Are you willing to "settle" for certain things in order to get married?

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angel_in_view

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Hello. Its been a long time since i've been here, but I knew this would be the place to get good opinions!

I was wondering if anyone else on the board feels as if they have to settle in order to get married or have known someone who has done that? I have a really close friend who feels this way and as I talk w/her about things, I find myself @ a loss as far as any advice to give her. I simply listen and try to understand.

She is in her mid 30's & is currently dating a really nice man. She said he's not "everything" she'd want in a mate, but at this point, she feels like if she doesn't try to stick w/him, it may be another 4-5 yrs b4 she finds someone else decent enough to consider being with. I felt really sorry for her when she said that. She made herself sound like a total loser...which she's not. I told her while I understand that NONE of us are perfect, I don't think she should have to just go "with whatever" in order to say she has a man. There are several things that she's unhappy/disgusted about when it comes to this relationship but its like she tries to convince herself that none of those things r unfavorable enough for her to stop seeing him. For example:

-He works really crazy hours, so she only gets to see him/go out w/him once or twice a month

- He has 2 boys from a previous marriage(8 & 11) and while she likes them, she could care less about being a potential step-mom. She doesn't even want kids of her own.

-He's "shellshocked" when it comes to relationships bc of getting out of a bad marriage. So she feels like a lot of times, he's just as much of a child as his kids are. She feels like she has to tell him stuff that he should already know(importance of holidays, basic dating rules...like actually planning stuff w/o having to always take the lead, etc). That has been really irritating for her, bc she wants to actually feel like he's interested in her w/o having to tell him everything.

As I said, I try to listen and understand, but I don't know what else to tell her. My sister thinks that although this man is nice, he seems to just like the company and isn't really interested in turning this into anything else. I personally don't know WHAT to think as I've never been in a situation like that. I just hate to see my friend hang on to something and wake up one day years from now and realize she's wasted valuable time that could have been spent on someone who wants the same thing as her. I feel like life is too short to waste it on an "in the meantime, guy."
 
She said he's not "everything" she'd want in a mate, but at this point, she feels like if she doesn't try to stick w/him, it may be another 4-5 yrs b4 she finds someone else decent enough to consider being with.
this is the fear she is having. something she can partially decide.

I don't think she should have to just go "with whatever" in order to say she has a man.
to emphasize "in order to say she has a man." One should not get married (or be in a relationship) to have social status or confirmation for success in life. A relationship/marriage is for you and your partner, it has nothing to do with the world (with exception to marriage, because there are laws regarding whether or not you are married, such as taxes, insurance etc..)

There are several things that she's unhappy/disgusted about when it comes to this relationship but its like she tries to convince herself that none of those things r unfavorable enough for her to stop seeing him.
imo, if she has issues enough to talk about it, then it IS unfavorable enough for her to stop seeing him. but the fear from point 1 is talking in this quote.

although this man is nice, he seems to just like the company and isn't really interested in turning this into anything else.
from what I gather, it would seem that in this situation SHE is the one that just like to have company.

--

hm. from basically going through this situation personally. and having a lot of deep thoughts over the months.. the above are my opinions. It is really good that your friend is even thinking about this enough to talk about it. she CAN talk to him about it, but that is it. Do not give ultimatums. Ultimatums do not turn out well.. in the end.
 
angel_in_view said:
Hello. Its been a long time since i've been here, but I knew this would be the place to get good opinions!

I was wondering if anyone else on the board feels as if they have to settle in order to get married or have known someone who has done that? I have a really close friend who feels this way and as I talk w/her about things, I find myself @ a loss as far as any advice to give her. I simply listen and try to understand.

She is in her mid 30's & is currently dating a really nice man. She said he's not "everything" she'd want in a mate, but at this point, she feels like if she doesn't try to stick w/him, it may be another 4-5 yrs b4 she finds someone else decent enough to consider being with. I felt really sorry for her when she said that. She made herself sound like a total loser...which she's not. I told her while I understand that NONE of us are perfect, I don't think she should have to just go "with whatever" in order to say she has a man. There are several things that she's unhappy/disgusted about when it comes to this relationship but its like she tries to convince herself that none of those things r unfavorable enough for her to stop seeing him. For example:

-He works really crazy hours, so she only gets to see him/go out w/him once or twice a month

- He has 2 boys from a previous marriage(8 & 11) and while she likes them, she could care less about being a potential step-mom. She doesn't even want kids of her own.

-He's "shellshocked" when it comes to relationships bc of getting out of a bad marriage. So she feels like a lot of times, he's just as much of a child as his kids are. She feels like she has to tell him stuff that he should already know(importance of holidays, basic dating rules...like actually planning stuff w/o having to always take the lead, etc). That has been really irritating for her, bc she wants to actually feel like he's interested in her w/o having to tell him everything.

As I said, I try to listen and understand, but I don't know what else to tell her. My sister thinks that although this man is nice, he seems to just like the company and isn't really interested in turning this into anything else. I personally don't know WHAT to think as I've never been in a situation like that. I just hate to see my friend hang on to something and wake up one day years from now and realize she's wasted valuable time that could have been spent on someone who wants the same thing as her. I feel like life is too short to waste it on an "in the meantime, guy."

Couldn't. Couldn't care less.

Anyway, the kids live with him or with the mother?

Can she imagine marrying someone she goes on dates with so rarely? Is she going to be happy like that? Only she knows about but but she must be realistic and not expect things, especially him or his attitude, to change radically.

Um, nobody is everything you can wish in a mate. How odd to even say that.
 
What's the point of marriage if you can't enjoy the other person?

Sounds like the guy is the one not willing to settle more than your friend. I doubt she could "settle" for him if she tried. =P
 
Well she better be prepared to be their stepmother if she wants anything serious with this guy. They're a huge part of his life I am sure.

If that's a deal breaker for her sure, but she needs to make choices instead of wishing and waiting for the impossible to happen.
 
Settle to get married? HELL no. You're spending the rest of your life with the person you marry. You really wanna spend 40 years with someone you're not 100% on? I mean, I've had roommates who were good friends of mine that I got really sick of during the course of like, a semester.

Marriage is a leftover thing from the past to me. I don't think human beings are designed for it.
 
Hi there angel_in_view. I'm wondering if your username is inspired by the person we're talking about?

I wish that I could help you out here. Most relationships usually fail within the first year of living together. (The relationships that do fail, that is.) That's when people discover they can't stand each other. Just like what Among the Sleep said about his roommates. That might not be the most comforting thought, but if she really doesn't like the relationship, it's up to her to realize it and move on.
 
I have no problems with the idea of settling on certain things to get married. I won't get married otherwise since the only person I have ever found that matched me is dead.
I find myself more and more having to "settle" on people to send messages to on dating websites. I know we aren't a match but something is better than nothing.

now I still won't date someone that has been married before or has kids. That's just way too much to settle for.
 
I don't think that someone should settle for anything they don't want for themselves. Personally, I'd never settle for anything less that what I feel like I deserve, for example, someone who won't beat me and such. However, I don't think it's "settling" if people overlook imperfections or if you overlook the fact that maybe they aren't exactly what you thought they were. People grow on you. So I wouldn't limit allowing myself to get to know someone because of things that would initially put me off.
 
blackdot said:
now I still won't date someone that has been married before or has kids. That's just way too much to settle for.

No offense, BD, but at the age you are now, unless you start dating WAY younger women, that choice makes your potential dating pool pretty darn small.
Disclaimer: Not talking badly about your personal preferences here, just pointing out that the older a woman gets, the more likely she is to have been married and/or have children.

Edit: And when I saw the "grow on you" comment, I thought wart, not fungus. :p
 
EveWasFramed said:
No offense, BD, but at the age you are now, unless you start dating WAY younger women, that choice makes your potential dating pool pretty darn small.

I know that. Hence why I always dreaded getting this old and still single.
There is mathematically no way I can date someone that has kids already. I will have no connection with the kids and won't have any feelings for them. They belong to 2 other people, not me. Plus with the lack of dating experience I have, having kids in the way would just complicate things.

I also can't see myself dating someone that was already married. Just doesn't feel right.

And if I included the list of other things I have been picky about, the list of women in this country that would fit drops to about a total of 5. *laughs* Which is why I say there are some things I an willing to "settle" on. That at least increases the number of people to in the 100's.
 
I would never get married due to the fact that I am not religious and I know that no God can keep two people together, so "making a promise with God" that two people will stay together is plain dumb in my opinion. As I see it, it only makes it difficult to be happy later on if the marriage goes down south if you know what I mean. Nowadays, most marriages do just that.
 
blackdot said:
EveWasFramed said:
No offense, BD, but at the age you are now, unless you start dating WAY younger women, that choice makes your potential dating pool pretty darn small.

I know that. Hence why I always dreaded getting this old and still single.
There is mathematically no way I can date someone that has kids already. I will have no connection with the kids and won't have any feelings for them. They belong to 2 other people, not me. Plus with the lack of dating experience I have, having kids in the way would just complicate things.

I also can't see myself dating someone that was already married. Just doesn't feel right.

And if I included the list of other things I have been picky about, the list of women in this country that would fit drops to about a total of 5. *laughs* Which is why I say there are some things I an willing to "settle" on. That at least increases the number of people to in the 100's.

I can understand your point of view and really do with you the best of luck in finding someone.
 
the guy doesn't sound like he is ever going to marry her, it sounds like he wants a bit of fun a couple times a month. If she wants to get married so badly, why doesn't she look for a guy who actually wants to spend time with her, kids or no kids?
 
Defenstrate: No, the username is totally unrelated to my friend. Its in reference to someone dear to me that passed away a few yrs ago. ;)

Blackdot: For yrs, my friend was the same way. The potential mate couldn't have kids. Well, the older she got, the more she realized finding someone like that was becoming harder. So, she let go a little & started seeing men who had kids BUT they had to have custody of them. The reasoning for that was bc if they were to ever get married, she didn't want to see $ going out the door that she helped earn. Well, she's in that situation now(minus the marriage part of course) and she's not liking that either. She just never thought about the whole possible "stepmom" issue if it were to ever go that far. She's mentioned that if she were able to find someone who was childless and was decent, she'd cut it off w/this current guy in a hot second. But for now, she's sticking w/him bc its too hard to find someone and she doesn't want to give up a good thing. I've told her that I don't mean any offense to him (bc I don't know him), but why hold on to something if you know he's not really what you want? Maybe i've just been out of the dating game for too long. I just can't see myself staying w/someone just for the sake of being able to say I "have" someone. Just move on. :( Its just frustrating to see it happen to someone I really care about.

Thanks for the opinions, everyone. You all made some very good points.
 

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