Too much emphasis on confidence?

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ardour

Well known loser
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Lately I think that ‘improving your confidence’ is one of the most insidious forms of advice people can get. What it means when we value this as the primary asset for success is that surface level is all;
it doesn’t matter what you say so much as how you say it. The content of your personality matters less than the way you carry yourself.

It encourages people to be lazy and make quick judgements based on first impressions. I’ve known and loathed shallow people that get by on fake bravado as plenty of people here have probably, don't you just hate them? So why hand out this advice so readily? What if this isn’t who you are, if you can’t stand putting on an act so that others will "like" you? What if you’re more comfortable gradually getting to know people, what then?

You would think those who experience real loneliness would hesitate re-enforcing the superficial standards that helped put them in that place.
 
You have made some valid points, but have you considered that confidence is reassuring? Would you trust a surgeon to work on you who wasn't? Sometimes you do need it to be successful. Consider how many employers will take the time to get to know you when their time is limited and the room outside is full. That edge could be what you need.

Self-confidence is not always superficial either. It takes more than good self-esteem to be yourself around others without worrying and to be able to make your own decisions, as well as being sure of them. I think it is our perception of what confidence is that really matters. Neither false bravado or real confidence can remove our faults or good qualities, but will emphasise them. I do think it is good advice most of time, even if the loneliness remains.
 
Hmmm, I see what you're saying, but if you are lonely and want to meet people but are too shy, you may just need to have a little confidence just to be able to meet that goal.

So it's not about slamming open the bar doors and walking in like you own the place, shooting everyone down with a death stare before grabbing the girl and riding off into the sunset.

Um, lost my way again, I think I'm trying to say you don't need to full of bravado and swagger, just confident in yourself to be able to interact.
 
Edward W said:
Hmmm, I see what you're saying, but if you are lonely and want to meet people but are too shy, you may just need to have a little confidence just to be able to meet that goal.

So it's not about slamming open the bar doors and walking in like you own the place, shooting everyone down with a death stare before grabbing the girl and riding off into the sunset.

Um, lost my way again, I think I'm trying to say you don't need to full of bravado and swagger, just confident in yourself to be able to interact.

This. Confidence comes in many forms.
 
Being told "you need to be more confident" while being rejected - be it from jobs, relationships, etc. - is a vicious circle and a catch 22.
 
Dissident said:
Being told "you need to be more confident" while being rejected - be it from jobs, relationships, etc. - is a vicious circle and a catch 22.

I don't really know what catch 22 means, nor do I care, but I get the gist of what this means. And I would have to disagree. I don't think confidence depends on failures or rejections. Because if a person has true confidence in themselves, they'd try again at what they failed to accomplish. I think the whole catch 22 thing is just a bottom-end line, a reason why, and an excuse to those who really give into failure and never try again. They just tie it into some senseless phrase that seems to cushion them.

Not trying to be mean, I should add, but that just what that seems like to me.
 
Edward W said:
So it's not about slamming open the bar doors and walking in like you own the place, shooting everyone down with a death stare before grabbing the girl and riding off into the sunset.

Hey wait....change that to "kitchen door" and you just might be onto something there! :p
 
VanillaCreme said:
I don't really know what catch 22 means, nor do I care...

I'll tell you anyway. :p It's a paradoxical logical condition. An example is every employer expecting experience without actually giving it.

VanillaCreme said:
...but I get the gist of what this means. And I would have to disagree.

You can disagree; but like evolution deniers, you'd still be wrong. ;)

VanillaCreme said:
I don't think confidence depends on failures or rejections.

Depends on the person. Personally, my confidence is directly tied to success rate. My confidence at doing my work is high because I can meet and exceed almost any challenge placed before me. My confidence at landing a new job is low because I have only once succeeded without having to weasel my way in, and it was for a pretty crummy job.

When I first entered the job market, I believed that having adequate skills and knowledge in my field would suffice. My confidence in my ability to land work (and if you buy into confidence affecting odds of being hired, my ability to land work at all) recursively lowered with each failed attempt to get a job. Saying "just be more confident" is not cause for improvement; it's the effect. The only way for most people to feel confident is to have a reason for it.

VanillaCreme said:
Because if a person has true confidence in themselves, they'd try again at what they failed to accomplish.

Confidence or arrogance? If you persist at doing something that statistically shows you aren't good at it, I'd say you were arrogant. Like Uwe Boll making films. It doesn't mean you should stop, but you should look at your approach to whatever it is you're doing, make changes, then try again. Unless you're Uwe Boll. At which point, you need to just stop.

VanillaCreme said:
I think the whole catch 22 thing is just a bottom-end line, a reason why, and an excuse to those who really give into failure and never try again. They just tie it into some senseless phrase that seems to cushion them.

When you start throwing around "excuse" like that it's an admission of vacuous logic. "I have no real counter-argument, so I will discredit it out-of-hand as an excuse." Come up with something better than that and stop pretending you're just being brutally honest. ;)

VanillaCreme said:
Not trying to be mean, I should add, but that just what that seems like to me.

I know, and I'm not, either. I just think confidence is, at best, a bad reason to reject someone, and at worst, cruel and recursively damaging to a person's well-being. If you can't give a logical reason for rejecting someone in a situation, you should reevaluate your own criteria.
 
I hate super confident people !
A few of them at work get right on my nerves !
 
I don't see how a lack of self-confidence can be seen as a positive trait. The opposite of confidence is self-doubt and timidity. How can these be marketable skills?
 
Dissident said:
VanillaCreme said:
...but I get the gist of what this means. And I would have to disagree.

You can disagree; but like evolution deniers, you'd still be wrong. ;)

Sure. I'm not arsed enough to really care. I know, for me, I'm not wrong. And no one else determines what I believe in, nor do I care what others believe in. I can be wrong to everyone else, but my thoughts are the only ones that are right for me.
 
Yeah, if you don't fit society's image of perfection, confidence may actually make you even worse as it makes certain individuals want to "take you down a notch" because they feel the confidence is not well-placed.
 
I agree with you OP. I think the issue is that so many people assume confidence is so great, other, less confident people look at what they're doing and think that's what they should do. There have been times when I feel I should be less like myself and more like the mainstream type of person because it works better. But I haven't and I am glad.
 
Dissident said:
Yeah, if you don't fit society's image of perfection, confidence may actually make you even worse as it makes certain individuals want to "take you down a notch" because they feel the confidence is not well-placed.

I've encountered that, some people get very annoyed when an unattractive low social-status person appears confident.
 
rdor said:
Dissident said:
Yeah, if you don't fit society's image of perfection, confidence may actually make you even worse as it makes certain individuals want to "take you down a notch" because they feel the confidence is not well-placed.

I've encountered that, some people get very annoyed when an unattractive low social-status person appears confident.
How dare this unattractive person have self-respect! >: ( *growls*......like this for example?
 

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