I am a loser and i am the biggest honeysuckle a mortal could be.

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randomdude

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I am 18 with no desire to continue living, i am always feeling lonely even when i am with friends. I am jealous, i hate everything about myself. I am depressed, anxious, failure at school, failure with girls, i have no confidence and i have no money for anything except for food. I have a weird retarded ghostly anxious presence that is ruining my already bad image in eyes of others but that presence is gone when i am sober. My hips are a little wider than my shoulders and its not noticable at all but that makes me feel like i am not a man at all. I look though and tall but i am weak little pussy that can't bench more than 130 pounds even after 8 months of gym. EVEN though i hate everything about myself i still don't wanna commit suicide but sometimes i really feel like i could atleast be hit by a bus or some other heavy vehicle. My brain never rests even when i sleep go into heavy discussions with whoever is near by and i talk about world issues and sometimes even football and i have no memory of that, this might sound funny but i am dead afraid that i will start talking about some homosexual things and be labeled as one cuz of that...
 
You need help with a professional in my opinion. Your self-esteem isn't absolute zero, it's past that.
 
perfanoff said:
You need help with a professional in my opinion. Your self-esteem isn't absolute zero, it's past that.
Well i am visiting my therapist once a month but i feel like she can't help me at all.
 
BrokenInside said:
First and foremost thing you need to do is to 'respect' yourself!
How can i respect myself when i hate every single thing about me. Only thing i like about myself is the ability to finish everything i started and thats all.
 
randomdude said:
BrokenInside said:
First and foremost thing you need to do is to 'respect' yourself!
How can i respect myself when i hate every single thing about me. Only thing i like about myself is the ability to finish everything i started and thats all.

Maybe it would be a start to take one tangible thing you hate about yourself and see about changing it? I had major anger problems when I was your age and it took me years to recognise when the red mist was about to descend and more years to stop myself before it did. It's pretty **** hard to do and a lot of people don't bother even trying
 
This could fall under "normal teenage angst/problems", or it could be more serious...
 
jzinsky said:
randomdude said:
BrokenInside said:
First and foremost thing you need to do is to 'respect' yourself!
How can i respect myself when i hate every single thing about me. Only thing i like about myself is the ability to finish everything i started and thats all.

Maybe it would be a start to take one tangible thing you hate about yourself and see about changing it? I had major anger problems when I was your age and it took me years to recognise when the red mist was about to descend and more years to stop myself before it did. It's pretty **** hard to do and a lot of people don't bother even trying
The things that i hate the most about myself can't really be changed and those are the way i laugh, my facial expresions, they way i walk and they way i talk. I kinda know that i will never change those and that makes me feel bad because I WON'T accept the fact that i can't change those.
 
You can change the way you walk, just requires a lot of concentration, reminding yourself and feeling like you're trying to get into The Ministry of Silly Walks for a while

The way you talk and facial expressions are similar although more in depth

How about treating yourself as a method actor? I mean they don't play a part they become the part
 
I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I used to self hate myself all the time based on what others said about me.
I'm not sure if that's the case or not though cause I've been away from the forum from some time trying to get myself back on my feet again. If you need to vent or a friend to talk too, feel free to pm me.
 
WallflowerGirl83 said:
I'm sorry you're feeling like this. I used to self hate myself all the time based on what others said about me.
I'm not sure if that's the case or not though cause I've been away from the forum from some time trying to get myself back on my feet again. If you need to vent or a friend to talk too, feel free to pm me.
My bullies are the ones that made me think about myself in the first place, not that i say they are good or anything but they actually pinpointed what i was lacking and i understand it now better than ever.
 
jzinsky said:
Yeah bullies are always good at finding other people's inadequacies :/

If your current therapist isn't helping, find a new one. I was having the same problem, then my insurance ran out so technically, I guess I don't have that problem anymore. It can take a while to find someone who's intelligent enough and who's a good fit, or so I've been told. People vary, so it stands to reason that therapist do too. I have the same issue with my hip to shoulder ratio, except reversed because I'm female. I also don't like my face or any other part of my body except my hands. I don't hate myself though, just my circumstances. It's not my fault that I look this way. Some people don't find me attractive and others do and if anyone was bold enough to speak to me the way you speak about yourself, I'd verbally tear them apart because I love myself, just as I would do that for anyone else I love. As I get older, (and I'm not trying to sound condescending like I'm so much wiser, I just happened to have experienced getting older) I don't feel the need to be accepted by everyone anymore. Just a few good people or even one. I don't feel like I have to prove myself to fit in. I feel like it's just as much of a privelege for someone else to be let into my world as being let into someone else's. We're biologically programmed to care more what others think of us when were younger.What they say becomes truth in our minds even though someones opinion can't be objectively true by definition. But with every passing decade, you'll care a little bit less. That's how human biology works. Incidentally, I dated a guy who's hips were wider than his shoulders and he was really sexy. That's another thing I've noticed. Perfect people start to look more and more boring. Almost sterile in their perfect good looks. It's not that their beauty isn't appreciated, but genetic diversity is also valued.


Ha. I guess I put that in the wrong box:p
 
You need therapy.

And considering homosexuality bad is probably the reason why you are so unhappy. There is nothing wrong with being gay, except that you're not. Accept that you're not, and work from there.

Stop beating yourself up.
 
LeaningIntoTheMuse said:
You need therapy.

And considering homosexuality bad is probably the reason why you are so unhappy. There is nothing wrong with being gay, except that you're not. Accept that you're not, and work from there.

Stop beating yourself up.
I have nothing against homosexuality and i would gladly turn gay if my orientation changes at some point. My point was.. Imagine how awkward would it be if i started talking homo things in front of my whole family while i am sleeping or maybe talking about that i've mixed meds, weed and alcohol. Awkward!
 

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