at a time during certain periods, and I don't know if me chatting to her hurts or helps. I don't just mean "trying to help or encourage" I mean any chat. I will just talk about daily events or anything that comes to mind sometimes.. but at times I may scroll up on the msn window and notice that I have been the only one talking for an hour..
so.. as a friend who cares alot and willing to go far out of my way to support..
I am in a constant struggle emotionally trying to figure out if I stay firm, put my own issues aside and do what I feel is right even if she only pushes me away and acts like she doesnt care?
or do I take the hints and accept that I cannot help her (or she doesnt want my help) and just leave her be.

(last week on thursday I saw her for about 5 mins. she said hi and i'm doing good, and then didnt reply for almost an hour,when I had to go. she never logged back in on friday and I stayed off msn over the weekend. today I havent logged back in and not sure if I want to)
I would have thought that someone suffering depression and loneliness would appreciate a true friend that puts them above himself and begs to help.. but all I ever get is the feeling that nothing I do can ever help and she never shows that it's appreciated.
once her episode passes she will then look for some kind of interest to occupy the mind like a game or something, and she will submerse herself into that as a distraction. and at that point I am left talking to myself again until she tires of that game. basically the only times we have a closer relationship is just before she slips into another episode. when she starts feeling down and more open to talk about it for a day or so. I often feel like a "bad weather friend" (opposite fairweather, when they come to you only during hard times but run off with others when the good times are back)

I have encouraged her to seek help, and she now goes to weekly sessions and on meds. and that is the only thing that I can say that I may have helped.

I know its hard and confusing for people with depression, but it is sometimes equally as hard for those that care for people with depression =/
 
I've done/wanted all three. One thing is for sure that there's no getting rid of it by completely covering the situation. You have to let yourself grieve a bit but don't sink too low that you can't stand it. I think part of it is acceptance in order to keep moving on. And try to do what you can to pull yourself through..small changes do help. Having a little space to breath, is one of them.
 
When I'm depressed, the best thing somebody can do to me is to kick me down and then tell me to stop whining and get up. They need to be stronger than me in some way though.. But if it happens, it can spark the fire in me again.
 
perfanoff said:
When I'm depressed, the best thing somebody can do to me is to kick me down and then tell me to stop whining and get up.

If someone did that to me, it'd make me feel even more alone and self-hateful.
 
Yes, I am pretty sure most people wouldn't react the same way as I would. I guess there's people who when they're pushed, seek reassurance elsewhere.. and those who straight out push back. I just happen to be one of the people that instinctively do that.
 
perfanoff said:
Yes, I am pretty sure most people wouldn't react the same way as I would. I guess there's people who when they're pushed, seek reassurance elsewhere.. and those who straight out push back. I just happen to be one of the people that instinctively do that.

Well, good for you.
 
Sometimes the messages would hit home, but that time has long since past. Since I have heard most every motivational quote and can counter most of them. Plus, the generic quotes most people throw out have no effect.

Not that it is a bad thing. It just means that I am really slated to kill myself.
 
I've battled depression for many years, fifteen years to be specific. One of the things I learned in therapy is to FEEL it and go through it, not to cover up the pain or pretend it isn't there. That's the trouble, many people feel the pain and think, "I have to stop this NOW!" but it's rarely possible to just "shut off" emotions like that. So instead, what happens is a person tries to cover it and mask it... but it's still there, festering. :(
It's best to deal with and face whatever pain you're feeling dead-on. And I've learn to do that in constructive ways, thanks to therapy.

However, I don't mind inspirational cheers or giving them to others. Even if it doesn't help or cheer me up in the moment of feeling like crap, I am thankful that someone cared to try at least. But maybe that's because so few ever do in my life, besides the annoyed, "just get over it!" and "don't rain on my parade, take your tears elsewhere!" attitudes that I'm use to getting. So, I don't see a try as patronizing at all. It may be useless sometimes, but appreciated. :)
 
I LIKE to talk to someone who knows how I feel. But I tend to know lots of people who lead the lives I'd like to live. Talking to these people when I am unhappy often makes me feel worse. I feel that by telling them my troubles, I am only giving them even more reasons to be happy. It also makes me feel pitiful. Due to this, I don't talk about problems much. If I am unhappy, I will write about it. Or do exercise to make myself feel pumped.
 
Gutted said:
I LIKE to talk to someone who knows how I feel. But I tend to know lots of people who lead the lives I'd like to live. Talking to these people when I am unhappy often makes me feel worse. I feel that by telling them my troubles, I am only giving them even more reasons to be happy. It also makes me feel pitiful. Due to this, I don't talk about problems much. If I am unhappy, I will write about it. Or do exercise to make myself feel pumped.

hmmm,
thank you for that insight..
I sort of feel that is a little how my friend feels when she is at her worst.
she trusts me completely. known each other many years and been through alot. I know all her issues and theres nothing left to hide. We have in the past, spent like 8hrs in a row talking about it, but it's a very rare occurance.
But.. we are opposites in our lifestyles and I do worry that she feels pitiful and wishes she had my life. i'm not sure if talking to me makes her feel worse, but I do think that she feels like she is "exposing" herself like a raw nerve if she opens up and worried about judgement. even from me.

the hardest part about it all from an outsiders perspective is that I can't know how bad it is if she wont talk to me. at least a little.. so it's really scary from my side. i've known 2 people in my life, childhood friends, that committed suicide while in an episode of depression.. so I tend to take it fairly serious.
And she has a habit of jumping straight into some form of distraction as soon as her mood starts to lift. sink herself into a game or some other interest that takes all of her focus until she is in the clear.
our relationship is like a yoyo at times. pushes me away and hides, then quiet and distant for a while, then fade back into the best of friends.. for a while.. until the next wave and we're back on the roller coaster.

oh, and did I mention that her episodes trigger my issues?..
I am a highly sensitive personality and accutley aware of other peoples moods. paranoid about abandonment and a sub-consious self-defeating attitude at times.
so we can be a hell of pair at times lol.
 

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