Why put so much effort?

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.
V

Veruca

Guest
Do you ever ask yourself why bother? Why bother trying, putting in so much effort, when time after time you are trampled on, taken advantage of, underappreciated and left used and drained?

Its been such a horrible week and I've been trying to not whine about it, but I feel like if I keep it in any more, an ulcer is about to form in one of my organs from all this repressing.

I sacrificed my time and sleep to design flyers for my cousin who was completely ungrateful. Stayed up late to work on all these decorations and designing backdrops for this event at the office and the credit went to someone else. Some jealous colleague sabotaged me and got me into trouble with my boss. A bunch of people said mean things. And I was ok with all of it. Really I was.

Until this award I was supposed to receive went to someone else, someone less deserving! I had spent the whole year slaving, absolutely slaving to prove that I deserved a promotion, an award at the very least, and it went to someone else!

It was too much, just too much and I had to lock myself in my car and cry.

Bad...bad week.
 
Well I was in a situation like that at my previous job, so I quit. Maybe I'm a bad example, but I will sacrifice money for happiness anytime. I'm not sure of your financial situation so maybe you should keep the job, but my advice is to quit.
 
that sounds horrible, sorry... why does one do nice things for others? Usually one can't help it :) But people can be ungrateful, so maybe it is less generous but more wise to check first who is the recipient of that kindness, so to save the effort for people or situations that deserve it.
I have no idea about your situation, but it sounds like you could use building more boundaries and learning to say "no" with more ease - on the other hand, maybe it's just a really bad work environment, perhaps you can look for alternatives.
 
That sucks, it seems you work hard and get no recognition for it. But don't listen to Frozen, taking the low road is not a good idea. Those who take the low road eventually get exposed for what they are, and everyone knows it even if no one says anything.
 
Thank you everyone for taking time to reply. I think I agree with all of you in one way or another.

Will8285, you're right money is not as important as happiness. But it is a dilemma nevertheless, with high unemployment rates and student loans, I wonder if I should soldier on. I guess before throwing the towel in, I'll try to talk to my boss and see if he's understanding. I suppose if nothing works, anything ought to be better than having to watch your back for saboteurs constantly. Quitting it is! =)

Peaches, you are right. I've always had trouble saying no, because I never want to offend anyone, but I don't think I can continue like this anymore. Now that I know how certain people don't appreciate my efforts, I think I will be very polite in saying no to them in the future.

Afrozensoul, I have indeed learned many lessons after some ruminating, but I am afraid I could never put anything less than 100% and that's just me. I don't think choosing the low road is actually bad, because we all have different justifications for our actions. Sometimes, taking the low road may be the smarter thing to do (not exhausting oneself for example). But I think for me, I'd feel far too guilty about not doing my best. Also, I read somewhere that hardship makes life more meaningful, so maybe I should remind myself that this challenging phase might be a good experience. Got to try anyway ;)

Sci-fi, yes, I couldn't take the low road, eventhough taking the high road seems to be crushing me under its weight. But perhaps you are right. Perhaps someday, someone may recognize my efforts and it would be sad if I did not stand true to my principles then eh? Or worse case scenario, at least I can quit knowing I had given it my best, nothing to regret.
 
Veruca said:
Do you ever ask yourself why bother? Why bother trying, putting in so much effort, when time after time you are trampled on, taken advantage of, underappreciated and left used and drained?

Its been such a horrible week and I've been trying to not whine about it, but I feel like if I keep it in any more, an ulcer is about to form in one of my organs from all this repressing.

I sacrificed my time and sleep to design flyers for my cousin who was completely ungrateful. Stayed up late to work on all these decorations and designing backdrops for this event at the office and the credit went to someone else. Some jealous colleague sabotaged me and got me into trouble with my boss. A bunch of people said mean things. And I was ok with all of it. Really I was.

Until this award I was supposed to receive went to someone else, someone less deserving! I had spent the whole year slaving, absolutely slaving to prove that I deserved a promotion, an award at the very least, and it went to someone else!

It was too much, just too much and I had to lock myself in my car and cry.

Bad...bad week.

i hope next week is better for you !
 
Veruca said:
Do you ever ask yourself why bother? Why bother trying, putting in so much effort, when time after time you are trampled on, taken advantage of, underappreciated and left used and drained?

We bother because of what we crave; it's a different thing for each of us and at different parts of our lives. I can only say that you can accept it, reject it or find a new 'angle' to get what you crave.

There is what you take
and what you allow to be taken from you
but the real harm comes
from believing you are nothing more than a victim.
 
JasonM said:
Veruca said:
Do you ever ask yourself why bother? Why bother trying, putting in so much effort, when time after time you are trampled on, taken advantage of, underappreciated and left used and drained?

We bother because of what we crave; it's a different thing for each of us and at different parts of our lives. I can only say that you can accept it, reject it or find a new 'angle' to get what you crave.

There is what you take
and what you allow to be taken from you
but the real harm comes
from believing you are nothing more than a victim.

I get trampled on in every facet of my life, and honestly I'm at the point of not trying. At work, at home and even online...I give 110% to try and improve things or help people, and it only is it not appreciated, sometimes I'm berated for my efforts. Just the other day someone on another site was looking for advice, so I wrote a couple of paragraphs of what I felt was quality relationship advice...I was extremely polite. The response I get back was "I'm you are in a relationship, you should get out"...that's it, gee thanks.

I'm at the point of just existing.
 
JasonM said:
Veruca said:
Do you ever ask yourself why bother? Why bother trying, putting in so much effort, when time after time you are trampled on, taken advantage of, underappreciated and left used and drained?

We bother because of what we crave; it's a different thing for each of us and at different parts of our lives. I can only say that you can accept it, reject it or find a new 'angle' to get what you crave.

There is what you take
and what you allow to be taken from you
but the real harm comes
from believing you are nothing more than a victim.

You're right JasonM. Even if its something as essential as being respected, its still something I desire or crave. I can learn to live without rewards or recognition, but I am not enlightened enough to manage without being respected. And I've been victimizing myself, believing that I have no choice, but I do. Even if its a difficult choice, its still a choice nevertheless, and a juggling act between priorities and sacrifice.

I am prioritizing paying off my loans now and sacrificing being treated with respect and kindness. But in the future I may need to prioritize peace of mind, and maybe it'll take longer to pay off the loans, but perhaps I can live with that then.

But I hope its okay to come here and still vent once in awhile! :D


The_Old_Soul said:
JasonM said:
Veruca said:
Do you ever ask yourself why bother? Why bother trying, putting in so much effort, when time after time you are trampled on, taken advantage of, underappreciated and left used and drained?

We bother because of what we crave; it's a different thing for each of us and at different parts of our lives. I can only say that you can accept it, reject it or find a new 'angle' to get what you crave.

There is what you take
and what you allow to be taken from you
but the real harm comes
from believing you are nothing more than a victim.

I get trampled on in every facet of my life, and honestly I'm at the point of not trying. At work, at home and even online...I give 110% to try and improve things or help people, and it only is it not appreciated, sometimes I'm berated for my efforts. Just the other day someone on another site was looking for advice, so I wrote a couple of paragraphs of what I felt was quality relationship advice...I was extremely polite. The response I get back was "I'm you are in a relationship, you should get out"...that's it, gee thanks.

I'm at the point of just existing.

I often consider just giving up, but I always reach a point where I feel like I'm disappointing myself you know? And that feels worse than being disappointed by others. I'm learning...rather slowly, I admit, but hopefully someday, I'll be able to enjoy the task itself, and love myself and everyone without needing anyone to validate my existence and my efforts. Its tough, crazy tough, but would you give it a shot? Maybe? :)
 
Veruca said:
JasonM said:
Veruca said:
Do you ever ask yourself why bother? Why bother trying, putting in so much effort, when time after time you are trampled on, taken advantage of, underappreciated and left used and drained?

We bother because of what we crave; it's a different thing for each of us and at different parts of our lives. I can only say that you can accept it, reject it or find a new 'angle' to get what you crave.

There is what you take
and what you allow to be taken from you
but the real harm comes
from believing you are nothing more than a victim.

You're right JasonM. Even if its something as essential as being respected, its still something I desire or crave. I can learn to live without rewards or recognition, but I am not enlightened enough to manage without being respected. And I've been victimizing myself, believing that I have no choice, but I do. Even if its a difficult choice, its still a choice nevertheless, and a juggling act between priorities and sacrifice.

I want to say something to you, but from what you said there is really no need. So I will just say...thank you.


Veruca said:
I am not enlightened enough to manage without being respected.

Do you respect yourself? Then you are or are not respected. You are the one in control, whether you want to accept that responsibility or not. I honestly think that is where most, if not all, of our misery comes from. The feeling that we are nothing more than victims with no escape from the cycle.


EDIT: PS Obviously I had something more to say. Just don't hold it against me.
 
Veruca said:
Afrozensoul, I have indeed learned many lessons after some ruminating, but I am afraid I could never put anything less than 100% and that's just me. I don't think choosing the low road is actually bad, because we all have different justifications for our actions. Sometimes, taking the low road may be the smarter thing to do (not exhausting oneself for example). But I think for me, I'd feel far too guilty about not doing my best. Also, I read somewhere that hardship makes life more meaningful, so maybe I should remind myself that this challenging phase might be a good experience. Got to try anyway ;)
You know it is a funny trend I see on this forum. All of us are riddled by guilt and miserable. Yet those who are manipulative and show no signs of remorse or guilt live happy fulfilling lives. Just something to ponder.
 
JasonM, lol no worries. Its good enough that people have actually replied with some useful comments. I am trying to apply it all daily!

AFrozenSoul, that's a valid observation, but I think there's more than meets the eye. A lot of times, people who seem happy, may not necessarily be, regardless of their level of integrity. Some manipulative people may have serious biological problems that doesn't allow them to act with a conscience, hence they seem perfectly happy being mean.

But mostly, I think a lot of manipulative people are just people who have been beat down, and turned out cynical. They're not happy, they've just learned to switch off their emotions because its easier to live that way, than to constantly struggle with it.

If you're interested, I found an interesting article about cynism (which I feel I am dangerously close to being, yikes!)...http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201212/is-cynicism-ruining-your-life
 
Veruca said:
AFrozenSoul, that's a valid observation, but I think there's more than meets the eye. A lot of times, people who seem happy, may not necessarily be, regardless of their level of integrity. Some manipulative people may have serious biological problems that doesn't allow them to act with a conscience, hence they seem perfectly happy being mean.

But mostly, I think a lot of manipulative people are just people who have been beat down, and turned out cynical. They're not happy, they've just learned to switch off their emotions because its easier to live that way, than to constantly struggle with it.

If you're interested, I found an interesting article about cynism (which I feel I am dangerously close to being, yikes!)...http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201212/is-cynicism-ruining-your-life
Happiness is all in the eye of the beholder. A lot of us who are miserable want to believe those who are without guilt are unhappy. However, I think that is just us lying to ourselves. Well I will not say 100% either way. However, it is all in the eye of the beholder. Just like how people believe I am miserable sitting around playing video games all day when I am actually having a lot of fun. More and more these days I think that we who are lonely want to believe certian things. A lot of those things are told to us in story books and in the media. When the truth of the matter is that those are work of fiction.
 
In the past I used to put so much effort in everything but now I'm pretty cautious. Only put effort in things when I feel comfortable and trust that person. It takes awhile for me to feel totally comfortable with people. I'm friendly and give advice but there's only a few who truly know me inside and out.
 
Veruca said:
But mostly, I think a lot of manipulative people are just people who have been beat down, and turned out cynical. They're not happy, they've just learned to switch off their emotions because its easier to live that way, than to constantly struggle with it.

If you're interested, I found an interesting article about cynism (which I feel I am dangerously close to being, yikes!)...

There are branches cynicism that aren't totally negative. Cynicism was an entire school of ancient Greek philosophy. I don't "switch off my emotions," nor am I manipulative. I admit, I'm struggling with depression and a nasty outlook on life, but I am getting treatment to pull myself out of this rut with the beneficial cynical values intact.

Positive Cynicism

Yeah, it's unhealthy when it gets out of hand, but I've picked my poison.
 
Thank you so much for this article LA! I read it a long time ago and completely forgot about cynicism as a philosophy! :D

I actually wrote a long reply about how I was unsure about positive cynicism, but its the end of the day now and I've ruminated about it for awhile.

I think I get what positive cynicism is and I think for the first time in my life, I can really embrace it.

Its not about not caring at all, the fact that I care is what keeps me grounded, despite being hurt and disappointed, its the stuff that keeps me from becoming cold. But at the same time, I am also aware that the world is more evil than good. That's not pessimism. No, I don't think that everything in the world is meaningless, that all my efforts will be pointless. I just think that maybe 8 out of 10 people will be mean, that hardwork won't always pay off, that ignorance and cruelty will continue to rise in the world and the goodness will exist, but it will be scarce.

And that being selective is good. I don't know if I agree with the author on hating certain things, hate is a strong emotion. But I agree with choosing what to care about and what to give up on and accept, even if its terrible. Like I know that where I come from, animals will always be mistreated, and that doesn't mean I should stop donating to the shelters. It just means, that perhaps I can save a couple of animals with my charity, but not put an end to the entire problem.

Feel free to disagree, I just feel a sense of relief at this realization :)
 
AFrozenSoul said:
Veruca said:
AFrozenSoul, that's a valid observation, but I think there's more than meets the eye. A lot of times, people who seem happy, may not necessarily be, regardless of their level of integrity. Some manipulative people may have serious biological problems that doesn't allow them to act with a conscience, hence they seem perfectly happy being mean.

But mostly, I think a lot of manipulative people are just people who have been beat down, and turned out cynical. They're not happy, they've just learned to switch off their emotions because its easier to live that way, than to constantly struggle with it.

If you're interested, I found an interesting article about cynism (which I feel I am dangerously close to being, yikes!)...http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/compassion-matters/201212/is-cynicism-ruining-your-life
Happiness is all in the eye of the beholder. A lot of us who are miserable want to believe those who are without guilt are unhappy. However, I think that is just us lying to ourselves. Well I will not say 100% either way. However, it is all in the eye of the beholder. Just like how people believe I am miserable sitting around playing video games all day when I am actually having a lot of fun. More and more these days I think that we who are lonely want to believe certian things. A lot of those things are told to us in story books and in the media. When the truth of the matter is that those are work of fiction.

Manipulative people...

I just left a forum (well, no, got banned for a year), because I tried to relate my life experiences, and then couldn't just listen and understand. "You need to (do this/that)." Combined with the fact that 2/3 of the people I met on my journeys (from bosses to random people) were like this, and they were doing it too, I came away with the feeling, "is it that hard to just mind your own business and be sympathetic? Did I really ask for life advice?"

Cynicism should always lead to apathy, never to manipulation. In fact, I'll go out of my way to force these people not to be manipulative, but rather apathetic. (Not being ironic at all...)

But yea, there are an awful lot of people who decide they're happy, and you're not living the way they are, thus you must be unhappy. If I had one wish, it'd be that (1) people stopped looking for leaders to tell them how to be happy/successful and (2) the other side, people stopped deciding they know how to run other people's life.
 

Latest posts

Back
Top