LifeIsElusive
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- Feb 25, 2013
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Yeah, so Im a guy and I live in north carolina and go to school at a university in raleigh. Things feel pretty dismal all the time. I've got great grades and free time to spare but, like many people on this site I presume, I don't really have any friends. Let me tell you a little about my self and situation if you're interested in reading. So there are many things coming to a head right now in my life that are less than stellar. I've lived in the area my whole life. Had a really great girlfriend through most of high school from which we broke up (it was mostly my stupidity but no need to get into that.. its a learning experience... whatever.). I of course had friends that were shared friends but I happened to get in a fight with them at the time and pretty much lost all contact with anyone for my last semester of high school. It wasn't as bad as it sounds since I did talk to some people and somewhat made brief friendships until then I had another girlfriend pretty soon after the breakup with my long term relationship, but this oneI liked just as much. Unfortunately,that one didn't last =/ and was kind of a major heart-breaker leaving me alone my first year of college. It was a combo of my overbearingness and her horrid communication skills, but again.. its in the past.. despite the fact that I still try to text her to hangout because the last time I was happy with my life was the time I was with her.
So there I am my first year in college not knowing anyone because I spent welcome week being with my girlfriend and so I spend the rest of that semester suffering through awkward passes in the hallway and filling the emptiness with 12 hour days of school and studying... Naturally I got burned out and switched my major from engineering to biology.. a little more laid back and less thought provoking.. at least for intro courses.. Now almost a junior but have spent the past 2 years of my college experience... we'll.. feeling pretty shitty about my whole college experience, my lack of relationships, and lack of direction.
The two years so far have really been very poor when it comes to my social life. I've tried to go out and meet people and do so with moderate success, but it never turns into a real friendship where I become part of the group and get invited to go do things. So after a while those people I met drift back to being strangers and makes passing them by awkward at times. Even when I invite them to go to dinner ( I think they know I don't really have any friends) or anything I usually don't get a willing response... or they're going with their friends and we can "meet up" at the place. It just never works out and people never seem to find me superficially interesting enough to get to know me. It's really frustrating and also blows holes in my self-esteem. There were times in my school career where I was that cocky kid with all the friends and now I'm the guy nobody knows and doesn't remember my face (or they pretend to). I used to date really pretty girls, but now I can't even befriend the moderately attractive ones.. I don't understand why I don't make new friendships.. I'm a really cool guy with very unique interests and not one to go along with fads, but I don't do anything crazy either, I'm just a really chill dude.
For a while I went to the gym and would run almost every day, and I started doing some rock climbing, met a girl.. got shot down.. what's new. It worked for a while but the rejection just made me stop working out and exercising kind of lost some of its initial positivity effect that I felt originally as if I was going somewhere with my life or helping shape the person I wanted to be.. in reality I see I have a million other problems.
So the reason I'm writing all this is mainly provoked by this past and upcoming week. One of my best friends (I have 2 friends that I befriended in 4th grade which I still hangout with whenever possible) tried to kill himself this past week. Fortunately he is a fuckup and failed, but that's just more stress to deal with. Yeah, I'm mad at him and it's going to be a major pain in the ass to try and turn his head around. He pisses me off for doing all this bull and it's all over a stupid girl too. I would think about suicide during that one year of pure loneliness in college but was never actually serious about the act.. it was more of a mental comforting mechanism in a sick way I guess. I mean that one year I literally had weeks where I don't think I even spoke a word, wrote a text, or had a notification on facebook.. it was horribly lonely. Now I'm not much better. I have small convos every now and then but its usually initiated by me.. and isn't very long.
Beside my stupid friend, in a few days its going to be my 21st birthday. I feel like crying even writing this. My life just seems so pathetic, so sad. I'm about to be 21 and haven't accomplished anything significant (I won't say I never will because I don't want a self-fulfilling prophecy). My social life belongs in the toilet and I just don't see happy days as I get older. College is supposed to be one of the greatest times in peoples lives..but its just one of the most painfully numb and isolating experiences I've had so far with 2 years to go. But anyways for my birthday I think it'll just be my mom, sister, and her boyfriend to probably go to dinner somewhere with me. I can't say I'm really excited, so I should probably cry tonight and tomorrow so I can get through my birthday faking it. Honestly, I don't feel there is much in my life to celebrate, sure my 2 good friends and mom and sister but.. its not adequate to fulfill my personal needs.
I need love in my life, I'm a romantic guy. Maybe it was easier to find love back then because I played football and lacrosse, so besides my sick skills (joking, although I started football) my body probably looked a little more buff.
In reality I think people just recognize I'm a lonely person and take on the "I don't want to deal with that" or "there must be something wrong with him" attitudes. I just don't fit in. I'm going skydiving soon though so at least if I die people will remember me as being adventurous. Idk, I feel like I've analyzed this box I'm in for a long long time.. it doesn't seem to be decaying anytime soon.
Thanks,
^^I'm probably not supposed to post this here.. but sorry, forgive the noobs they just want to be heard
So there I am my first year in college not knowing anyone because I spent welcome week being with my girlfriend and so I spend the rest of that semester suffering through awkward passes in the hallway and filling the emptiness with 12 hour days of school and studying... Naturally I got burned out and switched my major from engineering to biology.. a little more laid back and less thought provoking.. at least for intro courses.. Now almost a junior but have spent the past 2 years of my college experience... we'll.. feeling pretty shitty about my whole college experience, my lack of relationships, and lack of direction.
The two years so far have really been very poor when it comes to my social life. I've tried to go out and meet people and do so with moderate success, but it never turns into a real friendship where I become part of the group and get invited to go do things. So after a while those people I met drift back to being strangers and makes passing them by awkward at times. Even when I invite them to go to dinner ( I think they know I don't really have any friends) or anything I usually don't get a willing response... or they're going with their friends and we can "meet up" at the place. It just never works out and people never seem to find me superficially interesting enough to get to know me. It's really frustrating and also blows holes in my self-esteem. There were times in my school career where I was that cocky kid with all the friends and now I'm the guy nobody knows and doesn't remember my face (or they pretend to). I used to date really pretty girls, but now I can't even befriend the moderately attractive ones.. I don't understand why I don't make new friendships.. I'm a really cool guy with very unique interests and not one to go along with fads, but I don't do anything crazy either, I'm just a really chill dude.
For a while I went to the gym and would run almost every day, and I started doing some rock climbing, met a girl.. got shot down.. what's new. It worked for a while but the rejection just made me stop working out and exercising kind of lost some of its initial positivity effect that I felt originally as if I was going somewhere with my life or helping shape the person I wanted to be.. in reality I see I have a million other problems.
So the reason I'm writing all this is mainly provoked by this past and upcoming week. One of my best friends (I have 2 friends that I befriended in 4th grade which I still hangout with whenever possible) tried to kill himself this past week. Fortunately he is a fuckup and failed, but that's just more stress to deal with. Yeah, I'm mad at him and it's going to be a major pain in the ass to try and turn his head around. He pisses me off for doing all this bull and it's all over a stupid girl too. I would think about suicide during that one year of pure loneliness in college but was never actually serious about the act.. it was more of a mental comforting mechanism in a sick way I guess. I mean that one year I literally had weeks where I don't think I even spoke a word, wrote a text, or had a notification on facebook.. it was horribly lonely. Now I'm not much better. I have small convos every now and then but its usually initiated by me.. and isn't very long.
Beside my stupid friend, in a few days its going to be my 21st birthday. I feel like crying even writing this. My life just seems so pathetic, so sad. I'm about to be 21 and haven't accomplished anything significant (I won't say I never will because I don't want a self-fulfilling prophecy). My social life belongs in the toilet and I just don't see happy days as I get older. College is supposed to be one of the greatest times in peoples lives..but its just one of the most painfully numb and isolating experiences I've had so far with 2 years to go. But anyways for my birthday I think it'll just be my mom, sister, and her boyfriend to probably go to dinner somewhere with me. I can't say I'm really excited, so I should probably cry tonight and tomorrow so I can get through my birthday faking it. Honestly, I don't feel there is much in my life to celebrate, sure my 2 good friends and mom and sister but.. its not adequate to fulfill my personal needs.
I need love in my life, I'm a romantic guy. Maybe it was easier to find love back then because I played football and lacrosse, so besides my sick skills (joking, although I started football) my body probably looked a little more buff.
In reality I think people just recognize I'm a lonely person and take on the "I don't want to deal with that" or "there must be something wrong with him" attitudes. I just don't fit in. I'm going skydiving soon though so at least if I die people will remember me as being adventurous. Idk, I feel like I've analyzed this box I'm in for a long long time.. it doesn't seem to be decaying anytime soon.
Thanks,
^^I'm probably not supposed to post this here.. but sorry, forgive the noobs they just want to be heard