interested in someone and I hate it !

Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum

Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:

This site may earn a commission from merchant affiliate links, including eBay, Amazon, and others.

duff

Well-known member
Joined
Nov 25, 2012
Messages
950
Reaction score
1
It's a woman who works in a photography shop. I can't kid myself any longer. Ive been going in to buy frames for the last few weeks. We always chat, have a laugh, she's easy to talk to. I always walk away with a smile on my face and feeling better.

Today I stopped and chatted with her for a longer time. She served other customers while I waited. She talked about xmas and work. She asked me where I work and when I told her, she said her daughter had worked there. It was then I got confused because I remembered her daughter and she was around 34. So I stood with my mouth open because that makes her at least 51 or 52 I guess. I know it was an indirect compliment I was making because there is no way she looks that age. I thought she was my age (44).

Ive found her on facebook and it doesn't say she is married. I know her name. I didn't sent a friend request.

I hate this because my mind wanders and I start to feel I may have a chance or whatever. I don't want to start thinking all sorts about dates or whatever. Everytime I go in, she is talkative, it's not difficult to start a conversation. Today was the first time she asked me questions about myself.
 
Why hate that you can feel attracted to someone? You should probably add her and chat with her.. it makes you feel better anyway. Go without expectations and cherish that friendly connection you have?
 
perfanoff said:
Why hate that you can feel attracted to someone? You should probably add her and chat with her.. it makes you feel better anyway. Go without expectations and cherish that friendly connection you have?

it's because Ive been in this situations dozens of times before. Ive had nearly 30 years of this and all Ive known is rejection, failure and disapointment. Ive messed it up everytime. There hasn't been anything good to think back on to give myself a little bit of confidence.
 
duff said:
Ive had nearly 30 years of this and all Ive known is rejection, failure and disapointment. Ive messed it up everytime.

Bah nothing lasts forever...

363200338_640.jpg
 
duff said:
it's because Ive been in this situations dozens of times before. Ive had nearly 30 years of this and all Ive known is rejection, failure and disapointment. Ive messed it up everytime. There hasn't been anything good to think back on to give myself a little bit of confidence.
Tell me what have you learned from those experiences? Think back to your actions, what made you fail?
 
Interested in someone and hate it? Yea, me too.

Not in 14 or whatever relationships, but 3 or 4, each which I put my heart and soul into trying to make it somehow more than it was (which was largely just a friendship). But they weren't that into me. And I just realized I wasn't that into them.

"Wait...what?" You say. "How can someone devote 12 years of their life on relationships that don't matter?" It's because I wanted them to matter. It wasn't about the person ever, it was just about the idea of being in love. So yes, until I actually can say "this is the person I really want" I'd say any sort of attachment is a burden not a pleasure. Faced with the option of wasting 4 years on another random stranger who expressed some interest in me, but was married/bf/lesbian (wtf, don't approach me if you're taken), or facing the rest of my existence lonely and depressed... loneliness isn't that big a deal.
 
AFrozenSoul said:
duff said:
it's because Ive been in this situations dozens of times before. Ive had nearly 30 years of this and all Ive known is rejection, failure and disapointment. Ive messed it up everytime. There hasn't been anything good to think back on to give myself a little bit of confidence.
Tell me what have you learned from those experiences? Think back to your actions, what made you fail?

I failed because they were never interested. And I spent weeks / months thinking they might be. I don't the way I asked these women out made a slight bit of difference. I don't think there was any women who were interested and I didn't do anything about it. Sometimes I waited a while and the woman started going out with some bloke (usually somebody I knew), sometimes the woman would laugh at me or be cruel to me. Most times it dawned on me that I was wasting my time.

Regarding this woman I wish it had said on her facebook that she was married, then I would know where I stood. I know lots of women, mostly thru work. I like alot of them and I chat to them but I know darn well nothing will happen. I suppose if these feelings develop I will probably go in and ask her for coffee or something. And get knocked back as usual. I know it won't kill me, I can handle rejection alot better these days.
 
You're of an age though now Duff, as you say you have been through this situation many times before and you see this as a negative but in fact its an advantage. Look at it this way, you're capable of meeting women in situations and striking up conversations, you're not some kid who doesn't even know how to start talking to a women, you already have that sorted. What you need to do is ask her, find out and if it doesn't come to anything move on. Its simple, I'd go down the facebook route it must be easier than asking in the shop. Ask and find out, if it doesn't work out, look elsewhere and don't put yourself through weeks of wondering when you've been in this situation many times before.

Don't mess about, this is your life we're talking about and you have to show a little fight to get what you want so don't play your life out in your mind, you can have what you want.

Add her on facebook now, be bold, carry no regrets. Make a joke you can't afford the cost of any more frames just to say hello every day and you'd rather spend your money on a date... or anything really just get it done so you don't have to waste any more time wondering. If it doesn't happen there will be another woman to meet days, weeks from now and eventually as long as you keep being bold and asking someone will want to get to know you, its a horrible phrase but its true, meeting someone is a "numbers game" so don't ever spend too long pondering.

Personally I'd rather be rejected 10 times than have never asked, at least I could look myself in the mirror and know I'm a guy a who could step up and try to get what I wanted in life rather than always being too scared in life to try.
 
The Good Citizen said:
You're of an age though now Duff, as you say you have been through this situation many times before and you see this as a negative but in fact its an advantage. Look at it this way, you're capable of meeting women in situations and striking up conversations, you're not some kid who doesn't even know how to start talking to a women, you already have that sorted. What you need to do is ask her, find out and if it doesn't come to anything move on. Its simple, I'd go down the facebook route it must be easier than asking in the shop. Ask and find out, if it doesn't work out, look elsewhere and don't put yourself through weeks of wondering when you've been in this situation many times before.

Don't mess about, this is your life we're talking about and you have to show a little fight to get what you want so don't play your life out in your mind, you can have what you want.

Add her on facebook now, be bold, carry no regrets. Make a joke you can't afford the cost of any more frames just to say hello every day and you'd rather spend your money on a date... or anything really just get it done so you don't have to waste any more time wondering. If it doesn't happen there will be another woman to meet days, weeks from now and eventually as long as you keep being bold and asking someone will want to get to know you, its a horrible phrase but its true, meeting someone is a "numbers game" so don't ever spend too long pondering.

Personally I'd rather be rejected 10 times than have never asked, at least I could look myself in the mirror and know I'm a guy a who could step up and try to get what I wanted in life rather than always being too scared in life to try.

thanks for your advice.

Your right, years ago I couldn't talk to a woman but now I find it easy. Years of working in retail - I can talk to anyone. So there is no nervous stuttering anymore !

I have used facebook in the past, asked 4 different women out. One even said 'yes' - it is alot easier !

One problem is it looks like she doesn't seem to use her facebook much. I suppose I could 'add' her and mention it when the subject comes up. It might be a bit awkard, she doesn't know my name so I would have to put 'I'm the guy who buys all those frames'

There doesn't seem to be a way of adding her on facebook. I could send a message though !
 
duff said:
Your right, years ago I couldn't talk to a woman but now I find it easy. Years of working in retail - I can talk to anyone. So there is no nervous stuttering anymore !

I wish I had that experience. IT pays really well, but in my specialty I rarely have contact with random people. It's usually customers that I already have a repertoire with from talking to them on the phone.
 
LonelyInAtl said:
duff said:
Your right, years ago I couldn't talk to a woman but now I find it easy. Years of working in retail - I can talk to anyone. So there is no nervous stuttering anymore !

I wish I had that experience. IT pays really well, but in my specialty I rarely have contact with random people. It's usually customers that I already have a repertoire with from talking to them on the phone.

upto the age of 25 I was very quiet and shy. When I got my first job as a cashier I was scared to death !

It was horrible having to serve people and sometimes talk to them. Now I enjoy chatting to people. It's just a skill that I have learned.
 
pretty sure I spotted a ring on her wedding finger so the whole thread was a waste of time.
I'll still go in because I do need the frames. At least I know now. It was a strange couple of days actually thinking I may have a chance with somebody. She's nice so it will stupid not to talk to her when I go in.


it is nice chatting with her though. I enjoy that !
Of course when I meet somebody who I can really talk to, it's easy to get carried away, thinking about dates or whatever.
It's no harm done and everything is okay !
 
duff said:
I failed because they were never interested. And I spent weeks / months thinking they might be. I don't the way I asked these women out made a slight bit of difference. I don't think there was any women who were interested and I didn't do anything about it. Sometimes I waited a while and the woman started going out with some bloke (usually somebody I knew), sometimes the woman would laugh at me or be cruel to me. Most times it dawned on me that I was wasting my time.

Regarding this woman I wish it had said on her facebook that she was married, then I would know where I stood. I know lots of women, mostly thru work. I like alot of them and I chat to them but I know darn well nothing will happen. I suppose if these feelings develop I will probably go in and ask her for coffee or something. And get knocked back as usual. I know it won't kill me, I can handle rejection alot better these days.
Ah... well here is a lesson you could have learned, Act Sooner. I mean what better way to learn where you stand then by acting? What is worse, not knowing for sure or knowing for sure and perhaps raising another individual's self-confidence?

duff said:
pretty sure I spotted a ring on her wedding finger so the whole thread was a waste of time.
Well since you are about 99% sure you will get rejected why not go for it? What is the worst that can happen? You get rejected? Maybe she likes you enough to have an affair with you? What is the best that can happen? You go on a few dates, maybe get laid and have a relationship for a while?
 
I was trying to look at her hands last time I was talking to her. I'm sure I saw a ring on her wedding finger.

I do need the frames and her place is the nearest and cheapest so I will be going in again soon.

She always says that 'see you soon' when I leave. Even if she is married, it's nice to have a friend to talk to I suppose.
 
Uhhh god, stop being a wuss about this and ask her out. Looking for a ring is a dumb idea. Just assume she is single, it is up to her to confirm or deny it. That is not your job.
 
i don't think asking married women for dates is the right thing to do. It's pointless and if you carry on doing it you'll get a reputation.

I prefer to treat people with respect. If I find out thru talking to her that she is indeed single, I will ask her for a coffee.

It's my way of doing things.
 
did some digging on facebook and she has someone called Mike.

Usually the case, oh well, never mind. NEXT !
 
Wow friend, I will say you are an inspiration tome. RReally, I thank you because now I can go out and get better with females. I mean seriously, I see myself in you and I have to say it makes me sick. I mean really, you did everything you possibly could to defeat yourself right from the get go. All you had to do was ask her out. That was all you had to do. Literally, one question and you gave it up.

Why did you give it up. Well when I read your posts. It was your wish that she is married. At first it was just a nagging lie you were telling yourself. The nagging lie that she is married because she has a sexless trophy. Well then that lie spiraled out of control and became your reality. You know the best part of the Web. I can look back at what you said. Guess what, you never confirmed she is married. You were hoping she was married in fact you wanted her to be married so badly that you started hallucinating a wedding ring. You never confirmed that she already had one youjust sspent your time looking for it.

Then you stalked her on Facebook. That is not creepy at all. That was your desire for her to be taken. So incredibly intense was your needto find a rreason for her to not be available that you found a able name. That is all I see a guys name. You see a post that leads you to believe that she is dating or married so you can hate yourself. How do you know this guy is not just someone she just met? In your eyes does one date mean marriage that is not legal? I mean come on, you just had to do one little thing. That thing was to asked her out, and you choose to create your own reality.

Granted what you said about asking out taken females. I can see why you are still single, despite your efforts. You take it upon yourself to figure out if she is single or not. When all you had to do was ask her out. Then during the date put some moves on her and try and seduce her. Guess what, if she is single and looking there will be no rejection. If she is taken guess what she will tell you so and shoot you down. I mean wow, you make it seem like you have to do a background check on the girl before you can date her.

Earlier on I asked what lessons you learned from your past failures. Since you cannot open your mind to see anything but self hatred. Let me learn a lesson for you. That lesson is to ask her out when you get positive reactions. Guess what if all the fears you listed are true, she will tell you. Also drop ths pesky pride or morality. You do not know what her sexual ssituation is. She does, and it is her job to tell you. Let me ask you if you are lied to are you wrong for being deceived? If you believe that you are wrong for following what you think is the truth, then you are screwed. Because that will only lead to self-loathing.

One more thing, you mentioned that past females started dating friends of sorts. That is because you did all the seducing. So all your friends had to do was ask her out. Stop being a wuss and start asking girls out. If you do not do this, you will be alone and miserable. The man downside to being a man, is the fact that we have to be an aggressor when it comes to relationships. Most men will feel no sympathy for you if you just sit around and cry whenever there might be a chance for success. Yes females will coddle you and make you that best bud. However, even they will get annoyed when all you do is tell storieslike tthis one. So quit your desperate struggle to make sure the female in question is taken. If you took even half the effort you put into making sure that there is no reason for you try try into actually trying. Christ you would have a girlfriend and 5 girls trying to be your mistresses. Seriously just take the chance next time. I mean really the only person I can blame for this failure is you and I feel no pity. None, you are a wuss and you got what was coming to you.
 

Latest posts

Back
Top