I can't seem to talk to women I fancy

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SimonT

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What does a guy who has absolutely no approachability with women do? Spend the rest of eternity lonely? Not just that, it's the sheer lack of ability to do it as well gets to you. I see girls all the time in the street, on the bus or in the supermarket, and just wish I could approach them and 'chat them up' so to speak. I'm so sick of being lonely. I've come to the conclusion that I need a mic and camera in my glasses and an ear piece (that you can't see), and someone to be able to see, hear and for me to communicate with via the mic, so that when I see a girl I fancy, I can look at them and then whisper or talk quietly to the (pulling expert or maybe a woman or combo of both) and tell them I fancy that girl and they could tell me what to say and do. They could see what I see (as the camera would be in the middle of the glasses) and tell me via the earpeace what to say and do. I'm currently on a music production course at college and I've learnt so much from it. Wish there was a course entitled, 'How to have talk to and attract women and be more sociable" or something like that. It seems like, because it's the man who has to approach all the time, that men who can't do it, live a life of frustration and loneliness. It actually makes you feel invisable being a man with no charisma with women. It's a wonder I have any self-esteem, well actually I don't don't think lol!
 
The only thing I do (which doesn't work) is go to somewhere like a coffee shop, book or video store, etc. and peruse. Sometimes if a pretty girl picks up something I'll say something like "oh that's pretty good, I've had/read/seen that before." Usually I just get a quick response like "yeah" though. I've heard that if the conversation starts to open up with a question as a response, then you should just roll with it and try to ask questions that keep the discussion alive. But I always get closed down and then I drift off into the void.

Maybe someone can give you some advice that actually works?
 
You can try changing your view that they're women, this is more daunting than a person with interests and a life just like you.
 
Well how would you speak to a guy you might want to be friends with? Just do that.

Woman are no different, well, ok, yes they are, (they have boobs 'n' stuff, shhh), but they are just people so try that.

I think I was fortunate growing up having girls as friends as well as other guys, so I don't have this mental block some guys have.

But thats my advice, also possibly start with not seeing every girl as a potential girlfriend, just a friend. Then maybe if you get to know a few girls you will gain more confidence, or things may well develop anyway.

Good luck!
 
I try to do that. I prefer to have an interesting conversation than to just skip right into whateverthefuck. The only thing that makes talking to women different than talking to guys is the fact that women carry mace and can scream harassment. And also the fact that I may want a relationship, which for reasons I don't understand, seems to be such a Bad Thing. I may also be a bit skiddish after hearing lots of female friends talking about how fearful they are when approached by guys, and I don't want to be one of those guys.

I also find it interesting how people these days throw a conniption fit over someone's "ulterior motives." Everyone has ulterior motives, all the time, with anything. That's how human interaction goes.
 
Dissident said:
The only thing I do (which doesn't work) is go to somewhere like a coffee shop, book or video store, etc. and peruse. Sometimes if a pretty girl picks up something I'll say something like "oh that's pretty good, I've had/read/seen that before." Usually I just get a quick response like "yeah" though. I've heard that if the conversation starts to open up with a question as a response, then you should just roll with it and try to ask questions that keep the discussion alive. But I always get closed down and then I drift off into the void.

Maybe someone can give you some advice that actually works?

I think walking upto a woman in a coffee shop or on the street and trying to start a conversation will be very difficult. Next to impossible for the men who come on here. It's just not going to happen, forget about the films you see or whatever. We haven't got the skills to get anywhere.

But what you can do is approach a woman who is in your dancing class or walking group or chess club or whatever. You have a reason to approach them (the mutual thing your doing !) and things should be easier. Conversation should flow, ask them something, make a comment. I think in general people (including women) do like talking about themselves !
 
I don't really have another means of talking to anyone. Anything else I could be doing that involves me leaving the apartment I'm not going to enjoy. I'm going to college, but it's a tech school for IT people. There are very few females, and the ones who do go there are either unattractive, married, or uninterested.
 
Dissident said:
I don't really have another means of talking to anyone. Anything else I could be doing that involves me leaving the apartment I'm not going to enjoy. I'm going to college, but it's a tech school for IT people. There are very few females, and the ones who do go there are either unattractive, married, or uninterested.

the unattractive ones may be nice once you get to know them !
 
As a heterosexual male it would be unfair to both parties to date someone I could not be physically intimate with.
 
Hey Simon

You are not alone with your problems in communicating with the opposite sex and a lot of people that are shy or have social anxiety are in relationships, so there is hope and I don't think you are destined to be alone.

I had/have the same issue with talking to guys especially if a guy is chatting me up I just smile and walk away, it has nothing to do with the person and all to do with myself. I think personally start at a place you feel more comfortable talking to women. For instance the Internet is a great place, dating sites, forums and etc. Once you feel comfortable with that maybe start skyping women you have been chatting too? I think that will give you more confidence.

It's extremely easy for me to give advice on this subject because I know what started helping me but not everyone is the same. I just think in these cases you have to start small, you don't want to jump in at the big end because there is always a chance of drowning and you being afraid of getting back into the pool of women( the last part of that analogy was pretty weird).

Anyways, I wish you the best on your quest for love.


Dissident said:
As a heterosexual male it would be unfair to both parties to date someone I could not be physically intimate with.

Have you never been attracted to someone's personality? Sometimes personality attraction comes first then the physical attraction.
 
Dissident said:
The only thing that makes talking to women different than talking to guys is the fact that women carry mace and can scream harassment

Also if getting maced and cries of sexual harassment is a problem when you talk to womn maybe you should switch up your style of wooing. Lol
 
Littlesecret said:
Hey Simon

You are not alone with your problems in communicating with the opposite sex and a lot of people that are shy or have social anxiety are in relationships, so there is hope and I don't think you are destined to be alone.

I had/have the same issue with talking to guys especially if a guy is chatting me up I just smile and walk away, it has nothing to do with the person and all to do with myself. I think personally start at a place you feel more comfortable talking to women. For instance the Internet is a great place, dating sites, forums and etc. Once you feel comfortable with that maybe start skyping women you have been chatting too? I think that will give you more confidence.

It's extremely easy for me to give advice on this subject because I know what started helping me but not everyone is the same. I just think in these cases you have to start small, you don't want to jump in at the big end because there is always a chance of drowning and you being afraid of getting back into the pool of women( the last part of that analogy was pretty weird).

Anyways, I wish you the best on your quest for love.


Dissident said:
As a heterosexual male it would be unfair to both parties to date someone I could not be physically intimate with.

Have you never been attracted to someone's personality? Sometimes personality attraction comes first then the physical attraction.



I would do if any women actually replied to any of my messages on dating sites lol! nothing I do with women seems to be right or work.


SimonT said:
Littlesecret said:
Hey Simon

You are not alone with your problems in communicating with the opposite sex and a lot of people that are shy or have social anxiety are in relationships, so there is hope and I don't think you are destined to be alone.

I had/have the same issue with talking to guys especially if a guy is chatting me up I just smile and walk away, it has nothing to do with the person and all to do with myself. I think personally start at a place you feel more comfortable talking to women. For instance the Internet is a great place, dating sites, forums and etc. Once you feel comfortable with that maybe start skyping women you have been chatting too? I think that will give you more confidence.

It's extremely easy for me to give advice on this subject because I know what started helping me but not everyone is the same. I just think in these cases you have to start small, you don't want to jump in at the big end because there is always a chance of drowning and you being afraid of getting back into the pool of women( the last part of that analogy was pretty weird).

Anyways, I wish you the best on your quest for love.


Dissident said:
As a heterosexual male it would be unfair to both parties to date someone I could not be physically intimate with.

Have you never been attracted to someone's personality? Sometimes personality attraction comes first then the physical attraction.



I would do if any women actually replied to any of my messages on dating sites lol! nothing I do with women seems to be right or work.



Yes I was attracted to a girls personality about 3yrs ago, we got on very well. I did not fancy her at all though, not in the slightest. She wanted more but I had to say sorry it's not gonna happen. We remained friends.
 
I would do if any women actually replied to any of my messages on dating sites lol! nothing I do with women seems to be right or work.
[/quote]

Maybe women can sense your self-depreciating nature it can be a turn off for some, or maybe the women you are trying to hit on are just not right for you.
When you are on the dating site, what makes you think I'm going to write to this girl, look, bio, interests?
 
SimonT said:
Littlesecret said:


I would do if any women actually replied to any of my messages on dating sites lol! nothing I do with women seems to be right or work.

Yes I was attracted to a girls personality about 3yrs ago, we got on very well. I did not fancy her at all though, not in the slightest. She wanted more but I had to say sorry it's not gonna happen. We remained friends.
On dating sites, I send messages and never get a reply, and if I try pm'ing then they don't respond. It's all just a big fat waste of time eh!
Some days I'm so overcome with jealousy when I'm about and about and see a guy with an attractive girl, just makes me feel worthless, hopeless, like I must be ugly, weird, just can't understand it, makes me either wanna break down and cry or smash something to smithereens.
I was so jealous of a guy kissing his gf on the seat in front of me at the back of the bus the other week I nearly a) asked them to stop or b) got off but managed to remain calm lol!
 
Have you ever asked yourself, why do you want a relationship so badly?
It appears from the post you just wrote it's a lot to do with validation and that in my opinion is the completely the wrong mindset to be in if you are looking for one.


Also you said 'attractive' and not just a women. Do you need just 'attractive' women to validate you?
I think if you dig deep you will start to maybe realise you approach to women isn't best way to find someone special.
 
Edward W said:
Well how would you speak to a guy you might want to be friends with? Just do that.

That's actually what I did to break out of the fear and shyness in talking to guys when I was younger.
 
Littlesecret said:
Have you never been attracted to someone's personality? Sometimes personality attraction comes first then the physical attraction.

When I'm attracted to someone, I'm attracted to all of that person. An ugly inside spoils the rest. Most of my girlfriends have not been physically attractive, so I feel like with all of the hell I've been through I should hope for someone that's attractive through and through.

Littlesecret said:
Also if getting maced and cries of sexual harassment is a problem when you talk to womn maybe you should switch up your style of wooing. Lol

I use hyperbole to disarm something that would be otherwise serious to keep people from feeling too emotionally invested in a discussion. ;) But my modus operandi definitely needs work, yeah.
 
I don't see Dissident saying that he only wants supermodels. Just someone he's attracted to.

Give me a cute geeky girl with glasses, who's intelligent, funny, and generally a great person to be around, and she's suddenly worth more than the blond bombshells. Not to say that I wouldn't date a blond bombshell, if she had the traits I was looking for.

It's not fair to date someone who finds you attractive enough to kiss, and you cringe inside every time you kiss her back.
 
Hi, Simon. Wow. Where to begin? :)

I used to go to a public place and make it my goal to talk to five women in a 60 minute span, and hold each conversation for a minimum of 60 seconds. I started with open-ended questions, never asking a question that could end with a simple yes or no.

I thought of these women as if they were my sister or mother or platonic friend. My mission was not to get phone numbers or dates. My mission was to increase my confidence.

Some women will reject you if you try to talk to them. Rejection is a fact of life. It sucks, but don't take it personally. Just move on to the next conversation.

Here's another way to approach a woman in a public place. Try saying something like:

"Excuse me. Hi. I only have a moment to spare, but I'm shopping for my sister's birthday. She's about your size and I'm wondering if you could recommend a cool clothing store for women around here. I admit I'm not very good at shopping for women, but I really want to make her happy."

I said a variation of this same paragraph to a woman who was standing and fiddling with her phone, but once I started, I had her full attention throughout. She could not have been more nice to me. She gave me three store names, her friends even helped, and the whole thing took less than two minutes. It was a nice moment.

Anyway, I recommend two books for you: One is called "Feel the Fear . . . and Do It Anyway" by Susan Jeffers Ph.D. The second book is the classic, "How To Win Friends And Influence People" by Dale Carnegie. These books are great launching pads for the new, more confident you.

I wish you well in your continued improvement.
 
LeaningIntoTheMuse said:
I don't see Dissident saying that he only wants supermodels. Just someone he's attracted to.

If this is directed at me, I never said anything about supermodels. The word attractive is clearly a subjective term because everyone sees beauty different.

I personally don't think I'm ugly person (tooting my own horn) but I would prefer someone being attracted to my personality first then looks after.


Dissident said:
When I'm attracted to someone, I'm attracted to all of that person. An ugly inside spoils the rest. Most of my girlfriends have not been physically attractive, so I feel like with all of the hell I've been through I should hope for someone that's attractive through and through.
Thats fair enough :)
So I'm guess you finally dumped your blackmailing girlfriend? If so I wish you good luck in the future too.
 

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