An explanation (Please Read)

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LeaningIntoTheMuse

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I don't know how to say this, but I'll start. God, this is hard.

I am diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder type 2 and Social Anxiety Disorder. I take two medications for this, to level my mood: Risperdone to control the manic depression, and Klonopin to control the anxiety and also control my mood.

In the past 4 weeks, my doctor wanted me to taper the dosage of Klonopin down. I'm not going to go into the reasons for this - it would break patient-doctor confidentiality, and I don't feel comfortable sharing it, anyway - but I have gone from 1.5 down to 1 MG, and that was just jumping.

In the past four weeks, my mood has shifted to the point where I'm not sure when I'm going to be happy or sad. I'm not suicidal, so you don't have to worry about that, but I'll go from smiling to suddenly feeling like crying. My mood has been all over the place, and my family (very supportive and understanding of my mental illnesses) have been the only rock that have kept me sane through these last four weeks.

There is a lot going on otherwise that have been stressers. I won't go into specifics, but my life has been like a rollercoaster ride (offline) these past four weeks, and I've been barely hanging on.

I may still ask for a ban, but the only reason is, I don't feel this forum is helping me, and I'm constantly being driven towards depression (either my words will be misinterpreted, or I'll type without thinking and someone will get offended, etc.) I am intelligent, but I'm not always considerate of my words, and I make a lot of mistakes. I'm not perfect. I have flaws. And it hurts me when I not only have flaws pointed out that I have, but also have accusations leveled at me for things that are misinterpreted, or have things pointed out that I myself am aware of and am already beating myself up over. Scars that I have that are being healed in therapy, but very slowly.

Eve told me when I came here that this was a forum for lonely people, not mentally ill people. I think I'm starting to realize exactly what she meant. I can't talk about my issues here, because people won't understand. You guys are normal, you don't have to deal with what I deal with. And my therapist has told me to spend less time on forums, anyway, and deal more with people in real life...maybe I should do that, or at least go to a forum that would understand bipolar, social anxiety disorder, AND loneliness (since loneliness comes as part of the package.)

I'm not shaming anyone. This long note is just to say that I think I've worn out my welcome here, and I need to move on.

Anyway, just an explanation. Probably more than you needed to know.
 
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