Feel like a failure

Compared to everyone I know, i'm the odd one out when it comes to relationships. I can't ever seem to connect to a girl. I feel like i'm never ''lucky'' for lack of a better word. I will never be the guy to meet a girl on the bus, yet my friends have. Even my parents seem to effortlessly find girlfriends/boyfriends.

It's not that I don't leave the house enough or anything like that. I have to travel every day to college, I have to go shopping, I go drinking with my friends, I go to football matches, I travel during the summer around Europe etc. Why is it I never meet someone? Not once. My brother who is younger than me has started getting interested in girls, and he has at least 3 at a time who are interested in him! He dumped a girl, to get with another one!

I don't even think i'm a bad looking guy. Sure, i could loose a few pounds, or get some slightly cooler clothes, but I look like anybody else!

The one relationship i had (years ago) lasted a month, and I was always second best for her. She was only in a relationship with me because the guy she really loved was with someone else. As soon as he was single, she was off.

I'm sure most people here have heard of "good things happen to those that wait" etc, but the people who say that are the people who never have to wait. I don't want to be jealous or bitter of them, but if i have to spend another year single watching people people in love then i'm gonna be one bitter guy

Welcome! Sorry to hear you are feeling so. There are a lot of people here that can give you good advice.

Hi, I am also sorry that you are feeling so low. There are lots of people here who feel the same way as you do.

Lilianna said:

Welcome! Sorry to hear you are feeling so. There are a lot of people here that can give you good advice.

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Thanks

Tiina63 said:

Hi, I am also sorry that you are feeling so low. There are lots of people here who feel the same way as you do.

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Yeah it seems much more common then I realised. I think the problem is, we don't understand what we've done wrong, or not done right :/

The jealousy over other people being in relationships subsides over time, at least it did for me anyway. I've come to accept that I have very little chance of catching the attention of any woman. Still can't stop me from dreaming though lol.

I can understand envy because it has consumed me in the past. But looking back now I think I wasted a lot of energy on it when it could have been put to better use. Focus on enjoying the moment and you will become fun to be around. Also the ones who are doing well with opposite sex now, may not be doing so well in say 5 or 10 years time. Time has a way of evening up the score. Or they may end up marrying too soon.
Everyone has a different personality. Yours may not naturally attract lots of women but you may attract quality over quantity. Yes I have to say "good things come to those who wait". It did for me.

Hey, welcome to the forums

I may always harp on about how having a relationship shouldn't be the meter-stick you measure your life by, but its true.

I didn't have a proper relationship until I was about 22, and it was only after I was happier in who I already was and stopped comparing myself to other people that I found someone. Even then that relationship didn't last that long, but it was when my "love life" started.

Now 5 years later I'm married and most of the people I was comparing myself to are still bouncing around meaningless relationships and one night stands. If you had asked me when I was about 19/20 if I thought in a few years time I'd be happy and settled relationship-wise I'd be certain when I told you "no chance".

I met my husband online. It was on a free UK dating site called smooch.com and he had messaged me based on some really specific shared interests we both listed, but we both thought we were just looking for friends. We met for a drink that weekend and hit it off. I'm not saying internet dating is always great (I met some real weirdos too) but what I mean to say is that it was our shared interest that brought us together, not looks on a bus or chat up lines on a night out.

Maybe you would meet girls with similar interests by joining a group or club?

Skid Row 89 said:

The jealousy over oth...

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isthatso said:

I can understand env...

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Lady X said:

Hey, welcom...

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Thank you for the responses. I'm moving to London in a few months time, and I hope to join groups etc. Part of my problem is I live in a backwater in rural Britain where it still resembles the 19th century haha. It can leave you feeling fairly trapped.

I'm going to make sure I keep my jealousy in check. It's just so hard to hear girls talk of guys who've messed them about but who "can change" etc. Maybe I just need to meet new people in a new city and start a new life.

Hopefully in 5 years time i'll be happy !

I will never be the guy to meet a girl on the bus

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That right there is your problem. And i mean the "i will never" part, you may not meet a girl on the bus, you could meet her anywhere else, in the end that does not matter at all. But what does matter is your self-confidence.

I'm also sorry to say that, as other people stated as well, looking for a girl will mostly net you none. Think about it, did your friends look for a girl on the bus? If they did then consider my argument invalid. In any case, if your whole life focusses on finding a girl, then it will be miserable when this does not happen. Your only goal in life has not succeeded, so there is no way you can be happy. When you aren't happy, people generally want to take there distance from you, especially people that you don't know/they don't know you. It gives a sort of aura, so to speak. This makes it even harder to get a girl, and harder to complete fulfil your only focus in life, and so the circle is complete and will go on and on. The way to break out of this circle, is to put focus on other things. Focus on college, focus on the nice times out with your friends, smaller things as well, the nice welcome your dog gave you, or anything, you get the point.

I know it's really hard, and to contradict your argument that says people who say you have to wait have it easy, i do not have a girlfriend. However, i am also not focussing on getting one at the moment. I have my new job to focus on, situation at home etc.

I understand if this comes across as harsh, you may shout at me too, however, i am trying to help you. I really am. Like i said though, i don't have a girlfriend, so you can render my complete post invalid, the point is not to get you one though, the point is to get you happy. When that happens, the rest will fall into place.

Here is a metaphore for you, you cannot build the roof of a house without its foundations. You have the foundations, but you need walls first, after you're staying strong with those epic brick walls, the roof will just fall on you. Okay not the best example, but you get the point, well, i hope.

Message me anytime if you need someone to listen, or if you want to shout at me too, i'm open for anything. Take care man!

Rosebolt said:

That right there is yo...

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Hiya mate.

You have some valid points, but just to make it clear, I'm not basing my entire life on getting a girlfriend, nor am I actively looking for one. I did do previously, and as you rightly point out, it doesn't work. It's been a year since then, and i've just let my life take its course, carry on at college, carry on doing the things I enjoy, visiting cities, going out with friends. Yet i've met no-one, and I just feel short-changed when all of my other friends are with girls who they've met randomly on day-to-day things. I'm just wondering what i'm doing wrong :/

Thanks for the response

I don't really think there's much you're doing wrong in that case, but it's apparent you still feel sad about not having a relationship. So what i'd advise is to somehow focus your life completely on the good things, in such a way that not having a girlfriend doesn't really matter anymore. I know how it can be difficult to see your friends getting girls while you don't from recent personal experience even, but that does not have to make your life any less miserable.

Hope that helps, take care!