Not sure what to think

So there's this female friend of mine. (LONG STORY ALERT!)

We go way back... before we were in high school, but we didn't become close until we were both in college. She's pretty much the only person from my high school that I still see on a regular basis. We try to meet up whenever I'm on break from school, usually for a meal and then whatever random activity we've decided on for that day. We have a lot of fun together and have a good thing going, is what I'm saying.

We are practically polar opposites of each other. She's outgoing and confident, while I'm shy and introverted. I'm a science geek, while she can't remember the freezing temperature of water. She's had a generous share of dating experience, while I've never had anyone. Worst of all, she listens to country music and gangsta rap while I prefer video game and classical music . Still I appreciate that she's an honest, ambitious person with a good sense of humor. It's kind of ironic that I kept in touch with her out of all the people I used to get along with in high school. I never considered her to be my type in a romantic sense but always found her company refreshing, and we would often joke about my failed attempts at finding a date. I have to emphasize, this was a completely platonic friendship for years and it was never even a topic of discussion for either of us. Okay moving on...

We've started meeting up again since it's now my summer break, but lately I feel like she's been acting different around me. Well not that different actually, except she's a lot more "touchy" than she usually is. Little things like touching my arm to get my attention, and having it linger. Or teasing me by patting my head or messing with the back of my neck and ear. One time we were playing a game on her phone the other day at her apartment, and she showed me how to play by swiping her finger across my arm a couple of times. She went out of her way to do it, if you know what I mean. If it were just one or two instances I wouldn't make a big deal out of it, but I'm noticing a definite trend of her being more comfortable physically with me. I don't know if any of it means anything, except I think I've now developed a bit of crush on her. It doesn't take very much for me to feel this way since any deliberate physical contact from a female is like a gift from heaven... yes I'm pathetic, I know...

Here's the thing though... she's currently "involved" with two other guys but isn't committed to either of them. They also don't know of each others' existence. One of them is her old boyfriend whom she broke up with due to distance reasons *cough*but they still kind of like each other so it's like they're still together even though they've decided to see other people*cough*. The other guy is decent but also kind of a controlling jerk, and she told me she isn't that into him but likes him enough to stay with him casually for the time being. I think this entire situation smells btw, and have told her as such. She claims she likes things the way they are now. It's her life, right? But it makes her intentions that much murkier. Not to mention severely limits my options here as I'm reluctant to throw my hat into the ring, as it were.

My instincts tell me she's trying to flirt with me but my brain is telling me there's nothing going on here... and I don't trust my instincts in the first place, so yeah I'm 120% confused right now. I think I just need someone to confirm that I'm being delusional. Any volunteers?

It sounds like she is flirting with you. I'm no expert, but that sounds like textbook flirting. The question is, do you want to get involved with her even though she's with two other guys?

Locke said:

It sounds like she is flirting with you. I'm no expert, but that sounds like textbook flirting. The question is, do you want to get involved with her even though she's with two other guys?

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To be perfectly honest, I do and I'm not sure if that's a good thing. I know that sounds like a terrible answer. But despite her messy dating status I have a lot of respect for her, and I believe we could have a good relationship if we gave it a try. It would be my first time dating anyone so maybe it would take some pressure away knowing it would probably be just for fun and nothing more. It could be that she's just not into the other two guys and wants somebody more... accessible? Eh, who knows. I'm so accustomed to falling for friends at this point that I'm already expecting disappointment in the end.

This is a bit of a hard one. Personally I don't think she'll take you seriously in a relationship because you two have been good friends and I don't think she's ready to 'settle down' yet with one person. If she's still dating those other two guys don't play yourself like that. Probably best to keep things as they are

My... her situation sounds complicated. Sure you wanna meddle into that sort of thing?

I'll say, continue just being friends. Things will change forever - if you change that and things go weird... you gotta remember, she's involved with 2 guys, them both not knowing of each other's existence. Shouldn't she have been honest? What if she were to do that to you someday?

I see red flags...

ladyforsaken said:

My... her situation sounds complicated. Sure you wanna meddle into that sort of thing?

I'll say, continue just being friends. Things will change forever - if you change that and things go weird... you gotta remember, she's involved with 2 guys, them both not knowing of each other's existence. Shouldn't she have been honest? What if she were to do that to you someday?

I see red flags...

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Yes I agree, she should have been honest. I told her so and all she said was that she's afraid they would get mad at her. So she's now going to great lengths to hide them from each other even though she's technically not exclusive to either of them. Weird isn't it?

I know it would be a huge risk to try anything with her at this time so I don't think I will. It's just that... it feels so nice to think I'm wanted as a boyfriend for once, which is something I've seen happen to other people but almost never to myself. I can't express how badly I want to be with somebody who knows me well and cares about me. I'm sure she does care about me to some extent (if she really is intentionally giving out signals), but I can't be sure what her motives are. She could be doing this for mostly selfish reasons. Then again, mine are as well.

I've thought some more and concluded that I wouldn't be comfortable with the open kind of relationship that she seems to prefer. There's simply too many... variables. And I wouldn't want to get on the bad side of Boyfriend A who's over 6 feet tall and twice my size. A part of me is still hoping that I'll be the one guy who she decides is right for her, and then it'll all be roses and sunshine from that point forward. But that's admittedly unlikely. The whole "other guys" thing is a dealbreaker and it makes me very sad.

Looks like I'm back to being lonely again.

Revengineer said:

It's just that... it feels so nice to think I'm wanted as a boyfriend for once, which is something I've seen happen to other people but almost never to myself. I can't express how badly I want to be with somebody who knows me well and cares about me. I'm sure she does care about me to some extent (if she really is intentionally giving out signals), but I can't be sure what her motives are. She could be doing this for mostly selfish reasons. Then again, mine are as well.

Looks like I'm back to being lonely again.

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Well at least you're thinking logically, Rev.

Don't despair, other women may come along and find you as interesting as she would, she's friends with you for a reason right. And whatever her motive is, it shows that it is possible to happen with any other woman.

Chin up, Rev, I hope for the best for you. *hugs*

Thanks. I'm glad there were people here who brought me back from the edge, so to speak.

I think if she keeps up the flirting, I should at least ask her what's going on in her mind. If it turns out I misread her then we can laugh it off and I can get over it. If I happen to be right, then I'll admit that I like her but can't be with her as long as she's seeing other people. Hopefully it won't blow up in my face.

I agree with Ladyforsaken.

No doubt it sounds like she's flirting with you... But her situation is messy.

I'd be making sure not to get too involved in the whole thing.
It'd be interesting if the two guys found out about her... And they both ended up leaving her alone...

Keep us posted I guess?

I agree that she is flirting but I also see it as bad news that there are two other guys involved. If she likes you that much, she would drop the other two guys and just want to be with you. It's not worth it to be cheated on and be someone's "on the side" person.

She's probably just a plain 'ol flirt. Don't get involved in this train-wreck. You'll be better off for it.

that part you said about the first guy is that they see other people bc of long distance but are still technically together. Well let me put it this way so when they see each other... they most definitely fresia. unless I am totally wrong. I say don't get involved with her or just straight up talk to her about it and tell her she is being flirty and that you don't want to be with her bc she has two other guys .... and she shouldn't have two other guys honestly so I assume she isn't a good girl.

Keep us posted on how things are. I know it's hard to resist sometimes. Especially since you've been her friend for a long time. I wouldn't get involved with her though, it would probably end up horrible in the end. And she's involved with two guys to boouot. You deserve someone who only puts time in for you and only you!

We're sitting at a coffee shop right now and she's happily chatting away with Boyfriend A on her phone. And she's got a date set up with Boyfriend B later tonight.

Yeah, it's not happening between us. Oh well.

That's a shame Revengineer, but you probably did the right thing. Its her loss, not yours.