need advice/consultation regarding few issues

Hello ALF. I registered here few months ago but never decided to post a thread. So here I am now doing it. Anyways, You guys should know that I'm not native english speaking person so I apologize in advance if You won't understand some parts of this post.

So, I'm a young guy, 22 years old, have very good sense of humor, sufficiently intelligent (as everyone says, I don't like to brag.) Problem I'm having with involves social skills, shyness, insecurity, low self-esteem (if we can call it so), and loneliness which have been along the way with me my whole life! Even though I know more than my contemporaries or even older guys, does not help me in my private life in any way. Whole my life I've been lonely, never had any guts to initiate conversation with a female nor even complement them. And missed few "100%-ish" chances as well I may mention. I think I'm afraid of being rejected. And I'm okay for long time with being "lonely". I've accepted it. and I somehow like it. But something inside still wants to fight against it. Problem is I don't know how to start. I'm always nervous around girls, I feel shy etc.. Even if some girl show some interest in me, I push them away before they get a chance to do whatever they supposed to say or do. EVEN if I get to talk to the girl which happens once in a decade, our conversation lasts no longer than two minutes because I don't really know how to run a conversation. What could possibly two people (especially with different interests) be talking about I'm thinking to myself often u know. I'm more like a realist and I don't like the "new look" to the life, if u know what I mean. I guess you guys can call me old-fashioned but it is so, even though I'm young. I can't get anything in common with a girl younger than 28. I grew up around older men and maybe that affected me in some way too (not that way!! =) ). Maybe grew little faster than I should have. Most of my friends are at least 8-10 years older than me. I avoid group of young people often since we almost never have anything in common. I really value my time even though I don't do anything valuable. I screwed up college, and I'm very bad at formal education generally. Don't like the idea of it. I like to learn everything by myself and it works much better in most cases. By failing college, mother lost her confidence in me. She don't really think I can do anything by myself. By the way, I've been living without my family for six years, actually surviving so I've been thru a lot of sh*t (sorry for language), but I can't proof it. Not that I need it. They just think that I've been fooling around six years in Europe when actually those times I got all this sh*t discovered in me. Worked 12-14 straight hours since 14-15 years old. I think sometimes I need to appreciate that I didn't end up with nervous breakdown. And her lack of confidence in me also reflects me in some way I think. It keeps me down u know. I just want her to be proud of me like any other child. And i can't accomplish that and it makes me even more sad, angry person. By the way, I always dreamed of living in States, Chicago particularly. Have a car, girlfriend, decent job like everyone else. But if I can solve this problem I won't be needing any of those believe me. Because sometimes it seems so impossible that even Freud wouldn't be able to solve my problems. I don't know, maybe it is some kind of syndrome, disorder, I don't know. I don't even have the possibility to get a professional help. I'm just killing myself little bit of every day with these thoughts. I would lie if I said that I haven't thought of a suicide. I don't know what to do anymore. And I've been in this situation few years and it is not getting better. I try to entertain myself from time to time with movies, music, paper & interesting articles. I think that would be it for now. Otherwise it gets bigger and bigger with every sentence and I'm afraid no one would read it =)

One more thing, I don't even know if there's any "certified" consultants here or someone who've been thru this kind of thing before. I just hope to find someone out there who might show/explain to me what to do.

Thank You! Hope I didn't bored You with my problems.
J

Hey there, welcome to the forum. I'm not sure if I have any good thing to say to help you at the moment but I do hope you find what you're looking for. I'm sure there are a number of other people here who can relate to your situation.

You sound a lot like me. I'm actually good at formal education, and I don't have the work ethic (job-wise) you seem to, and I'm 28 (male, though), but your overall sentiment sounds a lot like me now, and over the past several years.

I don't really have any advice, unfortunately, because I'm as lost as you are, and a big problem is a lack of guidance (or knowing how or where to find it). But I can definitely relate to how you feel. Good luck with finding a way out of it.

I am really good at nerdy things, but have a harder time socializing, so I can relate.

It's so easy to work with things that are the same way every time, but harder to judge when you will hurt someone unintentionally.

pizh0n said:

Problem I'm having with involves social skills, shyness, insecurity, low self-esteem (if we can call it so), and loneliness which have been along the way with me my whole life! Even though I know more than my contemporaries or even older guys, does not help me in my private life in any way.

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Unfortunately, social skills are one of those things that need to be worked on. You cannot just wake up one day and BOOM Social Skills level 99!
It's something that needs to be worked on daily. But not even something you realistically need to work on. Just by going out in your daily life, having a chat with a few new people a day... You're increasing your social skills, your confidence and your self-esteem.
When you go buy something from the shops, ask the tender about their day. How things are going and what-not. Yeah, you may not get a huge response for them depending on if they're busy... But they'll appreciate that you care, and you might be surprised at how they respond. I speak from experience working in Retail. It's a small example, but many smalls victories equal a larger one.

Work on small things like that, and that may very well help you with public places, general conversations with people, and may even help you come out of your shell a little bit

pizh0n said:

Whole my life I've been lonely, never had any guts to initiate conversation with a female nor even complement them. And missed few "100%-ish" chances as well I may mention. I think I'm afraid of being rejected. And I'm okay for long time with being "lonely". I've accepted it.

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You know what, I can empathise with you 100% here.
I find it so hard to rack up the courage to talk to a girl, especially if I like her. The whole time I talk to her... I have this thing in my head that she knows exactly what I'm thinking, and I get extremely paranoid at the idea that she's immediately on to me before I can even do anything.
That's just me though.

I have a huge fear of rejection, and that causes me to not act on feelings that I should have. I've done it very recently actually, where a girl I really liked KNEW I liked her. Her answer of whether or not she thought the same had already been decided for a good TWO OR THREE MONTHS...
I did nothing.
The fear of rejection caused inaction. That inaction cost me a girl that I wanted more than anything in the world. She's very recently started dating someone else. Even now that I know I have absolutely 0 chance, I still can't tell her.
What do you need to do about this fear of rejection? You need to work on it.
How?
I haven't quite figured this part out yet... Unfortunately.
You need to take baby steps... With things like this, you always need to start small. That's about the best I can offer you in this regard... But know that you're definitely not alone.

pizh0n said:

And I somehow like it. But something inside still wants to fight against it. Problem is I don't know how to start. I'm always nervous around girls, I feel shy etc.. Even if some girl show some interest in me, I push them away before they get a chance to do whatever they supposed to say or do. EVEN if I get to talk to the girl which happens once in a decade, our conversation lasts no longer than two minutes because I don't really know how to run a conversation.

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I can empathize with this as well. There have been a lot of points in my life where I've believed I could never have a girlfriend. That I would never wind up happy. That there was no "one" for me.
But as much as I tried to tell myself it could never happen... I'd never believe it 100%. There would always be this part of me, this part that would refuse against all odds to give up. I always thought it was just me being stubborn... But maybe it's me being realistic.
Do I really believe that there is no girl for me in this world? Do I really believe that I have no shot with anyone? That I can't talk to girls?

Absolutely not.

What I believe, deep down... Is that I have fears. I need to work on them. But I know with all my heart that there is someone out there for me. I know I can talk to girls if I try. I know I have a shot with whoever I want to have a shot with. I know that I can talk to girls. I've proven myself wrong in the past.
Sometimes it's just hard to keep sight of that.

I also know what it's like to be shy, not talk to that one girl that you like.
Finally, I know what it's like to not be able to have a conversation with her. That no matter how hard I try... I can't seem to spark it.
I know that I'm trying to hard. You probably are too. When a conversation is forced, you both know it and it's difficult to keep it alive.
It needs to flow... Ask her about herself... Always the best thing to do. If she works somewhere "So, how long have you been working here?" "Studying at all?"
Things like that. Of course, don't just throw it out there.. Doesn't work for me at least.

People are a lot stronger than we give ourselves credit for. The human body is an incredible thing, built to go through immense physical and mental stress, pain without ever giving up. Our bodies aren't meant to give up. Neither are our minds.

pizh0n said:

What could possibly two people (especially with different interests) be talking about I'm thinking to myself often u know.

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The weather... Sport... How their day is going, life in general. Politics. Everyone has an opinion. If you ask someone for theirs, they'll want to tell you... Regardless of how different your interests are.
If there's one thing I've learnt about humans, we love to talk about ourselves. What matters to us. We love to be heard.

pizh0n said:

I'm more like a realist and I don't like the "new look" to the life, if u know what I mean. I guess you guys can call me old-fashioned but it is so, even though I'm young. I can't get anything in common with a girl younger than 28. I grew up around older men and maybe that affected me in some way too (not that way!! =) ). Maybe grew little faster than I should have.

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If you're a realist, then you should know that realistically; if you think this way... There are other people in the world who will think the similarly.
If you've grown up too fast, you can be certain there are women out there who have as well. People who have been in a similar situation, male or female.
Don't worry man. You'll find someone.

pizh0n said:

By failing college, mother lost her confidence in me. She don't really think I can do anything by myself.

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So what if she doesn't think you can do anything by yourself? Prove her wrong.
You're working 12 - 14 hours a day. Most of the people I know complain after EIGHT hours.. So you're definitely doing something by yourself.
You sound like a hard worker, you sound like you're dedicated to what you do.
Neither of these are bad qualities. In fact, both of these are getting harder and harder to find as time goes on.
I personally know you can do something by yourself, I sure as hell wouldn't be able to do that. Especially knowing my family won't be behind my back to help me out.

pizh0n said:

And her lack of confidence in me also reflects me in some way I think. It keeps me down u know. I just want her to be proud of me like any other child. And i can't accomplish that and it makes me even more sad, angry person.

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I can understand this. But she must be proud of you in some way. If she isn't than at the very least know that I'M proud of you. You've done an awesome job at just about everything. She must have ridiculous standards, or must be blind to see that you're actually trying to do something with yourself.

You'll accomplish it some day. You're accomplishing it now.
I'd like to think we're all put here on this earth to do great things. And I like to think it's true. We're all destined for greatness, you, me, everyone in this forum.

Hang in there, you're certainly not doing badly. You just need to work on those few minor problems you have and you'll be golden.
You've got a good sense of humor, people LOVE humor!
You're intelligent, I for one love to have intellectual discussions with people. Other people must too.
You've got things going for you. Improve and show the world what you're made of!