The 'Stigma' of being a lone woman in a bar

There has been times when 'I just don't want to sit in alone' and have exhausted everything I can do to entertain myself.

Guys are lucky, they can walk into a bar alone and no one bats an eyelid.

For 'women' this is not so easy ! But I just had to get out and go somewhere.

So one night I took myself to the pub/bar. But before leaving I thought of all the things that was going to make this uncomfortable:

Questions, looks (from both sexes), or even possible unwanted advances.

So I grabbed a newspaper and decided if anyone asked I would say anything other than the truth ! ei: I had missed my bus home and waiting for a lift etc.

I did this a few times and a pattern emerged.

Once the women realised I wasn't there 'on the pull' I was not perceived as a threat, once men realised that as well they didn't try it on.

But it still annoyed me having to lie - so why is there still so much stigma for a woman out socially alone.

So what do people think ?

Are we talking about an actual pub or just some club?

That makes quite the difference.

to be honest either ! in any situation when out socially alone a woman is either perceived as a target or a threat - where as a man can walk in more comfortably.

(But I wouldn't have the guts to walk into a club alone. wish I was that brave because I love dancing )

monkeysocks said:

to be honest either ! in any situation when out socially alone a woman is either perceived as a target or a threat - where as a man can walk in more comfortably.

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I agree with this, though sometimes I find it's a lot worse when I'm in the company of another woman.

monkeysocks said:

Guys are lucky, they can walk into a bar alone and no one bats an eyelid.

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Oh I don’t know. Spend a significant amount of time alone in any social location and you’ll soon start to attract the odd stares, the judgemental looks and the assuming glances. Why is that man alone? Doesn’t he have any friends? He must be a weirdo! Is he here to pick-up women? The pervert! Watch out for the weird dude at the bar! No date? She must have stood him up because he’s a creep! Heaven forbid you pull out a book because you’re a man **** it and men don’t read, they need to be leering at women and yelling obscenities!

I’m not saying either has it worse but I think single people of any gender both share some common problems.

Lost Drifter said:

monkeysocks said:

Guys are lucky, they can walk into a bar alone and no one bats an eyelid.

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Oh I don’t know. Spend a significant amount of time alone in any social location and you’ll soon start to attract the odd stares, the judgemental looks and the assuming glances. Why is that man alone? Doesn’t he have any friends? He must be a weirdo! Is he here to pick-up women? The pervert! Watch out for the weird dude at the bar! No date? She must have stood him up because he’s a creep! Heaven forbid you pull out a book because you’re a man **** it and men don’t read, they need to be leering at women and yelling obscenities!

I’m not saying either has it worse but I think single people of any gender both share some common problems.

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I haven't been into a bar in years, but I'm not sure why being a single person, either way, makes you feel uncomfortable. The people in there are not paying that much attention to you, or thinking that much about you - they have their own things going on. When you go into a bar, do you look at someone sitting alone and obsessively judge them and make decisions about what their life must be like? I know I don't.

As far as the guys hitting on the women sitting alone - that happens, what can I say. But, a guy that is approaching you is looking at you in a positive light (at least positive enough to want to talk to you).

Lost Drifter said:

I’m not saying either has it worse but I think single people of any gender both share some common problems.

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In terms of many problems concerning how other people perceive you, I agree. But in terms of becoming a target for unwanted advances, I'd say women usually have it a lot worse. Quite a number of women I've known, including myself, have had very scary experiences from men while out alone. I would rather people think I'm a loser with no friends than get followed, sexually harassed or stalked as I have been in the past. This is one of the reasons I stopped going out alone to most kinds of places.

Nothing wrong w anybody going to a bar alone regardless of reason. I don't know why you would feel the need to lie. Say your bored and wanted to have a few beers and check out all the guys. Who cares

theraab said:

I haven't been into a bar in years, but I'm not sure why being a single person, either way, makes you feel uncomfortable.

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I think there is a bit of difference between bar and pub ‘cultures’ so to speak. I tend to associate bars with being more open and lively (where you could well go unnoticed) but the small town pubs around here are very much mini-cliques where the non-regular sticks out like a sore thumb.

I agree though that women probably get more unwanted advances than men, its just a shame that either gender has to put up with nonsense when all they want to do is get out of the house.

Lost Drifter said:

monkeysocks said:

Guys are lucky, they can walk into a bar alone and no one bats an eyelid.

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Oh I don’t know. Spend a significant amount of time alone in any social location and you’ll soon start to attract the odd stares, the judgemental looks and the assuming glances. Why is that man alone? Doesn’t he have any friends? He must be a weirdo! Is he here to pick-up women? The pervert! Watch out for the weird dude at the bar! No date? She must have stood him up because he’s a creep! Heaven forbid you pull out a book because you’re a man **** it and men don’t read, they need to be leering at women and yelling obscenities!

I’m not saying either has it worse but I think single people of any gender both share some common problems.

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Thanks - I probably didn't word my initial post well.

I didn't realise men also felt like that so good to get your perspective on it. I must say though if I see a man alone in a pub I don't think any of those things - but respect and understand what you say.

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Loser#1 said:

Nothing wrong w anybody going to a bar alone regardless of reason. I don't know why you would feel the need to lie. Say your bored and wanted to have a few beers and check out all the guys. Who cares

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The reason I HAD to lie went on past experiences and was proven again once I GOT THERE.

All I wanted to do was get out of the house, I didn't go to make friends, get chatted up or even make conversations. But after half an hour (when no one was obviously joining me) the questions started. The looks started and the whispers. To say I was alone would only put me in a vulnerable situation when around people who I did not know.

so you are RIGHT there is nothing wrong with going alone to a bar alone regardless of reason - but society make you feel like there is.

I haven't really thought of that - I don't have any answers but thanks for giving me that kind of perspective.
On the other hand I haven't stayed at a bar alone for long, I guess I usually get bored and go before it gets awkward.

But I find it easy to imagine that people would start wondering what I'm up to if I stayed alone for long enough.

monkeysocks said:

to be honest either ! in any situation when out socially alone a woman is either perceived as a target or a threat - where as a man can walk in more comfortably.

(But I wouldn't have the guts to walk into a club alone. wish I was that brave because I love dancing )

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Nah, i don't think this is complete truth.

Up here we don't care tbh.

i think it's kinda universal and the only difference in a pub or just simply walking down the street is that a pub makes a guy feel it's a place where women are more approachable.
I remember a few years ago i had a convo with a female friend and we were talking about the general harrassment women encounter, so i desided to test a theory and logged into a game we were playing under a girls name while my female friend used a guys name. within maybe 2mins of my entering a chat channel started getting messages, flirts and all kinds of questions reguarding my age and location, where as my friend sat there silently with 0 pm's (as i usualy expirienced)
it gave me an entirely different perspective of what girls may go through whther it be in a pc game or out in the real world. granted the chat channel may have been more extreme than even a pub with the amount that i recieved, but it sure tells a story i think..

oh and to add to the story, while i was there a guy that was another friend of ours boyfriend also started comming onto me heavy in moments lol. he picked the wrong girl for sure hehe, so i hit screen capture and sent her the pic of the chat =)
she was my friend, not him so the bro code had no relevance

Do any of you actually gan into a pub on a regular basis?

i dont think the term "pub" is the point of it really. I know there is alot of difference between a pub and a club and a backyard party, but they are still social gathering places and it's only a matter of severity

Hank2 said:

i dont think the term "pub" is the point of it really. I know there is alot of difference between a pub and a club and a backyard party, but they are still social gathering places and it's only a matter of severity

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Yes that is closer to the point - and thanks for sharing the post above ref differences of replies to women/men.

The place is not really relevant, because even a local pub can be devoid of the local drinkers.

In my case I didn't even know the locals because I had just moved location. So not being hypersensitive, personally it doesn't bother me enough to stop going either .

Its still a hard thing for some people to do (man or woman) and a shame in a day and age that we can talk to strangers and integrate on the net more comfortably than we can in reality.

It's more you than the people around you in these enviornments.

I eat out alone nightly, it's my preference. I go to a bar/pub alone so I can just relax. I'll talk to whomever wants a good conversation, but I think it's completely normal for anybody to enter an establishment w out somebody tagging along. (man or woman). I enjoy talking to new people, bartenders, men, women, occasionally once I get drunk I'll play the basketball game w kids. If you go w somebody all your time and conversation has to be allocated to them. I'd rather have a broadbased conversation w all unless I'm on a date