"Poor little rich boy"

Ok so I stumbled upon this site on one of my many existential and depressed google searches and I'm really glad that I found a bunch of people who actually understand the pain of loneliness. However, I see that a lot of people are depressed due to money troubles, lack of parental support, or shitty childhoods. It really kills me to read that- you guys have gone through so much and have made it over unsurmountable odds- but I am ashamed to say that I can't relate at all. The truth is, I was (unfortunately) born into a very wealthy family. My parents always have and still do love me very much and I have been given more blessings, opportunities, and material goods that I ever wanted/knew what to do with. A few things that I have never had, and probably never will have, are confidence and trust. I promise I'm not the pretentious ******* that I'm coming off as so far...I just don't know how to describe my situation any other way. Anyway, I was molested by a stranger when I was around 5 years old and over the next couple of years, I was subject to racist remarks from a few schoomates and their parents (I am Indian). I started hating myself at that point- I would cake white powder on my face and wish I was white like everyone else. I never got past those demons, and my parents don't even know about the abuse. I have always had low self-esteem that I counterbalanced with extreme anger. I was a pretty intelligent kid until I reached middle school, where my fears of acceptance took over again. People called me a loser because of my glasses and high grades. With poorer grades and still no friends, I turned to alcohol and drugs in my high school years. My parents never got mad at me for these turn of events, but their disappointment killed me more than any punishment. I wish that I would have died as a baby or been switched with another child so that my parents would get a better son than me. They did everything in their power to make me happy- My first car cost more than most people's yearly salaries, I traveled all around the world, etc. but I was just an empty money pit- filled with nothing but self-hatred. I wish I could make them proud, but I have always been a failure. I have always been picked last, looked down on, made fun of for being me. So I became someone else. I finally had freeloading friends who used me for my things. I have never had one close friend or girlfriend in my entire life. I went to college, quit drinking, and started caring about school. The result?- I was even more lonely, depressed, and farther away from my parents- the only people in the world who cared about me. My grades tanked despite my best efforts and my dreams of making them proud were now crushed forever. I'm in junior year right now and I have no idea where my life is going.

I'm sick of getting screwed in life. I am sick of being the "ugly friend." I am sober, academically successful, I exercise, and I eat right now. I have the financial freedom to live my dreams, but I am too scared of the failure that defines my life. I am kind and considerate to everyone, only to get crushed and passed over for someone who is arrogant and cruel. People treat me like honeysuckle because how I look and how worthless they think I am, and I let them. From the outside, it looks pathetic- I am THAT guy, the spoiled brat who bitches about petty honeysuckle while there are people who can't afford to eat. And I understand that. I punish myself for it- I have deprived myself of food to experience the pain of hunger, I dress in ratty clothes and get sneered at to experience the life of the homeless. I have run away from home and lived in a park before. But it doesn't take the pain away. I am a few months away from getting a plane ticket to some obscure country, disappearing into the unknown, and taking my own life. I would trade every goddamn material thing for a minute of true happiness.

Money cant buy happiness.
Im sorry to hear about what happened to you.
I dont think ive ever told this to anyone else before, but I too was molested as a child, it was by my stepfather (not the one I live with now). It messed me up pretty bad and I think most of the issues I have today (especially my self worth) stem from that incident.

About being indian there is nothing wrong with that, and you shouldnt be ashamed of who you are.

If you want someone to talk to you can PM.

hm....theres this one thing about money..it pushes ppl away,prolly out of jealousy. If I were u , honestly, I would hide it..If ppl that were worse off than u saw u proudly driving your car they wouldnt want to be friends if it costs more than salary of their mother and father added together.
In fact, I had a friend about 6 years ago, he also, i guess ,figured it out or somth. Cause we met in one of the worst neighborhoods and I was wandering what he was doing there living in a slum with some jobless friends . He told the same story as u and said how he wanted to experience the life in "real world". But then he showed up in twoseater (i have no idea what it was and what happened exactly ) but it was a toy that ppl he lived with would never see in their lives....I really wish I knew what happened cause it was funny how his company of friends fell apart and they moved out of that slum. He even lied saying that it was his friend's ...but it didnt work well. It made him stand out of that other circle where he didnt fit and made those ppl feel bad about themselves.I guess , some ppl cant handle seeing their friends living well and not even having to work for it while they have a huge problem finding some shitty job.I guess, the solution for u is to hang out with ppl of the same financial situation. Do u know children of ur parents' friends?
Even if u tell others that u are not spoiled brat they most likely wont believe u. I also know a woman she lives downtown Manhattan right by ground zero and owns that building , a little space not even a studio costs around $3000 a month I think. Eeeveeeryone thinks she is very lucky cause she smiles and laughs for everyone but at the same time she is on some kinda antidepresants or moodelevators sees a psycologist on regular basis and is totally empty inside. It just breaks my heart cause she's one of the warmest and nicest and loving human beings I've ever met. This other woman that she loves and treats like her own mother , I jusn knew she was fake and never liked her from the beginning, but while she stepped out for a sec. this woman said somth. stupid about her (she prolly expected me to laugh or somth)..how mean is that, talking honeysuckle behind person's back, while she buys her breakfast, lunch and dinner at any restaurant and God knows what else everytime they meet.
Thats why I hate ppl.
I feel sorry for u.

I was also molested and it also messed me up.
But i guess even with this problem its easier to find someone cause a lot of ppl have same problem in common nowadays they feel sorry for e/o and try to do their best to comfort others.
The thing with wealth is more complicated cause most ppl dont have it "in common" so they pull apart. The only thing that $$$$$$ creates is hate.

i think you came to the right place; and i think you'll make some really good friends here. as for wanting to take your own life in a few months. what i want to ask is...are you sure that youve tried everything? .

also hiding your money... you shud be accepted as a rich boy, or as a poor. so you shouldn't have to hide it.

there is actually a lot i wish i could say to you.. because i can relate to some stuff in your post. a lot of the people arent here because of issuses with money though.

also money problems can be better than no-money problem; because the the first case at least you have something to work for.

if this helps remember DON'T RUSH DEATH. it will find you someday in any case. Also there are things about life that are beautiful beyond conception. Being depressed is horrible and most people here have been very depressed. Some people have it worse than others BUT EVERYONE can be helped.

You are not a hopeless soul and i think that it does not take a lot to change a person's life, but what it does take is rare and you really need to seek it out.
Please reply to these post because we really don't want you to go to a country and kill yourself. You're parents love you, and although I don't know the purpose of life I know that each of us is worth the same.. what ever that value is ..it's something infinite.. because

yes life sucks! a lot sometimes..
but there is so much mystery and beauty as well.. our minds can create our reality. i can't explain what i want to say in one post. And you may not agree with any of it. But please believe me when I say you have not tried it all. You have not given life a fair chance to show you it's beauty. Forget about money for a while.. try to enjoy life and attain or create peace.. and see what happens. Okay I'll shut-up now..

But please reply...let's battle out the concepts of this depressing trap called life together... and also know that you are not alone in the pain you carry okay. Believe me you arent.

I can understand a lot of the things you've been through as I've been considered a nerd, had a rough time in grade school cause I was different looking and got good grades but had no social life. And when I went to college, I was independent and away from my ultra conservative parents, but things got worse cause I felt more isolated and depressed. What depresses me most about my past, and what makes me not want to live anymore, is not the fact that people have been bad to me, but my lack of experiences in life. I truly believe that happiness stems from being close to people, and having love. I don't remember when I had a good day at work, or when I got an A on a midterm, but I do remember the time I went to Las Vegas for the first time, and a big party I went to my junior year. It's because of the people I was with, and the experiences we shared together. Those were two of the very few times I really cherished. I know that even if I were a billionaire I'd still be poor, because I'd have nothing else. I'd much rather be successful than rich, and to me, being successful means having success in relationships and loving yourself, as well as in school/work. It's about having balance. And if you don't have some of those things, it makes you feel like a failure. I think I have pretty good insight as to who is happy and who isn't - I see the people I went to college with, and where they are now. I know one guy who has a really good job with a top consulting firm, but still attached to his parents and wanting a girlfriend. I know that even though he has a nice car and all, he's distracted by the things he lacks. I've realized that no matter what you have or what you accomplish, it's the feeling of being appreciated that makes it all worthwhile. I've never had issues with money either, but so what if I'm making a good salary? I feel invisible and no one really cares to inquire about how I'm doing. So I feel as though everything I do is basically for nothing. I have a good college degree from a top 20 institution and there are people working at Wal-Mart who are happier than me. I think my so called intelligence is a curse because I can't relate to people normally and I don't take interest in many things.

I would give up everything I have if it meant not being dead to the world.If there were someone I knew who cared enough to be concerned about me, then I would consider going on, but since that hasn't happened, I see no reason to...believe me I have an idea what you are going thru, and you can PM me any time u want to talk.

To everyone who responded, thank you for being so warm and receptive and understanding where I come from. I have never openly expressed myself like this, and usually when I say that I am unhappy or feel empty, people laugh it off and attribute it to laziness or boredom with my "easy" life. In terms of "hiding" who I am, I am doing a pretty good job in college. I take public transportation, dress like everyone else, and try not to stand out. I see a lot of people doing the exact opposite. I have to say, I'm not doing this to fool others as much as I am to make myself feel better. I believe that all people from all places can be equally good or bad, and that even the worst people have good qualities. If I could be anyone, I would be Buddha, because he gave up a world of material possessions for a deeper and more noble cause. Ya, I obviously know that money doesn't buy happiness. It is actually a burden, because I truly have no real claim or ownership of any of it. I hate that my parents' success contributes to mine, when I haven't done anything to deserve it. My parents actually left lives of luxury back in their country to come to America and see if they could make it on their own. I love that and I am so proud of them. As far as being friends with my peers, I have tried doing that for most of my life. The result is a huge number of shallow, material-based relationships that mean nothing to me. I'll be the first to say that I hate "rich kids." They get away with anything and have no respect for anyone because they are always bowed down to by society. Some of my peers would blow enormous amounts of cash on alcohol and drugs, drive around in their expensive cars, and yell racial epithets or insults at people who were not as socioeconomically blessed. They would get booked for DUIs, get into crashes, etc. but walk away with a slap on the wrist. I hate that people associate me with them without knowing a **** thing about me. I also hate competition the way it is right now- your worth is based on your net worth, where you went to school, what you wear, who your friends are, etc. There are so many people I know who will add another 1000 square feet to their house or buy more of something just because someone else already has it. Everyone likes a good downfall, and so far, I have been the entertainment.

I used to hate rich kids as well. And I went to school with the richest of the rich. ..but now I don't hate them, I see things now.. as we are all the same. poor people do the same things they do.. just they have more money to do those things with.

I think it just shows you how insecure everyone is.. that we need expensive cars, or phones, or even love (of God or a girlfriend/boyfriend to show us that we are worth being around).. to make us feel good.

it's no longer a bad thing in my book.. it's just who we are. Insecure people.. EVERYWHERE. I think some people just dont know that they are insecure, because they don't really recognise the things that they depend upon to validate their worth.

20yrs2many forget all the people who you think look down on you because you were a 'downfall'. They don't know you well enough to jugde you...so if they are dumb enough to judge you from that far. Also there is a BobMarley song that says 'only a fool is thirsty in the abundance of water' .. it's really hard to find good people out there.. but believe me they exist ..so have a little hope that you'll meet one or two of them.

yada, yada, yada.. if I continue I'll sound as if I'm preaching or writing a self-help book. =)

lonelyloser said:

I can understand a lot of the things you've been through as I've been considered a nerd, had a rough time in grade school cause I was different looking and got good grades but had no social life. And when I went to college, I was independent and away from my ultra conservative parents, but things got worse cause I felt more isolated and depressed. What depresses me most about my past, and what makes me not want to live anymore, is not the fact that people have been bad to me, but my lack of experiences in life. I truly believe that happiness stems from being close to people, and having love. I don't remember when I had a good day at work, or when I got an A on a midterm, but I do remember the time I went to Las Vegas for the first time, and a big party I went to my junior year. It's because of the people I was with, and the experiences we shared together. Those were two of the very few times I really cherished. I know that even if I were a billionaire I'd still be poor, because I'd have nothing else. I'd much rather be successful than rich, and to me, being successful means having success in relationships and loving yourself, as well as in school/work. It's about having balance. And if you don't have some of those things, it makes you feel like a failure. I think I have pretty good insight as to who is happy and who isn't - I see the people I went to college with, and where they are now. I know one guy who has a really good job with a top consulting firm, but still attached to his parents and wanting a girlfriend. I know that even though he has a nice car and all, he's distracted by the things he lacks. I've realized that no matter what you have or what you accomplish, it's the feeling of being appreciated that makes it all worthwhile. I've never had issues with money either, but so what if I'm making a good salary? I feel invisible and no one really cares to inquire about how I'm doing. So I feel as though everything I do is basically for nothing. I have a good college degree from a top 20 institution and there are people working at Wal-Mart who are happier than me. I think my so called intelligence is a curse because I can't relate to people normally and I don't take interest in many things.

I would give up everything I have if it meant not being dead to the world.If there were someone I knew who cared enough to be concerned about me, then I would consider going on, but since that hasn't happened, I see no reason to...believe me I have an idea what you are going thru, and you can PM me any time u want to talk.

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Im in the same boat as you. Graduated from a well known school, have a good education, make good money. People tell me to cheer up because I have life by the tail right now, but in reality I really have nothing. I trade it all to have someone love me and care about me.

Glad to see that your back and ok 20yrs2many

What do you want? What do you really, really want from life?

I think that's the most major question that you and anyone else should be asking themselves. Money is only means to an end, and while its wonderful that you're so well-blessed with such much potential in the form of liquid funds, the only way you can be happy is to find what is the end that you wish to achieve.

Once you realize exactly what you want from life, you know what to put your effort to, and you won't have to felt a smidgin of guilt for anything you do to get to that end. Because you'll be doing the same thing as any one of us: fighting for your dreams.

Regards,
IO

also hiding your money... you shud be accepted as a rich boy, or as a poor. so you shouldn't have to hide it.

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well we all should be accepted..in perfect world....but many are not accepted unfortunately.


this society, i think, does not accept poor or rich, it usually hates the rich and feels sorry for poor nothing more.
u gotta be the middle..."just like everybody else"..general public

hidding money is not hidding "who u are" .Who u are u can never hide, sooner or later it'll come out, and I'm sure that who he is, is a very nice guy. Money is just material thing that ppl look at and judge before getting to know really who u are inside. Its better for them to get to know him as a person and after that they might be even happier if that car or whatever is added to the relationship.somth. like that.

he was being used already, cause ppls greedy mind thinks like that :"ooo...he has it . I want it too." What do most ppl work for? They want house(s) car(s)..and more and more and everything...and its never enough. As long as they can get it from him and money is all they care about..then who will care about that person or getting to know him?

If he makes a best friend or a girlfriend that really falls in love with him for just who hw is then it will be true. Then they should stick with him if he's poor or rich. Otherwise, u never know , who ur new friend loves first ur money (most likely) or u.

yea your right.

the only thing is this (not to do with 20yrs2many...) but sometimes do you think having money could be a part of who you are...? as in if you grew up with money wouldnt your experiences have been different.. like you would have to hide stuff like.. the fact that you never washed clothes, or the fact that you have the lastest blah, blah..

i don't know... maybe you'd end up lying a lot. i mean.. who you are may be someone who has money buy doesn't flaunt it... but having to lie about things can be difficult.

but maybe there is no other solution.

i'm talking about 20yrs though.. also i'm not giving advice.
lol.. i cant explain this post.. i think i'm actually the only one who'd get it (sry lol.). humm yea.. the question was retorical i guess.

e.m.e. said:

also hiding your money... you shud be accepted as a rich boy, or as a poor. so you shouldn't have to hide it.

Click to expand...

well we all should be accepted..in perfect world....but many are not accepted unfortunately.


this society, i think, does not accept poor or rich, it usually hates the rich and feels sorry for poor nothing more.
u gotta be the middle..."just like everybody else"..general public

hidding money is not hidding "who u are" .Who u are u can never hide, sooner or later it'll come out, and I'm sure that who he is, is a very nice guy. Money is just material thing that ppl look at and judge before getting to know really who u are inside. Its better for them to get to know him as a person and after that they might be even happier if that car or whatever is added to the relationship.somth. like that.

he was being used already, cause ppls greedy mind thinks like that :"ooo...he has it . I want it too." What do most ppl work for? They want house(s) car(s)..and more and more and everything...and its never enough. As long as they can get it from him and money is all they care about..then who will care about that person or getting to know him?

If he makes a best friend or a girlfriend that really falls in love with him for just who hw is then it will be true. Then they should stick with him if he's poor or rich. Otherwise, u never know , who ur new friend loves first ur money (most likely) or u.

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There was a guy in my HS who had a lot of money, drove a nice car, wore the best clothes, and had the hottest women. But inconceivably, he was still friends with me, and always made an effort to talk to me. He never hid his wealth, but he was nice to everyone, and I could never say anything bad about him cause he was never stuck up. So, I don't think you have to hide money. It's all about your mindset - if you believe that you are a nice person who people will like, and aren't afraid to show it, then it will work out. It's all about making people believe what you want them to believe.

I wouldn't say I'm rich, but my parents do cover EVERYTHING for me: Gas, insurance, food, clothes, everything under the sun except some of my guitar equipment, which I paid for solely with money I've received on holidays or from working odd jobs over the summer; all of the other guitar stuff I have, which is pretty expensive, came from them.

I have to put up with garbage as well, and it's not fair. No, I don't have a job yet and I never have -- so does that mean I can't suffer as much? There's the mentality out there that attaches a stigma to the abundance of monetary wealth; do not by any means allow it to get to you. My parents love me dearly, several of my grandparents are alive and well, and I've had the opportunity to meet a very skilled luthier who has become one of my greatest mentors and best friends. And yet, I turn them all away. I never completely open up to anyone, despite there being an abundance of people to do so to. I think that stems from trying too many times and having it fail.

What I am getting at is that opportunity has nothing to do with happiness. Taking advantage of it does, yet mental or emotional inhibitions can be crippling. Screw what anyone else thinks or says about you. Looking at people with money and dismissing them as frivolous, materialistic, or too worldly is idiotic at best. Yes, it's natural to, and yes, there are plenty of people like that. However, a person is not defined by his possessions any more than his trade. Individual perspectives and personal values are not externally visible, and only those who can penetrate into your character from direct experience in relating to you can reasonably make that judgment, even though judgments should be avoided in all cases in my opinion.

It is very hard to get past that stigma, but it's possible. My first bit of advice to you is to exist for yourself and yourself alone; and this is very possible in existing solely for other people. In other words, progress to the point where you can function independently while being unaffected in any significant way by anyone else's perception. It is miserable, but learning to be happy alone is especially important when you are forced into such isolation. You say you've abandoned your parents; is there any way to go back to them at some point in time? Taking a while to live alone and come to terms with all of this negativity, crushing depression, and unfathomable frustration will most likely help you immensely. You can get through this -- everyone can. It's a matter of how strong you are, and you're coming off as plenty strong to me (and trust me, I don't say things like that when I don't mean them). I can't do it for you, though, and neither can anyone else. You're going to have put up with honeysuckle from other people for your whole life, but so long as your understanding of your own self -- what is important to you, what you believe in and what you live for, and who you are as a person (all subjective and indefinitely variable, but largely definable to an extent nonetheless) -- is intact, none of it will matter.

Don't give in; it would truly be a tragedy. If you were to end things, you'd be throwing away the gift of humanity, the gift of understanding and contentedness in fulfillment, even if its not complete with happiness. Your life is worth living, and its a great injustice to yourself to end it on such a dreadfully inconclusive and entirely unfulfilled note.

Furthermore, your problems are just as valid as anyone else's, end of story. I once had a conversation with someone to whom I revealed a great trouble of mine regarding a feeling of great inadequacy, inferiority, and ultimately the futility in me trying to be good at anything. She responded by saying, "Shut the fresia up. You sound so emo" and "Go live in Somalia then complain about that honeysuckle." I have been resentful towards her for that statement ever since, even though I can empathize with her problems and I do realize that her life is hell in its own way. They just struck me as profoundly stupid, completely ignorant, and remarkably parochial. Spoken like a true pseudo-genius riding a high horse or glued with a raised nose to an ivory pedestal. And what did I do? I apologized to her and went on a self-deprecation rant, only furthering my feelings that I had attempted to relieve in revealing them to her. That is something that haunts you for quite a while; I'm not sure if it'll ever go away for me. However, I do realize her error now, and you must realize others' errors. Your problems are just as valid. Physical hunger versus starvation of the soul; they're parallel in their own ways, being equally painful in their own ways. One is no worse than the other, as they both completely destroy the construction of the mind to a state of misery and dysfunction. In a word, fresia them. They don't know what they're talking about, and they're either bitter, jaded ******** who have had lives of hell and now don't give a **** about anyone else out of spite, or they haven't experienced anywhere near the level of pain that you have. Take it with a grain of salt, and don't hesitate to put it on an otherwise bland steak.

Please hang in there. I would be sorely disappointed should you do anything rash, and giving up is the saddest thing there is. You're a human being with just as much potential as anyone else -- the potential to fulfill your own individual life in a way that will only suit you, so that you won't die in vain or a lack of resolution. Focus your energy inward until you come to terms with what you are able to, and use that newfound self-knowledge to better your former relationships. I'm just giving ideas here; you're the only one that can ultimately found out what will really work. I just hope that you do, and I would like to say that I am urging you to do so with utmost...urgency? As reiteration shows, "urging" holds a lot of weight. So do it!

I HATE THAT PHRASE! Nobody can just "do it!" It's hard as hell, and it's probably going to suck. But the point is, you're going to come out in a far better position, and you're furthermore going to come out a far more developed human being who will have a far greater potential to reap the benefits of life to the fullest. So, as a revision, I wish you the best, and I mean that wholeheartedly. You can win, and you will win should you demonstrate ample determination and effort. Winning rarely equals happiness, but it will surely lead to comfort; and that's a far better position than the one you're in now. Please just shoot for that; shoot for anything you can think of to get yourself out of this miserable situation. I am gladly willing to give you all the help I can, but when it gets down to it, you're your own best friend. You hold the light that will guide you to your proud destination, and no one else. Don't allow anyone to extinguish that flame.