Follow me on my 30 days journey towards well-being

Hello there.

I have decided that the next month (or rather 30 days as I'm starting this weekend) will be very different. In fact, they will be as different as night and day. For those that do not know me I am male, 21 and literally a basket case. Don't get me wrong, I have my good sides but there's a lot that ain't right with me and my life. I suffer with BDD, social anxiety, also been through a major depression and panic attacks. I also have a history of substance abuse, which I luckily have put behind me by now though. Basically I don't socialize with people anymore with the exception for close family and I'd say I spent 95% of the time inside at home for the last two years.

If I were to make a list of things I have not done yet or haven't done in a long time you would be surprised. From the top of my head I haven't travelled further than 15 miles or so for the last 3 years, have never been to a party (and never been invited to one either for that matter), haven't been to a cinema in 6 years, haven't eaten outside at a new place for 12 years or so (I do eat out few times a year but always at the same place), haven't made real new friends for 6 years or so, have never been with a girl, have never gone out to a pub or bar and the list goes on. My life has slowly but steadily been reduced to doing the same things over and over again and I easily freak out when I'm not in control or in a new situation. Hence why I'm usually found at home, in front of the computer.

Now I feel that eventually you come to a point where you either break or snap out of it. And as low as I feel sometimes, I'm nowhere near breaking. I'm sick of sitting around feeling sorry for myself and I'm even more sick of writing about my misery online. Enough is enough! If I may be a bit melodramatic for a second I rather die trying than to rotten away like this. Therefore I have decided that the coming 30 days will be my turning point. I have no idea what I will do or what might happen but I do know this, I will do more things during these days than I've did for half of my life and I will feel more alive than ever!

But hey - as confident as I feel while writing this, I know it's a feeling that easily passes. That's why I can't do this on my own, not without this communitys help. I need you people here to support me and also to question me/keep an eye on me so I don't chicken out. If nothing else - see this as an experiment. I promise you, if I can get somewhere during this time, then anyone can. Most of you are (hopefully) not as lost as I am and no matter in what way you want to improve your life (whether you are lonely or there's some other issue), if I manage to pull this off then so can you. And if I don't, it still has to give something right?

So yeah. In return for any support and encouragement I might get, I will keep you well posted on this. I will "brief" you on my days and what I'm up to. Dunno if I can link in photos here too maybe? Perhaps if I'm out of ideas, we can even get some sort of interaction here where you tell me what to do And I promise not to just disappear which unfortunately happens way too often on forums with these types of threads. Whatya say, can I count on some support or if needed, a rude post telling me to get my ass off the couch and go do something?

Good idea man, it's courageous of you to come up with something like that. Though i must ask, after reading it all i didn't really get what it was that you wanted to do, other from something different.

As you're asking for ideas, i will give you some.

- Go cycle for at least an hour to some nature area, get some earbuds/headphones and play some music if you like as well.
- Go to a crowded place, like the center of a town, and just walk around. Let the energy of the city flow through you.
- Go to the grocery store and buy your food, but buy something COMPLETELY different. For example if you are used to chicken meat or something, buy fish instead.
- Pick up a completely random musical instrument, maybe you got one at home, maybe you know where to get one, and give yourself a new hobby!
- Go and take a look for a pet! Something like a dog or cat that you can more easily take outside for the rest of its life to have fun with!

Euhm alright those ideas are mostly pretty stupid but maybe it helps haha.

Good luck anyway, i'll try my best to help you along the way!

Rosebolt said:

Good idea man, it's courageous of you to come up with something like that. Though i must ask, after reading it all i didn't really get what it was that you wanted to do, other from something different.

As you're asking for ideas, i will give you some.

- Go cycle for at least an hour to some nature area, get some earbuds/headphones and play some music if you like as well.
- Go to a crowded place, like the center of a town, and just walk around. Let the energy of the city flow through you.
- Go to the grocery store and buy your food, but buy something COMPLETELY different. For example if you are used to chicken meat or something, buy fish instead.
- Pick up a completely random musical instrument, maybe you got one at home, maybe you know where to get one, and give yourself a new hobby!
- Go and take a look for a pet! Something like a dog or cat that you can more easily take outside for the rest of its life to have fun with!

Euhm alright those ideas are mostly pretty stupid but maybe it helps haha.

Good luck anyway, i'll try my best to help you along the way!

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Hey man thanks for answering!

Actually they aren't stupid, well the cycling one may be a bit hard as there is tons of snow, really slippery and I never learned to cycle during winters without falling.

Basically the whole point is just that, to do things differently. They can be small or big but the idea of all this is to really shake things up. I have never been able to do things moderatly, I either do it big or I don't do it at all. So it has to involve all aspects of my life, tiny things like you mentioned with what I eat as well for instance but also other stuff like activating myself a lot more (as that would be the opposite to sitting around at home).

I understand there is a limit to what I can accomplish. But you guys will need to see this from my perspective as I go along. I mean a lot of things that are normal to others freaks me out a bit, just going to the cinema alone feels scary when you are in my shoes!

I understand what you mean, i tried suggesting little things as well. ^^ Many little bricks make a strong wall.

That said, i also think there are not limits. Or more clearly, the only excisting limits are the ones you put on yourself.

Anyway, as it's almost Saturday i just wanted to wish you good luck, i'm trying now as well to come up with some interesting things for you but right now there's not much i can think of unfortunately. xD

So good luck! I'm with you!

Good luck,bro! Have fun!

Thanks for your support, it means a lot!

Alright time for my first report then. Saturday I still had a family member visiting and really had to put in a lot of time on studying too so I didnt really do anything. Today however I feel like I'm off to a good start! For the first time in ages I was up before 9 o clock. Usually I stay up until the middle of the night and wake up around noon. Having decided not to touch the pc at all except for a study related matter and this report, I found myself with plenty of time actually. Started out easy by cleaning up my room. I can honestly say some of you will probably be shocked at how it looked before, there will be before and after photos attached in next post

Skipping ahead, once I was gonna go get groceries I decided to skip the local store for once and went to a huge market in town where I never buy food normally. Strolled around there for a bit and eventually decided I would buy pepper biff, which I actually never ate before. I can say it was a wise choice, really nice flavour. Just for the sake of doing things differently I also made sure not to buy one single brand I normally do but to try out new things instead.

Got some good exercise too, a few long walks which was much needed. Feeling a bit abstinent with the pc at the moment but its not too bad actually. Topped the day off with ordering some things online, for instance lenses which I havent been wearing in ages and also a new hoodie. Will probably buy some more things later on if I can afford it, feel I need to upgrade and renew myself in order to successfully complete this mission.

This might not seem much or interesting at all for that matter. But baby steps my friends, baby steps! Need to ease into it all a little bit and get going. I am hoping that already by the end of the coming week, I will have some interesting stories to share with you.

Thanks for reading!

Awesome. Looking forward to the next report.

this sounds amazing, when you hit rock bottom you can become really pissed, that's a great attitude I did the same several times, and it always changed things dramatically (in a good way). Also very familiar with panic attacks, social anxiety, and in my teens I was once diagnosed with BDD, which was BS because I was just a teen, angry and all.
things I found useful:
listing things that would trigger social anxiety and just DO them
NOT doing the same for things related to panic attacks, panic attacks have sneaky ways to remind one that they are the boss, one needs to be sneaky as well and distract them or soothe them with a lot of reasoning and breathing
finding a new identity, new look, new attitude, what did I like and dislike, have opinions


Go Sorandom!

Nice! Go Go Go!

Nice to hear man, respect! Looking forward to your future updates!

First of all, once again, thank you for your supportive comments! It really means something to me

Right now I really feel like this isn't heading the way I was hoping it would. Like, there are many ups and downs for me, more than usually. Yesterday I felt really good. Spent more time than I've done in years on myself before going out somewhere - showered, shaved, used some products for my skin, styled my hair nicely and yeah the full package. I found a nice italian type of restaurant in town where I had dinner. Didn't feel too uncomfortable actually. Had a long chitchat with a woman too, I was gonna send a package and it took some time to get all the details and stuff done so we talked meanwhile. Nothing too personal ofc but given how I always avoid conversations with random people unless I have too, I still feel it was a step in the right direction. Tried to smile and seem nice too

And then today came a horrible BDD "attack" along. Ashamed to say that I spent most of this day on looking at myself in the mirror, taking photos from all kinds of angles, contemplating my ugliness and looking for surgical procedures and what they cost online. It's like when I have one of these days I can't reason with myself, can't break free from it. Just feel terrible and very emotional. I mean I guess it was to be expected to happen and it doesn't mean this is ruined by any means but still. It just reminds me so much that wherever I go or whatever I do, it is always around there lurking, waiting to unleash itself on me. All my confidence and fighting spirits are just blown away for the moment.

But hey - tomorrow is another day right? I need to think like that it's fine to take a step back every now and then, as long as I take two steps forward at a time! Currently trying to come up with things to do this weekend. Most of all I would like to go out/party and feel good about myself. But I'm not sure if I can do that on my own without company, so if nothing else I think I'm off to see a movie or something.

I'm not sure if you're looking for help in this thread, but you are a great guy, and i want to help you anyway.

From what you're saying it seems that your attacks come around a stressful time. Accomplishments are usually stressful to achieve beforehand.

What seems to happen at such an attack is that your whole life focusses on the BDD, it focusses on how it's ruining what you had and achieved. I think the key to conquer these attacks is to try and live with them, in a way that they have a part in your life, a small part, but that the attacks have been given a place. A way in where, if it happens, you can press the stop button so to speak, and think, alright, what's happening, i'm having an attack, why is this, oh i had stress for this and that. It's logical that my brain would trigger such a response, kind of, but i shouldn't pay much attention to it, since i win at life.

I know this will be very hard to just do from one day to another, i know that from my own experience. I just hope i can give you some insight and a different perspective of how to deal with such attacks and to stop them from ruining as much as they ruin now.

I have to give you credit for what you are doing, of course, you are trying to fight it, trying to find a way to live a life you like better, and i said it before but i'll say it again, i have alot of respect for that. So please know that i'm not trying to put you down here, altough i feel you don't feel that way.

Good luck in the coming days man, you can do this no matter what life throws at you! You know you can! Look at what you've been through already!!

Rosebolt said:

I'm not sure if you're looking for help in this thread, but you are a great guy, and i want to help you anyway.

From what you're saying it seems that your attacks come around a stressful time. Accomplishments are usually stressful to achieve beforehand.

What seems to happen at such an attack is that your whole life focusses on the BDD, it focusses on how it's ruining what you had and achieved. I think the key to conquer these attacks is to try and live with them, in a way that they have a part in your life, a small part, but that the attacks have been given a place. A way in where, if it happens, you can press the stop button so to speak, and think, alright, what's happening, i'm having an attack, why is this, oh i had stress for this and that. It's logical that my brain would trigger such a response, kind of, but i shouldn't pay much attention to it, since i win at life.

I know this will be very hard to just do from one day to another, i know that from my own experience. I just hope i can give you some insight and a different perspective of how to deal with such attacks and to stop them from ruining as much as they ruin now.

I have to give you credit for what you are doing, of course, you are trying to fight it, trying to find a way to live a life you like better, and i said it before but i'll say it again, i have alot of respect for that. So please know that i'm not trying to put you down here, altough i feel you don't feel that way.

Good luck in the coming days man, you can do this no matter what life throws at you! You know you can! Look at what you've been through already!!

Click to expand...

I wasn't really expecting any but I'm most grateful that you did take time to write that It feels a bit better now, I still haven't recovered fully but hopefully I will be able to get back on track now again.

There is something to what you are saying about them coming at a stressful time. It does happen more easily. However I'm not sure if it's possible to control this and/or learn to live with this. I mean, I guess in a way I already have or I wouldn't still be around but I don't see myself living a happy life as long as this is present in any way. The problem is it influences every aspect of my life. When I feel down I can't see a future for myself.

Like any mental illness, it is very tricky as you can't know what's part of the illness and what's not. I have with time (and from medical attention) realized that I do suffer with BDD. But that knowledge does not in itself give me comfort as I know that what I fear, how other people see me, may very well still be real.

Well that's that. I'll be back soon with a new report, no depressing stuff this time