Among the Sleep
Well-known member
I'm half in the bag right now so I don't know if this is gonna come off whiny and retarded. But let me just say...throughout the past like, few months or so, I've gone through a rather significant personal transformation, in a positive way. For the last like, 9 or 10 years, I've looked at myself like a complete zero who would never have any chance of having a relationship. I've had really bad self esteem issues for a really long time...and basically I've just recently gotten to the point where I've realized that I've been ridiculous.
I mean, I'm not a good looking guy. But I'm not that bad either. I'm average or slightly below, I'd say. And I know that I'm reasonably intelligent, a pretty decent person, and I know I make people laugh. So that's all well and good, and this renewed sense of self confidence that I've gained recently has been like, a godsend, because my self worth issues have led me to thoughts of suicide on a daily basis, and finally, after all this time I feel like I'm coming out on top of this honeysuckle.
But there's a but. I've never had a girlfriend. Yeah, I mean, people go through worse honeysuckle every day. Complaining about being lonely in a romantic sense just feels fuckin stupid because there are so many vastly worse things going on in the world all the time. I understand my suburban melodrama is fuckin worthless. But suffering is relative, I guess. But I'm getting to the point where, like...I just don't understand what it is about me that's repulsive to girls. I don't understand. Like I said, I have some good qualities and I'm pretty well aware of what they are...and just to be able to say that I don't understand why women don't like me is a HUGE step forward from "I'm a fat titted zilch, someone kill me cause I can't do it myself". I mean, my self confidence, surprisingly, is better than it's been in a while.
But I don't know. It just doesn't help at 5 AM, when I'm the only one awake and I'm sleeping in the same empty bed that I've never shared with anyone. Sometimes I think I might just be too weird to find anyone that I'm actually compatible with, and it makes me question my newfound confidence...like, honeysuckle, maybe I was actually right all along. Maybe I AM just a worthless pile of garbage and my new mindstate is just like, a biological trick so I don't kill myself or something. I put too much importance on relationships, I know that. Most of em don't work. But I would kill just to have the experience. The fundamental experience of falling in love, even if we break up in a year or two, just to say I've had the experience. It's like there's a party, you know, a love party, that 99% of the Earth got invited to but I didn't get an invite.
So what fuckin gives? I dunno. Maybe I just suck. Maybe she'll come in time. Maybe love is a lie and I'm better off without it. But the loneliness runs really deep at this point. And it's kind of embarrassing to be complaining about something like this, but it's very real to me, and a huge impediment to me being personally happy. But who gives a fresia, anyway. I'm one person out of 7 billion, it'd be ridiculous for me to expect that something like this should matter to anyone but me. But like...it hurts. Idk. It just fuckin hurts.
I mean, I'm not a good looking guy. But I'm not that bad either. I'm average or slightly below, I'd say. And I know that I'm reasonably intelligent, a pretty decent person, and I know I make people laugh. So that's all well and good, and this renewed sense of self confidence that I've gained recently has been like, a godsend, because my self worth issues have led me to thoughts of suicide on a daily basis, and finally, after all this time I feel like I'm coming out on top of this honeysuckle.
But there's a but. I've never had a girlfriend. Yeah, I mean, people go through worse honeysuckle every day. Complaining about being lonely in a romantic sense just feels fuckin stupid because there are so many vastly worse things going on in the world all the time. I understand my suburban melodrama is fuckin worthless. But suffering is relative, I guess. But I'm getting to the point where, like...I just don't understand what it is about me that's repulsive to girls. I don't understand. Like I said, I have some good qualities and I'm pretty well aware of what they are...and just to be able to say that I don't understand why women don't like me is a HUGE step forward from "I'm a fat titted zilch, someone kill me cause I can't do it myself". I mean, my self confidence, surprisingly, is better than it's been in a while.
But I don't know. It just doesn't help at 5 AM, when I'm the only one awake and I'm sleeping in the same empty bed that I've never shared with anyone. Sometimes I think I might just be too weird to find anyone that I'm actually compatible with, and it makes me question my newfound confidence...like, honeysuckle, maybe I was actually right all along. Maybe I AM just a worthless pile of garbage and my new mindstate is just like, a biological trick so I don't kill myself or something. I put too much importance on relationships, I know that. Most of em don't work. But I would kill just to have the experience. The fundamental experience of falling in love, even if we break up in a year or two, just to say I've had the experience. It's like there's a party, you know, a love party, that 99% of the Earth got invited to but I didn't get an invite.
So what fuckin gives? I dunno. Maybe I just suck. Maybe she'll come in time. Maybe love is a lie and I'm better off without it. But the loneliness runs really deep at this point. And it's kind of embarrassing to be complaining about something like this, but it's very real to me, and a huge impediment to me being personally happy. But who gives a fresia, anyway. I'm one person out of 7 billion, it'd be ridiculous for me to expect that something like this should matter to anyone but me. But like...it hurts. Idk. It just fuckin hurts.
