Is there hope of making friends if I have a bad personality?

Even when I manage to get past my anxiety, poor social skills and mistrust of people long enough to talk to someone, I'm never able to make a real connection. People seem indifferent to me, or maybe they just don't like me at all. I'm not really sure, since most people won't flat out say, "I don't like you". But indifference is a little easier to see.

I don't have much of a sense of humor anymore. I think I'm nice, but there are people here who are far nicer and more friendly than I am, and yet still somehow lonely. Being nice doesn't seem like enough. I don't know if I'm interesting or not, but I suspect I'm not.

So if I do learn to control my anxiety and work on my social skills, will it really make a difference? Is it possible to change my personality? And if it is, should I? Or is it better to stay true to who I am, even if who I am is a un-likable person?

I say all of the above with (almost) no self pity. I'm trying to work it out objectively. I guess I could also be over-thinking it.

Any thoughts?

There are people who doesn't have an even slight hint of "niceness" and they still have friends. Your problem isn't being nice enough. I think working on social skills will do you a lot of good, but not at the cost of staying true to who you are. Being socially adept and being true to who you are are not mutually exclusive. You're probably not an "un-likable person" like you say you are, but even if it were true, it shouldn't keep you from making friends.

Personally, I think your personality is just fine, Locke. Certainly not one I'd even remotely classify as "bad."

I said:

There are people who doesn't have an even slight hint of "niceness" and they still have friends. Your problem isn't being nice enough. I think working on social skills will do you a lot of good, but not at the cost of staying true to who you are. Being socially adept and being true to who you are are not mutually exclusive. You're probably not an "un-likable person" like you say you are, but even if it were true, it shouldn't keep you from making friends.

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So you're saying that an un-likable person doesn't have trouble making friends? Friends with who? If people don't like me, why exactly would they want to be friends with me? I agree that working on my social skills will help, I'm just not convinced its the answer to my loneliness problem.

So again I'll ask: Is it better to stay true to yourself and be lonely, or change who you are and have friends?

EveWasFramed said:

Personally, I think your personality is just fine, Locke. Certainly not one I'd even remotely classify as "bad."

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Thanks, Eve. It could be that I let my insecurities get to me even when I think they're not. I think that's the worst part of anxiety; how deceitful it is, like I'm lying to myself without knowing it.

I ran in to an old friend the other day. We used to be close, and even though I was happy to see her and perfectly calm, we just couldn't connect. I got the sense that because I'm not exactly the same person I was, she wasn't interested in knowing me.

I've had other problems connecting with people. But I'm probably worrying too much. I should concentrate on getting my anxiety under control, then worry about whether I'm boring or not.

Locke said:

Even when I manage to get past my anxiety, poor social skills and mistrust of people long enough to talk to someone, I'm never able to make a real connection. People seem indifferent to me, or maybe they just don't like me at all. I'm not really sure, since most people won't flat out say, "I don't like you". But indifference is a little easier to see.

I don't have much of a sense of humor anymore. I think I'm nice, but there are people here who are far nicer and more friendly than I am, and yet still somehow lonely. Being nice doesn't seem like enough. I don't know if I'm interesting or not, but I suspect I'm not.

So if I do learn to control my anxiety and work on my social skills, will it really make a difference? Is it possible to change my personality? And if it is, should I? Or is it better to stay true to who I am, even if who I am is a un-likable person?

I say all of the above with (almost) no self pity. I'm trying to work it out objectively. I guess I could also be over-thinking it.

Any thoughts?

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being 'funny' helps. Try to develop a sense of humour. Have a 'funny story' to say if you get talking to somebody.

duff said:

being 'funny' helps. Try to develop a sense of humour. Have a 'funny story' to say if you get talking to somebody.

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How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.

......I'll keep trying.

I relate Locke and heres my take on it:

First, I dont think your personality has a chance to shine until you get past that initial meet and small talk phase., hence its likely the majority of people havent even had a chance to know your personality and if they did they'de probably like you because you seem like a nice person.
Second, and this is from my perception about why I find it hard to make friends.... social awkwardness makes people uneasy. Its hard to talk to someone who is obviously nervous, uncomfortable and avoiding eye contact. If you were talking to someone who was uneasy like that, it would intensify your own awkwardness wouldn't it? Being bad with meeting new people and small talk makes it pretty hard to get past that stage and get to know the person.

So I think its not your personality people are disliking but the awkwardness that comes from talking to you... im certain this is the case for me because I have a good personality and a good sense of humor with people I am comfortable with but people who dont me im sure just think im weird.

As for your question Is it better to stay true to yourself and be lonely, or change who you are and have friends?

Definitely stay true to yourself! Its the most important thing you have going for you... being an honest, down to earth person. Work on social skills and sometime, some people will see your personality shine and they will love you for it.

Good luck
Nelloy

nelloy said:

First, I dont think your personality has a chance to shine until you get past that initial meet and small talk phase., hence its likely the majority of people havent even had a chance to know your personality and if they did they'de probably like you because you seem like a nice person.
Second, and this is from my perception about why I find it hard to make friends.... social awkwardness makes people uneasy. Its hard to talk to someone who is obviously nervous, uncomfortable and avoiding eye contact. If you were talking to someone who was uneasy like that, it would intensify your own awkwardness wouldn't it? Being bad with meeting new people and small talk makes it pretty hard to get past that stage and get to know the person.

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I'd agree with this.

I think also that some people create problems that aren't there, they over analyze themselves and certain situations which creates less confidence and unnecessary concern.

Locke said:

duff said:

being 'funny' helps. Try to develop a sense of humour. Have a 'funny story' to say if you get talking to somebody.

Click to expand...

How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Just one, but the light bulb really has to want to change.

......I'll keep trying.

Click to expand...

very good

You don't have to change who you are...improve who you are. Do things you enjoy and. Work on increasing your knowledge. People like those who have interesting things to say and who listen. I'm not saying you are not interesting, but you can be more interesting the more you know. You don't have to change who you are, just improve.

nelloy said:

I relate Locke and heres my take on it:

First, I dont think your personality has a chance to shine until you get past that initial meet and small talk phase., hence its likely the majority of people havent even had a chance to know your personality and if they did they'de probably like you because you seem like a nice person.
Second, and this is from my perception about why I find it hard to make friends.... social awkwardness makes people uneasy. Its hard to talk to someone who is obviously nervous, uncomfortable and avoiding eye contact. If you were talking to someone who was uneasy like that, it would intensify your own awkwardness wouldn't it? Being bad with meeting new people and small talk makes it pretty hard to get past that stage and get to know the person.

So I think its not your personality people are disliking but the awkwardness that comes from talking to you... im certain this is the case for me because I have a good personality and a good sense of humor with people I am comfortable with but people who dont me im sure just think im weird.

As for your question Is it better to stay true to yourself and be lonely, or change who you are and have friends?

Definitely stay true to yourself! Its the most important thing you have going for you... being an honest, down to earth person. Work on social skills and sometime, some people will see your personality shine and they will love you for it.

Good luck
Nelloy

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Makes sense. I am worse than you describe, nervousness and no eye contact is the least of it. But a few times lately when I've had my anxiety and nervousness under control and talked to people, they still seem uninterested. No one has ever had a problem with what I look like, my breath doesn't stink. What could it be that turns people away from me so often? Its difficult to work on social skills when no one wants to be around me.

But maybe its bad luck, and I'm probably being too impatient. I should also probably learn to like myself a little before I expect others to like me. Dealing with all of this seems impossible at times.

Thanks for the advice!

9006 said:

I think also that some people create problems that aren't there, they over analyze themselves and certain situations which creates less confidence and unnecessary concern.

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Good point, this could all be in my head. Over-thinking things can be just as dangerous as being overly emotional.

Naleena said:

You don't have to change who you are...improve who you are. Do things you enjoy and. Work on increasing your knowledge. People like those who have interesting things to say and who listen. I'm not saying you are not interesting, but you can be more interesting the more you know. You don't have to change who you are, just improve.

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Hmm, maybe so. Learning and self improvement can't hurt.


Thanks for the advice everyone! Working on my anxiety, my social skills and myself as a person all while trying not to worry so much is a lot (Plus my sense of humour). I honestly don't know if I can do it. But giving up is worse than trying and failing for the rest of my life, so I'll keep trying. Just expect more dumb threads from me in the future, because I really don't know what the hell I'm doing most of the time.

I don't think anyone can judge a personality as being 'bad' . It all depends on their personality (not yours); if they don't like you for who you are then that is their problem. That said, if you are not showing your personality completely then they may be missing out on the real you. You might need to be more socially confident and not afraid to show your true personality in its entirety. Maybe you need to hang out with people with compatible personalities which is probably easier said than done for anyone. And never change who you are. Love yourself for who you are.

Locke said:

Even when I manage to get past my anxiety, poor social skills and mistrust of people long enough to talk to someone, I'm never able to make a real connection. People seem indifferent to me, or maybe they just don't like me at all. I'm not really sure, since most people won't flat out say, "I don't like you". But indifference is a little easier to see.

I don't have much of a sense of humor anymore. I think I'm nice, but there are people here who are far nicer and more friendly than I am, and yet still somehow lonely. Being nice doesn't seem like enough. I don't know if I'm interesting or not, but I suspect I'm not.

So if I do learn to control my anxiety and work on my social skills, will it really make a difference? Is it possible to change my personality? And if it is, should I? Or is it better to stay true to who I am, even if who I am is a un-likable person?

I say all of the above with (almost) no self pity. I'm trying to work it out objectively. I guess I could also be over-thinking it.

Any thoughts?

Click to expand...

I don't see anxiety, mistrust of people, and poor social skills as personality characteristics. I see them more as learned patterns of behavior. People aren't born to automatically mistrust others. It's a response to feeling let down or hurt by others, regardless of whether they intended to or not. It's the same with social skills--depending on what environment you're in, you might get a lot of experience to interact with people, or you might not. Unlike your personality, which you are born with, you can overcome anxiety, mistrust, and learn better social skills.

I think the fact that you see yourself as an unlikable person indicates that you have some self-esteem issues that need to be worked on. I'm reading a great book right now called "Self-Esteem" by Gael Lindenfield, which talks all about recovering from low self-esteem and being hurt by others. I'd definitely recommend it.

Like a lot of other people here, I think it takes time for people to get to know you. Most people are indifferent to people they first meet, unless they share something they are both passionate about. I'm also awkward around new people. You might become more comfortable with someone if you see them on a regular basis. I'd suggest joining some sort of class or hobby group. You can also be introduced to new people through the friends you already have. Make an effort to get to know them.

And it's true that being awkward makes others awkward, so try not to think too much about whether the person likes you or not as you talk to them. *hugs*

Dear-_-Tragedy said:

I don't think anyone can judge a personality as being 'bad' . It all depends on their personality (not yours); if they don't like you for who you are then that is their problem. That said, if you are not showing your personality completely then they may be missing out on the real you. You might need to be more socially confident and not afraid to show your true personality in its entirety. Maybe you need to hang out with people with compatible personalities which is probably easier said than done for anyone. And never change who you are. Love yourself for who you are.

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That is a good point, and I would never expect everyone to like me. But some people have charismatic, likeable personalities, while others are just complete aholes to everyone they meet. I guess I'm somewhere in-between, but I have no idea where.

BlossomedInShadows said:

I don't see anxiety, mistrust of people, and poor social skills as personality characteristics. I see them more as learned patterns of behavior. People aren't born to automatically mistrust others. It's a response to feeling let down or hurt by others, regardless of whether they intended to or not. It's the same with social skills--depending on what environment you're in, you might get a lot of experience to interact with people, or you might not. Unlike your personality, which you are born with, you can overcome anxiety, mistrust, and learn better social skills.

I think the fact that you see yourself as an unlikable person indicates that you have some self-esteem issues that need to be worked on. I'm reading a great book right now called "Self-Esteem" by Gael Lindenfield, which talks all about recovering from low self-esteem and being hurt by others. I'd definitely recommend it.

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But people change, personalities can change. I'm a completely different person from who I used to be. At one time I was happy, ambitious and outgoing. I always saw the good in people and the world, even during bad times. Now, the things that defined who I was, the things that I knew with certainty, and everything that I believed in.......all of that is gone. I see the world differently. Even if I overcome my problems, I will still be a different person from who I was. Too much has happened for it to be otherwise.

Not too long ago in another thread I said that I was a shadow of the man I used to be, and someone made a snide remark. They acted as if I were putting on some foolish show, and its bothered me ever since. Why would I lie about this? Something terrible happened, and it changed me. It didn't just give me low self esteem and anxiety, it changed who I am almost completely.

So its not just low self esteem, its that I don't know who I am anymore, I don't know if I'm someone that people would like. But you're right, I need to get past the low self esteem and hatred that I feel for myself.

Anyway, sorry for the extra long reply! I'm reading some self help books, and I'll check out the one you recommended. Thanks!

edamame721 said:

Like a lot of other people here, I think it takes time for people to get to know you. Most people are indifferent to people they first meet, unless they share something they are both passionate about. I'm also awkward around new people. You might become more comfortable with someone if you see them on a regular basis. I'd suggest joining some sort of class or hobby group. You can also be introduced to new people through the friends you already have. Make an effort to get to know them.

And it's true that being awkward makes others awkward, so try not to think too much about whether the person likes you or not as you talk to them. *hugs*

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I don't have friends anymore, but by some miracle I do currently have a girlfriend. Maybe I can meet some people she knows. I tried socializing with people who I should get along with, but it hasn't worked out well so far. I'll keep trying, maybe it'll get better. I'll also give your advice a shot and try and not care what people think.

Sure. Some people don't give two craps about personality.

Social anxiety is like a distorted mirror, what we see is not necessarily what other people see.

Anyway, there is nothing I would classify as bad about your personality, Locke. I've liked your posts here, for example.

"anxiety, poor social skills and mistrust" don't make a person's personality bad. Personality encompasses a lot of who you are,you shouldn't think that way, it's like you're calling yourself bad person.

LeaningIntoTheMuse said:

Social anxiety is like a distorted mirror, what we see is not necessarily what other people see.

Anyway, there is nothing I would classify as bad about your personality, Locke. I've liked your posts here, for example.

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Its good to know that someone understands. And thanks, that means a lot to me. I actually didn't think you liked me. I guess that proves what you said about a distorted mirror. It also proves that I have a long way to go before I can judge what anyone thinks of me.

rdor said:

"anxiety, poor social skills and mistrust" don't make a person's personality bad. Personality encompasses a lot of who you are,you shouldn't think that way, it's like you're calling yourself bad person.

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Yeah, you're probably right. Its just hard to see who I am underneath the anxiety and poor social skills.

Anyway, thank you everyone for all of the advice and support! I've already started using the advice, and things have begun to get better for me. I'm going to try and stop worrying about if people like me and concentrate on healing. (Besides, you guys like me, right? You can admit it, its okay.....)


Thanks again!

Why wouldn't I like you? You seem like a nice person.

Stop being so hard on yourself. It's like the pot calling the kettle black, because I always think people don't like me...so don't think I don't understand. I do.