I have holded this for months and I need to be heard

First of all, due to reasons ill later talk about, im posting this with my phone so i apologize for bad grammar and punctuation.

Hi everyone. This is my first time posting in here. Since months ago ( around middle 2012) i started to feel sadder than usual and sometimes peaking saddness in the night until i get very depressed and started to cry alone. However they used to be quite rare, but since time passed they got more common until i get depressed almost eveynight. Sometimes I randomly feel very lonely in day, even around my family.

I have always been a shy person. Over All my life I had just 2 friends ( not even close). I can only talk normally with my family. When in a group of people i get very nervous and i get the feeling everyone is looking at me as if they want to hurt me. I cant bear standing in a crowd of people and i usually run off to somewhere i could be alone. In many break times, the obly thing i do is stay on the toilet and do nothing because being in a social situation is the most stressful thing for me.


At least i can Say a few words to men, but talking to women is impossible for me unless the need is very great. If a girl approaches me, i start to get the feeling of being watched and if she says ask me something, i just stand there like an idiot.
I never had a girlfriend. I suppose I dont look that bad, but I am the perfect example of insecurenes. Due to this, i get very lonely and sometimes cry.

Talking of looks, im not fat, i usually am extremely clean and well dressed, but many times i think i look horrible. When i was 9 i asked my mother if i was handsome. She answered "Uhhh... Well... All mothers consider their son handsome" and she left. I realized that she didnt want to tell me i was ugly. Last year I was in vacation and i was in the hotel room wih my mother and grandma. I told granma that we couldnt go to the pool because it was completely full of girls. My granma answered that i could go the pool and flirt with them since i looked good. My mother startd giggling when she said i was good looking. Since that dat, i got evn more insecure. Heck even my mother thinks im ugly.

Speaking of family i never had any sort of trouble. It is a good family.

Now back to the topic. I feel extremely shy around people. I hate having social interaction but then i wish i had more. Since i have no one to talk to, around in december i unconciously created 2 imaginary People in my head. I hate it. These 2 thoughts are always nEgative and they get constantly and insult myself, until i run away from anyone so they dont see me as a weirdo that spontaneously cries.

In school I am the best student sincE i dont have nothing social to do. I ended last year with a 100% but when summer holidays came i thought to myself now what? I have no one to talk or share. I will just sit in my computer. Then one of the imaginary people added "because you are a looser with no friends. No one cares about you. You gonna sit in your chair and play computer games. Everyone has a girlfriend but you are lame" i said that it was too much and stopped playing games. I started to look around the internet a place in where i could get help and not laughed at. I liked this place and lurked around since december, but i never had th guts to post or use my computer because I was scared that somebody will find me looking and posting on here. I only read with phone at night, but i finally dared to post.

So that is my story. I have nobody to talk to. I cannot talk to people; specially women. Whenever i try to I surdenly loose courage and keep walking. My family is oblivious to this. Whenever i come back from school, sometimes they asked me if i hang out wih someone. I usually answer that i have a big group of friends. I cant keep living on with lies. What even depresses me more is that every classmate of mine has a stable relationship for years. They have somone to love but i dont. I am the odd one out

But then i always wanted a girlfirend so i could. BE loved by some other person, but for some reason i never fall in love. Never. I do not understand this.

In where i live there is nothig to do. It is a small developing wolrd city. I stay in my house because there is nowhere interesting to go.

Another thing that i consoder curious is that i do not like anything. I am extremely apathetic to everything, except tolkien books. It is the only thing i like. Unforunately, none cares or even hates tolkien. In music, i like classical, but everyone else hates it.

and before anyone suggest telliga few stories, i have none. Nothing happens to me. I dont get invited to anything. I only have some bad stories from my travels and if i told them people will think im bragging. And if I couldnt get more different, i am german and i live in south america so everyone looks at me like some novelty animal. I get even more lonely and depressed.

The only thing i do during the day is to post in forums, just so i can discuss something with other people. Nothing else. Long Ago i made a facEbook but no one wanted to add me as a friend. In october i got invited to my first party ever. My mother thougt rhat it was a joke. When i got in there i left under an hour because i couldnt stand it. People made bets if i would come and treated me as a novelty. During this time, a girl asked me to dance. I could barely say yes. On thr dancefloor i wass to nervous i just stood while she danced. Everyone couldnt belive and the whole pqrty went to see me. When she stopped i coudnt stand it that everyone was talking about it and i ran back home. I had only one birhday party and then my mother paid people so they would come. This memories still haunt me and make me feel like a looser and act as insult fuel for the 2 imaginary voices. I had never talked about this before. I just keep telling lies. Therapists are more useless than the us congress. I have noone to talk to and who will understand.

If i had forgotEn to say it, i am 15 malE. And i eat healthy.

Hi Tolkien-Fan,

Welcome to the forum.

Let me start by saying how very sorry I am that you have endured so much at such a young age. It is really awful when one's self esteem is crushed at an already trying period of life.

But hang in the Tolkien-Fan! You seem to be a very matured person, you're still doing well in school despite how you feel (congratulations by the way! That is no ordinary achievement let me tell ya!) and you have interests that make you unique. I can understand how such interests; liking classical music and reading Tolkien may result in feeling alienated, because most other people your age are interested in other stuff, but hang in there and someday, you will meet likeminded people. Its just a bit tough to get through adolescent years...

And don't be too hard on yourself for not being able to talk to women yet, and neither should you worry about having a girlfriend, because it will be well worth it when someone comes along who likes you for who you are. And if you do feel like overcoming your shyness, perhaps you can try reading through some of the posts here, where there are some good advice

Families can be tough to deal with sometimes. I know the biggest contributor to my own insecurities regarding my appearance has more to do with my family then anyone else, so I can relate. But with time, you might realize that most times, when people are patronizing, it is only because they have unresolved issues themselves which they take out on others.

This forum has helped me loads with my own issues, some really wonderful people here, so I hope you will find some support.

And remember, hang in there ok!

Welcome!

Veruca said:

[/i]

But hang in the Tolkien-Fan! You seem to be a very matured person, you're still doing well in school despite how you feel (congratulations by the way! That is no ordinary achievement let me tell ya!) and you have interests that make you unique. I can understand how such interests; liking classical music and reading Tolkien may result in feeling alienated, because most other people your age are interested in other stuff, but hang in there and someday, you will meet likeminded people. Its just a bit tough to get through adolescent years...

And don't be too hard on yourself for not being able to talk to women yet, and neither should you worry about having a girlfriend, because it will be well worth it when someone comes along who likes you for who you are. And if you do feel like overcoming your shyness, perhaps you can try reading through some of the posts here, where there are some good advice

Click to expand...

Well, thanks. Even the headmaster went to congratulate me, but as always, I was to nervous to get a conversation going. The longest answer I could make was that I have no preference for particular subjects.

And I really dont desire a girlfriend much. It is mostly hormones and the frustration that nearly everyone is in a stable relationships. In fact I never plan to get one until college because it is not necesary. I prefer academic goals and trying to get one will label me as a creep. I want to finish school and get into a prestigious university and then try to find a smarter girl.

On another hand, I usually feel as if I matured faster. In year 7 I said that those years were as a practice for high school and then later on I couldnt repeat the same mistakes I had done. I feel this somehow worked since many people repeat the same mistakes which is to not study hard and expect good marks (I always study hard). For my lastest birthday, I asked for "A brief history of time" by S. Hawking.

And another thing, did antone had a huge interest in astrophysics, quantum mechanics, relativity and particle physics since 12? I usually read a lot of this, but then I have no one to talk about it.

Tolkien-Fan, I wanna start by saying that I, too, live in South America, was born and raised here, and I always felt different as well. I have never fitted in here.

Second, you're going through one of the toughest times in life. High school sucks for A LOT of people (myself included), but the best thing about it is that it ends. And the outside world is nothing like high school. You just have to survive those years.

If it makes you feel any better, I'm a very pretty girl and have never had a boyfriend. I actually had one that lasted a week, so I dont really qualify that as a real relationship. 99% of guys only pretend to be interested in me because they wanna sleep with me, and I want someone that likes me for me, not for my looks. Looks are not everything.

I guess what you need to do is to try to get in touch with older people who are into or work with astrophysics, quantum mechanics and all the other subjects you like. And I must say that the fact that you're so interested in it and study so hard makes me think that you will have such a bright future ahead of you. Remember, a lot of geniuses didnt really have an easy time in high school

Just hang in there and make it til your graduation. I promise the outside world is a lot better than high school and you WILL find people who share your interests and like you for who you are.