unlovable, ugly, so depressed

Don't know what else to say... feel like I don't even have the energy to explain myself and have no one to turn to. I've now had to resort to writing a kind of diary to try and exorcise my demons because there's no one to talk to, so maybe I'll just post some of that.

Thought I might search around some forums to see if anyone has any words of good advice... useful stuff rather than patronising lies like 'it will all be ok in the end' or 'you're not ugly, everyone is beautiful, just have confidence' /sigh and ugh - it doesn't take a genius to see that statements like that don't hold up to any critical probing ;-(

Apologies for how long, pretentiously worded, cringe-makingly self-pitying and dull this is... you probably only need to pick a paragraph to get the gist - I never wrote it with the intention of sharing it, but it saves me re-living it all by explaining everything again...

---

Why do I have to hate myself so much that I feel this constant pain in my gut and throat whenever I’m left alone with my thoughts? Why do I have to cover it up because I’m so ashamed to be so miserable? Why am I now so alone that the only recourse I have for cathartic relief is a silent soliloquy to myself? Is there really no hope for me, and should I just swig the proverbial hemlock (more likely heroin), or would that just be the last in a long line of bad decisions that made up the nightmare of my life? What am I to do when I can’t endure, but I fear missing the possibility of being wrong and someday finding happiness? I feel like a coward trapped between a foolish and hopeless dream and the terrifying reality that I will never know love or happiness, no matter how much I choose to resist and deny that fate.

Is it really just because I’m ugly and disturbingly young and frail looking that no woman can bear to look at me, or has my ugliness manifested in character and action, as my loneliness and sadness have deepened and twisted my soul dry. I suppose I know that to be true if I’m honest, as I sit here and feel nothing but anger, envy and pain at the sounds of my [now alien and distant] friend Louis laughing and joking in the next room, enjoying the one thing that makes life worth living and the one thing I have never and will never know… what it is to feel your desire reciprocated by another, and to feel that you will share with them every challenge and moment of life, proud and pleased with the partner standing beside you.

It’s not his fault, I’ve felt like this for 20 years whether I’m on my own, or with beautiful and happy people. I’m such a horrible person to be made so unhappy and resentful because of his happiness. It feels so hard now though because we’re so isolated, living in the middle of nowhere with no people, towns or cities nearby.

With every giggle and lip-smack I hear I feel my heart sink further into my gut and tears well up in my eyes, never released, but a permanent glaze of misery held to contrast their joy, like the ying to their yang, the price paid by the balance of nature’s scales. I know that I cannot go on feeling like this, nor can I talk to either of them about it, but I also can’t reprimand him, or ask him to stop enjoying his life. I can’t blame him for not wanting to include me and leaving me on my own. I’m a miserable, sad and lonely boy, why would he want me to taint the precious days he has with his love? He dislikes me now anyway, I’m sure of it. I’m sure he feels trapped, resentful of my privilege and beholden to my whims. No matter how much I’ve tried to reassure him or show generosity, I don’t think I’ve ever succeeded. If only I could swap my assets for his, I would in a heartbeat. He’s an orphan with nothing but good looks, yet for those I would trade every bit of education, charisma, wealth and even family.

So now the two of us are trapped in the middle of nowhere. Living the dream, every advantage, a beautiful life all-in-all. Yet for me it is hell... a misery of solitude that only one person can wake me from, a loving woman who I know will never come. And so I wait, distracting myself with a large daily dose of weed to numb my agony and gambling to distract my mind. Gambling, drugs, animals, cooking and gardening are all I have until I summon up the courage to live without love, or to die from its absence.

I do admit that I feel some animosity towards Louis for not really caring and for not trying, for leaving me in pain and knowing how I feel about myself, yet never considering what it must be like for me to be trapped in my room for two days in every week, listening to the sounds of two beautiful people laughing and loving, giving their lives meaning, while I sit alone and dwell on all the many things that are wrong with me, and that make me so worthless. I have done a lot, given a lot and changed a lot for him; if it were me I’d like to think I would be more thoughtful and considerate, but then I’m not known for those qualities, so maybe I’m just kidding myself. Besides, I wouldn’t do it if I didn’t really like the person any more, and I can’t blame him for feeling like that about me now he’s known me for a few years, everyone does eventually.

I cannot forget or ignore that I will never have a family, or loved ones, no partner to share the burden, no memories even of loves lost or dreams realised to sustain me through life’s ordeal. Instead all I can ever think about is that I will die as the boy who was bullied at school, rejected by the opposite sex, and then driven mad and torn apart by isolation, loneliness, self-pity and self-loathing.

Is it any wonder that a boy who feels like this would be in pain sitting in his room on his own, a martyr to his loneliness? Is it any wonder that he would want it to stop? Am I really so crazy for thinking about killing myself? How can it all be in my head when life has shown me the same story every time I’ve asked the right question? I wish I could just ask both of them to leave, to never see me again, so I can expire here on my own, sooner rather than later. The pain is much less severe when I don’t have this reminder shoved under my nose. What can I do? I can’t go back on my word and ask Louis to leave after giving up our jobs in London to live this green and sustainable life. I also don’t really want him to leave and me to live in a country where I know no one and have no friends or family. I can’t expect things to change, or for me to feel differently though, so something has to give. I know that more and more he will start to plan his life with Rhiannon and his escape from here, so why delay it? Perhaps I should just sell it all and give him a small share to start his new life? It would be liberating to spend a year or two travelling and finding worthy and worthwhile people who are disadvantaged to give the rest to. Once gone I could face my end like a man fortunate enough to know the time of his own death and with opportunity to do good first, then die assured that life wasn’t completely meaningless and the impact, in the end, was positive.

I think late thirties would be a long life when you consider how exhausting it is and how slowly time goes when you endure so much pain for all 365 days of every one of those last 20 years at least. I’m 34 now, so I think I’ll give myself 18 months to decide if it’s the right thing to do and then make a real decision that I’ll stick to.

I don’t think I really want to die… in fact I know I don’t, I just want to be happy and not to suffer. I guess I just think about suicide so much because deep down I feel like I want someone to help me in a serious and concerted way, but I don’t feel like anyone would bother doing that unless they realised that my pain was so intolerable that I was going to kill myself. Then out of guilt alone they would have to try really hard to help me, to avoid having my death weigh on their conscience. How pathetic eh? So unlovable that I feel I have to find ways to make people pretend to care and to coax help from people who’d sooner get on with their own lives and leave me to my nightmare. In the end though I know I couldn’t cope with the shame of a failed suicide attempt, so it’s best not to try because I’ll probably end up doing it right if I get that far and I still fear the finality of that decision enough to stop myself for now.

I just wonder what it’s like to feel the tender touch of a woman who loves and cares for you… fingers through hair, gentle kisses on stomachs and long and tight embraces. I wonder what it feels like to have hands grasping desperate with desire at your flesh. I don’t want to die yet… I want to know that stuff from experience and have a reason to live and something that makes it worthwhile. But what's the point in carrying on when you know it is a physically impossibility for any woman to find you attractive, and the best you can hope for is another ugly person who's willing to settle for you.

I wonder how other really ugly people cope with the stupid, arrogant, dismissive remarks like ‘your time will come’ and ‘everyone finds their love eventually’, ‘no one is too ugly for love’ – fek you! I am too ugly to be loved by any one special enough for me to love them back! The last 20 years have proved everyone wrong who told me in my teens and twenties that true love was around the corner. It isn’t! Of course, the comment about being too ugly for someone I could love reveals another unpleasant thing about me; I hate myself because I’m shallow and do think looks are important up to a point. I’m not saying I need a model or anything, but I would not be happy waking up every day next to a woman I didn’t find physically attractive. You can be ugly and a beautiful person, but if you’re ugly then people only want to be your friend and no one will ever fancy you, even if they settle for you. I think everyone feels like that, don’t they? No woman has ever imagined their wedding day with a pathetic little twerp like me in the photo, nor would or should any amazing and incredible woman settle for such a person. That does leave me in a tricky situation though because life isn’t a fairy-tale and I’m the one that has to endure daily agnoy. My great aunt lived to over 100 without ever having a relationship or falling in love… many humans and animals from every species are just genetic dead ends, so my misery and suffering are nothing unique or special I suppose… just another miserable being cursed with undesirability and rejected by his species, a freak and too far from normal be considered by any mate.

Beauty is skin deep, but people only see with their eyes and feel with their hands, so the outside is important. Women see men they find attractive and then they judge their characters, they do not see the men they do not find attractive – as they so often say ‘not in that way’. No woman has ever looked at me in that way no matter how nice or kind or sweet I’ve been. If they find I’m really nice they want to be my friend, but they never fancy me, nor could I blame them for that, they would have to be deranged to find me attractive.

Self-pity is so wet isn't it... this is why I can't talk to any friend or family member about this stuff (apart from the fact they are hundreds of miles away and don't really care)... I read back over it and just think 'god you sound like a whinging little prik'

OK so we'll dispatch with the patronizing and cut to the chase, so what are you looking for in response?

You give your diary a certain poetic licence; I notice this running through the text

"and should I just swig the proverbial hemlock "
"a martyr to his loneliness"

So in a sense there is a certain wallowing in your misery. Hopefully even you'll acknowledge that I think you even say so in your writing. So in that respect we'll just sweep all that away as done during a moment of pity and look at your options.

Firstly the amount of times I have heard people say they are ugly or repulsive and then seen a picture of them and seen they are fine is too many to count. Self image is a funny thing, it can lead a girl who is grossly under weight to look at herself and think she is fat. Remember that, no matter how much you think you are being objective you can never truly asses your attractiveness. Its not just a case of staring forlornly in a mirror, its how that face comes alive when you are out and not so self aware. Its as much what comes out of your mouth, your actions, your ability to convey to someone you like that you are attracted to them, not just being a nice guy. How you dress, your world views, your sense of humour, your sense of honour morals and ethics, your selflessness, your confidence, your ability to stand up for what you believe in, your consistency your generosity, etc etc etc. Add as many as you like. Put all that together and then let all that filter through the hopes, desires, expectations of a girl and what you are left with is something far too abstract to ever assume you can predict.... this is your attractiveness to someone else.

So enough with the looks, 50% of the issue will be your negative self image 50% can be remedied with exercise, good hygiene, grooming and clean fashionable acceptable choice in clothes. It might take some work in the gym but if feeling suicidal doesn't get your arse out of bed to change something nothing will. Also speak to your friend and his partner for advice, because regards clothes and hairstyle women can be a very good source of advice on what is a good look. Reach out to them for help by showing them you are determined to make a change. After all of the above the rest is left to chance.

Next: Nice person = good potential friend, so a potential boyfriend requires some effort on your part to convey more than that. So how many girls have you asked out on a date in your life? Or are you waiting on a girl to ask you out?

Next: You're judging woman on face value just as you wish not to be judged. Of course there has to be attraction there, but some of those girls you are overlooking as not being immediately attracted to, you should think again about and get to know. If you establish a connection you'll be surprised at how you can start to view them differently. It comes back to what I was saying about attractiveness being about the whole package. Trust me, give a girl a chance who at first glance you don't view as a potential partner, get to know her, what makes her tick..open your mind a little if you start to get on, you'll be surprised how you start to view her differently, if you fall in love you'll think she is the most beautiful girl in the world and consider yourself insane for not seeing it straight away. Isn't that all you ask of a woman, to give you a chance? Why judge others by the same standards you think you're judged by?

Or alternatively, set the fences high, consider yourself unlovable and chase the unattainable and be forever envious of your friend.

Sorry to be blunt I'm just trying to be practical

Some really good advice there, thank you for trying.

Yes I wrote it in a very low and self-pitying mood, but I write a bit in my spare time so I often slip into more dramatic tones when I feel like that.

Sadly, my self-image isn't the typical BDD distortion. I really am a freak. I am 34 but don't look a day over 18. This is the problem and the reason I'm so unattractive. I have literally not met one person since I hit 25 who heard my age and didn't gasp, or run off to tell all their friends... people litarally scream with dibelief when they hear it. I have extremely good personal hygeine and I wear nice, fashionable clothes. I am also slim, tanned and toned, just short and thin framed. I am also very social, charismatic and have high confidence around other people - I was a community manager for 6 years because I'm quite good with people and likable... at first.

Lots of women have told me they thought I was great and they wish they could fancy me and could meet someone like me... just not me.

Sadly, as when I was 18 and looked 12, now I'm 34 and look 18 - no woman will ever want to be next to a little boy (no I dont have a particularly small willy, but no girl ever gets to find that out either lol). I still can't even grow the beginnings of a beard.

RE dropping my standards... I only mean that really 'ugly' is no no and I would never be able to see past it in the sense that I would want to sleep with them every day for the rest of my life... I have no problem with average or a bit below average, I also have no problem with a girl being a bit chubby, or having a big nose etc. With all due respect I am 34 and have known a fair few women and had a few female friends. My problem is that the moment I do find her even slightly attractive it makes me feel disgusting and like I need to leave the room as quickly as possible... so no, Ive never asked a woman out before because I can sense how uncomfortable I make them when I get even the tiniest bit flirty because they are scared about leading me on when they know they could never fancy me.

Ha I knew it, honestly mate you look fine, you look fresh faced sure but not ugly at all, not even close. You're right you already look clean, fresh well dressed. If I had to guess you are probably judging yourself against your friends too as that guy in the foreground is ripped but you can't define yourself on that basis, it’s not a contest.

Look I'm 36, I've never looked my age, there is a thread on here somewhere about how old people think they are and almost everyone gets mistaken for being older. I posted a picture of me in the faces thread a few hours ago actually, I don't know what 36 should look like anymore. I couldn't grow a beard if you paid me either, I get ribbed about it by friends, I also used to get ribbed by the fact my ex was 10 years younger than me but they were still quite happy to chat to her friends when they came out!

People used to say the age difference didn't seem an issue as I'm quite young at heart and we looked the same age more or less. Maybe a younger gf around 25 would make you feel more comfortable, even a girlish looking 25 year old if needs be.

I used to be really conscious about being skinny never wore short sleeves etc, I tried the gym but in the end I just accepted it. Its not an issue now I actually like being slim, but all that changed was I just dropped the hang-ups and became happy in myself, I don't look any different save for a thinning hairline but I've not bothered anymore.

So really don't underestimate what’s all in your mind, you just can't see it. All you have is your mindset and you are convinced you are not attractive so in a way it’s impossible to make you see that’s not the case, you see what you see, it’s just an illusion. It’s like trying to tell someone who is in a 2d world that the world is in 3d but they just can't see it. I think you just have to take a leap of faith and accept that you have a self image issue and as for guessing what is going on in girls' minds and becoming attracted to someone and running out the room...again seriously, a lot of this is all in your head. I guarantee the only thing making a girl feel uncomfortable will be you starting to feel uncomfortable in yourself, but she is probably fine and wondering where you've run off to!

I would put my house on there being plenty of girls open to dating you, I know this sounds like hippy bullshit but you just have to free your mind up a bit and believe in something you just can't see for yourself. You're not ugly!

The Good Citizen said:

Ha I knew it, honestly mate you look fine, you look fresh faced sure but not ugly at all, not even close. You're right you already look clean, fresh well dressed. If I had to guess you are probably judging yourself against your friends too as that guy in the foreground is ripped but you can't define yourself on that basis, it’s not a contest.

Look I'm 36, I've never looked my age, there is a thread on here somewhere about how old people think they are and almost everyone gets mistaken for being older. I posted a picture of me in the faces thread a few hours ago actually, I don't know what 36 should look like anymore. I couldn't grow a beard if you paid me either, I get ribbed about it by friends, I also used to get ribbed by the fact my ex was 10 years younger than me but they were still quite happy to chat to her friends when they came out!

People used to say the age difference didn't seem an issue as I'm quite young at heart and we looked the same age more or less. Maybe a younger gf around 25 would make you feel more comfortable, even a girlish looking 25 year old if needs be.

I used to be really conscious about being skinny never wore short sleeves etc, I tried the gym but in the end I just accepted it. Its not an issue now I actually like being slim, but all that changed was I just dropped the hang-ups and became happy in myself, I don't look any different save for a thinning hairline but I've not bothered anymore.

So really don't underestimate what’s all in your mind, you just can't see it. All you have is your mindset and you are convinced you are not attractive so in a way it’s impossible to make you see that’s not the case, you see what you see, it’s just an illusion. It’s like trying to tell someone who is in a 2d world that the world is in 3d but they just can't see it. I think you just have to take a leap of faith and accept that you have a self image issue and as for guessing what is going on in girl’s minds and becoming attracted to someone and running out the room...seriously a lot of this is all your head. I guarantee the only thing making a girl feel uncomfortable will be you starting to feel uncomfortable in yourself, but she is probably fine and wondering where you've run off to!

I would put my house on their being plenty of girls open to dating you, I know this sounds like hippy bullshit but you just have to free your mind up a bit and believe in something you just can't see for yourself. You're not ugly!

Click to expand...

I wish that were true of my situation, thank you again for trying. You would lose your house, I guarantee i! You can't compare our situations really... I doubt there are even half a dozen people on the planet as freakishly young looking as me. I'm 34 and have tried dating an 18 year old, after two dates she told me I was an amazing guy, but she just couldn't "make herself feel anything physical for me". I have been told many hundreds of times that I am prety unattractive and although I wish I waere a flat-lander unable to see the truth, the painful reality is that I'm upset because I can see the truth... I feel like convincing myself I'm ok looking is like stepping back into the drawing, not looking out.

"I guarantee the only thing making a girl feel uncomfortable will be you starting to feel uncomfortable in yourself, but she is probably fine and wondering where you've run off to!" What so no women ever feel unfortable when a little, skinny, ugly, freak starts talking to them because they are scared he is coming on to them? Don't be too quick with those guarantees... I know what I know because experience has taught it to me, not because of a fantasy nightmare I wanted to live in.

Sadly, I really do have no hope and no amount of rationalisation can take this wrenching pain away, so my options are limited. The problem is not just in my head, saying that when I have just spent 8 weeks away travelling and had hundreds of new people tell me how weird I look discredits the argument (those pics are from less than 2 weeks ago).

Thanks for trying dude and I'm glad you are in a better place now.

Take care of yourselves and each other folks

...??????
I don't see anything unusual about anyone in either of those pictures. I don't even know which one is supposed to be you based on how you describe yourself vs. who I actually see in the pictures.

Not everyone we meet will be physically attracted to us, but there are certainly plenty of women who like younger looking guys. I think maybe your issues concerning your appearance might need to be discussed with a therapist.

I thought I was in a bad way....lol

I know at this point no woman would date me, so I'm doing something about it.

I've lost over 100 lbs, have started working out, hiking, doing nature and stellar photography, and just getting out more. I still have non-generalized SA when it comes to meeting women, but I'm hoping as I begin to like myself better that will start to resolve itself.

You can't wallow in self pity. You have to take charge of your life and make things happen. Yea, sometimes I get sad sitting at home on the weekends alone, or wanting to have a date to go with to do something. And Christmas alone is going to be a *****. But I shake it off and realize that once I get back in shape I'll be a hell of a catch for some woman. I have a residence and a vacation home, make a great living, intelligent, etc.

Barbaloot said:

...??????
I don't see anything unusual about anyone in either of those pictures. I don't even know which one is supposed to be you based on how you describe yourself vs. who I actually see in the pictures.

Not everyone we meet will be physically attracted to us, but there are certainly plenty of women who like younger looking guys. I think maybe your issues concerning your appearance might need to be discussed with a therapist.

Click to expand...

This^^

I have to agree, I know your stance and that you've made your mind up. I don't expect you to see what others can (which is a decent looking guy) but maybe you can accept that others genuinely do. Myself and Barbaloot have both said the same, so either 1. We are lying, 2. Just being nice or 3. you're incapable of seeing what others can and need to discuss it with someone more qualified to help you believe in yourself a bit more.

Just so you know, we never lie and we're rarely nice.

---

LonelyInAtl said:

I've lost over 100 lbs, have started working out, hiking, doing nature and stellar photography, and just getting out more. I still have non-generalized SA when it comes to meeting women, but I'm hoping as I begin to like myself better that will start to resolve itself.

Click to expand...

You're riding the crest of a wave a bit at the moment LIA, I think others could draw a bit of inspiraton from what you're achieving. All credit to you.

You forgot the 4th option, those pics don't really show how ugly I am... I'm ugly in real life and in 90% of pics, but the 10% where I don't look as hideous are the only 10% that survive.

I also think the natural, decent human thing to do is tell white lies when consoling someone because you have no option if you're trying to make them feel better, but from those photos I can see why you'd say I wasn't ugly. You should see me in profile or real life.

WD@ the positive approach and weight loss B. I'm sure you're right and any woman would be lucky to have you, I'm also sure no woman could feel proud standing next to me no matter how I try to change myself. I wish I had weight to lose, muscle to add, or clothes to fix. Sadly, there's no positive action I can take apart from a shrink or plastic surgery and testosterone injections, and now I don't work I couldn't afford that kind of help, so I've got myself in a bit of a pickle. I also can't meet any new women as I live in the middle of nowhere where the average age is about 60 and it's many hours drive to the nearest city.

---

sorry guys, I just felt like I needed someone to vent at... thank you for listening and offering your advice.

you've all got your own worries so I'll leave you in peace now, there's nothing anyone can say to change things really.

don't worry, i'm still too much of a coward to kill myself, so goodbye isn't some dramatic departure with a bottle of pills in my hand; i've just lost the will to try or talk for now.

bye

[edit, pics deleted for privacy reasons]

Join a weight gain forum, I'm like you I will never have massive muscles but I don't really want them, they wouldn't look right on my frame but anyone can bulk up to some extent. You're toned sure but a bit of mass is what you're after, just all over. There will be loads and loads of forums on the net with advice on this, join one get to know some guys who have a similar story and listen to what they recommend, diet wise and training wise. Draw on them for inspiration and get it done, say in a year from now I'm going to be a new person and just get on with it. You do need to drop the obsession with your looks though, don't ever go chasing perfection its a complete waste of time.

The Good Citizen said:

This^^

I have to agree, I know your stance and that you've made your mind up. I don't expect you to see what others can (which is a decent looking guy) but maybe you can accept that others genuinely do. Myself and Barbaloot have both said the same, so either 1. We are lying, 2. Just being nice or 3. you're incapable of seeing what others can and need to discuss it with someone more qualified to help you believe in yourself a bit more.

Just so you know, we never lie and we're rarely nice.

Click to expand...

I agree with TGC and Barbaloot, you look fine!
There are so many factors which play into whether we find someone attractive, and looks are only the first and most obvious one. I honestly can't imagine people telling you you look weird, because from what I see, you just don't. Maybe it's rather about confidence. It's annoying but true, if you don't like yourself, others will notice somehow.

I swear that you aren't ugly or anything of the sort. From the way you look in the photos (I saw them earlier and even if they are, as you say, not reflecting what you actually look like), it's technically impossible for you to be ugly. I'm pretty sure this is all in your head and I do hope your perception will change someday.

The Good Citizen said:

Join a weight gain forum, I'm like you I will never have massive muscles but I don't really want them, they wouldn't look right on my frame but anyone can bulk up to some extent. You're toned sure but a bit of mass is what you're after, just all over. There will be loads and loads of forums on the net with advice on this, join one get to know some guys who have a similar story and listen to what they recommend, diet wise and training wise. Draw on them for inspiration and get it done, say in a year from now I'm going to be a new person and just get on with it. You do need to drop the obsession with your looks though, don't ever go chasing perfection its a complete waste of time.

Click to expand...

It's not just my looks... I'm not a worthwhile human being either... I'm insecure and pathetic, incapable of loving or being attractive in any way, selfish and wallowing in self-pity instead of getting out there and just devoting my life to others. I don't think it would matter how bulky I got; I tried it when I was 25 and after 6 months of 2 hour daily high weight gym sessions, with protein drinks 3 times a day, I had put on 1/4 stone and you couldnt see any differnece with my shirt on. I didn't get laid again until 4 years later. I don't want to be that guy anyway... bulking up to look good seems to be giving in to the truth of looks being what matters - hypocrite running in circles... I'm also often not very bright, despite having a good education. I just fekin hate everything about myself so much. I really think I am too broken. Even if it's true that it is possible I could meet a girl who found me attractive, I'm now just a bitter, immature, tw@t, s there's no way she'd be able to fall for me. It's all just too big to fix or deal with and it has festered and developed for too long. I can't see any light at the end of it any more.... even though I used to deceive myself that things would change and I was just a late bloomer, I feel like time has proved me wrong and now I'm looking at the home stretch of life and it looks as horrible as the road behind me, which left me a shell of a person and desperately miserable whenever I'm not distracted.

What advice did you seek when you joined the forum, or what did you imagine someone could say? Serious question, what are your motives for joining here and opening up? If it was just to get things off your chest thats fine as really you don't seem too open to advice at the moment regardless of what anyone says, (because what can people really say, theres no magic wand). One thing, you're 34 now so your body metabolism will have slowed and you'll be more open to weight gain than when you last tried, another, speak to a doctor not just about the weight gain but where its left you feeling, you may need some help to get through all this just pour it all out, it can't hurt to make them aware.

If anything I'd say now you're pretty closed off to making any changes and perhaps just pissed off with the well meaning advice! Maybe nows not the time to consider it, maybe just get out go for a run or a swim and let off some steam and then come back to this thread when you are feeling a bit more up beat and open to change. Quite often people come on here at their darkest hour and when words of advice are received they're not in the best place to receive it. So maybe give it a couple of days and revisit and then give it some consideration.

Beyond that I'm all out of advice but I'll say one thing... you live in Wales, the greatest country in the world!

Anyway good luck.

I think you should see a Doctor as well, or a Therapist.

ty dude, you're right.

i can't accept any of this advice and have heard it all before... if there is truth in it that applies to me then I'm not in the right place to see it, so time is the best advice of the night.

ty again for listening... I just joined to vent, but didn't expect such nice and intelligent advice from people.

take care

---

Lilianna said:

I think you should see a Doctor as well, or a Therapist.

Click to expand...

can't afford therapy, not even been registered with a doctor since I was 18 and have no insurance - but i agree, in an ideal world I'd go to a professional and I do feel I need to talk to someone - prob part of the reason I went looking for a forum.

Jabba said:

ty dude, you're right.

i can't accept any of this advice and have heard it all before... if there is truth in it that applies to me then I'm not in the right place to see it, so time is the best advice of the night.

ty again for listening... I just joined to vent, but didn't expect such nice and intelligent advice from people.

take care

---

Lilianna said:

I think you should see a Doctor as well, or a Therapist.

Click to expand...

can't afford therapy, not even been registered with a doctor since I was 18 and have no insurance - but i agree, in an ideal world I'd go to a professional and I do feel I need to talk to someone - prob part of the reason I went looking for a forum.

Click to expand...

---

Well if you register with a doctor you could well get a referral if you mention this has pushed you to the point of suicidal thoughts, they have a duty of care to take it seriously. From there you could get funding on our wonderful NHS

But no problem, come back sometime!

Hi,
Welcome to the forum!
Bleak as it is, your original post is very elegant. I always get inspired to be a better writer when I read good writing.
I haven't seen your pic but don't particularly care to because your problems go much deeper than looks, so that's a red herring as far as I can tell.
I don't have any advice at the moment except for my signature and to say that when you are ready, the answers to your problems will come.

Stick around & tell us more about yourself

Teresa

SofiasMami said:

Hi,
Welcome to the forum!
Bleak as it is, your original post is very elegant. I always get inspired to be a better writer when I read good writing.
I haven't seen your pic but don't particularly care to because your problems go much deeper than looks, so that's a red herring as far as I can tell.
I don't have any advice at the moment except for my signature and to say that when you are ready, the answers to your problems will come.

Stick around & tell us more about yourself

Teresa

Click to expand...

Hi Teresa, thanks for kind words x

Another pretty bleak day... such a ray of sunshine eh? Sorry... i do have good moods occasionally too, they are just fewer and further between these days.

My issues go deeper than my looks, but they are mostly because of my looks and the effect they had on my character, and what people said to me about them when I was growing up... and to this day. It's turned me into a bit of a bitter, self-pitying, twerp tbh.

I agree that I'm not so distorted that most people would instantly choose the adjective 'ugly' to describe me; they'd be more likely to say 'a bit odd' and in fact countless people have told me I look odd... however, I am so child-like that it would be impossible for any woman to fancy me. A pre-requisite for physical attraction is for a man to have some manly qualities. Even a really ugly, skinny dude might look rugged or manly with designer stubble or just by virtue of his height. Almost every person I've ever met had some fallback feature to redeem their ability to attract the opposite sex. I can't think of many blokes who don't have some rugged quality that would enable a woman to feel 'physically' arounsed when looking at them fully clothed (even big hands, or sturdy legs can do it when the rest fails). Of the ones I can think of, all are either single or gay. I think it' might even be because of this broad and 'almost' unanimous truth that we have these fairy tales about there being "someone for everyone" and that "no one is too unattractive to be loved".

Character plays a big role in love (almost none in physical attraction in my view), but it doesn't matter how amazing a girl is, if she were 20 stone, with huge features , 14 chins and eyes too far apart I could never fancy her... even if I could love her for who she was. Show me one woman like that who's in a relationship with an intelligent, decent and even moderately attactive/average looking person??? The only ones I've seen on TV are with other ugly, retarded and weird freaks... like me.

It's the same for me... only because it isn't obvious that I'm so unattractive no one really cares or takes me seriously when I say it because they think I'm just a bit below the ugly line (it's not until you start thinking about what women like and what different women say they find attractive about different men until it starts to become clear how impossible it would be for any woman to want to be more than friends with me).

What's that old saying, a woman has decided whether she wants to sleep with you within 10 seconds of meeting you - no woman needs more than one second to scan her eyes to the next dude with me sadly.

I wrote Louis an email to make him aware of how I felt - couldn't face talking to him. I was as nice as I could be, said I knew it was all unreasonable and I was a horrible person for not just being able to be happy for him... all I asked was for him to be aware that I was profoundly sad and jealous of him, so any way he could avoid making it worse would be appreciated. I also told him I was too ashamed to discuss it, so we haven't talked about it at all, but he has said he's going to her for Xmas, so that's another xmas all alone for me (this will be my 7th iout of the last 6 now, and last year it was just me and him /boo hoo for me). I also told him I'd try and get some psychiatric help... I guess I'll have to sign up to the GP - prob for the best, I've got honeysuckle loads of issues that I've never had officially diagnosed or treated and I'd love to ask a doctor - psoriasis appeared when I was 18, but the internet said no cure so I never went, then vitiligo when I was 28 (dalmation dappled cock), but that's also not dangerous or treatable, so I didn't bother then either. It would be interesting to see what they say about them... from what I've read recently it sounds like vitiligo is an auto-immune disorder where the immune system starts attacking your own pigment cells, apparantly many auto immune disorders are brought on by serious depression. I feel kinda like I hate myself so much my body has started attacking itself to deform me even more.

Phew, ok another self-pitying rant almost over.

I drove the car out to a field and just bawled my eyes out like a little girl for a few hours this afternoon. I often have watery eyes and a lump in my throat/chest, but I haven't cried properly like that for a very long time... it felt kinda good afterwards; even if I kept pushing myself further by catching my reflection in the mirror.

I'm really looking forward to seeing a shrink if they refer me. I know I'm right that I'm unfanciable, but I hope he can make me feel better about it and less focussd on the idea of what I'll miss out on in life and more on the wonderful fortunate things that have happened to me. I really have no right to be this sad considering how lucky I am in so many other ways, and obviously with 7 billion people on the planet many millions will live their lives never knowing love. I'm really not looking forward to the upcoming three most depressing days of the year though, blurgh.

Fek you santa and fek you winter too!



Thanks for reading - gee you must have been bored to read it all, you need to get out more /chuckle

Lol! Yes it's true I need to get out more often but I actually don't mind my introverted self
I'm perplexed about your ruminating about ugly, attractiveness, etc. Since I don't know what you look like, all that talk just goes over my head. But that's the beauty of the internet. When you find people respond in a positive way to what you say, regardless of how you look, you'll find that you're not so bad after all.
I can see that you truly believe all these distorted viewpoints of yourself as fact...but everything you've said is purely subjective.
What else can you tell us about yourself? I'm guessing you're not close with your family-
What do you like to do in your spare time?

As for the saying that a woman decides within 10 seconds of meeting you whether she wants to sleep with you lol! Come on - I'm pretty sure that was made up by a man and more closely reflects mens' point of view. I have some ovaries & a few boobs and it ain't true lol

Teresa

As they say beauty is in the "I" of the "Behold her." It's one thing to deviate from the norm of what is considered to be the grade A model, and it's quite a bit harder to avoid the extra damage caused by self sabotage, but do try.

I for example am a dude, with long black hair. Outside of someone who has a metal band, it's really not a very popular look. It's not easy being a man of God when everyone assumes you're a satanist, lol. I'm not even attracted to grade A model types. Sure they are attractive, and sometimes overly thin, but the women I find irresistable are veluptuous BBW with long dark hair. That's just me.

I'm not going to say you shouldn't complain about your lot or offer some piss poor advice. On the contrary, making a post like you did brings release and helps you to work with what you have.

For a man... It seems you aren't grade A material unless you are well hung, athletic, experienced, attractice, nice, and have a good job. That is the only type that is ever sought for in say, places like craigslist, and many dating sites.

In any case welcome to the forum...