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Guest
Guest
haha one of my favorite songs to play by a band called America...
Anyways like a lot of people around here i'm also a lonely college student. When I first went into college I expected a lot of things to happen for me, especially making a butt load of friends. I tried joining sports leagues and joining a club at school but none of them worked out. Soon I just found myself sitting and wandering around campus watching people pass by and thinking about what I was doing wrong. For the next few years I felt as if I were just wandering. I changed majors but didn't know what I was going to do with them. I met people but they never lasted.
I spent a lot of my time thinking what I should do to fix this. I tried changing myself. I remember trying to imitate the people I saw on TV and thought if I could be funny, witty, and interesting like them then I would would start making friends. Maybe even meet that special somebody. But it never worked really. My act always distintegrated when I performed it.
I got depressed a lot too. Everybody I saw around seemed to have it going good. They had friends and laughed. They went to parties and had the good times. They seemed confident and whole. I felt like I wasn't any kind of person at all. When I got home sometimes I went whole nights without sleep just thinking about my life, sometimes muffling curses to God on my pillow or trying to figure out how to untangle this invisible thing inside myself that caused me to be such a...loser.
Eventually this way of thinking has lead me to a kind of soul searching to put it in such corny terms haha. It made me take a look inside myself in a way that I never really had in my whole life. I spent my whole life running from myself trying not to look at who I am or I was. I wanted myself to be this or that and refused to face who I am and was. I still sat around campus for hours at a time watching the faces pass by. But this time I thought about the me I was running from instead of filling my head about the me I wasn't.
I remember having a conversation (or lack thereof haha) with one of my professors. During the middle of the conversation she asked me "you're not a really a social person are you? You're shy aren't you?" The question made me nervous. How would I answer? I would've answered these same questions very differently if they were posed any time before a couple months since then. But this time I just said, "Yes, I am."
In a funny way, it felt really good to say those words. Maybe it was because I was telling the truth about myself for the first time in my life. There was a long pause between us after I said that (5 seconds can seem long just standing still there as we looked at each other!). It was such a profound moment for me I remember it so clearly.
So to this day I still am a loner. I still get nervous for those few moments I am called on to answer a question. My mouth still gets dry when I talk to a pretty girl. I still am clueless on what I'm what I'm going to do with this major of mine. I still stumble over my words 90% of the time I'm in conversation. My confidence still falls apart when I'm out in public.
I still am everything I was before yet everything is changed.
I just sit, nod my head, and keep my feet from taking those steps of running away.
This is just something i've always wanted to write down in some sort of way. I just thought putting it on here would encourage others to share their story with others. I still feel lonely and everything and im in no way trying to imply I'm some kind of superman now haha.
Anyways like a lot of people around here i'm also a lonely college student. When I first went into college I expected a lot of things to happen for me, especially making a butt load of friends. I tried joining sports leagues and joining a club at school but none of them worked out. Soon I just found myself sitting and wandering around campus watching people pass by and thinking about what I was doing wrong. For the next few years I felt as if I were just wandering. I changed majors but didn't know what I was going to do with them. I met people but they never lasted.
I spent a lot of my time thinking what I should do to fix this. I tried changing myself. I remember trying to imitate the people I saw on TV and thought if I could be funny, witty, and interesting like them then I would would start making friends. Maybe even meet that special somebody. But it never worked really. My act always distintegrated when I performed it.
I got depressed a lot too. Everybody I saw around seemed to have it going good. They had friends and laughed. They went to parties and had the good times. They seemed confident and whole. I felt like I wasn't any kind of person at all. When I got home sometimes I went whole nights without sleep just thinking about my life, sometimes muffling curses to God on my pillow or trying to figure out how to untangle this invisible thing inside myself that caused me to be such a...loser.
Eventually this way of thinking has lead me to a kind of soul searching to put it in such corny terms haha. It made me take a look inside myself in a way that I never really had in my whole life. I spent my whole life running from myself trying not to look at who I am or I was. I wanted myself to be this or that and refused to face who I am and was. I still sat around campus for hours at a time watching the faces pass by. But this time I thought about the me I was running from instead of filling my head about the me I wasn't.
I remember having a conversation (or lack thereof haha) with one of my professors. During the middle of the conversation she asked me "you're not a really a social person are you? You're shy aren't you?" The question made me nervous. How would I answer? I would've answered these same questions very differently if they were posed any time before a couple months since then. But this time I just said, "Yes, I am."
In a funny way, it felt really good to say those words. Maybe it was because I was telling the truth about myself for the first time in my life. There was a long pause between us after I said that (5 seconds can seem long just standing still there as we looked at each other!). It was such a profound moment for me I remember it so clearly.
So to this day I still am a loner. I still get nervous for those few moments I am called on to answer a question. My mouth still gets dry when I talk to a pretty girl. I still am clueless on what I'm what I'm going to do with this major of mine. I still stumble over my words 90% of the time I'm in conversation. My confidence still falls apart when I'm out in public.
I still am everything I was before yet everything is changed.
I just sit, nod my head, and keep my feet from taking those steps of running away.
This is just something i've always wanted to write down in some sort of way. I just thought putting it on here would encourage others to share their story with others. I still feel lonely and everything and im in no way trying to imply I'm some kind of superman now haha.
)
