True Loneliness Searching for the 5%

Loneliness i think is something every human being experiences from time to time. I think very few people ever experience true loneliness though. A dull aching need that never seems to be filled.Soul Cancer eating away at the core of who you are.

What do you do when the loneliness you feel cant be filled by the majority of other people? When the more people you meet the more alone you feel? Most people have a little voice in their head that tells them itll be okay, even when the rest of the world is against them. That part of the human spirit that rises up against adversity no matter what the cost to keep trying. But what happens when even that little voice seems to be against you?

Thats sort of what its like inside my head. I love people, desire to have friends and close relationships more than anything in the world. But that very desire causes me not to be able to be who i truly am and that causes unease around people and it pushes people away because i come across as that desperate needy person. Its a byproduct of APD (Avoidant Personality Disorder) that causes this. I go over and over things in my head and dwell on things most normal people wouldnt give a second thought to.

The loneliest thing of all though is knowing the vast majority of people will never truly know me for who i am because thats how the world works. In the past 4 months or so ive started to like myself a lot more, build up my self esteem. I genuinely like myself now. I keep repeating, other peoples opinion of me is none of my business. Because at the end of the day the only opinions that matter are mine and Gods. But i question if the majority of people out there are even people i want to know once i get past this horrible disease in my head thats twisted my thinking these past 30 plus years, and forced me to view the world as a hostile instead of welcoming place. For example i think its a really horrible world we live in when there has to be a warning label on forums that says if you encourage people to commit suicide you may be banned. I realize its a necessity and thats the world we live in but it still makes me sad theres people like that in the world.

I want to get past this and see the good in people, the beauty in life, experience joy and everything that truly makes life worth living. Ive done my time in the dark and im walking out into the light but even without my own personal demons whispering in my ear that everybodys out to get me. People still honestly seem like 95% of them are self centered back stabiing hatefilled creatures of malice.

They say people with social anxiety and APD are very judgemental of other people. Its a by product where we judge them before they can judge us and im genuinely trying not to be that way.What i mean by judge is that we automatically assume everybodys bad, guilty until proven innocent so to speak. Id just really like to meet some good hearted honest people who dont have some hidden agenda or feel the need to lie every other sentence. I want to see the good in people not the bad but its so hard when people keep proving the demons right.

I really like somebodys quote on here i read that said. If youre always judging people you dont have time to love them. Theres a lot of truth in that........


So anyways i dont know if ill spend much time on these forums or not, its just another stop on my journey of self discovery and coming out of the dark but I wish everybody here all the best and hope that youre able to break out of your own dark places and find whatever it is youre seeking as well and find the friendships and the pieces of yourself to fill that jigsaw puzzle of loneliness. I dont know that ill ever find the 5% but i keep looking and hoping. I know deep down theres still some good in people.

I don't think there's really any way to tell what percent of bad or good people, or even if there's a majority of either, in the world though. (I'm guessing it's about 50/50 though.)

ahah, that was my quote I think, thanks for noticing

Many years ago, say, ten, I was exactly like you, everyone was guilty until otherwise proven, and my life was pretty horrible. I never thought that it might have been because of my social anxiety, but now that you explain how that works, it makes sense.
Afterwards, I brainwashed myself to think that people are mostly unaware and self-oriented but not necessarily bad (me included) and my life has greatly improved since, some days I am even in an Amelie Poulain-ish haze of universal love and connectedness.
What I would like to point out is that both attitudes are completely ungrounded, people are what they are, and for me what they are will always be a mystery, and that the problem in both attitudes is that one sees people only as they are in relation to oneself, but most of the time people don't even notice my existence or think about me that much. Since I decided to go for the second attitude my daily life is (mostly) filled with serenity, although I feel I am ignoring (sometimes voluntarily) a lot of the bad stuff. Once upon a time I used to prefer harsh truth to gullibility, or worse, hypocrisy. Now, maybe I am getting old, but I can't have all that pain and bleakness around all the time, and I made a choice to be gullible (hypocrite, never, but to someone like me used to saying everything clear and loud even abstaining from a remark because it could hurt someone feels like hypocrisy). Anyway, I don't know what I am trying to say here, but maybe one is influenced to see everyone bad by childhood experiences or family, for me it was both, while others with different experiences see the world as a welcoming place all the time, and that this view is something that can be learned.

alohdrahon said:

They say people with social anxiety and APD are very judgemental of other people. Its a by product where we judge them before they can judge us and im genuinely trying not to be that way.What i mean by judge is that we automatically assume everybodys bad, guilty until proven innocent so to speak. Id just really like to meet some good hearted honest people who dont have some hidden agenda or feel the need to lie every other sentence. I want to see the good in people not the bad but its so hard when people keep proving the demons right.

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I don't always assume that everyone is bad, but I do assume that everyone thinks I'm a bad person, or not worth talking to, or a few dozen other things. I guess I assume everyone will treat me like honeysuckle, so in that way I do judge them. I also tend to take things too personally. I don't know, I guess it all amounts to judgement.


Anyway, if you're looking for good-hearted honest people, you've come to the right forum! There are a lot of nice people here.

murmi97 said:

I don't think there's really any way to tell what percent of bad or good people, or even if there's a majority of either, in the world though. (I'm guessing it's about 50/50 though.)

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I was mainly talking about the ones i keep running into personally because im just really lucky i guess lol but yeah i agree theres no real way to tell. Im working very hard on seeing the good in people as opposed to the bad its just slow going when youve been thinking one way your entire life. Hey im an INFJ also. Least that last myers brig i took said i was. I wonder sometimes are certain personality types more prone to loneliness than others.

Peaches said:

ahah, that was my quote I think, thanks for noticing

Many years ago, say, ten, I was exactly like you, everyone was guilty until otherwise proven, and my life was pretty horrible. I never thought that it might have been because of my social anxiety, but now that you explain how that works, it makes sense.
Afterwards, I brainwashed myself to think that people are mostly unaware and self-oriented but not necessarily bad (me included) and my life has greatly improved since, some days I am even in an Amelie Poulain-ish haze of universal love and connectedness.
What I would like to point out is that both attitudes are completely ungrounded, people are what they are, and for me what they are will always be a mystery, and that the problem in both attitudes is that one sees people only as they are in relation to oneself, but most of the time people don't even notice my existence or think about me that much. Since I decided to go for the second attitude my daily life is (mostly) filled with serenity, although I feel I am ignoring (sometimes voluntarily) a lot of the bad stuff. Once upon a time I used to prefer harsh truth to gullibility, or worse, hypocrisy. Now, maybe I am getting old, but I can't have all that pain and bleakness around all the time, and I made a choice to be gullible (hypocrite, never, but to someone like me used to saying everything clear and loud even abstaining from a remark because it could hurt someone feels like hypocrisy). Anyway, I don't know what I am trying to say here, but maybe one is influenced to see everyone bad by childhood experiences or family, for me it was both, while others with different experiences see the world as a welcoming place all the time, and that this view is something that can be learned.

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Hey yeah that was your quote, kewl I get what youre saying and theres a lot of wisdom in that too. You are at the point im working to try to get to now. Im working very very hard on being more positive and i realize its a choice what we choose to see in life. I just get caught up sometimes because of all this time alone and its easy to forget good things are all around. I try not to take anything in life for granted but some days are better than others as far as that goes. And since you let me borrow your quote in my original post, heres one in trade i stumbled on today you might like. "The real voyage of discovery consists not in seeking new landscapes but in having new eyes." - Marcel Proust Theres another one by Dr Wayne Dyer thats similar that says when the way you look at things changes, the things you look at change. Or something like that my memory sucks lol.

Locke said:

I don't always assume that everyone is bad, but I do assume that everyone thinks I'm a bad person, or not worth talking to, or a few dozen other things. I guess I assume everyone will treat me like honeysuckle, so in that way I do judge them. I also tend to take things too personally. I don't know, I guess it all amounts to judgement.


Anyway, if you're looking for good-hearted honest people, you've come to the right forum! There are a lot of nice people here.

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For what its worth ive just met you but i dont assume youre bad, you seem like a cool person. You and peaches have replied to two of my posts and i really appreciate that. Btw i seen in another thread you said you got into the final fantasy beta. How is that btw? I got an invite the other day but i havent gotten around to installing it yet.

Hello INFJ
I'm an INFP. INFJ's are awesome. We have some simularities, though I may be a bit more of a dreamer...lol

alohdrahon said:

murmi97 said:

I don't think there's really any way to tell what percent of bad or good people, or even if there's a majority of either, in the world though. (I'm guessing it's about 50/50 though.)

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I was mainly talking about the ones i keep running into personally because im just really lucky i guess lol but yeah i agree theres no real way to tell. Im working very hard on seeing the good in people as opposed to the bad its just slow going when youve been thinking one way your entire life. Hey im an INFJ also. Least that last myers brig i took said i was. I wonder sometimes are certain personality types more prone to loneliness than others.

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Sensing Introverts are more prone, possibly, from what I've observed anyway. But Intuitives mostly feel misunderstood a lot of the time which leads to it as well.

murmi97 said:

Sensing Introverts are more prone, possibly, from what I've observed anyway. But Intuitives mostly feel misunderstood a lot of the time which leads to it as well.

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Murmi, your an INFJ! That is so cool. Hey, you two should talk. Who better to know an INFJ than an INFJ? That's cool

I'm an INFJ too, do I win a cookie?

Cavey said:

I'm an INFJ too, do I win a cookie?

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Really Cavey? Wow, INFJs everywhere ;p So if I need a protector, I can call you? A British James Bond. I can see it now. Do you prefer oreos or biscuits? Lemme guess. Biscuits and tea. ;p Not to worry, I won't serve you the american tea. How about a nice puerh or oolong?

alohdrahon said:

Locke said:

I don't always assume that everyone is bad, but I do assume that everyone thinks I'm a bad person, or not worth talking to, or a few dozen other things. I guess I assume everyone will treat me like honeysuckle, so in that way I do judge them. I also tend to take things too personally. I don't know, I guess it all amounts to judgement.


Anyway, if you're looking for good-hearted honest people, you've come to the right forum! There are a lot of nice people here.

Click to expand...

For what its worth ive just met you but i dont assume youre bad, you seem like a cool person. You and peaches have replied to two of my posts and i really appreciate that. Btw i seen in another thread you said you got into the final fantasy beta. How is that btw? I got an invite the other day but i havent gotten around to installing it yet.

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Thanks I'll have to get back to you on how that beta is, I haven't had a chance to start playing yet. Still trying to decide on the PC or PS3 version.

In many ways I am the same as you. I see the world as a cold place and most people as either indifferent at best or hostile at worst. And I have the dull aching need of being totally alone, the soul cancer which you mentioned, inside me all the time as well. I don't know how to move out of this place as so many of my experiences have reinforced this negativity. It is hard to learn to trust others and to reshape our view of the world. Maybe we can only do it one person at a time. Reach out to a therapist, and then to someone else who seems decent, and hopefully we will begin to trust.

Naleena said:

Hello INFJ
I'm an INFP. INFJ's are awesome. We have some simularities, though I may be a bit more of a dreamer...lol

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I dont know about the more of a dreamer part, i live just about everyday inside my head lol. If i didnt i wouldnt have anybody to talk to

murmi97 said:

Sensing Introverts are more prone, possibly, from what I've observed anyway. But Intuitives mostly feel misunderstood a lot of the time which leads to it as well.

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Id definitely agree with that last part. It drives me nuts, fortunately thats a short drive so i guess im okay lol.

Cavey said:

I'm an INFJ too, do I win a cookie?

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Yep ive been tyring not to eat so many so you can have my stash i had stored away.

Locke said:

Thanks I'll have to get back to you on how that beta is, I haven't had a chance to start playing yet. Still trying to decide on the PC or PS3 version.

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Definitely PC for me, i dont think i could play an mmo on a console unless i had that keyboard mouse thing they have for it. I cant play shooters on a console either, when i first got my ps3 i had bought like a huge bunch of shooters and i cant play a single one of them with the controller, I even got this weird controller thing here http://www.splitfish.com/index.php/en/products/5-produkte/118-fragfx-shark-ps3 that made it even worse, so finally i gave up lol. PC gaming spoiled me for anything else longterm i think.Which sucks theres a lot of good console games, like i really wanna get that new The Last of Us game.

Tiina63 said:

In many ways I am the same as you. I see the world as a cold place and most people as either indifferent at best or hostile at worst. And I have the dull aching need of being totally alone, the soul cancer which you mentioned, inside me all the time as well. I don't know how to move out of this place as so many of my experiences have reinforced this negativity. It is hard to learn to trust others and to reshape our view of the world. Maybe we can only do it one person at a time. Reach out to a therapist, and then to someone else who seems decent, and hopefully we will begin to trust.

Click to expand...

I dont always see it like that, im working on changing it. Im doing this program for my APD by this guy Dr Thomas A Richards its called overcoming social anxiety step by step and its helping me alot to change my view but its just such a slow process. Even when people dont do anything wrong my minds been thinking this way so long it starts to fill in the blanks and make stuff up almost. Automatic negative thinking is a part of APD too and so im conquering a lot of that but i still have a ways to go. I believe it does start one person at a time. Thats why im having such a hard time i guess besides my family i dont have anybody really to build on . Hardest part for me is meeting those people, good or bad. So maybe once i get past the anxiety part and i can get out there and actually meet some people (good and bad) ill have a starting point. Im not giving up though, in my heart im an optimist and i know theres good in people, i just forget sometimes. I think i was having a really bad day that day i posted this. It comes and goes for me now. Thankfully i have more good days than bad lately.