Love being alone but always feel lonely

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socialloner

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Hi all, new poster here!

I have quite a few close friends I spend most of my time with but I don't think I actually like them very much, which is why I prefer to alone, watching old films and eating ramen. Sometimes, though, I get pangs of loneliness stemming from the idea that, in fact, I have no friends who I truly enjoy spending a lot of time with and that the closest people to me (my family) live a hundred miles away and, I believe, are remarkably disappointed in me. Maybe I like being alone because I don't like putting up my normal facade all the time, but it's so hard to accept that I may not ever find someone who likes me normal. How do I come to accept this? I want to be alone and NOT lonely.

-SocialLoner
 
One of hardest things I have to do in life, and I believe all the loners who are lonely halfly by choice (introverts) is to find people that you are comfortable with. I can relate to what you are saying and for me its always a challenge to spend time with those who don't completely drain me.
I don't think you HAVE to accept this but find patience to keep meeting people that are similar to you. To explain, it means that in my last several years of search I've found three individuals who are very similar to me in terms of personality (not necessarily interests as we are all unique in some ways) which means I can spend hours casually in their company without actually having to feel pressured to talk to entertain them. It is a comfortable kind of company with mutual understanding and enjoyment which for me personally is extremely hard to find when dealing with very active, outgoing, extroverted people.
Like yourself, I have realized before that many of my friends (which I also did not have in abundance) I did not actually enjoy spending time with.. every single one of them was a highly energetic adventurer extrovert type.
 
Hey socialloner, welcome to the forum!

If you don't enjoy being around your friends because you put up a facade, then why put up the facade at all? Just be yourself.

If you just don't like your friends at all, maybe you can work on making new ones. There's no shame in outgrowing friendships, it just happens sometimes. There is also no shame in wanting to be alone, but it sounds like you need at least some social interaction.
 
Thanks for the replies!

I guess my issue is I care a lot about what other people think of me, so I put on different faces for different people leaving me pretty exhausted by the end of the day. It's so tough to go from needing the acceptance of everyone you meet to accepting yourself.
 
Hey there, welcome to the forum. Hope you'll find what you're looking for here.
 
I like my own company. Sometimes I need other people, such as to play golf you need playing partners. I enjoy their company and I am always chatting but once the golf is over that's it, I don't see them for the rest of the week. Same thing with people I work with. That's how I like it.

You should please yourself, do whatever makes you happy. If that involves spending time alone then so what ?
 
It's normal for an introvert to fell 'drained' after prolonged social interaction... But it shouldn't feel that bad if you're really enjoying yourself.
 
Just be yourself. I had a hard time trying to be myself around most of my family myself. It didn't happen over night but overtime I just felt started feeling more and more comfortable being me. It's normal to put up a front when you don't know how to act, or what people will say or judge you. Especially when it comes to being around family. Just continue to be yourself. :) I'm sure you'll come across people who you can relate more with. Hang in there!

By the way welcome to the forum! :)
 
Hi SocialLoner and welcome to ALL. I know it's hard when people don't understand your problems but let me tell you that I understand you problem completely and I'm in the exact same boat as you (I'm the guy sitting next to the cute redhead :p).

You can actually find a thread here in the Loneliness forum titled "How to deal with a conflicting mind" and that's all about that. I have people who supposedly care about me but it is just so hard for me to connect with them.

We have a few shared interests but our personalities are poles apart.

One of the things that I did was I took the pressure off myself to try to please them (I was initially doing this but now I'm not). When I tried really hard, I ended up looking really stupid and awkward and "forced" if you will, and that sort of put the wrong kind of impression on them.

So I just let it be. If I was with/around them, I would let them do most of the talking and I'd just sit by myself, listening (I like listening than talking and this is my actual self). So now, they know that I'm not a talker and they respect that. One of the things that I've realized is that some of them have ended up realizing what I like talking about so whenever I'm around with them, they bring it up so I can talk more (not in a mocking way).

Also, some of my "friends" have drifted apart because of this but it is for the best I guess.

So I won't give you the bland, useless advice of "just be yourself" because that's easier said than done. My advice would be to take the pressure of yourself of trying to please your friends and be what you want to be. Then, you wouldn't even have to try to be yourself because that'll happen on its own.

One last thing, if I may. I'm not sure about your relationship status but I kinda feel a certain emptiness which I know for a reason that "just friends" can't fill in. I don't now if you ever feel that too but if you do then you'll probably have to wait for a "special friend" for that kinda thing with whom you connect on every level possible and who won't judge you and will take you for who you are.

"Just my 2 cents" won't make a lot of sense here because all that's worth more than just 2 so I'll just end it. :)
 
SomeoneSomewhere said:
So I won't give you the bland, useless advice of "just be yourself" because that's easier said than done. My advice would be to take the pressure of yourself, to try and please your friends and be what they want you to be. Then, you wouldn't even have to try to be yourself because that'll happen on its own.

Huh?

How is being oneself easier said than done? And why should one try to be someone they're not, to be someone the friends want him/her to be? Then that's just asking for fake friends and this person, the OP, would eventually get tired of trying to put up a front of be someone he/she is not.

Personally I think that is a lot more difficult and takes up more effort than just being oneself. Friends should be able to accept you the way you are, not have you be someone you're not. If that is so, I think one might as well not have a friend.

OP, there are people who can be friends with you. It takes time to find someone whom you can connect with, but it is possible. I've made so many friends just from this forum. It takes time to search, it takes time to communicate and get to know each other and see if that person lasts long enough as a friend. If he or she doesn't, then move on and find someone else.

If you say you want to be alone but not lonely, then I think I kinda get you because I'm someone who enjoys being alone and wouldn't mind it at all. And I'm not lonely, because I try to reach out and make friends where I can, there are few who loses contact because we don't quite click, but there are also that few who have become really close to me now.

So I say, just be yourself and socialise and make friends, online or offline. To me, it doesn't matter, they are still friends anyway and if they do care, you'll see it no matter the distance.
 
@LadyForsaken

Sorry, I didn't read the post after I typed it out. It was an error and it came up completely the opposite of what I was trying to mean in my post. My bad. Corrected.
 
SomeoneSomewhere said:
So I won't give you the bland, useless advice of "just be yourself" because that's easier said than done. My advice would be to take the pressure of yourself, to try and please your friends and be what they want you to be. Then, you wouldn't even have to try to be yourself because that'll happen on its own.

That does not make any sense. It sounds like you believe that the best thing to do is to fool people into believing that you're someone your not. After they decide that they like you, apparently you can be your true self. That's not only a little deceptive, but it also sounds like a waste of time.

Being yourself around other people may not always be easy, but when you find people who like you for who you are, it'll be worth it.

Don't pretend for anyone's benefit, socialloner. Just be yourself.
 
Again Locke, even though I didn't mention the words just, be an yourself in the exact phrase like you guys did, that's what I actually meant. I just provided a more practical approach to it (by taking the pressure off oneself of trying to please people by being something that they're not).
 
SomeoneSomewhere said:
Again Locke, even though I didn't mention the words just, be an yourself in the exact phrase like you guys did, that's what I actually meant. I just provided a more practical approach to it (by taking the pressure off oneself of trying to please people by being something that they're not).

Sorry, SomeoneSomewhere. You hadn't posted that yet when I started my post, and I misunderstood. I honestly did not mean any offense.

I don't think "Just be yourself" is bland. Simple sounding, but still true. But here's another simple way to put it: If people don't like you for who you are, they don't like you, so don't bother with them.
 
Locke said:
I honestly did not mean any offense.

None taken. :D

I say things that that are bland and useless because in a real world scenario, it's extremely hard to put to use, more so for someone who suffers fro shyness and social anxiety and things like that. When people expect something of you, you are naturally forced to try and act a certain way, even if you don't mean to and are trying really hard not to. It takes a personality made out of rock-hard steel to do that!
 
SomeoneSomewhere said:
Locke said:
I honestly did not mean any offense.

None taken. :D

I say things that that are bland and useless because in a real world scenario, it's extremely hard to put to use, more so for someone who suffers fro shyness and social anxiety and things like that. When people expect something of you, you are naturally forced to try and act a certain way, even if you don't mean to and are trying really hard not to. It takes a personality made out of rock-hard steel to do that!

I understand . But I do suffer from crippling social anxiety and shyness. I stayed locked in my house for nearly four years because of my anxiety, and most days are a nightmare for me. I know very well how difficult it is to just be yourself. Walking out my front door everyday is a challenge. And actually talking to people? There are no words to describe how hard it is.

I spent the last month looking for a job, and I couldn't find one because I was either trying to be someone who I'm not, or because my anxiety and shyness got in the way. It wasn't until I said screw it, and was completely honest about who I am that I found a job. I've even found friends lately who like me for who I am, anxiety and all.

The best advice from my experience is to just be yourself. Just because you find it to be bland or too hard to be practical does not make it any less true. If anything about having social anxiety were easy, there wouldn't be a problem anyway.

EDIT: Sorry if the above came out sounding harsh, I got carried away. All any of us can do is speak from our own experience. Social Anxiety is part of who I am right now, and I much prefer being honest about it instead of trying to hide it from people, or pretending it doesn't exist.
 
Thanks for the replies y'all, your posts are remarkably refreshing and give me some hope. It's so easy for me to forget there are people who go through similar things. Seriously, thank you.
 
I think it's always easier when you find others that you can relate with. Before I used to be friends with people, who didn't even like me for who I was. At the time I was very naïve and just thought "hey I'll just go along with them and they'll like me." In the end I was only upsetting myself and always second guessing myself. I'm glad these comments helped you out though. I myself always find comfort when people let me know I'm not the only one, and others who been through similar experiences as I went through. =)
 

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