I am going to try to make this as brief as possible.
I'm 18. I grew up in a really nice place, went to a international school nearly all my life, have always received too much love from parents especially my mother. We weren't extremely rich but probably above average, for sure enough to lead a pretty easy life. I grew up being pretty spoiled, everything I asked for I always had, and if my parents said no I would keep finding reasons I should get it until they bought it. I grew up without brothers/sisters/cousins. I've got some family in another country but they don't truly feel like family to me.
From age 9 to 12 i've had a huge addiction to computers. I wasn't mainly playing games - I was coding, made some graphic design, was part of some communities, etc.. I learnt to do everything by myself, I had a huge passion. Also, I listened to rock/death metal/black metal and mainly visual kei (japanese rock). During these years I barely got out of my house, just for school, and when I went on holidays with my parents I HAD to take my computer with me or I would get mad - I just wanted to stay in the hotel room on my computer. I never really enjoyed being on holiday and was feeling forced to go each time - but then again I was only around 10 years old so it's not like I had a choice.
I wasn't a bad student nor a great one I was doing fine all the time, satisfactory. At age 10-11 I started to lose complete motivation in school, and instantly became the less working student in school. I didn't really have behaviour problems, I was pretty calm, but just didn't care AT ALL about any subjects at school, I lost complete interest, my mind was somewhere else, and still is.
I always felt different at school. I had a really brief 'long hair ''gothic'' phase' at age 10-12 also. I was a bit awkward, shy. My school was full of rich snobby kids so people looked at me weird and made hurtful comments, made me feel very intimidated, and feel like some of my issue now are because of that phase. I was the only one of my kind at my school. I wanted to be a 'cool' kid and for some reason related 'cool' to extreme self-loathing so the 'cooler' kids would see I could do 'bad' stuff too - I know, pretty lame.
At age 13 I started skateboarding pretty intensively, basically every day. I met a LOT of new people and everything in my life now relates to me starting to skate and getting to know another world outside the one I grew up in. From 13 to 16 I skated everyday than progressively stopped because had a serious girlfriend at age 15. So much problems and fights happened with this girl throughout a whole year, it changed completely the way I see/think/feel/act about girls and relationships. I'm a pretty sensible and fragile guy, and wasn't ready to receive the wave of emotions I did - it messed me up so much I didn't know how to manage those feelings, and when I was on drugs or alcohol it was the only moment I felt free of all problems.
I had a 'club' phase where I was getting drunk each weekend with 20+ year old guys I met while skateboarding. Then when I had the girl problems I started to smoke a lot of weed and cigarettes instantly and was so passionate about it like it was the coolest thing in the world, I was so lame. Eventually I met people in a similar state of mind as me and wanted to become friends with them really badly, they are now my best friends.
I have now got heart arrythmia (irregular heartbeats) because of too much weed and some drugs, have a lot of social anxiety, extremely low self esteem, am a little awkward, feel worthless, can't stop comparing my self to other people, always ask myself 'shouldve, couldve, wouldve,'. I feel like I took a completely wrong turn. I have a lot of girl friends but finished up severely friend zoned because I don't know how to flirt properly, though most of girls say that i'm cute. Obviously over thinking everything all the time.
The irony is that if you look at my facebook page,I look like I have a great life, great friends, that I get a lot of girls, i'm happy with what i'm doing and don't seem to have a lot of problems.
I do have real relationships with friends but it all goes back to 'I wasn't supposed to be in this environment' and I go overthinking again.
I feel having made so many wrong choices and that now it's too late to go back, and it makes me so sad because my life is full of lies, my parent's don't know my real face, it makes me depressed, I start to get this paranoid eye contact with everyone, I start feeling more and more intimidated and ashamed. It is so sad because people always told me I have huge potential and that I am intelligent. But I feel like I waste my intelligence and potential on the wrong stuff.
There is of course so much more to all this and it would probably influence your answer but I tried to make it as general as possible.
Hope some of you can understand me.
I'm 18. I grew up in a really nice place, went to a international school nearly all my life, have always received too much love from parents especially my mother. We weren't extremely rich but probably above average, for sure enough to lead a pretty easy life. I grew up being pretty spoiled, everything I asked for I always had, and if my parents said no I would keep finding reasons I should get it until they bought it. I grew up without brothers/sisters/cousins. I've got some family in another country but they don't truly feel like family to me.
From age 9 to 12 i've had a huge addiction to computers. I wasn't mainly playing games - I was coding, made some graphic design, was part of some communities, etc.. I learnt to do everything by myself, I had a huge passion. Also, I listened to rock/death metal/black metal and mainly visual kei (japanese rock). During these years I barely got out of my house, just for school, and when I went on holidays with my parents I HAD to take my computer with me or I would get mad - I just wanted to stay in the hotel room on my computer. I never really enjoyed being on holiday and was feeling forced to go each time - but then again I was only around 10 years old so it's not like I had a choice.
I wasn't a bad student nor a great one I was doing fine all the time, satisfactory. At age 10-11 I started to lose complete motivation in school, and instantly became the less working student in school. I didn't really have behaviour problems, I was pretty calm, but just didn't care AT ALL about any subjects at school, I lost complete interest, my mind was somewhere else, and still is.
I always felt different at school. I had a really brief 'long hair ''gothic'' phase' at age 10-12 also. I was a bit awkward, shy. My school was full of rich snobby kids so people looked at me weird and made hurtful comments, made me feel very intimidated, and feel like some of my issue now are because of that phase. I was the only one of my kind at my school. I wanted to be a 'cool' kid and for some reason related 'cool' to extreme self-loathing so the 'cooler' kids would see I could do 'bad' stuff too - I know, pretty lame.
At age 13 I started skateboarding pretty intensively, basically every day. I met a LOT of new people and everything in my life now relates to me starting to skate and getting to know another world outside the one I grew up in. From 13 to 16 I skated everyday than progressively stopped because had a serious girlfriend at age 15. So much problems and fights happened with this girl throughout a whole year, it changed completely the way I see/think/feel/act about girls and relationships. I'm a pretty sensible and fragile guy, and wasn't ready to receive the wave of emotions I did - it messed me up so much I didn't know how to manage those feelings, and when I was on drugs or alcohol it was the only moment I felt free of all problems.
I had a 'club' phase where I was getting drunk each weekend with 20+ year old guys I met while skateboarding. Then when I had the girl problems I started to smoke a lot of weed and cigarettes instantly and was so passionate about it like it was the coolest thing in the world, I was so lame. Eventually I met people in a similar state of mind as me and wanted to become friends with them really badly, they are now my best friends.
I have now got heart arrythmia (irregular heartbeats) because of too much weed and some drugs, have a lot of social anxiety, extremely low self esteem, am a little awkward, feel worthless, can't stop comparing my self to other people, always ask myself 'shouldve, couldve, wouldve,'. I feel like I took a completely wrong turn. I have a lot of girl friends but finished up severely friend zoned because I don't know how to flirt properly, though most of girls say that i'm cute. Obviously over thinking everything all the time.
The irony is that if you look at my facebook page,I look like I have a great life, great friends, that I get a lot of girls, i'm happy with what i'm doing and don't seem to have a lot of problems.
I do have real relationships with friends but it all goes back to 'I wasn't supposed to be in this environment' and I go overthinking again.
I feel having made so many wrong choices and that now it's too late to go back, and it makes me so sad because my life is full of lies, my parent's don't know my real face, it makes me depressed, I start to get this paranoid eye contact with everyone, I start feeling more and more intimidated and ashamed. It is so sad because people always told me I have huge potential and that I am intelligent. But I feel like I waste my intelligence and potential on the wrong stuff.
There is of course so much more to all this and it would probably influence your answer but I tried to make it as general as possible.
Hope some of you can understand me.
