RonYells
Well-known member
In the past couple weeks I was kinda putting a relatively big part of my time on this business idea I had. It's never been done before here in my country, and I really think that would be my big break, given enough time to foster. Anyway, the bubble burst yesterday when I found out it is impossible to be a profitable business (manufacturing costs, long-term market trends, etc.).
That is all relevant to this post because not only did I truly believe in that idea, but it was supposed to be my key defining moment where I would finally stop being a nobody. I'd finally have something to show for myself and others. I believe that lasting happiness comes from having substantial achievements, of doing something of relevance to society. I would never be happy just being a number, being just a nobody. Being a nobody makes me unhappy. Unhappy makes me a recluse. Recluse makes me lonely. Lonely makes me unmotivated. Unmotivated makes me not work on anything substantial. Not working on anything substantial makes me a nobody. Thus the cycle continues. I was there, I was ready to break the cycle. Yet, fresia me, here I am again.
Why do I have this need to be big? Was I a neglected kid? I don't remember much from childhood. Is this normal?
How do I stop deluding myself of visions of grandeur? I've tried using logic and reason to constantly keep myself in check, but I also know easy it is for the mind to be biased for its own sake. I guess I'm not smart enough to be a genius. Just someone who will keep on trying and acting and pretending to be one. I want to be smart, because I've got nothing else. At least if I'm a genius-level smart, I've got an excuse why I don't interact much and well enough, like most people do. Truth is, I'm just a really broken and messed-up guy, whose fears and insecurities are so embedded in him, that he will never know the truth about himself. Meanwhile there are endless media to keep fooling myself I'm doing anything. Video games, movies, what have you. The more I try to resist, the more I succumb. Feels like being Sisyphus again. It feels like I am stuck in a perpetual pre-adolescent body.
Ever since I entered college I've always had this thought that I would have sorted my life by 24.
I'm now 23, and I still don't know who I am, what I'm good at, where do I want to go, and everything I do always turns out to be honeysuckle and half-assed. All the while I see everyone I know going somewhere with their lives.
That is all relevant to this post because not only did I truly believe in that idea, but it was supposed to be my key defining moment where I would finally stop being a nobody. I'd finally have something to show for myself and others. I believe that lasting happiness comes from having substantial achievements, of doing something of relevance to society. I would never be happy just being a number, being just a nobody. Being a nobody makes me unhappy. Unhappy makes me a recluse. Recluse makes me lonely. Lonely makes me unmotivated. Unmotivated makes me not work on anything substantial. Not working on anything substantial makes me a nobody. Thus the cycle continues. I was there, I was ready to break the cycle. Yet, fresia me, here I am again.
Why do I have this need to be big? Was I a neglected kid? I don't remember much from childhood. Is this normal?
How do I stop deluding myself of visions of grandeur? I've tried using logic and reason to constantly keep myself in check, but I also know easy it is for the mind to be biased for its own sake. I guess I'm not smart enough to be a genius. Just someone who will keep on trying and acting and pretending to be one. I want to be smart, because I've got nothing else. At least if I'm a genius-level smart, I've got an excuse why I don't interact much and well enough, like most people do. Truth is, I'm just a really broken and messed-up guy, whose fears and insecurities are so embedded in him, that he will never know the truth about himself. Meanwhile there are endless media to keep fooling myself I'm doing anything. Video games, movies, what have you. The more I try to resist, the more I succumb. Feels like being Sisyphus again. It feels like I am stuck in a perpetual pre-adolescent body.
Ever since I entered college I've always had this thought that I would have sorted my life by 24.
I'm now 23, and I still don't know who I am, what I'm good at, where do I want to go, and everything I do always turns out to be honeysuckle and half-assed. All the while I see everyone I know going somewhere with their lives.