Hi,
Sorry for the length. There's nobody I can talk to about any of this, so any response whatsoever would mean a lot to me.
I am the youngest child in a large family. First there were a bunch of girls, all close together in age, then a three-year gap, then my brother, then a five-year gap, then me. Every one of my siblings went away to college in another city; I was a toddler when the first ones left the house and by the time I was 12 it was just me and my parents, but they were getting older and tired by then and my dad was never the kind of man who could relate to children anyway.
I did have friends at school, but I also remember spending a LOT of time by myself as a child. I guess that's how I became such a loner. As a young woman I had friends and a few romantic relationships, but the boys I REALLY liked I was always too scared to approach (I was very overweight) and nothing ever came close to marriage.
It's hard to even say how I've ended up so isolated. My parents died in the nineties, my friends fell away one by one and I didn't replace them because I was young and stupid. I moved to a new city and didn't know how to make new friends, I thought my siblings were my support system, though we live far apart, and only came to realize last year that we're not really close at all. The age gap is a huge barrier and there is way too much dysfunction and rivalry amongst all the sisters. As I've gotten older I've lost interest in dating. Now I just want a little companionship.
I did have a small handful of friends, two couples that I would meet for lunch now and then. It wasn't much but it really meant a lot to me. That plus my siblings made up my whole social network. Then the first couple moved away. As for the second couple, the man was diagnosed with late-stage cancer and died within months, and since he has gone his wife has made it clear that she doesn't consider me a close or social friend. I've tried reaching out to her several times because I know she has been through hell, and she is always very polite but distant. I was friends (just friends) with her husband for years before they married and now I think she was just putting up with me for his sake. I really tried to be a good friend to her, though. Right around when my friend got sick is when things got so bad with my sisters.
So last year I found myself, really, completely alone for the first time. I work from home in a job that doesn't pay much. I'm working on making new friends; I joined a bridge group and there are some nice people that I meet to play cards with once a week. I like them a lot and they could become friends but right now they are just acquaintances. Except for sporadic, dysfunctional contact with my siblings and occasional work-related stuff and talking to checkout people in the supermaket, that is all the human contact I have right now. I can go days and days without talking to anyone, or even getting an email. I have three cats; god only knows how lonely I would be without them.
On top of that I have a birthday coming up soon -- one of those big landmark birthdays with a zero at the end. Of course I'll be alone. I'm trying very hard not to be depressed about it, and to think of something special to do for myself that day, but as the day gets closer I feel so sad whenever I think about it. And on top of that, my neighbor recently reported me for having a lot of weeds and dried brush in the empty lot behind my house and I have to completely clear the area. Since I can't afford to hire somebody I have to spend several hours every day working on this. Right now it's all I can manage just to get this job done on time without making myself sick.
I'm trying to keep a positive attitude, and I believe that if I just hang on and keep trying it will get better someday. Once my birthday is over with and this job outside is done, things should be better. But right now it's rough, and it would really mean a lot for me to have somebody to talk to.
Thank you for reading.
Sorry for the length. There's nobody I can talk to about any of this, so any response whatsoever would mean a lot to me.
I am the youngest child in a large family. First there were a bunch of girls, all close together in age, then a three-year gap, then my brother, then a five-year gap, then me. Every one of my siblings went away to college in another city; I was a toddler when the first ones left the house and by the time I was 12 it was just me and my parents, but they were getting older and tired by then and my dad was never the kind of man who could relate to children anyway.
I did have friends at school, but I also remember spending a LOT of time by myself as a child. I guess that's how I became such a loner. As a young woman I had friends and a few romantic relationships, but the boys I REALLY liked I was always too scared to approach (I was very overweight) and nothing ever came close to marriage.
It's hard to even say how I've ended up so isolated. My parents died in the nineties, my friends fell away one by one and I didn't replace them because I was young and stupid. I moved to a new city and didn't know how to make new friends, I thought my siblings were my support system, though we live far apart, and only came to realize last year that we're not really close at all. The age gap is a huge barrier and there is way too much dysfunction and rivalry amongst all the sisters. As I've gotten older I've lost interest in dating. Now I just want a little companionship.
I did have a small handful of friends, two couples that I would meet for lunch now and then. It wasn't much but it really meant a lot to me. That plus my siblings made up my whole social network. Then the first couple moved away. As for the second couple, the man was diagnosed with late-stage cancer and died within months, and since he has gone his wife has made it clear that she doesn't consider me a close or social friend. I've tried reaching out to her several times because I know she has been through hell, and she is always very polite but distant. I was friends (just friends) with her husband for years before they married and now I think she was just putting up with me for his sake. I really tried to be a good friend to her, though. Right around when my friend got sick is when things got so bad with my sisters.
So last year I found myself, really, completely alone for the first time. I work from home in a job that doesn't pay much. I'm working on making new friends; I joined a bridge group and there are some nice people that I meet to play cards with once a week. I like them a lot and they could become friends but right now they are just acquaintances. Except for sporadic, dysfunctional contact with my siblings and occasional work-related stuff and talking to checkout people in the supermaket, that is all the human contact I have right now. I can go days and days without talking to anyone, or even getting an email. I have three cats; god only knows how lonely I would be without them.
On top of that I have a birthday coming up soon -- one of those big landmark birthdays with a zero at the end. Of course I'll be alone. I'm trying very hard not to be depressed about it, and to think of something special to do for myself that day, but as the day gets closer I feel so sad whenever I think about it. And on top of that, my neighbor recently reported me for having a lot of weeds and dried brush in the empty lot behind my house and I have to completely clear the area. Since I can't afford to hire somebody I have to spend several hours every day working on this. Right now it's all I can manage just to get this job done on time without making myself sick.
I'm trying to keep a positive attitude, and I believe that if I just hang on and keep trying it will get better someday. Once my birthday is over with and this job outside is done, things should be better. But right now it's rough, and it would really mean a lot for me to have somebody to talk to.
Thank you for reading.
