Shyness destroying/taking control over my life, help?

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blendor

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Hi everybody, I'm new here!

I'm 20/M.

Basically I've had this problem for quite a while but it's been getting worse and worse lately.

I got to a point where I would turn off the chat even on Facebook so people wouldn't text me.

I'm really shy among people I don't know, I open up when I'm around my close friends tho.. or when I'm under heavy alcohol influence.

This is another problem I've been abusing alcohol a lot during the last year to help come over my shyness but I don't think it helps. I mostly drink till I don't remember anything and this is bad cause I feel ashamed the next morning I wake up and always worry about what I did.

But what I really wanna talk about and what really bothers me is my connection with girls. I've never had a real girlfriend only few affairs when I was drunk.
I can't approach girls at all , I mean I can't even say hi to them not even Facebook , not even to girls I know from school or anything.
This gives me a really bad feelings , makes me feel like I'm a loser which I keep repeating to myself , telling myself I've got not chance and I will be alone forever.. It's a vicious cycle I guess.

I don't know how could I overcome this problem.. I'm also over analyzing every situation, most likely creating problems which are wasn't there before, making my situation worse and worse by doing this.

Probably there's more but I can't think of anything at the moment, will reply later if anything comes to my mind.

Thanks!
 
blendor said:
I got to a point where I would turn off the chat even on Facebook so people wouldn't text me.

this can be your first step to opening up (turning it back on)... however.. the fact that you even mention this has to mean that people contact you. otherwise why would you have the need to 'hide'. sooo... here is the bit of misleading point.

so, if you have people wanting to talk to you, thats half the battle.. many of us here think that they arent interesting enough that people would want to talk to them, and here you have many people initiating convo and you are here turning them down..

the girl problem will solve itself when you choose to accept social interaction that is basically falling on your lap. get involved in mixed gender activities, be yourself, and boom - girlfriend appears.
 
The thing with sites like Facebook are that you don't have to add people that you feel like you can't trust or communicate with. Most of them should be people you value as friends or family, and having the chat on leaves you open to possible conversation and possible future plans if someone wanted to invite you somewhere. I don't use Facebook much anymore but I used to always turn the chat off and I realized all I was doing was hiding from people I consider my friends. If I couldn't try and be open for them than whole could I be?

Alchoolism isn't a smart idea to help open up your conversational skills. I before thought I could talk with women easier if I had a few drinks in me and it lead to me making an ass of my self and I would think about someone I said and feel really bad not only that I allowed myself to be put in that position but that I would actually be that disrespectful to a stranger. I no longer drink more than maybe one drink now so I don't get a buzz.

All I can say to you is, keep your chat on and remain open to any one who is interestead in speaking to you. Who knows maybe you will get invited to a party or something where women may be. But please do not shut yourself off from the rest of the world.
 
You just have to push yourself to do it, when you want to talk to someone do it and don't listen to that little voice in your head that tells you the opposite. The only real way to get over shyness is to make yourself overcome it, when you do something you would otherwise be afraid to do it helps you to grow and open up more and you have to keep doing it.
 
Welcome to the forum, blendor.

Sometimes you just gotta stand up, step outside your comfort zone and just push yourself to do something that scares you or that makes you feel uncomfortable (also what Sci-Fi said).

Try it, you can do it.
 
Hey blendor.
Yeah I can relate.
I don't like being judged. Or worse. Not knowing what I'm judged on.

And that has to happen every time I go out of my way to talk to a lady. Since there are no singles in my social circles right now, I do have to take that extra step to chat up someone I don't know and being judged with a negative outcome has happened too often. I've went to damage control on my ego and I don't want to risk cracking it by talking to prospective dates. It's not that I can't, it's that the price for trying is too high.
 
blendor said:
I don't know how could I overcome this problem.. I'm also over analyzing every situation, most likely creating problems which are wasn't there before, making my situation worse and worse by doing this.

Don't stress yourself with things/situations that are "what if's". Concentrate on what is now because you can do something about it. Building self-esteem is where you should focus and try not to shy away from any problems you might encounter. Always remember that you learn from every negative experience you encounter, so step out of shyness and face the work with positive thinking and confidence.
 
What is it that you say to yourself inside your head when you think about talking to a girl? Are you telling yourself how its going to play out if you say something? Are you seeing in your head what you think is going to be the out come because you believe that *insert belief here* is going to happen? Just asking because I have had to deal with challenging my beliefs about myself and what might happen. Truth is, I have hindered myself by having such ideas.



[qu ote='blendor' pid='492845' dateline='1367938739']
Hi everybody, I'm new here!

I'm 20/M.

Basically I've had this problem for quite a while but it's been getting worse and worse lately.

I got to a point where I would turn off the chat even on Facebook so people wouldn't text me.

I'm really shy among people I don't know, I open up when I'm around my close friends tho.. or when I'm under heavy alcohol influence.

This is another problem I've been abusing alcohol a lot during the last year to help come over my shyness but I don't think it helps. I mostly drink till I don't remember anything and this is bad cause I feel ashamed the next morning I wake up and always worry about what I did.

But what I really wanna talk about and what really bothers me is my connection with girls. I've never had a real girlfriend only few affairs when I was drunk.
I can't approach girls at all , I mean I can't even say hi to them not even Facebook , not even to girls I know from school or anything.
This gives me a really bad feelings , makes me feel like I'm a loser which I keep repeating to myself , telling myself I've got not chance and I will be alone forever.. It's a vicious cycle I guess.

I don't know how could I overcome this problem.. I'm also over analyzing every situation, most likely creating problems which are wasn't there before, making my situation worse and worse by doing this.

Probably there's more but I can't think of anything at the moment, will reply later if anything comes to my mind.

Thanks!
[/quote]
 
Sci-Fi said:
You just have to push yourself to do it, when you want to talk to someone do it and don't listen to that little voice in your head that tells you the opposite. The only real way to get over shyness is to make yourself overcome it, when you do something you would otherwise be afraid to do it helps you to grow and open up more and you have to keep doing it.
This article I found has a similar message (a UK article):

"Turn Your Life Around - Where to start?"

As a chaotic alcoholic, personality disorder sufferer, agoraphobic depressive who was able to turn my life around, people often ask me what the best way to change and rebuild your life is!

One of the reasons I became a Life Coach was that it is not as simple as just telling someone what to do. People have limitations in their thinking that need to be worked on. They have long-held beliefs that need to be challenged, a poor sense of self esteem that needs to be built up and negative reactions and behaviours that need to be reformed.

So while I will never be able to get across in just one blog post the whole formula for recovery and changing your life, I can give you my top tip to help you to start turning your life around.

The number one thing that has to change before you can hope to change your life is your attitude. Changing your life is really all about changing your thinking. And the best place to start is your attitude.

You will never change and rebuild your life if you are someone who insists on looking at the negative side of things, because you will never be open enough to see opportunities. Negative thinkers are notoriously rigid and in order to change you need to be flexible.

If you are someone who is used to ‘black and white thinking’ you need to open yourself up to the grey areas. If you don’t think that’s true, consider what got you to the painful place you are now in. It wasn’t your life events or your problems – it was your reaction to them and your thinking about them.

I became an alcoholic because I had a crippling anxiety disorder. I am not going to beat myself up about the fact that I chose that route, because it was all I knew how to do at the time to stop the pain and to function. BUT I absolutely recognise that it was not a smart move in the grand scheme of things, and my reaction to my problem was responsible for the life of chaos and complications that ensued.

My top attitude tips:

- + Accept things you can not change

- + Practise looking for the positive in every event

- + Realise that you are responsible for sorting your life out

- + Cultivate willingness and have an open mind

- + Stop being stubborn and getting stuck – instead become determined to change!

- + Put your recovery ABOVE ALL ELSE, including your pride


by Beth Burgess
 
blendor said:
Hi everybody, I'm new here!

Hi, and welcome to the forum :)

blendor said:
I'm really shy among people I don't know, I open up when I'm around my close friends tho.. or when I'm under heavy alcohol influence.

Shyness is something that is tough to overcome. But it's something that isn't impossible. If you're using alcohol to try and open up your shyness, that's something that you need to stop; but equally it lets you know that you CAN do it. You can overcome shyness.

The way I see it, when you're drunk a lot of peoples inner feelings come out, because the inhibitions that people normally have disappear when they're drunk (Mostly)
If you can talk to people while you're drunk, that means that you can do it when you're not too. Take small steps and try to change it.
Once a day, ask someone how their day is going. When you go buy something to eat, get something from the grocery shop, go to a chemist, or whatever else. Ask the person there how they're going. Enquire a little. They SHOULDN'T say nothing.
Why someone in retail? They're kinda FORCED to serve you and it's not like everyone wants to stand there in silence; so why not lighten things up a bit?

Either way, I know you can do it.

blendor said:
This is another problem I've been abusing alcohol a lot during the last year to help come over my shyness but I don't think it helps. I mostly drink till I don't remember anything and this is bad cause I feel ashamed the next morning I wake up and always worry about what I did.

I'm morally against alcohol, but I'll tell you that everything is fine in moderation. If it's something you enjoy doing, don't do it in excess because the effect that alcohol has when you've drunk TOO MUCH is bad.
If you're using it as an escape, or to try and make yourself better in some way you need to stop. It's not healthy, and can cause a lot more damage then you know.
Most of all, you need to make sure you don't become RELIANT on alcohol.

blendor said:
But what I really wanna talk about and what really bothers me is my connection with girls. I've never had a real girlfriend only few affairs when I was drunk.
I can't approach girls at all , I mean I can't even say hi to them not even Facebook , not even to girls I know from school or anything.

I can understand what you mean. I'd like to share a personal story with you.

There was a girl I really liked at this cafe across from where I work - I still kinda do.
I suffered much the same problem as you, I couldn't approach them, I couldn't say Hi, I couldn't even keep EYE-CONTACT when we were working.
Every day I'd finish work and I'd tell myself "I need to introduce myself... I NEED to say at least Hi to her." and I never would.
Every morning I'd rock up to work early, and prepare myself to go over there and talk to her... It wouldn't happen.
This happened for probably a month or so.
Then one day... She changed her hair color. It was something so small, but I said "This is it. I HAVE to do it today."
I mustered every ounce of courage I had, went over there and said Hi and ordered a drink. It was absolutely silent between us, but I'd finally done it.
Then, I made it a mission to every day say hi to her. At the VERY LEAST say hi. Some days I'd have the courage to ask her how she was going, how her day was going. But I'd HAVE to say hi. And I kept to it.

If I can do it, you can do much the same. I conquered my fear, and I'm absolutely terrified of talking to women. Yeah, it took time. It might take you time too, but you can do it beyond a doubt.
You're capable of a great many things, you just either deny it to yourself or don't know it yet.

blendor said:
This gives me a really bad feelings , makes me feel like I'm a loser which I keep repeating to myself , telling myself I've got not chance and I will be alone forever.. It's a vicious cycle I guess.

You should never feel bad, never feel like a loser because you're a little shy because you're wrong.
You aren't a loser, you're a winner and you'll do anything and everything you want to. You've got a chance with anyone and everyone, especially since from what a lot of girls have told me; they prefer personality to appearance. If you're a nice, funny, interesting guy, it doesn't MATTER what you look like.
I've seen some pretty average guys going out with absolute bombshells. I've seen average girls going out with really handsome men.

The point I'm making is that you only have a chance with whatever you think you have. The minute you start telling yourself "I have no chance with her." or "She's out of my league" She is out of your league. She's not stopping you, you're stopping yourself.

blendor said:
I don't know how could I overcome this problem.. I'm also over analyzing every situation, most likely creating problems which are wasn't there before, making my situation worse and worse by doing this.

Yeah, I suffer from much the same problem. I tend to over-analyze just about anything and everything people say. It's not something I TRY to do, it's just something that naturally happens. It gets a lot worse when I have a conversation with a girl and I'm running through every last thing she said to try and find hidden meanings and what-not, when more often than not... There's nothing to be found.
Overcoming the problem is a matter of figuring out where your problems lie, and working to fix them.
When you work on fixing them, don't try and do something over the top or huge, don't make it happen in a single day.
"Rome wasn't built in a day."
Do it over time, and take small steps. Hopefully doing so things will improve for you.
 
First take it from an ex alcoholic...and yes I say ex..but wont go into that right now..pm me if you want. STOP BOOZING IT UP Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant. You are, and I was, depressed enough without it. Get out! Move! Exercise. Become a g****** gladiator..You self esteem will soar..the shyness will disappear...
 
Forsaken-Knight said:
First take it from an ex alcoholic...and yes I say ex..but wont go into that right now..pm me if you want. STOP BOOZING IT UP Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant. You are, and I was, depressed enough without it. Get out! Move! Exercise. Become a g****** gladiator..You self esteem will soar..the shyness will disappear...


You responded to a thread that is over three years old. The original poster of this thread has also not been here in over three years.
 
BeyondShy said:
Forsaken-Knight said:
First take it from an ex alcoholic...and yes I say ex..but wont go into that right now..pm me if you want. STOP BOOZING IT UP Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant. You are, and I was, depressed enough without it. Get out! Move! Exercise. Become a g****** gladiator..You self esteem will soar..the shyness will disappear...


You responded to a thread that is over three years old. The original poster of this thread has also not been here in over three years.

ok thanks for the info!!
 
I can relate, when I was 20 I couldn't talk to a girl without blushing. I didn't have a serious girlfriend a few years later. I became more confident and after we broke up I dated a couple of other girls before I met my wife. You are not the only one who feels this way. Most guys get nervous around girls they like. I would turn on my facebook messenger and ask someone out for coffee to talk. Perhaps go when there is a band playing. Play a board game that they have at the coffee shop. See her as a friend and see where it goes. That's my advice, just know that there have been and are many guys like you.



blendor said:
Hi everybody, I'm new here!

I'm 20/M.

Basically I've had this problem for quite a while but it's been getting worse and worse lately.

I got to a point where I would turn off the chat even on Facebook so people wouldn't text me.

I'm really shy among people I don't know, I open up when I'm around my close friends tho.. or when I'm under heavy alcohol influence.

This is another problem I've been abusing alcohol a lot during the last year to help come over my shyness but I don't think it helps. I mostly drink till I don't remember anything and this is bad cause I feel ashamed the next morning I wake up and always worry about what I did.

But what I really wanna talk about and what really bothers me is my connection with girls. I've never had a real girlfriend only few affairs when I was drunk.
I can't approach girls at all , I mean I can't even say hi to them not even Facebook , not even to girls I know from school or anything.
This gives me a really bad feelings , makes me feel like I'm a loser which I keep repeating to myself , telling myself I've got not chance and I will be alone forever.. It's a vicious cycle I guess.

I don't know how could I overcome this problem.. I'm also over analyzing every situation, most likely creating problems which are wasn't there before, making my situation worse and worse by doing this.

Probably there's more but I can't think of anything at the moment, will reply later if anything comes to my mind.

Thanks!
 

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