loneliness sabotaging my love life

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NoRain

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I've basically been lonely for 24 years. My relationships have never lasted more than 3 months and I've come to the conclusion that it's always my fault. Because I've always been alone, I'm used to doing everything alone and leading an independent life, without having to tell anyone where I'm going or who I'm going with. My first "boyfriend" (the whole thing lasted 2 weeks) wanted to be with me 24h a day, and I couldn't take it cause I needed some time for myself. I can't just go from being alone all the time to being with someone all the time. I feel trapped and bored.
Anyway, when I think of a relationship, I don't want to be with that person all the time. I believe people should have lives outside of their relationships!
I know I'm ranting but my point is... I think being lonely is sabotaging my love life. I turn guys down and push them away because I feel this need to be alone. Sure, it'd be nice to have someone, but not all the time. It's almost as if my brain got so used to the idea of being alone that it won't accept anything else! I even get in a really bad mood and act rude when the guy won't let me be alone.

Another thing is, I was talking to this guy the other day and he said that my priorities are wrong. I told him that I was going to wait until I moved to Canada (meaning, I'm going through with my life plan) to go visit my best friend and possible future husband. He said that if I really wanted to be with the guy, I wouldn't wait to move, I'd just go visit him already. But I'm not gonna bet my future on this! So what, I go there, he turns out to be the love of my life, or not, and I lost my chance to move to Canada and start a new career. I think I'm being confusing, not sure if my point is coming across... but I guess the main thing is that my priority is to move to Canada, start a new career and establish myself; the guy said that if I really wanted to be with my friend, I'd make that a priority. But what if it doesn't work? I can't just have my future depend on someone else!
Plus that might have something to do with the fact that I don't want kids, I'd rather have a career instead of babies.

Am I that wrong? Does anyone else feel like this or went through something similar?
 
well, there is a lot of people who need space, even with someone else, nothing wrong with that, you just need to find that special someone who shares the same view.
 
You're being tough on yourself , I mean if you depend everything on someone who does not even care . why would you wanna be in that path? ... Life gets better.
 
Your priorities sound fine to me. Social interaction is nice, sure... but it is not as important as establishing yourself. We'd all like to assume that our friends would and could help us out if something goes wrong. However, it isn't always the case. Sometimes, they turn out to be crappy friends. Sometimes, they turn out to be unstable, themselves. In fact, by neglecting your own career and future, you cause yourself to be one of those unreliable friends who cannot help others.
 
There is nothing wrong with needing space and time to yourself. As peaches said, look for someone who feels the same way.
I also think you are being very sensible re. moving to Canada. You and this guy are not in love with each other (not yet, anyway) so you can't afford to depend too much on things working out between you. It is far better to make sure you can look after yourself, as you are doing, and then seeing if things work out relationshipwise. If they don't, at least you are in a secure position and can look after yourself.
 
As other people pointed out, it only seems logical to me what you're doing.

The idea i'm getting when reading your post though, is that it might be better to look for a close friend first. As in, there won't be any pressure on you to be there for him or her 24/7, well, it's not as likely, and most importantly, your brain can slowly make the transition of being alone all the time to being with people more often.

When that happens, and got that all sorted out, it will be easier to look for a guy you love perhaps, though you also seem to want to go for the guy in Canada as well. And now i stopped making any sense. Oh well, i hope this helped a bit.
 
Peaches said:
well, there is a lot of people who need space, even with someone else, nothing wrong with that, you just need to find that special someone who shares the same view.

I don't mean to sound like a pessimist, but every single person I meet(even my friends) find it slightly odd that I'd want some space from a person I'm romantically attached to. Hopefully I'm just in the wrong place meeting the wrong people, I guess..


Tiina63 said:
There is nothing wrong with needing space and time to yourself. As peaches said, look for someone who feels the same way.
I also think you are being very sensible re. moving to Canada. You and this guy are not in love with each other (not yet, anyway) so you can't afford to depend too much on things working out between you. It is far better to make sure you can look after yourself, as you are doing, and then seeing if things work out relationshipwise. If they don't, at least you are in a secure position and can look after yourself.

Ah, I knew I hadn't been clear enough. The guy is not in Canada, I'm not moving there for him, I'm moving there because I love the city and want to stay there forever (or as long as I feel like). He happens to live a 10h drive from there, in the north region of the US. To make things even more clear, me moving to Canada involves a 3-year course, which means that for 3 years I will most definitely live in Toronto (and after that I'll get a permanent residence and get to stay in the country for a LONG time). I guess the thing is, this guy has been my best friend for 8 years, we love each other, and he mentioned many times how he'd like for me to move to his town. People expect me to just drop my 3-year course (and the permanent residence) and just move in with him if things work out. That's where I've been told that my priorities are wrong, because I'm putting my career and future in Canada first, deciding to stay there no matter what. I do not want to stay in my country and this opportunity in Canada is my way out with the certainty that I won't have to come back. That's why I won't throw it away, even if it's for my best friend of 8 years who has been with me through thick and thin.


Rosebolt said:
As other people pointed out, it only seems logical to me what you're doing.

The idea i'm getting when reading your post though, is that it might be better to look for a close friend first. As in, there won't be any pressure on you to be there for him or her 24/7, well, it's not as likely, and most importantly, your brain can slowly make the transition of being alone all the time to being with people more often.

When that happens, and got that all sorted out, it will be easier to look for a guy you love perhaps, though you also seem to want to go for the guy in Canada as well. And now i stopped making any sense. Oh well, i hope this helped a bit.

I think my biggest problem is that I've had close friends and spent quite a lot of time with them, and even when that happened there came a point where I needed to not see that person for a few days cause I was getting tired of them. And this happened to my closest and dearest friends. My luck is that they knew about it and would make the effort of staying away when they noticed I'd reached my limit. It's like the smallest of things about the person start to annoy me A LOT and I need some time to cool down. It's kinda like that saying "absence makes the heart grow fonder". This saying was created for me.
 
Hi, I am sorry about the mnisunderstanding.
Would he move to Canada to be with you? It seems to me that everyone is telling you that you are the one who should change your plans about where to live and noone is telling him the same thing, but it works both ways. He could move to Canada to be with you.
 
NoRain said:
I don't mean to sound like a pessimist, but every single person I meet(even my friends) find it slightly odd that I'd want some space from a person I'm romantically attached to. Hopefully I'm just in the wrong place meeting the wrong people, I guess..

OMG TELL ME ABOUT IT! How can people NOT need some space!? How can people not even pick up on the cues you're giving them either (when you need some space) and then get all upset about it when you finally have to tell them to leave? Then they'll start looking for reasons why you're 'distancing yourself from them' and build a mountain out of a molehill. It's like come on, don't you trust me at all? Everyone knows that when one person wants space in a relationship, it's because they're cheating! lol people are so immature.
 
I don't understand either how anyone could not want space from time to time. Although I am, like the op, really lonely, I couldn't cope with constant 24/7 togetherness all the time either. Sometimes people need to be alone just to daydream or to do their own thing.
 
This is a personality thing. Some people need a lot of human contact, others not so much. It sounds like the two of you might be at opposite ends of the spectrum. Which may be a problem for you in this particular relationship. You might need someone more like yourself. Although it may be difficult to find someone who doesn't feel rejected by this straight out the gate in the beginning. Not many people can take being pushed away without feeling slighted or insulted.
 

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