Yesterday it was around 4:30 PM or so and I was by myself in my room which is on the sixth story, the window was open cause it was a semi-nice day out, and all I could think of was cutting the screen and jumping out and this kept up the whole night, and there was just a time when I was so out of it....it seemed like such a good idea, it was scary, it honestly was, I hadn't felt this suicidal since high school ...and today I decided that I couldn't live like this anymore so I eventually(it took me a long time to get the courage up) called the counseling service here on campus and scheduled an appointment for tomorrow. I just can't keep living like this things have gotten so bad, I figured it was past time for me to seek help, I hope they can help me... I just have so many issues and things wrong with me, it's crippling I can't deal with it all anymore... And so I made this post so I can keep track if things get any better and so that anyone considering therapy will know what to expect, cause hell, I have no idea what to expect I'm terrified right now I don't know what will happen tomorrow.....So I'll keep track of it all here, at least what I feel comfortable sharing..
NeverMore's Journal
- Thread starter NeverMore
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Help Support Loneliness, Depression & Relationship Forum:
K
Kristen
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so sad to hear that, ur such a great person
B
Bluey
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NeverMore, You are doing the right thing. And as I keep saying on here a lonely life you have nothing to loss by going to counseling. If things have gotten as bad as that you are in need of some help. Man, know one is an island<-- is that how that's spelt? But you get me.
And you should not Share things here that you are not comfortable with posting. Some might say you have to come out of your comfort zone and they might be right. Not necessary you. But I think that's for ppl like counselors/psychiatrists to say to you.
And you should not Share things here that you are not comfortable with posting. Some might say you have to come out of your comfort zone and they might be right. Not necessary you. But I think that's for ppl like counselors/psychiatrists to say to you.
Thx guys, you all are definitely some of the best people I've ever had the pleasure of knowing and I mean that
Well I went in there at 2 for my "session" as they call them and they gave me some paper work to do that took me 20 minutes to do cause on all the questions I kept having to check other and stuff, it was just all the standard questions like have you been here before and how often do you feel worthless things like that not too hard. Then, one of the councilors introduced themselves and we walked back to this room that had no windows and 4 chairs she sat down and I took the chair furthest from her, then she told me we would review the questions I just answered, and the first one was have you ever been here before, and I said quote "no, and I'm terrified right now", she was very easy to talk to. Basically the whole time she just sat there asking me questions and then when I would say something she would ask me something relating to what I just said so I'd elaborate and delve further into things she found interesting...And **** was I apparently interesting she wrote down volumes as I was talking.. Man I never realized how messed up my past was till I heard it coming out of my mouth, first time I'd ever told somebody some things that I said.
We talked about how long it takes me to be able to feel comfortable around people, and that's why I was comfortable around everyone in high school, it was such a small school and I'd been with them for 7 years, and for this same reason I'm having such a hard time feeling comfortable around anyone here. A lot of what we talked about was in the past two years, and looking back on it I can't believe all the honeysuckle that has happened to me in such a short time..In the end she walked over to a self full of books and pulled one out and started reading symptoms and seeing if I would agree they fit me, she didn't diagnose me on the spot or anything but said that I fit a lot of the symptoms for something which I won't say, and said she'd like to explore it further in more sessions. I said okay and we scheduled another one for next Wednesday
It'd kinda depressing to know that I might have a disorder, but at least now I know what the sources of a lot of my problems are and that's kinda uplifting to have it identified, but still nothing is certain so I won't jump to conclusions yet...
I feel a lot better, I think that was just from talking to someone getting it off my chest and knowing that I'm going down the path that will lead to things getting better not worse for once
Well I went in there at 2 for my "session" as they call them and they gave me some paper work to do that took me 20 minutes to do cause on all the questions I kept having to check other and stuff, it was just all the standard questions like have you been here before and how often do you feel worthless things like that not too hard. Then, one of the councilors introduced themselves and we walked back to this room that had no windows and 4 chairs she sat down and I took the chair furthest from her, then she told me we would review the questions I just answered, and the first one was have you ever been here before, and I said quote "no, and I'm terrified right now", she was very easy to talk to. Basically the whole time she just sat there asking me questions and then when I would say something she would ask me something relating to what I just said so I'd elaborate and delve further into things she found interesting...And **** was I apparently interesting she wrote down volumes as I was talking.. Man I never realized how messed up my past was till I heard it coming out of my mouth, first time I'd ever told somebody some things that I said.
We talked about how long it takes me to be able to feel comfortable around people, and that's why I was comfortable around everyone in high school, it was such a small school and I'd been with them for 7 years, and for this same reason I'm having such a hard time feeling comfortable around anyone here. A lot of what we talked about was in the past two years, and looking back on it I can't believe all the honeysuckle that has happened to me in such a short time..In the end she walked over to a self full of books and pulled one out and started reading symptoms and seeing if I would agree they fit me, she didn't diagnose me on the spot or anything but said that I fit a lot of the symptoms for something which I won't say, and said she'd like to explore it further in more sessions. I said okay and we scheduled another one for next Wednesday
It'd kinda depressing to know that I might have a disorder, but at least now I know what the sources of a lot of my problems are and that's kinda uplifting to have it identified, but still nothing is certain so I won't jump to conclusions yet...
I feel a lot better, I think that was just from talking to someone getting it off my chest and knowing that I'm going down the path that will lead to things getting better not worse for once
Uh, I could probably diagnos you myself pretty acurately for all that is worth...
No offense, but right now I am concerned because it seems like your too trusting. People don't have to intend you harm to do damage. You think you have problems now, they could get a whole lot worse if you don't take what this person says with a grain of salt. It's great to hear what others say, but don't feel like you can't have your own oppinion. What worries me is most people can't understand til they go through it themselves :/
No offense, but right now I am concerned because it seems like your too trusting. People don't have to intend you harm to do damage. You think you have problems now, they could get a whole lot worse if you don't take what this person says with a grain of salt. It's great to hear what others say, but don't feel like you can't have your own oppinion. What worries me is most people can't understand til they go through it themselves :/
Skorian said:
Point duly noted, they haven't proven anything to me in my eyes. The disadvantage of accepting that I have a "disorder" is that I will accept it as a part of my nature and stop trying to fight it, I think the fact that I've come as far as I have with the "disorder" they brought up can partially be contributed to the fact that I didn't know I may have it. We'll see, they have to prove to me without a reasonable doubt that it's truly what's wrong with me, so far they haven't it's just speculation. I definitely appreciate the insight it's really appreciated from someone who's been here before.
And even if they do prove to me that I have this "disorder", and recommend some medication or something like that, I'll take it for a week or so, if I don't like the effects I'll never take it again. I won't let this define me as a person because i haven't for the 19 years I've lived with it
I went to another "session" today and found out a lot about myself. When I got there she asked me some more questions and I answered them all and then she told me about two disorders one being dysthymic disorder which is a type of low to moderate depression and she told me all about it and stuff and then said it would be entirely up to me if I wanted to start using medication, I told her I would think about it and get back to her on it.. Then she told me about the other disorder we discussed at the end of the last session and I stopped her mid way through to bring up some questions I had about it, cause I've been doing research on it the entire week and there was one major symptom I didn't fit: lack of empathy for others, I feel empathy for others all the time and I can understand facial expressions perfectly okay...Then, what she said next led me to have an amazing moment of realization. She went down her notes and she read to me all of the characteristics she had noticed in me that typify the disorder and I listened to her explain my life based on everything I told her and why I act the way I do and it all clicked...I do have Asperger's Syndrome it explains so much...
These are some of the observations she made that all typify Asperger's. When I was a kid I didn't play with other kids I swung on a swing set far away from everyone else or I would play with legos by myself perfectly happily. When I got a little older during recess I would study astronomy, I was obsessed with astronomy as a kid I eventually read this college level textbook on astronomy and after reading it decided I knew everything about astronomy and moved on... I didn't have any delay with learning how to talk I was just very quiet, but when I did talk everyone was always surprised by my high vocabulary and would constantly tell me about it. I was at the top of my class for all of elementary school in everything I was quote "a brilliant kid" (she looked at my records). It takes me a very long time to trust people and feel comfortable around them she noted. Sensitivity to a lot of stimuli such as light especially the sun, sounds that no one else is bothered by,taste(the first bite of any meal is always painful to me, makes the glands behind my ears hurt). How I take in everything around me and therefore get overwhelmed easily. The fact that I have to think about what facial expression to make in situations, it's not just built in.. Eye contact makes me extremely uncomfortable... The fact that I have to think about social cues, they aren't built in either. The fact that I mimic people a lot, like if someone says what's up sometimes I'll just say what's up back to them.. My reclusiveness, the fact that I'm perfectly content to be alone by myself at home for a lot of the time. I do some ocd kinda things. I have rigidly set routines that I follow daily. Difficulty with touching or anything physical. The fact that I can empathize decently is perfectly normal for aspergers
So yea I have aspergers, no point in not telling you all... Just please don't treat me any differently...She told me that the fact of me not being diagnosed for 19 years and having to act normal made it so I adapted, to be able to read facial expressions and social cues, I mean I have to think about them still but I learned how to act according to social norms she told me that was pretty amazing how I adapted..And now knowing that I have it means that now I can focus on learning things like holding decent conversations, talking better, reducing social anxiety just like I learned how to read social cues and facial expressions and I'll just have to think about it more than a normal person would have to. I can still live a perfectly normal life it's not crippling, I just have to work at it. The first thing she told me to do was to visualize conversations in my head and think of things to say before entering the conversations like if someone came up to me and said: "what's up?" I would say: "not too much just chillin".. lol I know it sounds stupid but maybe it will help I don't know
These are some of the observations she made that all typify Asperger's. When I was a kid I didn't play with other kids I swung on a swing set far away from everyone else or I would play with legos by myself perfectly happily. When I got a little older during recess I would study astronomy, I was obsessed with astronomy as a kid I eventually read this college level textbook on astronomy and after reading it decided I knew everything about astronomy and moved on... I didn't have any delay with learning how to talk I was just very quiet, but when I did talk everyone was always surprised by my high vocabulary and would constantly tell me about it. I was at the top of my class for all of elementary school in everything I was quote "a brilliant kid" (she looked at my records). It takes me a very long time to trust people and feel comfortable around them she noted. Sensitivity to a lot of stimuli such as light especially the sun, sounds that no one else is bothered by,taste(the first bite of any meal is always painful to me, makes the glands behind my ears hurt). How I take in everything around me and therefore get overwhelmed easily. The fact that I have to think about what facial expression to make in situations, it's not just built in.. Eye contact makes me extremely uncomfortable... The fact that I have to think about social cues, they aren't built in either. The fact that I mimic people a lot, like if someone says what's up sometimes I'll just say what's up back to them.. My reclusiveness, the fact that I'm perfectly content to be alone by myself at home for a lot of the time. I do some ocd kinda things. I have rigidly set routines that I follow daily. Difficulty with touching or anything physical. The fact that I can empathize decently is perfectly normal for aspergers
So yea I have aspergers, no point in not telling you all... Just please don't treat me any differently...She told me that the fact of me not being diagnosed for 19 years and having to act normal made it so I adapted, to be able to read facial expressions and social cues, I mean I have to think about them still but I learned how to act according to social norms she told me that was pretty amazing how I adapted..And now knowing that I have it means that now I can focus on learning things like holding decent conversations, talking better, reducing social anxiety just like I learned how to read social cues and facial expressions and I'll just have to think about it more than a normal person would have to. I can still live a perfectly normal life it's not crippling, I just have to work at it. The first thing she told me to do was to visualize conversations in my head and think of things to say before entering the conversations like if someone came up to me and said: "what's up?" I would say: "not too much just chillin".. lol I know it sounds stupid but maybe it will help I don't know
iwasaloverb4thiswar
Well-known member
i...oh...um...really really want to say something to you, but I have no words...
these words that I do not have would be genuine, would comfort you in every way, would make you feel better if only the tiniest bit
it maybe that you are not connecting with your counselor, and thats really important. if you can't trust them and feel like they are not understanding the depth of the issue, then maybe you need to try someone else...and you are right, your cooperation is neccessary, but if its not working, its not working. as i am sure you know, "she" is not the end all be all. if it doesn't work with her please don't blame yourself...there is someone out there who can help you, when you are ready to be honest and..........sigh, i don't want to give you advice, I just want you to feel better. sometimes it can suck, my friend, it really really can, and i am sorry.
these words that I do not have would be genuine, would comfort you in every way, would make you feel better if only the tiniest bit
it maybe that you are not connecting with your counselor, and thats really important. if you can't trust them and feel like they are not understanding the depth of the issue, then maybe you need to try someone else...and you are right, your cooperation is neccessary, but if its not working, its not working. as i am sure you know, "she" is not the end all be all. if it doesn't work with her please don't blame yourself...there is someone out there who can help you, when you are ready to be honest and..........sigh, i don't want to give you advice, I just want you to feel better. sometimes it can suck, my friend, it really really can, and i am sorry.
Went to another session today and instead of continuing down the road it was going down, her helping me to be better around people, I changed the subject and told her about how depressed I've been feeling which I was really happy about that I built up the courage to do that. And she talked about depression medicine being an option again and I said I'd be willing to try it so she scheduled me a "medical evaluation" for tomorrow at the campus health center. So I'm a little nervous about that but at least it's a step in the right direction and if I don't like the medicine or even what they recommend I won't take it so we'll see, I have no idea what to expect from a "medical evaluation" that kinda freaks me out but I'll deal with it just fine
I wouldn't take anti-depressants.
but oh god, I know that feeling so damned well, It haunts me, and I despise myself so much for it.
I too fresia up my counseling sessions. I always talk about utter rubbish which is completely off the point of how im really feeling.
Either way, I wish you good luck tomorrow. I mean it.
but oh god, I know that feeling so damned well, It haunts me, and I despise myself so much for it.
I too fresia up my counseling sessions. I always talk about utter rubbish which is completely off the point of how im really feeling.
Either way, I wish you good luck tomorrow. I mean it.
I went to the medical evaluation today and they recommend that I take an antidepressant. They gave me 4 weeks worth and scheduled another appointment to check up in two weeks. I was in a very bad mood when I went to the appointment and I let some things slip I wish I hadn't.. And the medicine isn't what I thought it'd be like, I would have to take it for 2 to 6 weeks to begin to notice any effects and I couldn't just stop it if I didn't like it I would have to decrease dosage over an extended period of time and even then I would go through terrible withdrawal... I was reading about some of the stories of people that went through it and I don't want to ever have to deal with that... Not driving and not wanting anyone to know would make it hard to get it during the summer and after I graduate who knows what I'd do then... I'd always be worrying about where I'll be able to get it next. You know what that makes me sound like? A drug addict and I don't like that at all...
But on the other hand if I don't take the medicine nothing will change and things will keep getting worse and worse until eventually I won't be able to deal with it anymore.. What if the medicine works and makes me feel good again? If I don't take it I could be missing out on that. I'm not living right now, I can't remember when I was last happy, nothing feels right anymore and I feel so distant and cold all the time I can't keep being like this..
I'm in quite a dilemma and I have no idea what to do. I have to decide if I want to take it tonight or not. I'm terribly scared of both the medicine and the affects of me not taking it... So I have no idea what to do any advice or insight or anything would be greatly appreciated cause I am the most indecisive person ever... Today has truly been one of the worst days of my life
But on the other hand if I don't take the medicine nothing will change and things will keep getting worse and worse until eventually I won't be able to deal with it anymore.. What if the medicine works and makes me feel good again? If I don't take it I could be missing out on that. I'm not living right now, I can't remember when I was last happy, nothing feels right anymore and I feel so distant and cold all the time I can't keep being like this..
I'm in quite a dilemma and I have no idea what to do. I have to decide if I want to take it tonight or not. I'm terribly scared of both the medicine and the affects of me not taking it... So I have no idea what to do any advice or insight or anything would be greatly appreciated cause I am the most indecisive person ever... Today has truly been one of the worst days of my life
I don't think you should take the pills unless you're 100% sure it's what you want. Make sure you ask your doctors absolutely everything you want to know before, if you decide to take them.
I wish I could help you more, but I have no experience with these things. Whatever you decide to do, I hope it will make you feel better =/
Good luck mate. I'm rooting for you
I wish I could help you more, but I have no experience with these things. Whatever you decide to do, I hope it will make you feel better =/
Good luck mate. I'm rooting for you
Yeah, They offered me antidepressants too, I straight up turned them down.
I have alot of thoughts about how much I hate myself. And I always tell myself I want to kill myself, But still.....
I think I can handle it.
I have suicidal thoughts, But unless I think Im actually going to kill myself, I wont take anti-depressants.
If you really really think you have the capacity to kill yourself, and your are going to do it unless you get chemical help, I wouldnt take anti-depressants. They are highly addictive too, and alot of people do get addicted.
I have alot of thoughts about how much I hate myself. And I always tell myself I want to kill myself, But still.....
I think I can handle it.
I have suicidal thoughts, But unless I think Im actually going to kill myself, I wont take anti-depressants.
If you really really think you have the capacity to kill yourself, and your are going to do it unless you get chemical help, I wouldnt take anti-depressants. They are highly addictive too, and alot of people do get addicted.
I didn't take the medicine I threw it all away and told both the doctors and the therapists I didn't want them. Yea things were getting out of hand quickly, I was feeling worse and worse then something happened to make me even more depressed and unstable I guess you could say.. And that night that I decided not to take the medicine I came very close to jumping out the window and when I didn't do it I had a long talk with myself and I mean this was one of those life changing moments where you sit yourself down and take a look at yourself and everything in life. This comes from me not a therapist,what I decided was:
1.To love and respect myself
2.To Forgive myself for everything I've done in the past because I tried my best and I realize that's all I could have done, I can't keep living in the past
3.To accept that my brain works differently from other people and to not blame or hate myself because of it
4.Don't repress things so much, don't hold myself back just because other people might see it as weird. If I want to solve a Rubik's cube by using memorized algorithms then **** it I will, other people's opinions be damned!
5.Appreciate things more, savor good moments or moments of peace
6.Realize that I don't like to talk to people, that's it's part of my nature and I shouldn't try to conform or think there is something wrong with me for wanting to be alone just accept it
Since then I've been a lot happier. I feel like one person instead of having a war with myself every second of the day. I don't think I'll ever contemplate suicide again, coming so close to death made me appreciate things so much more too much to ever think of killing myself again. It's all about being able to live with yourself everyday and to not be your own worst enemy
1.To love and respect myself
2.To Forgive myself for everything I've done in the past because I tried my best and I realize that's all I could have done, I can't keep living in the past
3.To accept that my brain works differently from other people and to not blame or hate myself because of it
4.Don't repress things so much, don't hold myself back just because other people might see it as weird. If I want to solve a Rubik's cube by using memorized algorithms then **** it I will, other people's opinions be damned!
5.Appreciate things more, savor good moments or moments of peace
6.Realize that I don't like to talk to people, that's it's part of my nature and I shouldn't try to conform or think there is something wrong with me for wanting to be alone just accept it
Since then I've been a lot happier. I feel like one person instead of having a war with myself every second of the day. I don't think I'll ever contemplate suicide again, coming so close to death made me appreciate things so much more too much to ever think of killing myself again. It's all about being able to live with yourself everyday and to not be your own worst enemy
Jeremi said:
Thx for the kind words
Yep so I left this thread a little up in the air so I figured I'd come back and tell how it ended for anyone who's wondering. After that week where I turned down the medicine things got a lot better, I kept going to counseling after that and it was good because with the medicine out of the way we talked about other ways to help get rid of depression like:
-Expose yourself to as much light as possible, when your inside turn on a light
-Exercise especially helps if it's outside
-When you feel a depressed mood coming along listen to upbeat music
-Force yourself to do things you enjoy even if you don't feel like it at the time, you'll find yourself having fun eventually
Those helped me a lot also we went over a lot of ways to identify and argue against negative thoughts like "this always happens to me" "They are all looking at me because I'm sitting alone" etc. I have to recognize that they are illogical and wrong, for instance I have to remind myself to look around and prove that people aren't looking at me etc. and the more you combat these thoughts the less they will show up in your mind, it's been very helpful also with dealing with a lot of my anxiety.
We also talked about holding conversations which I'm really bad at, we had a whole bunch of mock conversations and she would stop me and tell me "well you could have said this" or "why didn't you ask the same question of them" and I think it's helped a bit.
We also talked a lot about autism and which aspects of me are effected by it. I have to try a lot harder than a normal person would during something social to catch facial expressions and social cues and really think about what to say not just mimic the person, which is a bad habit of mine.. It's like playing a game, which is a really lame metaphor but it expresses it all well. It's not that I won't be able to socialize with people normally it's just I have to work a little harder than the average person.
Autism is a difference not a disability and to me it's fascinating, I've gone back and reexamined my life and why I acted the ways I did and it all fits together like I can finally understand myself and THAT is probably the biggest benefit of therapy for me, things make sense now and I feel like I understand myself and appreciate the things I'm good at and not be angry at myself when I do something that isn't along the lines of normalcy. I've agreed to myself that I'll tell my family about me being autistic when I go home for summer and I'll also tell my roommate next year and maybe a few other people this summer if I feel like I can slip it into a conversation or something.
I went to my final session last week, we both agreed that I had shown significant improvement and was ready to try things on my own. I'm going to miss talking to her every week she was awesome.. But with Spring here I'm feeling a lot better and things are looking up. I can't wait for summer to start only 4 weeks left!
Anyone who is reading this right now and considering going to therapy or counseling I would highly recommend it. It's worth a try definitely, it's helped me immensely
