Overthinking it...

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Milly

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I should offer apologies in advance - there isn't a huge point to this thread, it's just something I kinda feel like I want to tell someone. So in the absence of anyone else to listen, you lucky people are going to get it.

So there's this girl in work whose birthday it is. I've not had many dealings with her but she seems very nice and I thought we get on pretty well. She sends around an email mentioning her birthday and inviting people out for drinks. I'm copied in. Okay. Everything seems okay so far.

Except, of course, I manage to fresia this up. I'm well aware of how petty the following is, but that's the point - these are my tortuous thought processes over something as trivial as wishing somebody happy birthday. This is why I don't speak to anybody.

I started wondering about the best way to wish her a happy birthday. She works over by the office printer so when I go over to pick up some stuff, I think I'll do it then. Except the guy she sits next to is on the phone. Arse. My plan was to casually wish her happy birthday over the printer but it'd be terribly rude to speak over someone on the phone. If I walk around to her desk it looks a bit weird and try-hard. So I go and sit back down.

What now?

I could walk back over - but what if the guy is still on the phone? I'll look weird. In fact, I'll look weird all around if I go over and speak to her now, after I've just had a chance to. I'll look desperate.

There's an office messaging programme - but won't that look even weirder? Won't she think I'm strange if I send her a message rather than speak face-to-face? What if the people who sit around her see the message? Plus if I did send it there's all that awful to-and-fro where I have to pick the most graceful way to end a conversation that doesn't seem rude and also doesn't drag on too long in a weird and desperate way. And all that's assuming she even replies.

In the end, after half an hour of fixating on this problem in a near-tearful state of what's-wrong-with-me frustration, I replied to her email and wished her a happy birthday.

It wasn't even her birthday today - it's tomorrow.

I obviously didn't go out with them tonight, as much as part of me would have liked to have done. Because if I can work myself into such a state over a bloody email, you can imagine what I'd be like in a conversation.

I said earlier I get on fairly well with this girl, and I like to think I do. But for the sorts of fearful reasons above, I keep out of her way because I like the fact we get on and I'm terrified that the more I interact with her, the more likely I am to do something weird or desperate or just plain annoying. The more I like someone the harder I try to keep out of their way. It's madness, utter madness.

So, umm, yeah. Anyone else have that problem?
 
Milly said:
I should offer apologies in advance - there isn't a huge point to this thread, it's just something I kinda feel like I want to tell someone. So in the absence of anyone else to listen, you lucky people are going to get it.

So there's this girl in work whose birthday it is. I've not had many dealings with her but she seems very nice and I thought we get on pretty well. She sends around an email mentioning her birthday and inviting people out for drinks. I'm copied in. Okay. Everything seems okay so far.

Except, of course, I manage to fresia this up. I'm well aware of how petty the following is, but that's the point - these are my tortuous thought processes over something as trivial as wishing somebody happy birthday. This is why I don't speak to anybody.

I started wondering about the best way to wish her a happy birthday. She works over by the office printer so when I go over to pick up some stuff, I think I'll do it then. Except the guy she sits next to is on the phone. Arse. My plan was to casually wish her happy birthday over the printer but it'd be terribly rude to speak over someone on the phone. If I walk around to her desk it looks a bit weird and try-hard. So I go and sit back down.

What now?

I could walk back over - but what if the guy is still on the phone? I'll look weird. In fact, I'll look weird all around if I go over and speak to her now, after I've just had a chance to. I'll look desperate.

There's an office messaging programme - but won't that look even weirder? Won't she think I'm strange if I send her a message rather than speak face-to-face? What if the people who sit around her see the message? Plus if I did send it there's all that awful to-and-fro where I have to pick the most graceful way to end a conversation that doesn't seem rude and also doesn't drag on too long in a weird and desperate way. And all that's assuming she even replies.

In the end, after half an hour of fixating on this problem in a near-tearful state of what's-wrong-with-me frustration, I replied to her email and wished her a happy birthday.

It wasn't even her birthday today - it's tomorrow.

I obviously didn't go out with them tonight, as much as part of me would have liked to have done. Because if I can work myself into such a state over a bloody email, you can imagine what I'd be like in a conversation.

I said earlier I get on fairly well with this girl, and I like to think I do. But for the sorts of fearful reasons above, I keep out of her way because I like the fact we get on and I'm terrified that the more I interact with her, the more likely I am to do something weird or desperate or just plain annoying. The more I like someone the harder I try to keep out of their way. It's madness, utter madness.

So, umm, yeah. Anyone else have that problem?

Sure have, plenty of times. Take her off the goddamn pedestal you made for her. As I see it you have two options - either subtly insult her, or try to DIRECTLY ask her out on a date. You need to take action to set yourself free from the grip of your imagination. And move on. Everything else like saving face, etc, is secondary...
 
^ lol, perf, I'm pretty sure she wasn't looking for a date with this girl, nor would subtly insulting her instead of wishing her a 'happy birthday' do much good in this situation. :p


I have a tendency to over-think things a lot too, I also feel really awkward just.. saying it. My solution? If I still feel awkward, I just leave a card or a note where they will see it, then it's taken care of with minimal effort on my part.
Though, I don't think e-mailing is a bad option, either.

It's too bad you didn't go with them, I can understand your anxiety though. Maybe there will be other occasions after you become more comfortable with her.
 
Yeah, I should probably have been clearer: I'm a girl too, there was no romantic intention behind it :p God knows what sort of gibbering wreck I'd be if there was...

And that makes it even worse I think. I had no ulterior motives beyond wishing someone a happy birthday and I still managed to turn that into a psychodrama. Nice.
 
Trip her when she's not looking then yell HAPPY BIRTHDAY, I COULDN'T FIGURE OUT ANY OTHER WAY TO MAKE THIS ANY MORE COMFORTABLE FOR EITHER OF US!?!?! She'll understand. ;) Don't question my sage advice.
 
Barbaloot said:
^ lol, perf, I'm pretty sure she wasn't looking for a date with this girl, nor would subtly insulting her instead of wishing her a 'happy birthday' do much good in this situation. :p


I have a tendency to over-think things a lot too, I also feel really awkward just.. saying it. My solution? If I still feel awkward, I just leave a card or a note where they will see it, then it's taken care of with minimal effort on my part.
Though, I don't think e-mailing is a bad option, either.

It's too bad you didn't go with them, I can understand your anxiety though. Maybe there will be other occasions after you become more comfortable with her.

oooooops
but but.. it'd be way more fun if there was a melodramatic story attached to it :p

Okay I relent! Milly, you don't want to date her, fine, it's your loss! :3
(does that mean you are looking for romantic intentions with a guy? :p)
 
I think what you did was fine, Milly. I also don't really think it matters that her birthday was the next day. You acknowledged her email, as well as wishing her a happy birthday. You did good. :D
 
Milly said:
So, umm, yeah. Anyone else have that problem?

It sure does sound familiar. I can take the simplest thing and over think it until i am paralyzed.

As Eve said, you did fine.
 
Yup, the age old problem of the brain that doesn't have anything intelligent to say, but won't shut up - ironically enough the perfect antagonist to the individual that houses it - who has many intelligent things to say but is very quiet.

My advice, practice!!! Have more f2f conversations with people so you'll realize there is no reason to be so anxious about these things!
 
Milly said:
So, umm, yeah. Anyone else have that problem?

Mhm, my brain loves doing that. As grainofrice said, the only thing that really helps in the long run is interacting with people more often. You get used to it and realize that your behavior is pretty normal after all. Most people don't even notice or care if you say something that's not quite perfect, and it doesn't influence their opinion of you. You did fine by the way!

Do you only worry about how to react beforehand or do you also second guess yourself afterwards? I do that quite a bit : D"
 

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