Naleena
Well-known member
Should they have a right to do so if it isn't their child? Why?
Should someone who is in a relationship be allowed to discipline the others children?
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WildernessWildChild
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What are the parameters? Dating? Living together as a family unit? How are you defining discipline?
LoneKiller
Well-known member
No Goddamn way! It's my belief that if the person is not the biological parent, they have absolutely no right to discipline the child.
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WildernessWildChild
Guest
LoneKiller said:
If any child is living in my house and decides to act like a turd there will be discipline! I'm not saying physical (simply don't believe in it) but there will be repercussions for getting out of line.
EveWasFramed
Well-known member
LoneKiller said:
Here is the fault with that - what if the biological parent washes his or her hands of the child(ren) and leaves that burden to the step parent?
Maybe I best excuse myself from this thread.
LoneKiller
Well-known member
Hi Eve.EveWasFramed said:
I really have no answer for that.Now that I think about it, I should have refrained from replying in this thread myself. I'm not a parent, so I have no experience. I apologize if I came off as disrespectful.
EveWasFramed
Well-known member
LoneKiller said:Hi Eve.EveWasFramed said:
Now that I think about it, I should have refrained from replying in this thread myself. I'm not a parent, so I have no experience. I apologize if I came off as disrespectful.
I didnt see you as being disrespectful, LK. It's just a touchy subject for me. Sorry if I seemed aggressive.
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Rosebolt
Guest
This reminds me of my stepmom, who admitted not long ago that she made it her goal to change our family to what she thought was a good family.
I think it's alright for other people to try and discipline children, they're still older people and therefore should be wiser, though they can expect more resistance from the children, which is also okay in my opinion.
I think it's alright for other people to try and discipline children, they're still older people and therefore should be wiser, though they can expect more resistance from the children, which is also okay in my opinion.
LoneKiller
Well-known member
No apology necessary Eve. I have no experience with these kinds of situations. Trying to tell others who may or may not have be in this situation themselves is like me trying to tell Michael Jordan how to score from the arc. I sure that he would have a few things to say in return.EveWasFramed said:LoneKiller said:Hi Eve.EveWasFramed said:
Now that I think about it, I should have refrained from replying in this thread myself. I'm not a parent, so I have no experience. I apologize if I came off as disrespectful.
I didnt see you as being disrespectful, LK. It's just a touchy subject for me. Sorry if I seemed aggressive.
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Bones
Guest
With all things being equal and the significant other is a loving, kind, understanding, trustworthy, balanced person, the answer is yes.
If one the metrics are not met, a sliding scale occurs for no.
At any rate, if the answer is no, why in the hell would you be in a relationship that is detrimental to your child(ren)?
Previously, I have kicked several relationships to the curb if the interpersonal dynamics was not appropriate for my daughter's well being since I am the one responsible for bringing up my daughter in a healthy environment.
If one the metrics are not met, a sliding scale occurs for no.
At any rate, if the answer is no, why in the hell would you be in a relationship that is detrimental to your child(ren)?
Previously, I have kicked several relationships to the curb if the interpersonal dynamics was not appropriate for my daughter's well being since I am the one responsible for bringing up my daughter in a healthy environment.
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WildernessWildChild
Guest
Bones said:
This has been one of the things that's crossed my mind regarding Kid and why I haven't been bothered with pursuing another relationship.
VanillaCreme
Well-known member
LoneKiller said:
Not if they are given permission. It's not even limited to significant others who aren't the parents. It's also relatives and friends. You better believe if I had kids and they acted up, I'd want my friends to put them back in line. But then again, I have friends that I would trust with my children, and I know they'd tell the truth about the situation.
Tuppence
Well-known member
I think there's no right or wrong answer - every couple/family is different and ideally this is something that will ideally be discussed before they become part of the same family. My 2 year old M is happy to do what my fiancé tells her, and stop doing what he tells her not to do.
It won't always work in practise, of course, and it's something that might work initially and go wrong later on. It's difficult to know how it's going to work until you're in the situation - my parents decided it was acceptable for my older sister to discipline me, and as she's quite a lot older than me, I can now see why they were coming from. But at the time, I didn't want my own sibling telling me off, I felt that was my parents' job. They still try to discipline me now, all 3 of them.
It won't always work in practise, of course, and it's something that might work initially and go wrong later on. It's difficult to know how it's going to work until you're in the situation - my parents decided it was acceptable for my older sister to discipline me, and as she's quite a lot older than me, I can now see why they were coming from. But at the time, I didn't want my own sibling telling me off, I felt that was my parents' job. They still try to discipline me now, all 3 of them.
EveWasFramed
Well-known member
WildernessWildChild said:
I wasn't going to make anymor comments in this thread, but I've been a stepmother, so I think I can add a little something.
It's a little off topic, but for any of you have have children and plan on either getting married, living with someone, etc. the best thing to do is spell out expectations. REAL expectations, not ones that are unrealistic to everyone involved.
For the few of you who may not know, when I married my (now) ex, had physical custody of his two children from a previous marriage.
I had no children of my own, and was more than happy to to try to fill a role in their lives since their mother wasn't really in the picture any longer. I was told, "you can have as much or as little as you want in helping raise them."
Well, that went right out the window and I suddenly found myself the (almost) sole parent of two children who had needs I could never hope to meet. Their father had no idea how to take care of them, or deal with them on a daily basis and wouldn't lift a hand to help me with them. It was a tumultuous situation, especially once my daughter was born. Through several deployments, lack of support and finally abandonment, the entire experience left a bad taste in my mouth.
Id NEVER be with a man (yes, I can use a specific sex since this is on topic) who was eager to toss off his own parental responsibilites on another person. Would I ever consider the "stepmom" role again?
Of course - with boundries. Just as I have my own child now and would expect the same from any partner I was with. My child is MY responsibility, but if you're living (as WWC said) as a family unit, each parent as a part to play. Those roles should be stated up front, but also be open for change, should the parties think it best for the family.
If was with someone (a relationship) and my child got out of hand, I wouldnt be angry that my SO offered a helping hand with my child.
OK, now Im rambling here, but I guess my point is, blended families are possible, and can likely be wonderful, IF the parties are clear on expectations.
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Bones
Guest
@ EWF *hugs* for your experience and I wish things would have been better for you because you are a great person; and by default, a giving person through acts of service.
For me, the premise has always been to set expectations/boundaries that is a benefit for the entire (non)legal family unit and everyone work as a team.
When I had my step-daughter, I treated her the same as I did my daughter and 'bloodlines' never played a role - am a more black & white person for either being all in or out.
And, I was extremely brokenhearted over my step-daughter; but admittedly, bloodlines played a role because of the legal system.
I guess I do not have the capacity to understand why people are not "all in" when it comes to the family unit - it truly boggles my mind.
For me, the premise has always been to set expectations/boundaries that is a benefit for the entire (non)legal family unit and everyone work as a team.
When I had my step-daughter, I treated her the same as I did my daughter and 'bloodlines' never played a role - am a more black & white person for either being all in or out.
And, I was extremely brokenhearted over my step-daughter; but admittedly, bloodlines played a role because of the legal system.
I guess I do not have the capacity to understand why people are not "all in" when it comes to the family unit - it truly boggles my mind.
EveWasFramed
Well-known member
Bones said:
Yup...goes back to the acts of service thing. He once told me, "Sometimes I think the only reason you do so much for the kids is so you can bring it up later."
I did sometimes mention it, but it was only a reference to point out that I actually cared a lot about the kids (his kids from his previous marriage). Mentioning it was my way of providing him with "proof" that I genuinely cared about them.
However, because he DIDNT know "why" I was pointing out things I'd done for them (it was my way of showing love - acts of service) he mistook my good intentions.
But, to be told something like that, after doing things to show love...having it taken as some sort of insult or with some sort of ulterior motivation - what a way to kill a person's self-esteem.
Bones said:
^ Yes, this. Also, I guess it would have been different if their mother had been in the picture at all. She saw them MAYBE once every couple of years. It seemed like the harder I tried to make things work and to prove myself, the worse they became. He ignored them, and the kids and I (while we DID have some very nice times) just didn't seem to bond as well as we might have, had he taken part in the process. I felt as though I'd been thrown into a river and told to sink or swim. The kids were 9 and 6 when I met the. HE had been a parent for that many years already, and I didnt have any kids at all at that time. Most days, I felt like I was playing a game of cards and the deck was always stacked against me.
Bones said:
It's funny - my stepdaughter and I still keep in touch here and there and she can talk to me about almost anything. It amazes me how simply having all that responsibility removed (when the ex left me) made our relationship better.
Bones said:
Me either. My ex MIGHT call Jaylen once a month. He's seen her twice in the past three or so years. Not sure if he will even get her any this summer. I guess some people are just like that and can be separated from their kids. While I'd love to have a break now and then from parenting, I couldn't be away from her for a YEAR!
When she went to see her dad last summer, I called her EVERY day!
nerdygirl
Well-known member
As a step-child, I think this sort of thing should vary from situation to situation. My step-mother told my father that she felt I was not given enough discipline. He went along with what she said, and everything suddenly changed in my house.
The thing is, I didn't need discipline. My father worked third shift, so I was the one who kept our home tidy and I cooked a lot. I did well in school. I only had two friends I regularly hung out with outside of school. They lived in the other side of the duplex. We rarely went anywhere- for the most part, we'd sit on the stoop in front of the door and talk. Sometimes, we might walk to the grocery store a block away and buy a bag of chips or something. I rarely got any phone calls at all. Suddenly, I wasn't allowed to sit on my porch after 10- even during the summer. I couldn't be on the phone after 9. There were all of these little things that had no legitimate reason to change. It ended up causing resentment and a deterioration of the relationship I had with my father. That relationship was never mended (and cannot be, as my father passed away a few months ago).
As a single mother, if I was to get married, I'd want my husband to have a role in discipline. It wouldn't be a major role, but if I was unavailable to enforce rules, if I needed some back-up, or if I was overreacting to something, I'd want him to step in.
So... I think it's the sort of thing where you really need to examine the situation and the people in it. It's something you should constantly be prepared to re-evaluate.
The thing is, I didn't need discipline. My father worked third shift, so I was the one who kept our home tidy and I cooked a lot. I did well in school. I only had two friends I regularly hung out with outside of school. They lived in the other side of the duplex. We rarely went anywhere- for the most part, we'd sit on the stoop in front of the door and talk. Sometimes, we might walk to the grocery store a block away and buy a bag of chips or something. I rarely got any phone calls at all. Suddenly, I wasn't allowed to sit on my porch after 10- even during the summer. I couldn't be on the phone after 9. There were all of these little things that had no legitimate reason to change. It ended up causing resentment and a deterioration of the relationship I had with my father. That relationship was never mended (and cannot be, as my father passed away a few months ago).
As a single mother, if I was to get married, I'd want my husband to have a role in discipline. It wouldn't be a major role, but if I was unavailable to enforce rules, if I needed some back-up, or if I was overreacting to something, I'd want him to step in.
So... I think it's the sort of thing where you really need to examine the situation and the people in it. It's something you should constantly be prepared to re-evaluate.
EveWasFramed
Well-known member
Great post, Nerdy.
BrokenInside
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If its in a good way and doesn't include physical/mental assault then why not!
