I'm 35 and so lonely that it hurts - literally

I can't believe that Im 35 and not married, no kids, no friends. I always wanted to be a mother and wife, and I know I would make a good one. But time has really flown by. I didn't even begin dating until 25. I've been in only 2 Long term relationships since then, and the breakups were so bad each time that I took 14 months to "heal" after each breakup. After around 14 months, I began dating again, but none of them lasted more that a few dates. Like I said, time has flown by. I'd like to start dating again, but I've put weight on this year from and men just aren't attracted to me.

I don't have any aunts/uncles/cousins. Just my mom. I dread the day that she passes away, because I will probably die soonafter from total loneliness. She is the only one I talk to on the phone after work, hang with on the weekends etc. Otherwise, my phone does not ring. I've tried making friends, but nobody is interested in befriending me since I'm not part of the Mommy crowd. The town is somewhat small, so I don't have too many options. I could move, but I have a house/mortgage here and I can't leave my mom by herself. There are only 3 meetup groups in this town. I went to one, and it was a flop. I joined a gym recently to lose weight, and I thought I could socialize, too - nope. People go to the gym to workout. I tried volunteering at the Pet shelter - all the other volunteers are twice my age, and there wasn't even much time to socialize with them because it was so busy. Church? No activities happening in my church, other than Mass. Eharmony and Match? tried both, never get a 2nd date.

I have a good job and career. I have a nice home, but I don't enjoy it much because I"m at my mom's most house most days because I get lonely sitting in my house. I have no idea how I'm going to make friends. My neighbor is dying of cancer and age 50. She's single, never married, no kids. But she is HAPPY, even as death approaches, because she is surrounded by friends.

Dear humanity,

I am sorry that you are so lonely, but you are so awesome for not giving up. Keep trying! After a certain point, it does become difficult to socialize because everyone seems to fall into some category or another and it isn't easy to fit in or find like minded people sometimes.

It seems like you're doing everything right though, volunteering and trying the dating sites/meetups. Just keep at it and you never know, you might make some good friends.

In the meantime, perhaps you can adopt a pet or try learning a new skill? A language or art class? Even if you don't meet anyone interesting, you might still feel better having occupied yourself

The forum is a great place to come to when you're really lonely. There's also a chatroom and lots of cool people to PM. Maybe you can try the networking page to see if there are members in your area.

Hope you're having a good weekend.

Hello humanity, I am also sorry that you are so alone. Veruca has made some good suggestions in her response-a class in something you might enjoy, a pet-a dog would get you out for walks and many people are more willing to stop and chat to someone with a dog than they would be to someone alone.
You wrote that you live in a small town. Is there a larger town within travelling distance where you could go to social events now and then? Maybe you could join something at weekends, if so.
Loneliness is hard and painful. It is like a heavy weight on my chest every morning when I wake up. You are doing well by keeping going despite being so lonely and I admire your courage.

humanity,

would you mind posting a picture of yourself. I'd be curious to see what you look like. With all due respect of course.

Hey Humanity.

Loneliness can be a really tough thing. It can feel like a slow death at times, and after a while you can start to not only question your self esteem, but your sanity as well.

It sounds like you are making good steps into trying to resolve your issues. The biggest thing though is to not lose your faith. Believe me, I know, as I have had my faith tested to the maximum this year. And it's hope I keep returning to. Though there are times I feel totally hopeless. But it keeps coming back like the sun from behind the clouds.

There are alot of cool people in this forum, so I hope you mix in with them, and feel more comfortable.

One thing I have been seeing here on this forum is the many people who don't see themselves as attractive or have the attitude of "men or women wouldn't find me attractive.'' Then they post their pictures, and all I see is a bunch of good looking people. In fact, many good looking people here, and more importantly, KIND and GOOD looking people, you can see it in their faces. My point being, don't focus on your physicality. Chances are you're super good looking, and not giving yourself the credit. It's a very common thing that people do.

Don't let loneliness get the best of you. I know its easier said than done, but the bottom line is we are all smart enough to know that loneliness/depression/etc are negative energies and that we're better off without them. Keep the faith

I tried both those sites too and couldn't even get a first date.

You should never try something to meet others or to get dates... this always ends bad. Better try something, because you want to try it. Wanna learn cooking? Go to a cooking class, not to pick up women or get friends... this may happen there, but it may not. But what surely will happen: you will learn to cook. Something thats nice for you and everyone who sooner or later may want to socialize with you.

Same goes for dating: If you get hobbies, are able to share them with others, if you get and hold yourself in shape with some of them, than this can help you a lot to make women more interested in you. Not to mention, that every hobby that can be done in a group can lead to meet new people, who can become friends or even dates, depending on how the chemistry works out.

But online dating... some may already know my experience-based opinion about them, but I don't mind to share it again:
Online dating is the worst of the worst (of bull sh*t)
It's like playing Russian Roulette with a revolver that has a bullet in every chamber... you can only win if one of the bullets isn't working right, or else you are doomed to be toast.
Success stories are either fake or happen once some of the best women decide to finally take one of their options. (The success story of the boss of my mother, she got a partner who earns fifty times her money and has around 2 hours more free time than her every day, which he uses to work out in the gym... or prepare something romantic for her)

Don't let it get the better of you, I'm 36 and am on the opposite side of a similair situation. It's taken me a long time to get over my last gf (who had torn my heart out so many times I could get a self-help book out of it), and I found myself looking up from the bottom of a deep dark hole wondering wtf I was going to do.

If the local meetup groups aren't worth bothering with how about a new hobby, a night class or find something totally out of character you could try out? I always loved learning new things and as a side benefit I'm meeting other humans that don't always turn out to be as dissapointing and lame as I always initially suspect.

It's easy to focus on the negatives, I know I do a lot but there will be something out there that will help turn things around, you just need to find it and don't give up - I gaurentee there are people out there who will think you are awesome and be glad of you in their life... it might not always seem that way but it's true , life just makes it hard to realise that sometimes.

If you ever need to talk any time drop me a pm.

Im 35, never married and no kids Dating around here is like trying to climb a slippery slope and there are few people in my basic age range to begin with Im ok with not really being able to date, my biggest concern is loneliness so this is one way to fight it stuff like local groups dont exist for single people my age since there are few of them All I need is enough to keep me busy and Id be a lot better There wouldnt be that much time to feel the loneliness

Well... first off spend less time with your mom. Unless your mom is in assisted living... well.. you know you are sacrificing potential time to meet others by spending all your time with her.

Next about the gym. Funny thing about regular gym goers. They are all into the working outside of things. You need to be into it as well. The gym is a good place to work on your social skills if you want too. Maybe find a girl or guy who is in really good shape and ask for a spot or ask them what they did to get in such good shape. Another way is to spend a few months and make some improvements. Regulars at the gym take notice. I have been complimented several times on my progress.

Next at the pet shelter. I bet several of those people have kids, nephews, nieces, step kids who are single. Who is to say that if they like you they might not introduce you? Who is to say they do not know some other single people. Who knows right?

As for the meet up group. What is stopping you from starting your own? I mean that is one of the great things about the idea of website is the fact that you can start your own.

Finally about the whole kids thing... to quote Futurama... Sir have you ever considered adoption? Remember adoption is a great way to have a kid without having sex.. Having a family is about love and..uhhh something about raising kids and unconditional love.... and stuff like that. Why exactly do you need a husband to do that?

Let me see... I think that covers everything. Just some things to think about. I have lost a lot of weight over the years. If you want I can give you some advice on how to lose weight and get in shape.

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On the bright side you are getting close to that age when all the young marriages are ending because the kids are leaving home and stuff like that. So there is a whole group of newly divorced adults coming your way.

I'm in the same situation, although I do have a broken relationship and a child. I have no friends and no family, at all none. I'm my mid 30's and have a deadend job I hate...I work and sleep, that's it. Anyone I try to befriend runs the other way, I can even make small talk with people, they aren't interested. I'm so lonely that I sound desperate which I think helps make people run the other way. I wish I could ignore the loneliness and give up and move on alone.

Just keep doing what you are doing. Time changes everything. With things like Volunteering and Church and Dating, different people will continue to fall into these and you will eventually meet new people

Im 33, no friends and live alone my only my cat as company. Never had a relationship. But lately i have been daring to coming out a little asking girls, problem is only the really young ones 18-22 are nice and talkative to me and i dont wanna be seen as an dirty old man!

I'm a 33 year old guy, alone really. My mother passed away January last year.
I think the OP is right to make her mother a priority in her life. At the end of the day she can look at herself in the mirror. No friend is worth more than that.