Differences between confident & unconfident ppl

I'm just wondering what's the significent differences in behaviors between confident and unconfident(low self esteem) people.
Maybe you can share your thoughts/opinions in forms like "when confident people would act this way, unconfident people would act this way." It can be stereotypical, but I just thought maybe learning confident /positive behaviors may help me act that way and I may gain confidence followed with good actions. I hope I make sense to you.

im interested as well..
i seem to be a clash of both. some days i am uber confident and strong minded.. then the next day i feel like crawling under a rock.

Part of it has to do with posture - confident people tend to stand/sit up straight, with their shoulders back and look people in the eyes when they talk to them. Using a loud (though not shouting) speaking voice helps - at least, don't mumble or speak too softly. These are things that you really need to practice in order to be able to do them regularly; next time you're walking somewhere, think about the position of your head and shoulders - tilt your head upwards a little bit and walk chest out, shoulders back. This feels uncomfortable at first, but you get used to it after a while (and you will actually feel better after a while, too).

I think ultimately it comes down to feeling comfortable, and you feel most comfortable when you are doing something in are used to/good at. Once you get used to giving off confident body language, you become comfortable with it (I think).

If you do or say something stupid, laugh at yourself about it. Don't feel embarrassed - let the stupidity shine.

Oh, and the other thing, try not to think so much about things (unless you are in an academic or similar environment). When you analyze things, you end up being stuck thinking about things for so long that you look uncomfortable - this, especially if you are particularly smart, is something that you have to practice (it's hard to turn of the analytical side of your brain sometimes).

Confident guys have no problem approaching women and striking up a conversation with them, or asking them on a date.

Guys who lack self-confidence generally figure the woman in question will not like them and don't approach them.

Of course, remember that confidence can't really be generalized. I'm very confident in career-related issues. However, not so much in matters of the heart.

LonelyInAtl said:

Of course, remember that confidence can't really be generalized. I'm very confident in career-related issues. However, not so much in matters of the heart.

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very true. that's something that I don't think most people realise.
I am similar to that as well. in most of my life I am confident. work, family, love, and confident in my own skills and opinions.
I can easily confront or deal with strangers at work all day long. manage a dept of employees, perform training seminaires infront of 30 staff members, negotiate contracts and deal with sales people.
confidence in that respect is to push any and all 2nd thoughts out of my mind and jump in with no hesitation.
it's much like being a singer on stage. if you start to think at any moment.. what is the next line?.. then you will surely forget the words. by clearing your mind and letting the mood take you it seems to pour out without effort.

where it all falls apart for me is in the friendship dept. when I was young, I got in with a group of people that I thought were my friends and I felt confident that I was fitting in well, then one day as I was walking down the hall about to turn a corner.. i heard them talking about me =/ and that's when I realised that they didn't really like me at all.. and it destroyed my confidence in friendships since then really. that and a few more similar incidents that followed over the years showed me that my confidence in friendships was a facade in my own mind. and up to this day.. i have 0 confidence in my ability to keep friends.

Do you think lack of confidence in people is actually fear of rejection ?

Its odd because my son is more confident when he is on stage 'acting' than when he is talking to people face to face.

Its like some people wear a mask to show their full potential.

it may be a fear of rejection, i don't know..
but to me it feels more like I expect rejection and so don't really fear it as much. the lack of confidence is in my understanding that rejection is all but guarenteed and I start to 2nd guess myself after the fact by thinking things like.. i shouldnt have said this, or done that, or told them this about myself or whatever.
the worst part is that usualy people will deny it if they realise i feel like that. even when it is true. i guess to avoid feeling bad themselves.
but, then it shakes my confidence even further because I cant be certain if it is in my own head or truly reality.

Walley said:

it may be a fear of rejection, i don't know..
but to me it feels more like I expect rejection and so don't really fear it as much. the lack of confidence is in my understanding that rejection is all but guarenteed and I start to 2nd guess myself after the fact by thinking things like.. i shouldnt have said this, or done that, or told them this about myself or whatever.
the worst part is that usualy people will deny it if they realise i feel like that. even when it is true. i guess to avoid feeling bad themselves.
but, then it shakes my confidence even further because I cant be certain if it is in my own head or truly reality.

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It sounds like (could be wrong) someone has made you question your own judgement and you are now being your harshest critic.

We all do and say things we regret, cos no one is perfect.

with me it's not 'fear of rejection' it's knowing I'm going to be rejected. I still ask women out to prove my theory.

I really like what theraab said. I have to agree with all you said. I appear confident and not too shy for the posture, the thing I need to work on is probably analyzing/thinking too much. I usually keep this in mind that people out there don't pay as much attention as you think they do. They might look at you with judgemental eyes for one second but when they look away I'm pretty sure they already forget about whatever came to their mind about you. I am ok with strangers because they don't have affect on me personally, but if I like someone or want to get closer to someone I think that's when my lack of confidence get in the way. I guess you can say it's related to fear of rejection... Or more or less, fear of losing them even before I had them, lol. I've a problem with abandonment.

There is great danger in having too much time to think. Went for an interview last week, didn't raise any nerves because it was sudden, where as when I have waited weeks for the same kind of interviews I have worked myself up to a nervous less confident self.

Sometimes we are our own worst enemies. Unfortunately being lonely allows too much time to analyse everything , often leaning on the negative because fear creeps in.

If you have never seen 'drop dead fred' its a good movie to watch about a person who's inner self questioning ruins everything.

i know what you mean monkeysox. It's so true.
It's always the best to keep busy for the mind I guess

Well, in psychology 101 the professor said that if you ask a person to list off 10 things they like about themselves. A confident person would have no problem doing this. As where an unconfident person would struggle.

Going from personal experience as well. We who lack confidence tend to glorify our failures. We also find any excuse we can to hate ourselves. Hence the many threads asking about if girls do not mind guys lack of relationship/sexual experience.

Confident people also smile where those of us who are not confident frown. You know stuff like that.

Self-confidence in any situation is a conviction. It's the true acceptance and love for an aspect about yourself. So when you are confident, you have no doubts expressing this aspect of you (for example an idea.. or the way you look.. or something you may do). After all, if you really love that part of yourself, why would you try to suppress it?

Well, in psychology 101 the professor said that if you ask a person to list off 10 things they like about themselves. A confident person would have no problem doing this. As where an unconfident person would struggle.

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not to say that a psychology professor could be wrong.. but I think he's wrong ;p

I can easily list 10 things I like about myself. if pushed i may even be able to come up with 20. but then after I stood up listed them all, i would leave the room thinking that everyone was rolling their eyes and whispering behind my back for saying it.
it doesnt prevent me from saying things, it just gives me anxiety by questioning myself after the fact.

I have all the confidence in the world in myself with anything except women. I mean I've had job interviews with no nerves and wowed my current employer. I have a 3.9 GPA in engineering courses so I consider myself to be rather successful. I've won numerous awards for academics but when it comes to women, I struggle with even small talk. How do I carry this confidence over to my social life?

I have no confidence in relating to other people.

I have confidence in most skills, because I can learn fairly quickly. I resent the "jack of all trades, master of none" who says you have to suck at them?

What I really suck at is situations where my future comes down to another person's acceptance/rejection based on personal qualities. When it comes down to quality of work, I either can't do it (after which I don't last more than about two days) or I prove myself through work, but later get phased out if someone wants someone more talkative and social.

Any team project I get into, I end up having to do most of the work myself. Any forum I've started, gets no members. Anything I write, gets no readers. Any game I make, even if it takes years to make, gets no notice. This is despite spending countless hours making sure the quality is up to snuff, and double-checking for things that might be wrong.

To me, confidence is knowing what you can (and can't) do, and being real, rather than arrogant. Instead I run across cocksure arrogant "confident" people, who get exactly what they want, because people think realizing some things are "maybe" answers rather than definite "yes" or "no", means you're unsure. I hate that all the skills I have are basically wasted, since hiring processes are so heavily based on the personal interview.

For me, any time I have had confidence, it has always come natural. I think for those with confidence, it also comes natural. Maybe there are some people who could refute me, but, I think you are who you are.

They don't call it liquid courage for nothing. I think the use of mind altering drugs (illegal or legal) can drastically change a persons personality. I say if something helps, then keep using it.

When I was in highschool, I discovered drinking a caffinated soda pop in the morning would make me a lot more social and confident through out the day. I didn't keep up with that for too long for some reason, must have not been that important, but...

I think if you are naturally a shy, fearful, think headed, low self esteem type of person, that is who you are. Many people look down on things such as alcohol and or opiate dependence, but how is that any different than SSRI dependence? As far as I can tell the only difference is in the mind of the person casting judgement.

Unfortunately opiates are no longer an acceptable psychiatric treatment option, however, I suppose my point is that, there are ways to help one get out of their shell and it's up to us to decide what level of dependence we are comfortable with and when it is becoming a detriment as opposed to a benefit.

Other than that, I've found, the best thing a person can do is just accept who they are. In doing so I think it frees you up a bit. I think you can work towards stepping out of your comfort zone, and realizations and awakenings are possible. People can change, it's just that they rarely do or can't.

I think if you are not a confident person and want to be, though, you better be prepaid for the hardest work of your life. You really have to go face to face with every single ******* little moment in which you would normally just cowar and avoid something.

You have to talk to the girl/guy you are afraid of and be willing to make a complete ass of yourself AND get rejected. You have to stand up to that person. You have to stand up for yourself. You have to say no, mean it, and not feel bad about it... The list goes on and ******* on. I have made small attempts myself, but over and over I find I give up after a short while. Most of the successes gained just lead to even harder to deal with situations that became the same old failures all over again.

That's my experience. If I want to be confident I can take an opiate, it's much easier and highly affective. However confidence just isn't important enough for me to work that hard for it, I guess. I'm just not that interesting of a person any way. I don't have too much to say. I mostly just think a lot.

Chikid said:

I have all the confidence in the world in myself with anything except women. I mean I've had job interviews with no nerves and wowed my current employer. I have a 3.9 GPA in engineering courses so I consider myself to be rather successful. I've won numerous awards for academics but when it comes to women, I struggle with even small talk. How do I carry this confidence over to my social life?

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Talking to women is no different than talking to guys (only the subject matter may change). Accentuate your positive attributes (if you're good at engineering, brag - don't be an *******, but show yourself in your best light).

I've mentioned this in other threads, but the fact that you're an engineer makes me think that you probably overthink (over-analyze) things, and once you start thinking about things you start thinking about all the things that can go wrong. I don't know you, but I'm willing to bet you have this problem. Stop overthinking - if you're worried about having nothing to talk about, start asking her questions. If you are really stuck, tell a funny story or anecdote.

For me the biggest difference between people who seem "confident" and people who don't seems to be how comfortable they are with themselves. People who lack confidence tend to be more anxious and worried about how people might be seeing them, which tends to cause the exact things they're trying to avoid (nervousness, awkwardness, etc.) People who seem more confident, by worrying less about how people see them, are able to act more "naturally" and "be themselves" more, which tends to make a better impression on people. Of course, everyone needs some basic social skills or whatever, but once you've learned those, I think it's usually more a matter of getting out of your own way and letting the "real you" come out. If you want advice on social skills, etc., here's a site that I thought was helpful (it's free):

http://www.succeedsocially.com/