Feels like I'm stuck

This has been going through my mind for a while now and I feel like it's time i finally get this out. (Bit of a rant, sorry)

For the past few months, I've started looking for a job. Been going to univerity for the last 4 years with hopes of getting a good job like everyone else.But once I've finally gotten out, there's nothing I can get.

Now that I don't have school, I no longer have anythign to distract myself from.. well myself. The more I look at what's around me the more I tell myself... I hate this. It feels like everything is a mess. I've gone to university, tried the best I can, but have nothing to show for it. can't even get a job with this. I have to do one more driving test to get my full license, but I hate being in that hell filled four-wheeled steel box. Every memory I've had with that thing called a car has just been my father yelling at me, telling me everything I do is wrong. I stop wrong, I turn wrong. Well if everything I do is wrong then FREAKIN TELL ME WHAT TO DO! BUT NO! Ever since those experiences, I think it jsut transfered to everything else in my life. The idea that everything I'm doing is wrong. To my father, everything I've done is wrong. My choice of friends is wrong, choosing not to go into a master program is wrong, not gelling my HAIR when I go out is WRONG.

I think the worst part of this is that everytime I tried to talk back, he just yells more saying that I'm wrong. Overtime, I've jsut learned to stay quiet and let the waves of wrong hit me. Now, I can't really even express myself. Like I find it almost impossible to tell ppl what I really think or feel. To be honest, even typing all this now took me a good while. I'm just finally saying now because... I don't tihnk I can take it anymore. I want to be heard, but I don't feel like I can speak freely to anyone anymore. Ive opened up to some ppl I've met on the forum, but... it doesn't feel like it's enough. I appreciate all those I've met and have helped me, but it feels like i have so much pain inside I just want to cry on someone's shoulder for a whole 24 hours. But there's no1.

I have to admit, I thought that typing this out would help me relieve some of this stress. And it has. I'm glad I've expressed myself here. I'm sorry for all the errors in my writting, it's been a while since I've written anything.

Clearly a daddy issue for you. Be happy, at least you've got one.
I'm sorry to hear that, it must be hard to live like that.

Anyway, best of luck with your job hunt. And your grammar is just fine

It's probably wrong, or difficult, but it's also probably one of his ways showing his care. I had a dad like that too.

Try to take it easy, even though it's not. Try to be more positive, the more you think about how wrong whatever you're doing and how wrong everything is, that's just how it's going to turn out. All the best, Wailun. *hugs*

ladyforsaken said:

It's probably wrong, or difficult, but it's also probably one of his ways showing his care. I had a dad like that too.

Try to take it easy, even though it's not. Try to be more positive, the more you think about how wrong whatever you're doing and how wrong everything is, that's just how it's going to turn out. All the best, Wailun. *hugs*

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I can only agree with Lady.

Jobs are not so easy to get at the moment so it's not a reflection on you, good luck.

I just want to thank everyone whose helped me after I posted this.

To be honest, when I started typing I didn't intend for it to be about my issues with my dad. I actually had no idea what to write for a long time when I was writing it. I just felt like I need to start somewhere. And this was the first thing that came up to mind. And while I was typing, everything felt like a mess after I typed it out.

I've always had a hard time expressing myself. Since I've mostly been taught to keep my mouth shut. It takes a while for me to open up. Even then, it takes an even longer time to express what I really think or feel.

I mainly started typing this post because I've been feeling so much stress from my current situation. After finishing school, you'd expect things to get easier. No more papers, tests, etc. But I personally am finding it more stressful. Without school, I no longer have a legitimate distraction I can use as an excuse from the things that are bothering me. I think I mentioned this before, but I feel like I can finally properly express this. Now that I can't tell myself, " I have no time, I have to study" the thoughts of being unskilled to get a job, being such an emotionally needy person, being the black sheep of my own family, being absolutely terrified of failure, are all that I think about now. I can't even distract myself with games anymore to take a load off. When I try to find something I can at least ease this tension, those thoughts don't go away.

As strange as it is to say this, but I kind of miss school being this protective barrier around me. A barrier that would shield me from myself, and is more commonly regarded as important by society. it's strange, sad, but all the more true to how I feel.

the mind is the most powerful tool you can have. but also the biggest bane in your life.

life is also about many leaps of faith, big or small. nothing happens unless you do it. Be strong and have confidence. hesitating automatically reduces your performance. even if a person is expert on an subject, hesitating will allow them mistakes they wouldnt normally make.

so just be strong. take it head on. if you fall, take the scrapes and cuts like man. its okay to use band-aids =p and keep going.

oh, and last of all. dont compare with people and dont give in to pressure.

Hi there Wailun. Thanks for taking the time to respond again. I understand where your coming from.

Sometimes people just need to get away from life and relax. Whether through school, work, hobbies, music, games, or occasionally dropping by the bar to get away; many people do like to escape and take a break to unwind. People of all shapes and sizes, even trouble free guys who you'd never suspect had anything difficult to live with. You are by no means alone here. Some people just want to spend some alone time and that's okay. What isn't okay is being so anxious that it's difficult coping with it. You might think that your inarticulate but phrases like absolutely terrified are very powerful. I'm sorry that your in this position right now. Nobody wants to feel sad and you've described for of all us a burden of sadness that you carry with you. Post-graduation can be really tough and that's nothing to be ashamed of.

I once used to feel so anxious all the time because of my ailing health. My normal coping mechanisms had become all consuming and I became a shut-in. That's not okay. The only way to dig yourself out of being stuck is to put yourself out there. I know that it can be scary having that barrier gone. But if you do feel terrified, and sad, it's important to talk about it. If writing about things helps you feel better then by all means please continue writing. This is a safe place that's judgement free.

Regumika said:

the mind is the most powerful tool you can have. but also the biggest bane in your life.

life is also about many leaps of faith, big or small. nothing happens unless you do it.

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I live by this.

Hi Wailun. I'm a grad student now but will soon be joining you in the fetid pool of slime and shame that is today's job market. Yaaaay.

Pardon me if I'm wrong, but judging from your username, are you and your parents Chinese? Because I can totally relate to what you're saying and I believe internalizing all the criticism from parents is something a lot of kids in Asian families end up dealing with. My parents are exactly the same way. Every time they talk to me it's to tell me that I'm doing everything ALL WRONG. I don't socialize like a "normal" 24-year old, I should have applied to medical school instead, I'm lazy, I don't take good enough care of my car, etc and forever to infinity. I went home this past spring break and my mom didn't say one word to me that wasn't at least some sort of veiled criticism. I've learned to tune all this out myself, for the sake of my sanity.

Yes, I know our parents want the best for us, and it just happens that the best way to get someone's attention is to tell them that they suck. But at some point we have to remember that we are also adults, we have our own ways of dealing with problems and we have the right to think for ourselves after we reach a certain point in life. The difficulty lies in learning to express your own desires after a lifetime of being told how to act and think. You are NOT an extension of your dad and he isn't right to talk to you like you're 10 years old and don't know any better.

Anyway, sorry for posting my own rant on top of yours. But I think we're in the same boat here, and I hope this helps you put things in perspective. Good luck with your job search!