lonely college life by the invisable man

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I’m 22 male, virgin.  A few male friends, well actually one.  But don't see that often nor do I really want to.  I commute from home where one parent lives, I hate it.  I hate college. it's in Philadelphia.  I don't know what I’m doing there.  the amazing thing is to me is on the full campus there is a feeling of isolation.  I feel invisible most of the time.  I know for a fact I’m not the only one but that is not very comforting.  I see many eating studying sitting alone and want to say something completely honest for once.  like , 'I lonely can me talk openly and kindly to one another and see if we like each other"?  I feel bad that there are so many(and even more than I thought now seeing this page) lonely people out there.  every one is so unique and interesting.  It's too bad we don't make it a point to introduce ourselves to every single ******* person we lay eyes on just because there may be a connection there.  looks don't mean anything because everyone is so unique and we all have so much to share and give.  Basically I make "friends" with the people I sit next to randomly on the first day of class, that's it.  I try to make friends but it never goes anywhere and I am very hard on myself with an inferiority deal going.  I hate parties because I feel stiff and awkward and like the people don't like me.  wrong I know but still it's enough to make me not go.  I don't drink so that discourages me from trying to break some hardcore ice at a real party.  but I feel those kids are shallow especially if I go solo.  It's amazing sometimes I can go the entire 7-hour day without saying one word. I desperately want to though. I smoke a lot of pot, which does not help with sociability one ******* bit.  When people ignore or I fuckup some interaction I comfort myself with the fact of , "oh well I’ll just get high".  I've been in that cycle for years now.  I love the intimate vulnerable real conversations that happen alone between close people.  I wish it could be like that all the time, instead of sarcastic jokes, masculine gesturing, and guarded analytic conversations.  

self help(yes I’ve been desperate enough to go down that road many times) books talk about how a lot of us probably on this forum arte "waiting".  Were waiting for that special someone to come into out life and make it meaningful. so we all have to get out there right and put our out happy face and act like we don't have to persuade ourselves to get up in the morning because we wonder what’s the point.  Yeah ******* right, how depressing. I've read books on every religion and all philosophies.  new age stuff like Wayne dyer, some Dali lama like stuff, Hinduism, and every other self-help book I thought might comfort me. At the end of them I felt like I am trying to delude myself, to try and convince myself of the power of now, or the beauty of sunsets, detachment from the fruit of action, and all that other related stuff which  now what seems to me, garbage.  Stuff to make money of us lonely people.  masturbating get real boring and depressing after a while though as all of you probably know but I’d be interested in opinions.  I depress myself, I know. I sickly enjoy it like a drug.  I don't know how to get off it though.  if your still reading, you're awesome, thank you.  this will sound real dumb and redundant but  its nice to know that there are still lonely people out there, and I not the only one sitting home alone wishing things could be different but don’t know how, maybe thinking about calling that distant contact, male or female, late at night when the loneliness just feels like it's too much one night.  I don’t of talk to them (lonely people) during my days so it's nice we can communicate of express ourselves openly and anonymously here in the artificial cyber world.

Something else that maybe some of you have experienced.  you meet someone that you’re attracted to, you seem to get along.  She or He is more popular than you, probably common if you're on this forum. better social skills which is why they were able to even talk to you in the first place.  they ask about things you do or the dreaded( to me), "What are you doing this weekend(or tonight or a holiday) the answer is always the same, "nothing".  And they might answer "oh", and proceed to tell you about their big plans or may kindly spare you.  Either way I feel like I’ve been exposed as a loner, someone with something different about them and probably interpreted to the other as sad or desperate and it appears unattractive.  The problem perpetuates itself b/c when someone does brush into my life I’m either, "aloof" which one girl described me as which was fuckin' dead on.  I’m afraid to get hurt or feel awkward, cowardly I know.  Or I weakly try to pursue and it just fizzles out in a sad way.  I’ve only a few times in entire life let someone actually "see" me.

I used to be an extrovert, I had friends and didn't care what people thought of me, which always I think, goes in your favor.  I went to high school and became a loner.  I was scared of the extroverts and judgmental people there.  the things that were respected and thought of as funny there I could not relate to.  I hid for four years.  I’ve never been on high school date, never kissed a girl til college, but that’s as far as it went. Never went to any school function, (games, prom, or graduation) because what was the point to be like George Mcfly in back to the future dancing by yourself in a fancy outfit?  I absorbed myself in a hobby(which im not saying I order to perhaps obscure myself a little better) and drug use.  both solo home alone activities.  I had one friend all of high school who didn't even go to the same school.  

I go to school and come home to what I wish was an empty house but worse it has a angry depressed parent there which is even worse and more depressing and alienating.  People would come to my funeral if I died but no one I care about, because know that I think about it I care almost about no one.  I'm not proud of that.  maybe a few people.  

I ask all of you who perhaps think this, what makes us think that a relationship will solve our problems?  dating can be very depressing at times from my incredibly limited experience bank.  Online dating seems way too sad but perhaps I’ll give it try if I’m still a virgin in a year.  It seems I may be wrong but online dating look more attractive to women because nice guys(and nuts) are more willing to go to that and not feel weird about it.  When I see a female's ad I think she must have been kicked around in some bad relationships and probably has some mental problems.  Wrong I know but I involuntarily think that.  then again I don’t know what's it's like to have some ugly creep just want to stick his dick in you and that's it.  I'd be interested in what gay/lesbian loneliness and online dating is like is, more isolating or less, or depends on person and situation.  sorry I’m categorizing here, but I really know no out gay people.  I spot them but that's it.  perhaps a relationship would make me happy, I’ll take the pain of the inevitable break up for just some time in a satisfying relationship.  at this point I’m obsessed with sex but would trade no sex in a heartbeat for an honest kind relationship. I need that more than anything.  My hobby doesn't comfort me that much.  Perhaps some confidence would be nice too.  but some acceptance and kindness is what dream about most.  I thought "leaving Las Vegas" was fuckin' beautiful.      

Oh and fresia facebook, for those of you who know what it is or are on it.  What a great way to make yourself depressed and feel lonely seeing or being faceboooked by someone with 700 friends to add to your pile of 2, if you’re lucky.  to see their party pictures, like they want to prove, "look I’m hip, I’m cool, I do honeysuckle and have friends and I want to catch it in the act!"  ahhh, how sad. for me I mean. I’m just frustrated b/c I’d probably be right there with them it I had the friends and social skills.  



Not that I blaming anything or is it something we could change if it were true but why does out culture and society produce so many lonely?  We are all afraid of each other it seems.  AFRAID OF NOT BEING LIKED.  Do TV and media do that to us, make us scared of each other?  I probably, like many of you was raised with a steady diet of cable TV, and I’m sure that I have many subconscious feelings and attitudes from it.  judgments and fears that inhibit even talking to people.

Like you know this if you're in college.  Teacher asks a question to big or small class.  You know the answer, you may even find the topic interesting and let's say you even like the professor. No one says anything except for the same few kids who talk ever time, and your sick of their mundane opinions.  I think they just like to hear themselves speak.  5 people talk out of 100.  I'm scared of looking stupid or worse having to defend my argument with a more aggressive person or like I’ve done before say something a little different and alienate myself from my peers.  and which doesn’t help, sometimes you just don't care.

I feel like im chasing my tail. I dread tomorrow.  I'll be there for a short amount of time eat some food and go home.  all alone.  

I hope some of you do this because I would think it very amusing, a secret intangible bond between us.  When you feel bad, which for me is most of time, but you put on a "happy" face.  I don't mean a big fake smile, but a what I think of as I face of someone who might be happy.  At least that's how I want it interpreted.  Content or so I think.  I want to do the miserable expression that would feel so good and natural.  I don't because I feel then if no one talks to me I so brought it upon myself and im just exacerbating my own isolation.  

It just gets old to be alone all the time doing your routine things expected of you.  we are not machines.  It feels pointless alot of the time, especially when I see older people working honeysuckle jobs or even "good" ones and think that they go back to a one bedroom apartment alone.  I have a little hope b/c at least I’m in college for a while so I’m am around thousands of women. They don't talk to me but still.  Being in a  job or working at home where you don't meet people must be so depressing.  It looks still shitty but better for people in relationships.  They have someone at home and talk to.  I will definitely kill myself if I end up in something like that.  Or do something like move to Thailand then maybe kill myself.  But driving home alone in your car, entering your door alone and sitting on your chair wondering what will you do.  Perhaps drugs, booze, TV, strippers, intellectual stimulation like books, food, but the flow underneath it all is you would rather be doing something else.  those are all weak temporary escapes, as everyone knows, but we still al do them.  To work to sit alone in a room.  That's what our culture produces these days.  Tribal people wouldn’t have any idea what were talking about, the feeling of meaningless and isolation and unalterable loneliness, and uniquely ours dread of the future.

well I feel a little better, I hope someone reads this.  If not that' alright too.  I just wanted to say this. Maybe you'll me pass one day on the street and won't even know it .  I won't know you read it but there is a connection there.  I won't introduce myself of course and you probably won't either but we both know about these confessions so that will have to be enough.    

If you're in college I’d love to hear what you have to say about this.  The movies I saw before college(animal house, van wilder) are nothing like college is, at least for me.  It's numbing and depressing and monotonous.  I thought it's be different from high school like older adults promised me.  it is for some I guess.  if you reply I promise I’ll write back, if that's any enticement.

I just read some other person's post.  At least feel good if you've had any kind of friend girl thing at all.  I’ve never had any. A few weak relationships, once with a women twice my age, which was fun only because it was new for me, but she stopped returning phone calls after a "date" which didn't seem that bad, which trust me I’ve analyzed.  other than that only "friend" girls that I was so ready to fall in love with but they seemed not interested and I don't know how to break the big ice of moving close.  oh and I have the classic situation of currently being in love with unattainable girl (I randomly connected with conversationally once that was fantastic), but she’s in a different social strata and in love with her bf and I never see her.  so basically I know no one at my school and am alone all the time there.  So yeah.  Another poster wrote this which I thought was great,

"I wish I didn't have to speak. It's so hard sometimes, to get the words out, in person or on paper. I wish I could just project my thoughts outward from my center, so that others could see them and understand what I can't describe or what becomes irrelevant in words"


in some fizzling conclusion, I thought I was one of the only people on earth desperate and confused enough to type I am lonely in google, I am profoundly wrong, which is nice and pleasantly surprising.  this site is so cool, I would be friends with each and every one of you.  This site because of its subject matter seems real honest and guards let down, a rare thing in my life these days.  I love it, thank you
 
wow, that's a loong post.
"AFRAID OF NOT BEING LIKED". yes that's the thing i'm having right now. i always feel like i'm always wrong in many ways,...ah forget it, i can't do this
 
hi.. invisible man

i feel lonely today like never before.. im a college student..21 virgin,never been kissed, never been in a date.. i feel incredibly lonely. i googled lonely student n found this page.. i registered to be able to post.. to tell u that strangely i feel better after reading ur post.. thats because ive thought all those things at some point in my life.. all those thoughts that u ve put down.. i live half way around the world from where u do.. in india.. im sure our cultures n societies are totally different yet i identify totally with all that u say.. the pressures of college.. more so of the people at college.. all those people with "lives"..

to most im the quintessential boring person cause im reserved n shy n dont have much to say to anything.. unless i get comfortable with someone i prefer to keep to myself..

im lonely cause i dont want to share my feelings with people.. i dont want to cause my biggest fear is people identifying me as a loser.. my only solace is in doing well at college..

this past week has been especially hard for me.. my exams are on... my grades had started to pick up.. but the last exam.. one paper i thought id do well.. almost overconfidently.. studied hard for it.. ended up doing badly.. thats bad as it is and here i am brooding over whats done n gone.. i find myself distracted.. unable to focus on studying for the next exam.. i have less than 36 hours to go n i know im gonna mess up again if i continue wasting time.. this is a hard paper n its affecting my psyche real bad.. im horrified that i continue to sit n watch when i shud really be studying..

this coupled with the fact that i have my campus placements next months.. im very apprehensive about that.. my grades are not as good as id liked them to have been

i have noone to talk to... well.. atleast i dont want to bother anyone.. being lonely is making things worse... im so demotivated.. i can find no strength from within.. i just keep on doing stuff that is bad for me.. and i cant help it one bit..

its strange.. i hate crowds but when im alone i feel just as miserable..

i feel crushed under all the pressure in life.. im put up at a hostel.. and im the only girl whos all alone at the moment.. i go to the dining hall to eat n im alone at my table.. all the others are in groups.. even most boys.. its like initially people used to be lukewarm but now they re downright cold.. noone cares.. especially of you dont talk.. i really think too that line u ve quoted is beautiful.. i really dont feel like talking sometimes.. its like nobody s even listening.. i wish i dint have to say things and people wud leave me alone.. not in the physical sense but if they wud leave me out of their thoughts..

i always imagine people thinking im weird and or stupid.. i never have the right things to say.. i cannot be spontaneously funny.. and even if i know answers to some questions im never confident about putting it across correctly

im very frstrated the way life s going for me right now.. im expected to have a job by the new year.. im very uncertain about my future.. and try as hard as i might i never get to be the best at anything.. or atleast not consistently or long lastingly the best at anything.. i have no source of comfort

i ve almost reached the stage of giving up.. like it doesnt matter anyways.. i have no time to study for my exam on friday but i cant help being distracted..

im ruining what i have even.. i am feeling awful.. but i ve got a place to say this stuff and im happy its not too irrelevant for everybody in this world..
 
Hey,
I posted awhile ago on a lonely Saturday night. I just checked back and was really touched that people had read what I had to say and two replied. Thought I would pass it on.

I feel for you man. I'm half way around the world and 10 years older but I have a good idea of how you feel. I had a brilliant social life in high school and then everything fell apart in university. It was honeysuckle.

Graduating and getting a job saved my life. It made me feel life I was really contributing to the world and really built up my (professional) confidence.

I've been in good relationships and bad ones. Been alone for 2 years now.

And boy am I lonely. But I was lonely in some of my relationships too - after the intial connection died out, I'd still be with someone... feeling alone.

Sometimes it's crushing. And you you know what else? I'm pretty good looking, I have great social skills, I can talk to anyone even if it's awkward, get a laugh from a group of people. But it took a lot of practice and effort and putting myself out there when all I wanted to do was hide. But I still feel utterly alone and unconnected in any meaningful way to others.

Soooo, this probably comes across as a real downer message. But I guess what I'm saying is that to everything there is a season. And we're both in cold lonely winters... so that means spring must be around the corner.......Right?
 
what will u do this weekend?
i dont know.

what did u do at weekend?
nothing.

i really hate this conversation.


leaving las vegas . i love this movie. its so sad, but so touched.at the end of his life, he wanted to give her the first/last sex. thats amazing. these two NOBODY met, and loved.no future, its always a drunk life. i dont know how to say, its just a mixed feeling with pain and happines. u rather be hurt than nothing.

why u said u maybe move to thailand for killing urself? is it a special place for u? ok, u neednt answer.
 
Guest said:
Hey,
I posted awhile ago on a lonely Saturday night. I just checked back and was really touched that people had read what I had to say and two replied. Thought I would pass it on.

I feel for you man. I'm half way around the world and 10 years older but I have a good idea of how you feel. I had a brilliant social life in high school and then everything fell apart in university. It was honeysuckle.

Graduating and getting a job saved my life. It made me feel life I was really contributing to the world and really built up my (professional) confidence.

I've been in good relationships and bad ones. Been alone for 2 years now.

And boy am I lonely. But I was lonely in some of my relationships too - after the intial connection died out, I'd still be with someone... feeling alone.

Sometimes it's crushing. And you you know what else? I'm pretty good looking, I have great social skills, I can talk to anyone even if it's awkward, get a laugh from a group of people. But it took a lot of practice and effort and putting myself out there when all I wanted to do was hide. But I still feel utterly alone and unconnected in any meaningful way to others.

Soooo, this probably comes across as a real downer message. But I guess what I'm saying is that to everything there is a season. And we're both in cold lonely winters... so that means spring must be around the corner.......Right?



hey invisible

fortunately we dont have winters here.. its great to know that you can be social if you want to. i know for a fact that people who are alone arent always the "ugly-geeky / weird-stupid / eccentric-psycho" stereotypes

i was always a shy person.. guess thats because im always insecure in general.. like you said, though, its not that im bad looking or that i cant talk in crowds(though i hate crowds). its this invisible something which makes me hesitate given any situation.

its not even the fact that im avoided or anything. i always have a huge problem making the first move. and even if i do i always end up making the other person think that im not interested.. then it gets to the point where people assume im a weirdo(loner).. which i am.. but its not that i want to be alone all the time..

its just that i have a serious problem being social.. i seriously feel so uncomfortable doing normal things.. like going out with friends/fooling around.. humour is spontaneous for me.. i cant be humorous around situstions im not comfortable with..

i have this overwhelming feeling that everyone should like me/leave me alone at the same time.. its very confusing.. most times after this internal conflicting process i just give in and say what the hell.. it doesnt matter..

actually i dont even know exactly what it is im insecure about.. its been an overwhelming culmination all my life.. its gotten to this point where i wait around to be pushed before i do anything..

what hurts me the most is when people equate the fact that im shy to being stupid.. ive become very touchy about grades these days.. they are never good enough..

i dont want to fight it because i fear i might make a fool of myself.. thats what i fear.. making a fool of myself.. im always incredibly self conscious.. thats why i dont participate in class discussions, have a hard time doing seminars(doesnt show though.. ive confirmed with friends.. they say they cant tell im nervous), doing anything in a crowd.. even a thing such as a relationship.. boys.. i run away like they re the plague or something.. all the times someone expressed interest in the past id run n hide n make excuses not to see that person.. well if im lonely... in the "relationships" sense its because i ve done it to myself..

and these grades/any attention from anybody are like highs.. if i have a high today its likely the halo effect would last a few days.. if not i disintegrate into a miserable mess.. like yesterday when i found this thread and totally identified with your everything uve said

but i agree with you on the fact that it needs work.. and theres no escaping that.. guess its time to stop wallowing in self pity and work on everything.. my grades.. my friends.. my life
 
btw.. in your last post you say ur 22.. and in this one you say ur 10 years older than me :?
jus a thought..
 
Hi this is the real invisible man. This is my first reply so to glaze, yes I’m 22 and I didn't write the seasons thing.  I’ll expound for another few pages in a little bit, not in the mood right now.  Just wanted to clarify what my posts were and to say that you're all so fuckin' amazing. I've never told anybody any of this and now almost 100 people all over the globe have shared my feelings and they have shared theirs.  And to top it off we'll never see each other or at least never recognize one another.  

Something odd and perplexing to me,

Why is being lonely something downplayed and avoided when talking with someone?

I am guilty; I shy away from people who are alone because I figure they have someone else.  But sometimes I straight up lie about what I do in my free time or what I did last night.  Meaning I say I did something with friends.  I say that because I secretly want them to like me, or else to be honest with myself and them I would be tell the truth. I rarely do that though.  I’ve been trying to do that lately because at least you can think back on what you said and know its petty but solid truth instead of obnoxious fluffy smoke like lies.  To do it without even a hint of embarrassment like that stupid ass giggle and smirk I do when I say something I know is supposed to be slightly socially embarrassing.  It seems there are so many lonely, socially awkward, and friendless but were afraid to admit that because that might push you farther and farther into loneliness by the shunning and avoidance by your potential friends.  I have no answer for this  

Another random thought which I really like and gives mild hope.

One day I had an ad for a business type transaction on an online message board.  It was purely business, no relationship thing, guy or girl, young or old, didn't matter.  Anyway I young girl my age responded and happened to go to my school.  We met to do the business and hit it off, we spent the day together.  We didn’t have to but we did.  We didn't have a lot not in common but that doesn’t mean honeysuckle, because we thought about a lot of the same things and felt and same in a lot of ways about intangible things.  I said that to be honest we would have never have met in school if we had saw each other.  And even if we did, with this she agreed, it wouldn't have been the same because I would have to use some stupid "pickup" line or another line that would have been manipulative dishonest and just trying to say something to get her to take some kind of interest in me.  Because we met in a neutral situation with no expectations it was relaxed in a strange way, I at least had a weight lifted off my shoulders because I didn’t expect her to like me.  But I’m not saying that's a good attitude, not like I’m any good judge. We talked honestly and with vulnerability, two complete strangers.  Just don’t hate me just yet because, we parted ways nicely at the end of the day and never saw each other again.  My point being that like the adage says which applies to you and everyone you see, you can’t judge a book by its cover.  She was a social butterfly.  Popular, pretty, and as I discovered very kind and uniquely honest.  A real deal situation where coolness or saving face does not exist.  But this situation was constructed and it enabled us to connect in a way we would have NEVER NEVER have otherwise.  If I saw her on the street before hand I would have just thought some shallow airhead probably mean.  How wrong I was but the more important point was that I was able to find out I was wrong and perhaps she discovered that she too was wrong about her judgment of me, or maybe that’s giving myself too much credit.  The "standard" way of meeting people ******* sucks.  Making her/him laugh first, getting close by finding "common" interests but always having to be "on".  Having to feign confidence (what’s so great about that anyway, playing this strutting peacock role), or feign popularity and busyness. Like how people, you know they do this, fake they don't remember someone they met once or twice because by not remembering it you can give the easily transparent impression you meet a lot of people and your life is so busy you cant hardly catch up.  I trying to say something important here but I can’t find it but I can feel it, I hope you see what I’m getting at.  That we were able to connect.  We would have never otherwise in our daily routines.  But we did it in a way that was not supposed to be "social" or a situation where you trying to show your goods, mentally and physically, such as dance clubs, bars, parties. We just sat and talked.  If I were to approach her cold during school or otherwise it most likely would have fizzled but even if it didn’t it would have been different because I opened up to her in a way I would never done if I viewed her as some sexual conquest opportunity.  Which girls, every guy views you as unless there is a vulnerable (for both of you) connection between you.  If a guy even talks one word unprovoked to you he is yours if you want him.  I'm going to fumble and try to spit out the point I want to make that applies to all I think.  That have faith that there are people so wonderful out there it's amazing.  You may never meet them in a traditional way during our ridiculous charades and routines we do. But people are all so unique there is something out there for everybody and it beautiful.  Infinitely honest, kind, patient vulnerable, and direct. No ulterior motives.
    

This is the girl I referred to in my first post that I’m still in love with but she’s unattainable and seemingly hopelessly in love with her bf.

    

We're all alone together.  
I love you all, thank you for reading and feeling lonely.


And as a side note to glaze,
That is ridiculous and amazing how far away we are from each other yet you read my words and I read yours.  And that you can relate in someone way to the way I feel.  Does that not prove there is some deep unity and bond between every person on earth?  I not talking about touchy feely new age crap.  I talking about a bond and similarity of our feelings in completely different worlds pretty much.  That we would probably think we have nothing in common except bodily functions and gross emotional states.  But that people can be sensitive enough that they come to the same feelings over thing time and time again.  We share something as with everybody here, a feeling.  I’m not on here to be cool, feel cool, or anything that is going to help me externally.  It makes me feel connected to a deeper part of every human that is free from all the ego driven honeysuckle we do all day, a connection free from trying to impress or cleverly maneuvering to get what you want.  It may be painful but it sometimes feels at least like a “clean” feeling
 
my apologies to the 'real invisible man' for assuming the previous poster and him were the same person. identification is getting to be a little difficult with so many guests and confusing things said such as
I posted awhile ago on a lonely Saturday night. I just checked back and was really touched that people had read what I had to say and two replied
.

hi

my thoughts on the question,"Why is being lonely something downplayed and avoided when talking with someone"?:

though i dont like it or fully acknowledge it, i believe i am judgemental in a lot of ways, for example.. if i were two persons n one of me were to walk up to the other and say.. -i dont spend time with friends, i dont do the usual stuff,i dont enjoy those things.. i feel alone- which neither of me wud ever do im sure.. actually walk up to someone n say that without a twitch.. but given the hypothetical situation the other me(who surpisingly is exonerated of my problems everything else remaining the same:in a word:neutralized) wud think and feel a lot of things as purely an observer:

a) pity - when do you sympathize with someone? when you think its unfortunate they are in a particular situation, which you wud not like to be in yourself..

b)a person with "problems"- why wud i not do this. ive been raised on a steady staple of cable tv.. how many hundred times have i seen hypothetical situations like that and the outcomes before. now how can that not have a bearing on my thinking process.

c)something is wrong somewhere- problems definitely - why? because this world has taught me (atleast) that if things are perfect there is likely possibility that something is wrong somewhere - intelligent(?maybe?), beautiful(?maybe?)... lacks social skills(???).
you can make up for intelligence with hard work. you can make up for beauty. it doesnt stand you by in the long term. but social skills. they are a must so you can lead a "normal" fulfilling life. poor poor glaze.. she wud have such a "boring" life. she wud live and die without so much as a whimper. you can get by when young. but in your old age. you need people around. havent you heard that time n time again. well i feel 'sorry' for her..

d)you dont do the usual things(hang out with friends,occasional drink,party) - why not? you sure are "different". what makes you feel that way? you arent the type who parties? but most people enjoy that.. you cant fit in eh? not identify with meaningless banter(unlike real conversations). how sad. thats called fun. arent u missing out?

e)no friends?- maybe she has no friends. maybe she is """shy"""?? well.. well.. well.. thats a problem. i wish i can make a difference for her. "help her" in some way.. --- helloo.. i can be your friend(but on second thoughts: will she be clingy? what will my friends say - ive started socializing with a loner(?).. boring? ) anyways i can say that now to make her feel okay..

f) to a minor extent -cannot hate her- personally.. when i see poor "pathetic" people with problems i feel sad for them. also develop a soft corner for them (who if id seen in a different situation-- say in a pub with a brilliant social life- wud think 'dumb blonde or bimvo airhead'-just because they party and laugh loudly though i could never know her per se as ive never had a conversation with her. but i wud sill like to hate her-- why s that..am i jealous of their brilliant social life? or that i wud become morally correct n say- i wud never do that- wud u or cud u never do that? i know i wud fail therefore- like the fox and the sour grapes, do i percieve her as potential competition-you know that instinct deep down?even if she does not live in my street or my town?-------but this is an aside ). i like this girl. poor girl. she has problems.

and then

the hypothetical situation includes an extension to a day later- the me without problems sees the me with problems- hey?? im supposed to be her friend. lets approach her- hi hello. how re u doing today?" are you okay"????? what plans you got for today. im doing"this with friends" and "that with friends".. do you wanna join in? loner--"hey that wud be great but no thanks. im feeling a little sick today" (so wishing she were alone and i wudnt have to see her hateful friends just to be friends with her).

after a few days..

the same thing continues for a few days[with or without the intention of the social me(who cud potentially not wanna be in a different position with her friends because of her new friend- the loner) of throwing the loner off her back] and things fizzle out

the loner goes into her own world and the the problems free person carries on with her life. she sees the loner a few times and thinks oh poor thing- but i ve tried - maybe she likes to be alone. lets not interfere in her problem- the loner avoids her.. because she has been very vulnerable in front of this successful person. and she has fallen outta touch with her. no chance of connecting again.

loner thinks- oh no.. why did i go do that.. im sure she thinks im pathetic. now i cant even face her. i have to keep running and hiding. or worse. walk past by her n give a smile like nothing ever happened. she might go tell others. what will they think. oh no oh no..

honeysuckle..

wud i ever ever ever want that to happen to me in real life? wud i ever want to be vulnerable in front of other people? NO.. see my problem..

mabe thats why im where im at.. i dont want people to prejudge me. atleast if they think i have problems let them do so without a verbal ratification from me. i wud have no way of knowing for certain..

let them just leave me out of their thought.. in peace..

to invisible:

yes it is true that we connect on many levels with a lot of things/people in this world. tho we may not know it. like this thread. you are nameless.. faceless.. to me. and thats why i dont have to worry about pre judgements. i revel in the fact that someone reads my post(and maybe feels the same sometimes). that feels good. so getting back to the basic instincts. why shudnt i do something that makes me feel good with my time. connect with people around the world.. know that im not talking to walls but real people.. who understand..

thanks yal for being there
take care[/color]
 
I feel you is all I can say. However, after reading your post I cherish my moments with my intimate friends that much more, and realize how awesome middle school was, and how highschool had it's downs, but its ups as well. At least next year I got an apartment with 2 other fun loving guys, so it won't be too bad. Since were all being honest, I apologize for using your tribulations as a way to make me feel better in retrospect.

My advice, get off the pot if possible. Second, quit college and get a job in a trade. Be an electrician, a plumber, a construction worker and you will definitely make some friends and some serious dough, especially in the first two. A real man's job will get you in the sun, the air, and will make you part of a team. Trust me, you'll make friends this way if the people aren't ********.

fresia college, it's doing you no good, so get out. Trust me, the above is a no bullshit practical idea, and it would work. The theory behind it is hang out with extroverts and eventually you'll form an entourage and then it's cool. At least this worked for me before college, now I'm a loner until next year.
 
Hello, this is the real invisible man again,

I just read the last post and it felt like it came from a very different vibe using such phrases as "a real man's job" and talking of all his great times in high and middle school. How did you find you your way here? Don’t answer I don't want to know.

The post did not make me feel good. I have heard that tired advice time and time again. "Go to work with hands and you'll feel alright." And the classic lure and very telling of the kind of person using the phrase " make some serious dough". Anyway that's not important, I thought about what you said seriously. I thought about the professions you mentioned. They are all respectable and would provide me with a comfortable little life but I don't want them. There is nothing wrong with them, if you like them, fuckin' great but not for me. But maybe I’m wrong too. I thought about your post b/c it confused me and I didn't expect that tone from someone on here. It came from a seemingly blue-collar simple kind of guy, good ol' boy but perhaps that's exactly what I need. The attitude of some dumber people you all know that is very easy to please. Give them a little money for their labor and they're happy. The equation seems to be very simple. Should I submit? Should I try to stop caring about something better and just well submit to lonely consumerism. I can think, "well I’m alone, but at least I have a quiet place to honeysuckle and eat after a grueling shift. "Let’s go set that alarm clock so I can be sure not to miss this for the next 40 years".

You may have said something good but I did not like your arrogant presumption that you have worthy advice to give. Did I ask for what the blue-collar man thinks I should do? Did I ask anyone on here for advice; do I give advice? NO. Do you have any idea who I am or what you're advising would entail for me? And your "theory behind it" sounds like it is what you do and think it will work for everyone. Please don't try to "help" people with your "real man" bullshit. fresia you, I won't "trust" you *******.

On a different tone,

Perhaps though he’s right. Learning a trade would be something, but I don’t think as a good "solution" to my problem. Could be for someone else. I don't have any interest in electricity or plumbing. So if I did go to school I would be holding the hope that I will be making money and meeting people, my friends. Since I don't like the work I would be in it with an ulterior motive, acquaintances and cash. If I get neither or not satisfactory amounts to me of either which is highly probable, then what? Now probably like a lot of you out there, you'll work a job you hate, all alone, no one at home for you, and feel trapped because you think you’ve wasted enough time already and it's too late to start over in something new again. So you submit and get out of bed and wade (or swim) through the sludge of your "life". For the cash to buy your food and the space you call your own. Our culture is really depressing,

Anybody ever read Daniel Quinn’s, Ishmael? Whenever I say or hear the word culture I think of that book. Check it out, it's amazing. And no I am not affiliated with in any way, just in case that is a knee jerk reaction when someone mentions a product.

If you have I’d love to talk about that with you. But dropping out of college would be nice. But why does have an either/or feel to it? I went to college b/c I did not want only blue-collar jobs to be available to me. Now that I’m in college though they don't look so bad. Either work shitty jobs with your hands or work shitty jobs in a nice suit. Ironically though I think I’d like to teach in college, not anything younger, but in college. I think I’d be good at it and enjoy the subject I would plan to teach in.

I feel like a lot of the time its difficult to say what I want to exactly, every word and sentence I use just comes close at best but never hits the fuckin' thing on its head.

Perhaps a blue-collar job would be good for me, less bullshit, more real (maybe), money. But then again I have no interest in that kind of work, I have other interests that could possibly make more money and feel I’m doing something I enjoy and am good at. But this is using as many people sadly (though I don't know of many alternatives) do, using their occupations as a way of "making" themselves happy, kind of and making it part of their identity. Why the focus on what you do for money? Shouldn’t we be looking for happiness somewhere else?

Anyway my mind is scattered right now and not very focused. Still alone for those of you who read but never post, I do this for myself and for those who read and possible feel a little connected. Sorry I was angry about the previous post. It just had an arrogant vibe not very nice for this soft place. Like some angry dad saying, "get off you ass and do something!" I don't like to feel that way. I am fuckin thrilled that almost 200 people have read this. Amazing. More friends then I’ve had in my entire life! And thank you glaze for your nice replies. As uncomfortable and confused it makes me I will think more of the previous post and say something better about it. This post was shitty but still real and how I feel so worth putting up. Its odd when I first came here y'know, typing I am lonely into goggle this place seemed desolate. After posting for a little on here its perpetually shocking to me how many people feel lonely. And that’s just the ones who come here. But I should stop because I rambling and not saying anything worth your time for reading this. But I thank you all for doing so. For sharing my sickly thoughts and emotions. I do it with the hope that people out there will feel even just a little similar to the way I do and we have a connection in that way. That you can you for a fact know that you are not alone. And MOST importantly it’s okay to feel that way. That its not something to be ashamed of or something to beat yourself up over. Feel it. Sometimes there’s a shitty feeling going when you let’s say shared your feelings with someone or identified with them because you thought that you had something shared, a feeling. But then they either change, find someone one special, take a different attitude that makes you feel threatened and vulnerable. Then you feel like WTF! I trusted you and you go and leave me here alone. What's wrong with me? Especially when someone you used to relate to and identify with finds for himself what you really want for yourself. I've had that happen to me recently. Just know that I am alone and here as a rock. I don't want to dispense advice. I only want to share and have people share with me. That's it. Simply to feel like you won't be judged for feeling in a way you do. Not even as place to lick your wounds but to just observe them. Nothing is more arrogant and presumptuous than an advice column for strangers by strangers. Who are any of us to say want others need or really want.

I really want to stop but I want to wrap up and end nicely.

Just want to say that that I will never judge or condemn or offer want I think you should do. I just think the act of sharing is beautiful vulnerable and honest, some rare things in my life, and I find it enjoyable as I hope readers and posters do as well. I go to classes tomorrow so I’ll have some new stuff hopefully. perhaps we'll see each other.

Again,

Thank you thank you thank you

for sharing in this
 
Guest said:
"well I’m alone, but at least I have a quiet place to honeysuckle and eat after a grueling shift. Let’s go set that alarm clock so I can be sure not to miss this for the next 40 years".

Hahahaha, that's a great line!! I might have to ask permission to borrow that line for a future song that i may write some day. That's just funny lol.
I wouldn't be too offended by the Blue Collar job post if I were you, I think the guy who posted that was just trying to be helpful (perhaps in a narrowminded, shock and awe kind of way) but I wouldn't call him an *******. I at least didn't read his comments as such..
Other than that, I find a lot of your threads of thought to be fascinating and very similar to my own... Not at all a waste of time to read!
And I've thought many times about what it would be like to settle for an easy life...and it's something I refuse to do, at least at this age, because 'unfortunately' for me, I am a visionary who always has one foot out the door, always dreaming and making plans and never really living in the present.. I too believe that a career should be based on a quest for happiness personal fulfillment and not on money... I mean you spend half of your life at this job, and the other half sleeping... What's left?? A few hours each day to recover from the day's work and prepare for the next? No thankyou! I need much more out of life than that.

You know what though, I work part time in the restaurant industry and it's changed some prejudices that I used to have. Some of the most interesting people I know are people who get their hands dirty for a living. My boss, for instance.. A very intelligtent and cultured woman, who manages a restaurant to pay rent, but reviews shows for magazines and signs bands to a small indie label on the side. She is super funny, well educated, and more interesting that any of my friends who took the normal route in life. Another employee at the restaurant I work at is a part-time lawyer, and works as a waitress for fun on the weekends. (I know that sounds weird, but working at the restaurant I work at is like hanging out with friends and eating good food more than it is working)

What I'm trying to say is that you can combine a life with passion with a life of obligatory day jobs - it doesn't have to be one or another. I stopped judging people on what they do for a living, because there will be some that will define themselves by their careers/jobs, you know, 'mold themselves' to their careers, and some that only do it to earn a living while living very fulfilling lifestyles on the side. I'm one of those people as well. Happiness and comfort may seem unreachable at times, as I feel very lonely and confused most days nowadays, but I am very proud to be a person of passion, always seeking more and never letting my ways of making money define who I am. Either you seek a career that will give you passion and personal fulfillment, or you put up with a boring job while doing other happiness based activities on the side, money generating or not.

I'm not telling you what I think fits you, because I don't know you. So take everything I say with a grain of salt (i get pretty passionate about my opinions).
Just trying to get you to think out of the box. The world is full of opportunity! Too much opportunity, if you ask me. Makes it hard to want to commit to anything due to the fear of missing out on other things..!

What are you studying at school?

elissa
 
call me...ishmael

It's incredibly strange reading your posts, invisable because I've had most of these thoughts many, many times. I'm a college student, too, and equally lonely. The killer, I think, about being a lonely college student is that we have all these preconceptions about college. I hear so many people talking about how college was "the best years of their lives." I'm missing out on something big and important, it seems.

Walking around campus is probably the most depressing part. I'm not a good looking person, and all around me there is a surplus of attractive people. I think my self esteem has about hit rock bottom. Why would any of them want to associate with me?

I hate parties. I've only been to a few, but I still hate them. I prefer one on one conversation and I've had few enough of those.

No friends, really, either. People I talk to who I knew from high school, but they're not close enought to be considered friends, really. I feel as if they talk to me out of pity more than anything.

I think it's my imagination, but more and more, it seems like random people are giving looks of digust. That ever happen to you?

There's years and years of honeysuckle built up between me and the outside world. I think as introverted people you can relate to this. There's just so much in the way of a normal social life. So much to overcome.

I want to think that moving into a dorm next semester will solve all my problems. Or maybe I'll just be the creepy guy no one talks to.
 
I'm the "blue collar boy" and I just wanted to retort.

First, I wanted to keep my previous short and sweet so it would have an impact on you or anyone who reads it, when they get too long, comments tend to lose their impact. It made you think, so I guess it worked.

Second, I worked construction, then went to college. I moved far from home, and college sucks socially for me so far. I wasn't mister popular back home, but I had a few close friends and some great memories. Now I'm in the middle of nowhere, it's hard work(I'm gonna be an engineer, civil), and it feels like a work camp. Thankfully, I have some things to look forward to, but in the meantime, while bored I typed in "I hate college." into google. It makes me feel better to find other people who think the same as I do, just the way I am is all. So that should answer how I found this forum.

Second, I am totally against consumerism, and money is not my goal. A decent life(that means a clean apartment, the basics, a PC for gaming), a good woman, friends and free time to be enjoyed, those are my goals. I am not an arrogant man, and I meant for my comment to impact you, to hurt you a little, to piss you off, to make you think.

Look, you said you're lonely, you barely have any friends, college sucks, and it feels like your wasting your time. I wanted to give you my idea, and I didn't have time to bullshit and coddle you, you're a man. If that came off as arrogant, then so be it, all I can say is I'm not sorry, but my intent is not to insult you.

As I see it, bored, lonely people like you and me have two options. Wallow in our pity, often on the money provided by others, which makes us hate the situation more, or do something about it. Doesn't mean we can't do both. Heck, I like flaming my anger out from time to time, but I also do something to fix the situation. All these people that have posted stuff here besides you have just said, "I feel the same way." I'm saying, "I feel the same way" but I also got an idea for you.

As for the whole blue collar bit, I see that like many contemporaries, you feel blue collar people are dumb, less educated, more easily satisfied by simple things, etc... I expect that from a college boy like you, but if you're gonna grow up maybe you'll lose some of those incorrect generalizations. If you don't see that for yourself in the future, that's cool, that's why you're in college in the first place, right?

Just remember, I provided you with a practical solution to get out of the hole that is your life. You don't have to take all my advice, or any of it, you can take some and leave some out.

I guess I'll break my advice into two bits as a conclusion.

a) Move out of your home with some people if you can find some, preferably extroverts. Trust me, this theory does work, provided you find some peeps. An option in your case might be to transfer to a different school first, get a dorm room, then things tend to work themselves out.

b) Quit college alltogether get a job as part of a team, or go to a vocational school and learn a trade. When I said dough I meant dough so you're self-sufficient bud. Wouldn't want to live off the family dole for the rest of your life. I don't mean dough as in mansions, hos and autos. You don't seem to like the jobs I mentioned, that's cool, but I hope you feel what I'm trying to tell you in comment b.

Take it easy, it is just a forum after all, and I'm nobody as far you're concerned and vice-versa. (Heck, in real life I'd never say all this stuff to a stranger.)

Cheers.
 
BTW, blue collar boy again here.

I too hate college parties where you get drunk with strangers, never been to one. Nor do I like drinking for the absolute sake of getting wasted, I drink while chilling out with friends, real friends, the kind that help you're ass when your in real trouble(like owing some guy money).

Personally, my favorite day is spent playing soccer or football with my friends, maybe some b-ball, then at night getting a cooler of beers and just talking and drinking. Obviously, college does not have this for me. No more close friends, no more people who have time to play b-ball, just a mass of strangers. It's impossible to penetrate, especially at my state school where I'm from out of state b/c everyone has their connections allready, and nobody gives a rats ass about the person they don't know. Plus, it's college, not high-school, so people aren;t gonna be like, "oh you're the new kid, wanna be friends, no one gives a honeysuckle."

So yeah, I don't much like it either, but at least I had my friends far away, back home. And at least I'm looking forward to an apartment with some peeps next year which looks to bring some women and fun into my boredom. Plus, I got church, I dunno what I'd without it. I get to meet people who I can't say are my friends, but they'd help me in a pich, and you get to chill with them every weekend and listen to what the priest has to say. It's food for your soul, I always feel better after church, but I ain't here to preach to y'all about it, btw.
 
The pot fucks with your mind, especially when you're an addict like you are. I've seen it happen to many of my old friends. They can't focus as well, and their life starts to revolve around their addiction. I'd steer clear of that honeysuckle, it can't help you, all it does is numb your pain and dull your logic. It makes you dumber, and as a consequence, you can't think your way out of your problems, so you take more pot, and the cycle continues.

You probably won't quit cause some stranger tells you to. But practical advice wise, I'd stay to steer clear of cocaine and harder drugs if you can't quit pot. Once you take ecstasy or cocaine, but especially ecstasy, in your state of mind, you will be messed, and I mean really messed.
 
..........So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
................Forever trusting who we are
and nothing else matters
new one:
...............Risin' up, back on the street
Did my time, took my chances
Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet
Just a man and his will to survive


No guys, dont take me wronge,  i have put those two lyrice which by chance was playing while i was reading this post.
they give it a nice flavour,and i'm sure Invisible man,Ishmael and maybe Glaze would feel it. it's a saturday night.


here's my reply!   first of all you can call me  mmmm, say Vector!

The invisible man,  you will never imagine my expression reading your post! i even started to laugh laoud!. hang on! dont take it in a wrong way!  i was laughing cause i felt like it was me who was writing those words!! thought  no one in this world is like me!!! obviously, i'm wrong!! it's   F***ing Amazing!!  i'm totally surprised and full of disbelief. you're just hit everything!!! even when you said that the thoughts are just there but they never come up exactly as you wanted them!

i even understand how u got annoyed of our friend's reply `blue collar man` even though he didnt mean any harm.
it's us mate, we dont like to listen to some `what we would consider as a shallow advise!`  cause it's annoying us! and it's not what we were looking at when you posted your thread.

you know what mate!? i was reading your second post, about that girl you had business with! i was hopeing to hear a happy ending as i was reading through! i was waiting to read the good news !! :) but sadly it didnt come up.

anyway, i really really dont have anything to add up of what you have already said Mr Invisible man.
just wanted you,Ishmael, Glaze to know that there's an invisible man II!

:) what you did this weekend!? aoekdnsio yeah, i went out with some friends!!  friends never exist

right, i'll go back to my music and my lonley saturday night,  all take care
 
Guest said:
..........So close, no matter how far
Couldn't be much more from the heart
................Forever trusting who we are
and nothing else matters
new one:
...............Risin' up, back on the street
Did my time, took my chances
Went the distance, now I'm back on my feet
Just a man and his will to survive

yeah the first one was for Metallica, Nothing else matter
and the second one is for The eye of the Tiger,
 
Hey blue-collar *******, stop posting, you're annoying, arrogant again, and full of honeysuckle.  And if you're so full of answers that work why are you on here? (I don't care so don't answer)  you're posts don't console anyone or say anything meaningful; you just want to dispense numbered advice.  For reasons I can't imagine, but something sad to say the least.  And I know for a fact that some blue collar people are wiser than I’ll ever be, so don't even try to pin some cheesy prejudice on me.  And you "don't have time to bullshit me" what are you my fuckin' dad?  And by evidence of your posts you obviously do have time to waste.  Please go away, your posts and advice suck and are in poor taste here, go do something else like write a bad self-help book or suck off your "extroverted" friends you love so much, or dick around in the false hypocritical institution of your church.  Whatever, no one wants your lame advice!


Anyway with that out of the way to the cool people out there,  

His posts bother me because they taint what I’m really trying to simply express because his posts are inaccurate judgments of mine.  I sometimes think when people read his replies to mine they (hopefully they don't) get skewed bad interpretations of me through no fault of their own. So please disregard them.  

I do the same thing of skimming lengthy posts and fully reading the replies to get the gist of them.  

I just want this to be more sensitive and open.  Vulnerable.  Which is hard to be when someone wants to judge and give unwanted advice so badly.

I NEVER WANT ANY ADVICE!  I WILL NEVER GIVE ANY ADVICE!

On this forum anyway.  So please just read feel or share your own stories, keep your judgments to yourself.  


I just wanted to say this.  I feel like this forum sucks now because any ******* with an opinion can post, when all I wanted to do was share with like-minded people.  Not ask some prick what I should do.  

Anyway fresia this forum for a while.  If I see some cool people replying I’ll post some more.  Which trust me, I desperately want to.


And above all,

I know this sounds angry, it is.  Its only one stupid person but it taints the idea of this thread and what I wanted to say, I feel hurt.  But I want to thank all the people who have posted wonderful things, glaze, ellisa (I studied music but now liberal arts at college), and the guy who just posted the metallica lyrics, and anyone else I’ve forgotten.  And all you who have not posted but simply read, 300 fuckin' people!  Anyone who identifies a little with what I’ve said or have felt hurt, lonely and vulnerable I do this for you.  When the world feels full of people who hurt you in myriad ways I want you to know that I feel that way too sometimes, if not all the time.  Like no one understands, or worse they pretend to, label it, and brush it off.  Like the ******* blue-collar guy, which I don't want to become his name because I don't want to ever hear from him again, hopefully you feel the same way.  But like him people who are judgmental offering quick fixes, or bad friends, or worse yet nothing.  No interaction.  Come cry here.  
OPEN HONEST VULNERABLE.

I’m in no mood to write something worth your time reading.  But as a teaser some stuff did happen to me over thanksgiving.  Perhaps it will change the tone of the post a little, I can't cry about the same things over and over and still expect you to keep reading. You have your own problems, but tell me if I’m right, if you like my posts, you do because you feel some of the exact same things sometimes.  You have thought some of the same things and feel like no one thinks of those things except you or they do but you never hear about them or have access to them like you do here.  

If that's right, I don't know, but if so, it’s fuckin' spectacular.  I've always felt if people were more vulnerable in life things would be a lot easier.  Does it mean crying anytime when something makes you feel bad? Perhaps, I’ve never done that and never will because I’ve been too conditioned by "male" gender upbringing and it wouldn’t solve or help anything.  And of course as some manly man would like to protest, “nothing would get done and it takes hurt feelings, balls, blood and death to make anything happen”.  That’s correct, because that’s the way our culture is set up. Not the world, but simply our culture, extending to any culture that locks up their food. Try to think of one that doesn't.  Tribes, but they are disappearing and not like they were.  But we feel (un)?(dis)?(mal)? content and unhappy. We feel lonely and isolated in the most over populated time in the world's history.  Everyday is that, isn’t that weird?  Not physical isilation, but emitoonal and mental.  Yet we don't talk about these feelings that are on typed here with any urgency or importance in real daily interactions.  Sometimes they are brushed off as "wallowing", or "bitching" or any other one of the demeaning terms usually reserved for what conditioned men will call actively emoting conditioned women.  Feeling bad and expressing it is considered a weakness and a fault.  It is not.  They say everyone will experience it but you should try to get away from as soon as possible.  I say fresia that.  Sit in it, feel it.  It is the most honest you ever are.  When you have nothing to fake, no false, beauty, toughness, coolness, smartness, or any other aspired to trait or quality that in the true nature of things, think of your death, really matter.  I'm not trying to sell you anything or even trying to get to do or change anything.  I think that simply this connection is meaningful because it doesn’t happen in real life.  That kind of dawned on me a little bit ago.  That I never talk like this ever, ever.  You strangers are privy to things people who’ve known me my whole life don't know, and I’d like to share more, but we'll see.  But that people who read this get to see something fuckin' honest and innocent.  And perhaps that connects with something in them that loves that stuff.  We don’t have enough opportunities to express ourselves without fear of judgment ridicule or loss of something.  To share whatever, feelings that may seem stupid to you, feelings that you think you should be shameful of, of feelings you feel are trite and predictable and that no cares about them.  That's the good stuff!  That's to me the honest real stuff where a connection is made.  And hopefully we can feel a little closer to one another over thousands of miles.  Then again I’m no shrink, just a lonely confused kid.  

To fizzle out once again,

That blue-collar post bothered me because this thread, my thread, I don’t give a honeysuckle what this message board is about, is about open vulnerability.  Story-telling to some degree, without judgments.  I've said it a lot and I’ll say it a lot more.  I dislike when people offer judgments because you attempt to ossify the person writing it.  These posts are expressions, not problems to be judged.  Please though, I’d hate to think I’ve scared people away from me, nothing new though, because of my angry tone.  I am not that.  I not going to bullshit you and spout some crap like I’m really loving all the time or super compassionate, but I try to honest all the time.  That doesn’t mean saying things that I know will hurt people's feelings but do it anyway.  To me it means never lying to yourself, feel bad when you want, feel good when you want.  Don’t be ashamed of either.  Or believe that there is something wrong with you.  That’s why I had to write this semi-rant.  I wouldn’t feel right ignoring my feelings or just bashing the previous post.  It’s like a thing inside me I have to get out.  I will never use that tone with someone who communicates openly.  But because of time I really have to stop even though I don't want to.  I’m talking to the sensitive ones out there.  I thank you thank you thank you for reading!!!!  Thank you to the cool posters who have offered sensitive stories of their own. And thank the future posters I’ve yet to read.  I promise that my next post will be better and more interesting with more stories and conclusions to former to stories; I just had to say this one.  Again if you are open and vulnerable I love you, I hate it to be conditional but that's where I’m at right now.

Please keep reading and checking back, and I love reading your replies.  I never get to connect worth so many people ever.  And if it makes you feel good you’re AWESOME.    

Again,

Thank you.    
 

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