sorandom5454
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- Dec 5, 2012
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This just came to mind after an "incident" I had yesterday at the local store. Or well it's one of those places where you can buy tobacco and lottery tickets but they sell a lot of other things too, had gotten myself some milk as well as some other items. The clerk currently working was the owner of the store, a midage woman. I have seen her before several times and she always acts very nice with me, almost in an... odd way. Not really in the way people are generally nice. Well I never really reflected upon that until yesterday. As she had stuffed my item in a bag and I was gonna leave, she looked upon me with a troubled face and asked if I really could carry the goods. I got surprised as I wasn't sure what she meant so I just mumbled yeah ofc and took my stuff and got out of there.
Now while there may be some explanation for this, I really don't see any obvious one. Why wouldn't a grown man be able to carry a bag with some milk and bread in it? I mean had I been impaired or bought huge quantities of something then maybe it would have been justified to ask but now, no. And I know I should have asked her what she meant but too late for that now. Anyway, what she asked yesterday in combination with how she's been acting with me has lead me to believe she thinks there's something off with me. I feel as if she treats me somewhat like a child while I never seen her act that way with other customers. Given my BDD and that I have times when I feel like I look disfigured or odd, I started thinking this is the reason for her behaving like that. Maybe she thinks I have some diagnose or that I'm mentally challenged or something else, I don't know.
Now, I understand this might very well be my own flawed interpretation of the events. Unfortunately in my head I have already made up my mind that's what she thinks of me. I had a very bad experience with a date some years ago, we had met online and sent photos, then the actual date was horrible and afterwards she told me I looked strange and not like in the photos and also asked me if there was something wrong with me. That was when this thought got rooted in my mind - that not only must people think that I'm very ugly, maybe I even look so ugly/weird that some people think there's actually something wrong with me.
All of this just makes me feel extremely low. Like, it's bad enough trying to socialize with people while being afraid of how they will judge my appearance but it's even worse doing so if I have to be afraid they will think I'm not "normal". Has anyone else been through any similar experience? Or do you have any comments on my thoughts?
And I want to add I absolutely do not mean any disrespect to people that are mentally challenged for instance. It's just that when not being mentally challenged, it obviously would feel very uncomfortable to be interpreted as such.
Now while there may be some explanation for this, I really don't see any obvious one. Why wouldn't a grown man be able to carry a bag with some milk and bread in it? I mean had I been impaired or bought huge quantities of something then maybe it would have been justified to ask but now, no. And I know I should have asked her what she meant but too late for that now. Anyway, what she asked yesterday in combination with how she's been acting with me has lead me to believe she thinks there's something off with me. I feel as if she treats me somewhat like a child while I never seen her act that way with other customers. Given my BDD and that I have times when I feel like I look disfigured or odd, I started thinking this is the reason for her behaving like that. Maybe she thinks I have some diagnose or that I'm mentally challenged or something else, I don't know.
Now, I understand this might very well be my own flawed interpretation of the events. Unfortunately in my head I have already made up my mind that's what she thinks of me. I had a very bad experience with a date some years ago, we had met online and sent photos, then the actual date was horrible and afterwards she told me I looked strange and not like in the photos and also asked me if there was something wrong with me. That was when this thought got rooted in my mind - that not only must people think that I'm very ugly, maybe I even look so ugly/weird that some people think there's actually something wrong with me.
All of this just makes me feel extremely low. Like, it's bad enough trying to socialize with people while being afraid of how they will judge my appearance but it's even worse doing so if I have to be afraid they will think I'm not "normal". Has anyone else been through any similar experience? Or do you have any comments on my thoughts?
And I want to add I absolutely do not mean any disrespect to people that are mentally challenged for instance. It's just that when not being mentally challenged, it obviously would feel very uncomfortable to be interpreted as such.