Living in silence

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blackdot

Well-known member
Joined
Dec 9, 2011
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Location
Cary, NC
I'm realizing that I live in some weird bubble. Once I leave work, it's as if I don't exist.
I am in a large community service group and I stepped up to run a small project in Feb and also another year long one. Both of these required people to send me e-mails about information. It felt so wonderful to have people contacting me. I loved the attention cause I felt needed. Then I started to look into things and I realized something. If I don't force people to talk to me, I don't exist.
When I take out the e-mails I have gotten this year about the 2 projects, I have had only 1 person contact me. That would be my mom checking in on me twice to see if I was still alive.

I really came upon this thought train the other night. I had laid down to go to sleep and laid there awake for over an hour trying to grasp who it is people talk to all the time on the cell phone either in phone calls or texts. I have never seen a text so I don't know what they are like but I have talked on the phone. But then the only phone calls I get are from sales people. I think I talked on the phone 6-7 times last year and that was me calling someone about something. No one calls me. I get no e-mails. I don't know what texts are like. I'm basically non-existant. If my parents were to die, I would live in complete silence.
I just don't understand who it is people talk to on their cell phones. They are constantly talking or typing. They seem to enjoy it cause they always are laughing about things while talking so someone. Maybe they are talking to themselves. Maybe it's all a lie to make me feel bad. I don't know. I just don't understand how people have other people to talk to. Where do they find them? Do they have to special order them off of Amazon?

Just something that has been baffling me for a few days.
 
I think you're missing something, blackdot ;)

Other than that we all need to talk, so we talk. We all make the effort to do that in varying degree, just like you did in the community service group you participated in :)
I guess people seek out reasons to connect, because we need to share our lives. Some of my happiest times have been when I was naturally in touch with a lot of people because of my routine, even though I've been pretty much the same guy. Maybe it's about putting yourself in places where you'll have the chance to talk to people?
 
blackdot. Please don't take this the wrong way, but get off your ass, go to your closet, put your coat on, and head out into the community EVERY day son!

Go to bars, pool halls, internet cafes, anything. You have to earn friends. You want to know who all these people are talking to and texting with?

Introduce yourself, say hi, something. You will meet people, make friends, and before you know it, you will be one of those people on the street somewhere laughing and joking with someone by way of text/phone, while the former you is across the street wondering who YOU are texting, laughing, and talking with on the phone so much.

You're not a stupid person blackdot. I've seen some of your posts helping me and others. You have a great computer mind. Use it. Use it to make yourself happy. C'mon now.
 
I have no interest in bars since I hate being around alcohol. Internet cafes wouldn't be handy since I don't have a laptop.
I am quite popular in the community service group I am in. I have been a member since 1999. It's just that none of them communicate with me unless I talk to them and even then it's very basic.

I just don't understand the concept of people talking to other people. Phones were already confusing enough. I never was fond of phones. I used to have absolute panic attacks when I had to talk on one. But texting seems like something I could do except that it requires people to be very short. Like Twitter. Something else I don't understand. I believe in communicating. Actually talking. Actually saying something that is more than 1 line long. But most people are horrified by someone actually trying to communicate.

Me just going out is not going to help since I don't know how to meet people if I don't already know them.
 
blackdot said:
I have no interest in bars since I hate being around alcohol. Internet cafes wouldn't be handy since I don't have a laptop.
I am quite popular in the community service group I am in. I have been a member since 1999. It's just that none of them communicate with me unless I talk to them and even then it's very basic.

I just don't understand the concept of people talking to other people. Phones were already confusing enough. I never was fond of phones. I used to have absolute panic attacks when I had to talk on one. But texting seems like something I could do except that it requires people to be very short. Like Twitter. Something else I don't understand. I believe in communicating. Actually talking. Actually saying something that is more than 1 line long. But most people are horrified by someone actually trying to communicate.

Me just going out is not going to help since I don't know how to meet people if I don't already know them.
Click to expand...
If you feel that someone approachable, talk to them and shake their hand and introduce yourself. You have to walk before you can run.
 
Ironically I just got am e-mail from a really cute person I know in the group I am in. Natually it's about one of the projects I am running.
She's really cute and I have even told her that. She has even told me it strange that a great guy like me is still single.
But no, she isn't dating me. She's dating a guy who she says it won't work out with. Plus I'm sure she will say she is way too young for me. The last time I mentioned I wish I could date her, she got very quiet and disappear of a while. Ironically what the other 3 felame friends I had did when i told them I would love to date them. I'm a natural woman scarer.
But dang it, my mood swings way too high when a female speaks to me. Even when I know it's going to lead to no good.
 
I agree with LK and Perfanoff, if the lack of a social life affects you, then you need to go out there and find friends. It may take some time in the beginning, so be patient, and I understand that it can be very daunting to go out there and befriend strangers. Chances are you'll meet a lot of not so nice people, so be prepared for that, but the good ones are out there. Just keep trying.

You can try volunteering at animal shelters, orphanages, old folks homes (around here you can visit the homes and play chess or boardgames with the old people and I tell you they can be super cool). You can try joining classes, maybe something less intimidating like an art class or something so you don't have to immediately start chatting up people. Or cooking class.

Or try what LK suggests, going to a bar or cafe. I find asking for help a particularly useful way to start talking to people. Even if you know the answer. Or offering help.

There's no guarantee that you'll make great friends with people you meet in such scenarios of course, but at least you can talk to people. And you never know who you might meet.

Hope this helps. You come across as a cool guy so I'm sure once you get started you'll be doing better in no time :)
 
blackdot said:
Ironically I just got am e-mail from a really cute person I know in the group I am in. Natually it's about one of the projects I am running.
She's really cute and I have even told her that. She has even told me it strange that a great guy like me is still single.
But no, she isn't dating me. She's dating a guy who she says it won't work out with. Plus I'm sure she will say she is way too young for me. The last time I mentioned I wish I could date her, she got very quiet and disappear of a while. Ironically what the other 3 felame friends I had did when i told them I would love to date them. I'm a natural woman scarer.
But dang it, my mood swings way too high when a female speaks to me. Even when I know it's going to lead to no good.
Click to expand...
Whatever you do, watch where you tread around her current man. It could get quite hairy.
 
Veruca> it doesn't work. I have been in this community group of people my age for almost 14 years now. I have also volunteered with other oganizations and done things with other groups. I can get out and do things. I just can't make friends. I don't grasp the concept of finding people that are actually interested in me.
I've been around 39 years. If it hasn't happened yet, I'm not sure how it ever will.
 
In my opinion, there seems to be different sides to many issues here. In this thread and on this forum in general. It's good to get ideas from everyone because, sometimes, there may be more than one "right" answer.

blackdot, even if it's just one word - or not even a word, a gesture - a blink of an eye - that can mean as much as an hour long speech. It's about the intent behind the words. Having someone talk to you and offer their mind to yours is wonderful. Like LoneKiller said, I also kind of agree that you generally do earn friends. Someone has to know who you are for them to like you. So, if friends are what you're after, you should probably be in situations where someone can see the real you. Not the work you or a you that only exists for a small part of time. The you that is there 24/7 - your thoughts, your way of living. You have to let people in someway somehow to know whether they will like who you are or not.

Maybe that's not at a pool hall or a bar or something typical like that. Maybe it's at a library or a quieter place where orange juice is the drink of choice. I say that with all seriousness. If friends are what you want, you should keep that as a conscious thought and strive to form mutual bonds where you see them and they see you. Friends, in my opinion, are people who know you inside and out and vice verca. People you connect with on a deep level and don't need to be (necessarily) forced into things. A nudge here and there to help a friend is good but communication should come from the heart. People can be fake around work or things of that nature. Look for somewhere that encourages true self openings and slot yourself into that area. Observe at first maybe but don't be afraid to participate.

You're already out in the big world, which is more than alot of people. Now it's just a matter of getting out to the areas that are important to you, aside from just work areas.

blackdot, in your opinion, what are the reasons why you can't make friends?
 
I don't know. If I knew why I couldn't make friends then I wouldn't have that problem. *laughs*
It's like when people find out I can't date. They tell me my problem is I just need to get a date. When I say i don't know how or where they are located. they just tell me to go out and get a date.

I just don't know how friends are made. I know a lot of people. They all like me. They enjoy that i can get the laughing about anything. I just can't make good friends where they want to talk to me.

ok, the sleeping pill i took a little while ago is kicking in. Time to go to bed before I start typing incoherently.
 
blackdot said:
I just don't understand the concept of people talking to other people. Phones were already confusing enough. I never was fond of phones. I used to have absolute panic attacks when I had to talk on one. But texting seems like something I could do except that it requires people to be very short. Like Twitter. Something else I don't understand. I believe in communicating. Actually talking. Actually saying something that is more than 1 line long. But most people are horrified by someone actually trying to communicate.
Click to expand...

Hm. Yes. I had that, and still have that to a significant degree.

I think making smalltalk, breaking the ice, and such are some of the most critical skills in life, as silly as it may sound. I guess practice helps.. and attitude.. and literature, if you're willing to go that way.
 
blackdot said:
It's like when people find out I can't date. They tell me my problem is I just need to get a date. When I say i don't know how or where they are located. they just tell me to go out and get a date.

I just don't know how friends are made. I know a lot of people. They all like me. They enjoy that i can get the laughing about anything. I just can't make good friends where they want to talk to me.
Click to expand...

I don't have the answer to that unfortunately. It seems like a very important question, though. Something that 99% of the population find easily and naturally but that 1% just can't seem to grasp. You seem like a nice person who can make people laugh, so that's a plus. Beyond that... your guess is as good as mine.
 
Toby said:
In my opinion, there seems to be different sides to many issues here. In this thread and on this forum in general. It's good to get ideas from everyone because, sometimes, there may be more than one "right" answer.

blackdot, even if it's just one word - or not even a word, a gesture - a blink of an eye - that can mean as much as an hour long speech. It's about the intent behind the words. Having someone talk to you and offer their mind to yours is wonderful. Like LoneKiller said, I also kind of agree that you generally do earn friends. Someone has to know who you are for them to like you. So, if friends are what you're after, you should probably be in situations where someone can see the real you. Not the work you or a you that only exists for a small part of time. The you that is there 24/7 - your thoughts, your way of living. You have to let people in someway somehow to know whether they will like who you are or not.

Maybe that's not at a pool hall or a bar or something typical like that. Maybe it's at a library or a quieter place where orange juice is the drink of choice. I say that with all seriousness. If friends are what you want, you should keep that as a conscious thought and strive to form mutual bonds where you see them and they see you. Friends, in my opinion, are people who know you inside and out and vice verca. People you connect with on a deep level and don't need to be (necessarily) forced into things. A nudge here and there to help a friend is good but communication should come from the heart. People can be fake around work or things of that nature. Look for somewhere that encourages true self openings and slot yourself into that area. Observe at first maybe but don't be afraid to participate.

You're already out in the big world, which is more than alot of people. Now it's just a matter of getting out to the areas that are important to you, aside from just work areas.

blackdot, in your opinion, what are the reasons why you can't make friends?
Click to expand...
That's **** good advice.
 
I'm a boring person. That's why I have no social life. I make absolutely no effort to talk to or get to know people. Most people are as boring as piss to me and socializing takes way more effort than the yielding results are worth.
 
My lifestyle is extremely boring but that's cause I'm not dating. If I have someone to do things with then I am outgoing. I chameleon to the situation.

It's not making friends or stuff that I don't understand. It's the talking to people. I just don't understand who people are talking to or what they are always talking about on their phones. Maybe they are just talking to themselves. Now that's something I can understand. ha ha ha!
 
Blackdot, I just read your post and, well, I must admit it made me think a lot. Unfortunately, I don't have an useful advice for you, because I'm an asocial and introverted person as well (yeah, when it comes to social skills and personal relationships, I'm extremely dumb).

Anyway, I just wanna send you a big hug. I know this might not help at all, but I hope it makes you feel a little bit better :(
 
blackdot said:
Veruca> it doesn't work. I have been in this community group of people my age for almost 14 years now. I have also volunteered with other oganizations and done things with other groups. I can get out and do things. I just can't make friends. I don't grasp the concept of finding people that are actually interested in me.
I've been around 39 years. If it hasn't happened yet, I'm not sure how it ever will.
Click to expand...

you reject the advice from people everytime !

blackdot said:
My lifestyle is extremely boring but that's cause I'm not dating. If I have someone to do things with then I am outgoing. I chameleon to the situation.

It's not making friends or stuff that I don't understand. It's the talking to people. I just don't understand who people are talking to or what they are always talking about on their phones. Maybe they are just talking to themselves. Now that's something I can understand. ha ha ha!
Click to expand...

it sounds like your miserable because your not dating, it is taking over your life. All your comments seem to be about dating. I am sure it's not as great as you imagine. You get a aload of new problems when you meet somebody !

Stop talking about dating to your female friends, your probably boring them to death !

There's a whole world out there ! Do stuff ! Learn things, become interested in stuff. Forget about dating and girlfriends for awhile !
Live a life !
 
what advice did I reject?
the advice to get out and do things with people? I do that already. That doesn't solve the problem.
 
You should find something like a social activity. Do something that involves teamwork (sign up for a pottery class or something else where you'll definitely meet people). Just meeting some people and hanging out with them is the gateway to a rich social life. To me, it sounds like your isolating yourself. You shouldn't do that. You could also join the website couchsurfing. It's a website where people look for places to stay for free, but there are people who organize stuff too. I live in a pretty small city in the Netherlands and every week I see people who want to start a dining club or go to a movie with others. I've never done something like it but it seems fun. People organize movie nights, trips to stuff etc. etc. Foreigners are also asking for people to give them a tour/show them around, you might like to do that, it's an easy way to get to know strangers (who are probably very nice).

If you have a few friends you can go out with them or do whatever you like, meet new people etc. etc.
 

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