Falling back into acceptance

Hello, I’ve been wanting to write something, anything really on this forum, I don't know if I really want a topic of my own, but since I can’t really get myself to write anything anywhere else, I might as well talk a bit about myself I guess.

When I joined this forum a little while ago I was feeling really terrible, and I was feeling worse every day. Though nothing did improve I’ve calmed down now. It’s a pattern in my life. Sometimes I just get fed up with my life and try to fix it. I spend a lot of time thinking and writing things down on what I can do. But in the end thinking about life is what depresses me. I’m trapped in an endless circle of emptiness and loneliness. After months of thinking I always come up with the same conclusion. There is only one way to deal with this. Accept it, and so eventually I fall back into the stage of acceptance. I try to spend as little time possible thinking, and just “waste” my time with video game. It’s not that I particularly feel like playing games, it’s just that I still prefer them over other things and I wouldn’t know what else to do anyways. Though there is still frustration in defeat there is little satisfaction in victory. Only rarely will I ever play a game that can make me feel motivated and makes me feel good.

I’m basically an empty person. There is nothing I really like anymore, and there is nothing I really do. I look at this forum and read a lot of topics, but I have nothing to say, there is nothing I can or feel like sharing. It’s not like I’m shy or afraid to write my opinion about things, I just don’t really have an opinion. And really I feel for everyone here who is struggling with life, I wish everyone all the best, but I really don’t have any idea what I could write to support or help you.

Sure saying there is nothing I like is a little bit exaggerated, but the truth is I don’t like a whole lot. For every movie I like you will probably be able to name 10 movies you like, for every band I listen to you will find 5 bands you like. Even on things that I “like” I’m way more selective then other people. When you don’t really have something in common with anyone else, it becomes a lot more difficult to talk to people.

But even with common subjects I can’t really talk well. Just small talk about the news and the weather and “how are you” really is even worse. So overall I’m bad at conversations. In a way I don’t even like talking. It’s a bit contradictory, I feel lonely and want to talk to people, but in a way I don’t because my conversations go nowhere anyways.

I just can’t get out. No interest -> no common topics -> no subjects to talk about -> no talking -> no friends. I’ve actually got 2 friends lefts, who have been friends for a quite a while now. It's not like I see or talk to them a lot but I guess some people must be able to find something that Is good/interesting about me, why else would they still bother, there are plenty of more social and interesting people in the world, I’m sure I’m about the most difficult person to talk to they know.

I have no idea where I’m going with this. There is no question or real conclusion here. I just decided to post this as I’ve made several attempts to make a more dramatic topic while I was in a somewhat more depressive state (I always ended up just deleting the word documents and not posting them…). This is just my vision on my situation. Sometimes all you can do is accept that you can’t get out right now, all you can do is wait for an opportunity and take it when comes. I just have to keep hoping that this opportunity will one day present itself to me, that I will see it when it arrives and that I will be able to use it to bring about a change.

This was probably more of a diary thing post, but I kinda want people to be able to comment on it. Maybe some conversation or something will happen.

Heeyy,

First off, very good of you to have posted this, i hope this lays the foundation of posting more.

Sometimes all you can do is accept that you can’t get out right now, all you can do is wait for an opportunity and take it when comes.

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No. If you wait for a plane to crash into your neighbours house because you want them to leave, then it's very likely to take a while, or never happen at all.

When you are born, you're just there, you're just chilling in your diaper and all that stuff, not really something you particularly like. When you get older, you try things out, and see, hey, that's cool, i'll do that more often. That's something that comes to my mind when i read this, not that you should go and chill in a diaper, but to try some things you haven't tried before. Maybe you're kind of a sporty person but don't really like any sport? Try Parkour of Freerunning? Catch my drift?

Another thing, you always have something in common with someone else, and that is that you like being alive. Now what does that get you? Perhaps nothing. But what is it about living that you like? There are so many different talk groups or just groups or clubs you could join. The quantity of said groups is probably more diverse than the ammount of human beings on this earth.

About posting on the forum, you could for example just say "i know how that feels, hang in there" Something short but not negative or mean in any way. That way you're contributing and don't have a high mountain to climb when it comes to posting. You could also start posting on the game threads, short answers about pretty much anything, it's fun, trust me.

I hope this helps a little bit.

It's not only waiting for an opportunity, Mind's Armor. A good man makes his own luck - and his own life. One can create their own reality.

It seems to me you've lost seeing the colors in life. Correct me if I'm wrong. But if that's true, you need to understand.. even people who are terminally ill, or are severely crippled, are able to smile. What does this prove? That how full of color your life is... depends on you. If you search for the beauty, for the good, the funny, in everything, this positive aura goes around you, and your life rearranges to suit it.

And really believe that just searching in yourself, trying, falling down, getting up and trying again, the desire to live a good life, has that power to make it. It has worked for me, at the very least.

Sorry to hear that you feel this way. Its normal to feel demotivated and to lose interest in things when depressed. But if I have learnt one thing from life, its that opportunity presents itself when you look for it. Most of the time, things dont change unless you make them change. But I understand that finding the will to do something is tough.

Perhaps you can talk to a professional or take a small step by thinking about doing something that gives you great joy or used to.

I used to be very depressed and I got out of it by realizing that no one was going to come for me, I wasnt going to get what I wanted unless I worked hard to attain them. Its hard to explain but you have to believe in yourself and self worth. And you have to keep visualizing the life you want, that will make you happy. And if you fail and cant proceed with one goal, think up another, something else that makes you feel good.

This may all be very hard to consider at this point but perhaps you can start with something small? What small thing can you do now that will improve the way you feel?

Thank you all for replying !

Maybe you're kind of a sporty person but don't really like any sport? Try Parkour of Freerunning? Catch my drift?

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I have tried some activities over the years. The problem with sport clubs or clubs of any kind is that they're extablished communities and that with my lack of social skills it's extermely difficult to become part of them. I'll give one example, I actually like badminton, during my studies students could play on some evenings so I tried to convince some people I knew to come with me, that didn't work out. So whatever, I'll just go there by myself. But all the students there come in groups of 2 or 4, there is no room for the lonely loner who comes alone... so after going twice and not being able to play at all I kinda gave up on that. Similar things have happened at other places. I could write more examples, but I don't think that would do anyone any good.

It seems to me you've lost seeing the colors in life. Correct me if I'm wrong. But if that's true, you need to understand.. even people who are terminally ill, or are severely crippled, are able to smile. What does this prove? That how full of color your life is... depends on you. If you search for the beauty, for the good, the funny, in everything, this positive aura goes around you, and your life rearranges to suit it.

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It would be cool if it worked like that, but I disagree. From my experience, if you approach life with good intentions it will usually just kick you in the nuts or some other uncomfortable place. I can still see colors, it is because there is so little good that I probably appreciate the small happy moments in life a lot more then others would.

I used to be very depressed and I got out of it by realizing that no one was going to come for me, I wasnt going to get what I wanted unless I worked hard to attain them. Its hard to explain but you have to believe in yourself and self worth. And you have to keep visualizing the life you want, that will make you happy. And if you fail and cant proceed with one goal, think up another, something else that makes you feel good.

This may all be very hard to consider at this point but perhaps you can start with something small? What small thing can you do now that will improve the way you feel?

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Several years ago I was a lot more depressed then I am now. I'm acctually hesitant to call myself depressed, but I guess feeling lonely and empty kinda point in that direction. Self confidence is not really a problem for me, for example I'm quite confident in my technical skills (studied IT, passed with good grades and little effort)

However "visualizing the life you want" is something I cannot do. It's something I spend a lot of time on, but I don't know what I want. I dream of finding a dream worth living for.



Might add some stuff later, but it's 1am now, I'm going to sleep.

What gives you the most meaning in life?

perfanoff said:

you need to understand.. even people who are terminally ill, or are severely crippled, are able to smile. What does this prove? That how full of color your life is... depends on you. If you search for the beauty, for the good, the funny, in everything, this positive aura goes around you, and your life rearranges to suit it.

And really believe that just searching in yourself, trying, falling down, getting up and trying again, the desire to live a good life, has that power to make it. It has worked for me, at the very least.

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Veruca said:

I used to be very depressed and I got out of it by realizing that no one was going to come for me, I wasnt going to get what I wanted unless I worked hard to attain them. Its hard to explain but you have to believe in yourself and self worth. And you have to keep visualizing the life you want, that will make you happy. And if you fail and cant proceed with one goal, think up another, something else that makes you feel good.

This may all be very hard to consider at this point but perhaps you can start with something small? What small thing can you do now that will improve the way you feel?

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My sentiments exactly in the above quoted posts.

And what Veruca said, start small. Do something that makes you feel good, it can be anything - volunteer at a shelter or help a friend or just donating. Something that makes you feel good about yourself.

Well coming here is start. Like Rosebolt said join in some of the games, start small. When you read something you have an opinion on, post that opinion.

You say you are bad at conversations, well join in here, you get a bit more time to respond than a normal conversation, perhaps it will then help you in the 'real world'.

So I encourage you to join in, who knows where your next step might take you?