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bulmabriefs144

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So a little background about myself (okay, forget that, I'm gonna attempt to tell my life story in one sitting).

So I was born in Connecticut, got picked on by some girls in my early childhood and later went to a daycare "Fun Factory" where the women in charge were apparently hardcore feminists (based on this, I'm the first person to say "men are scum" even though I am a guy). When I was six, my brother wanted me to act for his history project film about David Karesh, and he dressed me up in women's clothes to act the part. So yea, I've always been a bit of a fem guy, from childhood. I like to crossdress, and it's become part of me. I've felt depressed about it, like this is odd or even a bad thing about me, but finally one day I said "this is my past, I need to come to terms with this" and finally learned to like myself concerning this.

A less desirable part of me comes from my dad. My dad's a preacher, and this typically churns out two type of people, from what I've heard: morally disillusioned "bad kids" and zealous hypocrites "good kids." Well, no, it also produces people like me, ("mixed") outsiders who get either people expecting you not to measure up because of what they think of you, people who think you've got it easy (my dad is normal, he even goes to Hooters), and people who think "you're supposed to be good" because you have a dad that's a priest. Because I'm an outsider, I have trouble trusting people since they've tried to have me on their terms rather than mine, but oddly enough I'm also the most willing person to trust even people I should have no business trusting.

Also, because of his job, we've move around alot. I first moved to Virginia when I was four (looking at it now, I'm glad we moved from CT, because otherwise we'd get caught up in that **** shooting news). And then we moved from Kinsale, VA to Culpeper, VA when I was just going through puberty. I remember how quiet and idyllic it was back then, and my parents describing how this would be a new experience ("isn't it wonderful?") and this would be better for me. Not only did I have the adjustment from small town to big city, but going from generally being known and liked to being largely unknown and being bullied by those I thought might be my friends. We moved away to the Eastern Shore, which was probably for the best around late high school (at about 15, I was starting to crossdress, wearing my sister's clothes), and I had to dual-enroll at some community college meaning my credits were transferred in the classes I missed but also meaning that although I could graduate, my transcripts are so horribly messed up that I seldom find a job even if I work up the confidence to present myself well (btw, this community college, I technically didn't graduate from, since I was missing a painting course of all things). So then we moved back to the Kinsale area, this time to Heathsville. I like Heathsville, it's a sleepy little town like I grew up in, but the advent of big immigrant workers, big trucking, and all the other corporate crap that came about in the 90s-2000s where businesses can literally own a country, means no, it's not even the same world anymore. I can't go home, and I can't belong anywhere.

All my live I've been trying in vain to forge lasting connections with people (who I then can't even manage to stay penpals with). Then we move away. So, almost as a defense mechanism, when people distance themselves from me, I move away for awhile (I've also found since I can't fit in the job setting easily, volunteering comes naturally). After college, when I was losing touch with a girl I liked (who didn't seem available at all), I signed up for volunteer work in China teaching English. So, basically, I was getting room and board and hanging out, and I stayed on for vacation stuff. I liked it there, even though supposedly it was a third-world country. I might have liked to fit in there, but when I came back I got reverse-culture shock, and have really never recovered. Our supposed freedoms? China, a country recovering from communism, is better off, while we're about to lapse into it from the looks of things, and there's really no safety net for poorer people to fend for themselves.

All of which brings us in a roundabout way (did I mention I'm probably ADD?) to the last three years. I've been notoriously unlucky in love, and had a tendency to be needy and hang on to people. The last girl I knew before now was this girl named Caitlin who liked this girl from Alaska. So this guy was never around, and I talked with her like every so often. I really couldn't hate the guy, either. So I left.

I made up some excuse to my parents about becoming independent or something (they didn't swallow it, because I'm about the most dependent person they know and asked if I "had a plan"), and I headed out aimlessly with some supplies they packed. Yeah, I mainly just wanted to find some clump of forest, and settle there or something (in this culture of overbearing "free" government, it can't be done anymore to the best of my knowledge), but couldn't even find anywhere to park overnight, so I kept getting forced west and west, until I ended up in my sister's house in Douglas, AZ. I got an apartment (not at ALL worth the price, since you have to pay a deposit of a month's rent), and proceeded to summarily fail at finding a job or settling into the area. I didn't speak Spanish, I didn't have a teaching degree (even though in China they took me, no questions asked, somehow this didn't qualify me in ESL help). So I had to move. My sis found me this website called WWOOF, a site that offers nomadic farming (often for stipends).

My first one was an actual cult. I'm forever against people who try to control people in religion. They misused "whoever leaves his parents and joins me" to twist into an imperative to go join their cult (it's about devotion, the willingness to want to give one's life to others, not ditching family and friends to become dependent on religion). So I left, having also found that the one girl I was attracted to there that I might have joined the cult for, had a bf.

The second one was some conservative folks in Whidbey Island north of Seattle who owned a farm, and homeschooled kids in Bible lessons. I figured they were decent people. They paid me $75 a week (for 8-hour x 5, meaning just under $2 an hr) plus room and board (which is fair, considering the latter). Then I went to a wedding (always a bridesmaid), and came back. It turns out they had no place for me anymore, because they had their own wedding to deal with. But dammit, I liked these people (or thought I did). So I stayed with their son in his off-site apartment. They paid me the $75 and a bit more for groceries. Still okay, but then I managed to piss them off by backing into their car with this big truck. I stupidly tried to play this off with a joke, because frankly it was an accident, and I was at a loss (I later did apologize, not that it changed anything after they "forgave" me). So no, I couldn't stay at the apartment either and ended up being homeless. I wanted to stay for their wedding, but yea, no extra money anymore, and I was eating canned food in a car spending $15 a night at a campground and making $75 a week. I don't care that yes, indeed I was rude (I'm not "good" remember), and hit a truck I insisted beforehand I had no business driving. People who pay you not even the basics to break even over some slight are not Christian, they're hypocrites, and they'd been subtly telling me to "get out of here" since I got back where I have nowhere to go. I stayed for the wedding, where I knew practically nobody, and had to drive off the island to sleep then back on, to logon and try to make new WWOOF arrangements.

So I did a few more WWOOF things, and alot of touring the country for sights (Canadian Niagara Falls, Grand Canyon, and Devil's Tower were impressive, Mount Rushmore was stupid disappointing), running into huge credit card debt in the process. Usually I worked for awhile, only to find I couldn't stay, which should've been obvious because I was looking for a place to belong in what was essentially a temp work organization. So I went home.

I tried to stay in touch with Caitlin, and did a better job than I should've given the circumstances (I know as much, because when I start to care about someone I get deja vu dreams all the time, and they were basically most familiar around the possibility of losing touch far before leaving for Heathsville). But I screwed it up later.

Having been in this new town for awhile, and making a go with small self-employ garden business, I just realized what sort of effect those people in Seattle area (and people like them I've met over the years who use me, and then tell me to clear out) made on me. I literally can't trust anyone. I met some girl in a library, who I'm kinda into. But if I don't explain my reluctance to ask her out, she'll waste her time or lose interest, or more I'll feel like I was leading her on and taking the place of someone who could genuinely make her happy. On the other hand, she seems so happy right now and sorta into me. Breaking her heart would generally be a bad thing, and I generally want to ask her out, I want to spend my time with someone and tell them about my hopes and dreams, and my crossdressing hobby (I'd seriously like to go on a shopping date). Sigh... I want to have actual fun with someone, not be a rootless weirdo who's never been on an authentic date. (Nah, I don't want advice, I've gotta figure this out myself)

So? Any of you had trust broken, or otherwise gotten screwed over?
 
Yes, I have had trust broken, and gotten screwed over.

I wish I could write about things the way you do. I guess all I can say about it is that I think every single human being has at one point or another, been screwed over bad enough were their trust is destroyed for a while, but time heals all wounds.

And sometimes we ourselves (being human and all) do things unintentionally that hurt others, and cause them heartache. This is what causes me the most grief and heartache, the fact that I've hurt others, that is what I have trouble getting over, it's far easier to get over what others have done to me.
 
Time heals wounds because time allows us to forget details, which smooths over things. But I don't have that blessing. I've got a partial photographic memory, which is good for tables and charts in tests, bad for forgetting the past.

I get the horrible sense of everything that's happened to me from what I can remember (a large portion of which is due to the fact that my memories are screwed up in other ways, the deja vu thing basically makes it so I can't distinguish recent future and past). I wish I could have more memories of good times, people actually coming through on their word. I even remember the things I've done to other people, and unlike alot of people don't try to rationalize my actions, by painting myself as a decent person.
 
I used to trust people. It felt good. Then they betrayed me. Consistently. That felt bad. So I became more choosy. I only trusted a select few. Then they betrayed me. That felt really, really bad. So I stopped trusting people. And I got angry. But then I watched people. It became apparent during my time of isolation and observation that all of my "betrayers" were not bad people. They were just people. People are inherently untrustworthy. I was then able to depersonalize all of those negative experiences. No longer was I sad or angry. I was just resolved. I would not trust again. This is part of accepting that we come into this world alone and we leave this world alone and the unfortunate truth is that we are actually alone when we are here. So the question isn't "how do I trust again?" the question is "how do I live a life in the absence of trust?"
 

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