How To Stay Single.

I tried to respond to a forum about on-line dating here but I kept getting an error message that wouldn't let me post. So here is my response. I joined POF and OK Cupid to increase my chances of eventually finding someone to date but it hasn't worked. Because I have a chemistry problem. The same thing that happens in life happens on line. I'm not attracted to those who are interested in me and the ones I'm attracted to are not interested in me.

By the title, I thought the first post should say

"Stop showering."

How do you think this is what makes you single?

I know that some people have that problem because the fact that someone isn't attracted to them is what makes those people attractive. If not, I suggest you take some time to think what about the women you like attracts you, and how someone with those qualities can be turned off by someone with your qualities. If you can identify this, then you can improve on that quality, and maybe those you are attracted to you will also be attracted to you.

Shipster0958 said:

By the title, I thought the first post should say

"Stop showering."

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Hah, me too. Or something odd, like lick everyone you see, and tell them there's macaroni and cheese waiting for them at home. Watch the confusion on their face and then just walk away.

I said:

I know that some people have that problem because the fact that someone isn't attracted to them is what makes those people attractive. If not, I suggest you take some time to think what about the women you like attracts you, and how someone with those qualities can be turned off by someone with your qualities. If you can identify this, then you can improve on that quality, and maybe those you are attracted to you will also be attracted to you.

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Attraction is innate. People have no control over who they are and are not attracted to. By the way, I'm not attracted to women, not like that. They make good friends. I am a woman and straight. I often get mistakened for male on here. I think this is the second time this happened.

Alonewith2cats said:

I said:

I know that some people have that problem because the fact that someone isn't attracted to them is what makes those people attractive. If not, I suggest you take some time to think what about the women you like attracts you, and how someone with those qualities can be turned off by someone with your qualities. If you can identify this, then you can improve on that quality, and maybe those you are attracted to you will also be attracted to you.

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Attraction is innate. People have no control over who they are and are not attracted to. By the way, I'm not attracted to women, not like that. They make good friends. I am a woman and straight. I often get mistakened for male on here. I think this is the second time this happened.

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Sorry, that was inconsiderate of me. I was speaking from my own experiences so I didn't stop to think that you may not be male.

Also, what I meant isn't to try and change what people are attracted to. What I meant to say is that there might be a reason why people you are attracted to don't seem to share your feelings. I'm just trying to add a perspective, I'm sorry if I offended you in any way.

I said:

Alonewith2cats said:

I said:

I know that some people have that problem because the fact that someone isn't attracted to them is what makes those people attractive. If not, I suggest you take some time to think what about the women you like attracts you, and how someone with those qualities can be turned off by someone with your qualities. If you can identify this, then you can improve on that quality, and maybe those you are attracted to you will also be attracted to you.

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Attraction is innate. People have no control over who they are and are not attracted to. By the way, I'm not attracted to women, not like that. They make good friends. I am a woman and straight. I often get mistakened for male on here. I think this is the second time this happened.

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Sorry, that was inconsiderate of me. I was speaking from my own experiences so I didn't stop to think that you may not be male.

Also, what I meant isn't to try and change what people are attracted to. What I meant to say is that there might be a reason why people you are attracted to don't seem to share your feelings. I'm just trying to add a perspective, I'm sorry if I offended you in any way.

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That's ok. I know I have to tell people I'm a girl but I'm not offended. Well, let's see. On line I don't think I can accurately figure out why because profiles say little about the actual person. Maybe it's because I'm 39 and still have a tendency to be attracted to guys younger than me. Not like a cougar, just guys still in their 30s instead of 40s and certainly not 50. I know I'm supposed to like older at my age. But my body doesn't want older. That doesn't mean I'm not open to a little older but I tend to like the younger ones. It's as if internally I'm still 30 even though I'm physically 39. Age shouldn't matter in my opinion, it's a number really, but it's the only reason I can think of.

Maybe there are a few things here.

1) You're a woman, and from many infuriating experiences with your wonderful sex, you do tend to want what you can't have MORE because you can't have it. For example. You want to get into that size X dress, you want your bust to fill out the size X+1 dress more then it does. You want the cute guy who is going to treat you like an arse, The one who will make me and your other platonic male friends want to bury him alive one cold and moody January. The guy who would treat you like a princess, he's just friend material. (NB this is aimed at a woman so I can go off on my own sex's many failings too, but they're not appropriate here).

2) Maybe you have subconscious intimacy issues. The second someone you like seems to show you some interest, your brain realises this, panics and locks him into the 'friend' zone as a self defense mechanism. Maybe over-riding this and giving someone a chance may be the way forward. Of course when your self-defense mechanism screams - Possible psycho killer - he will wear your face as a hat..... then definitely listen.

Maybe it's just about patience and be willing to go diving out of the comfort zone, if only for a short while.

Evil_Genius said:

Maybe there are a few things here.

1) You're a woman, and from many infuriating experiences with your wonderful sex, you do tend to want what you can't have MORE because you can't have it. For example. You want to get into that size X dress, you want your bust to fill out the size X+1 dress more then it does. You want the cute guy who is going to treat you like an arse, The one who will make me and your other platonic male friends want to bury him alive one cold and moody January. The guy who would treat you like a princess, he's just friend material. (NB this is aimed at a woman so I can go off on my own sex's many failings too, but they're not appropriate here).

2) Maybe you have subconscious intimacy issues. The second someone you like seems to show you some interest, your brain realises this, panics and locks him into the 'friend' zone as a self defense mechanism. Maybe over-riding this and giving someone a chance may be the way forward. Of course when your self-defense mechanism screams - Possible psycho killer - he will wear your face as a hat..... then definitely listen.

Maybe it's just about patience and be willing to go diving out of the comfort zone, if only for a short while.

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#1 and #2 totally not true, the "Maybe it's just about patience and be willing to go diving out of the comfort zone, if only for a short while." is probably on the mark. When it comes to the internet I can't help it, I ignore messages from the ones I'm not attracted to for the reason that I don't want the awkward situation of being on a date with a total stranger I'm not attracted to, who I might have to fend off advances and dodge a kiss. Dating strangers is scary enough without these worries. But I always attract the ones I'm not attracted to, there has to be at least a little spark of interest to date someone, even if it's only a little. I'm not a shallow person at all, if someone is a good looking ******* I won't date him. If he's not conventionally hot but has a great personality and I feel attracted to him of course I'll go for him but chemistry is so important that there is no denying you have to have it to get physically tangled up with someone. Mutual attraction is seemingly impossible to find.

Hi Alone, I have a similar problem, only that I hardly ever see somebody that I could really really like, both in real life and in dating websites. And I also hear a lot " you like the bad guys", when I actually I don't, I spend my life running away from them, as they are the only ones who seemed interested in me sometimes.

What do you think about your standards? too high? too difficult? I have unfortunately pretty high standards about a guy's general culture, amount of interests in life, drive, but I have very flexible standards about money/social position, looks (up to a point), age,

Still, I spent years without meeting anyone who I find interesting, not physically attractive, one in two guys that I meet are quite attractive, interesting in the spiritual/intellectual/chemistry sense. And I am also 39, so it's becoming a bit of a problem.
Do you actually see guys who could be interesting for you, online or offline? Did you think of asking any of them "why" they don't like you? I always wanted to do that, I read that in a book, some kind of "exit interview" only from guys, only you need a friend to do it for you, there where it becomes difficult

Peaches said:

Hi Alone, I have a similar problem, only that I hardly ever see somebody that I could really really like, both in real life and in dating websites. And I also hear a lot " you like the bad guys", when I actually I don't, I spend my life running away from them, as they are the only ones who seemed interested in me sometimes.

What do you think about your standards? too high? too difficult? I have unfortunately pretty high standards about a guy's general culture, amount of interests in life, drive, but I have very flexible standards about money/social position, looks (up to a point), age,

Still, I spent years without meeting anyone who I find interesting, not physically attractive, one in two guys that I meet are quite attractive, interesting in the spiritual/intellectual/chemistry sense. And I am also 39, so it's becoming a bit of a problem.
Do you actually see guys who could be interesting for you, online or offline? Did you think of asking any of them "why" they don't like you? I always wanted to do that, I read that in a book, some kind of "exit interview" only from guys, only you need a friend to do it for you, there where it becomes difficult

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My standards? Very reasonable actually. I want him to be kind, affectionate, smart, funny, have a job, interested in going out to do fun things, and like animals (I have cats so this is a must) and I have to be attracted to him so I can kiss him, cuddle him, make out and have sex with him. I'm being very straightforward and blunt but the reality is you just can't do these things without attraction. I don't see many people either that I could really like that much, same problem as yours. I've seen some pretty interesting and attractive co-workers (can't touch those, dammit, I work with them). I like a certain guy on the bus but he only likes me as a bus buddy and he's probably a lot younger than me anyway so he probably prefers a younger woman. Why am I so attracted to Young Bucks? I don't know. I wouldn't ask someone why he doesn't like me, too embarrassing. I don't get to meet potential dates in life. I probably don't go to the right places on the weekends, don't know where to go and responsibilities get in the way, groceries, laundry....
At least I have Bob (Battery Operated Boyfriend), I'll dump him someday for somebody better.

LOL, Bob! that made me crack.

young is better, men die younger anyway half of the couples I know the guy is even ten years younger than the woman, they almost convinced me to give it a shot

that's if the guys are interested too, of course, me be no cougar (what an ugly word)

I know what you mean.

I'm 30, but I typically am attracted to girls from ages 21-27. I don't go younger (like down to 19), because of maturity issues, but I do tend to like younger women.

Now if only I could find a younger woman who liked older men. Seems like all the ones who would want me would also want me to be experienced.

LeaningIntoTheMuse said:

Now if only I could find a younger woman who liked older men. Seems like all the ones who would want me would also want me to be experienced.

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I've seen you make a comment in several threads about women being concerned about your lack of experience, but honestly, it isn't something that needs to be brought up. Don't lie if you're asked, but there's no reason to mention it unprompted - most women won't ask.

Rock the Bob!

I don't have any advice other than I think it's fine to date younger. Do it whilst thou can, sister. lol

I honestly don't know what I "go for" anymore. I've dated older, younger, and closer to my age. But one constant in my life is this: If I dated someone now, they'd have to be okay with the fact that I don't look like my age.

I'm 46 now. That may give you the impression of having grey hair, receding hairlines, wrinkles, etc. I have none of this. I like to say that I am timeless. This is, of course, not true, but I look the part so well.

Anyway, just recently, in a three day period, I was carded twice in bars and had girls barely in their Twenties look at my ID in shock because they thought I was much younger. In addition, I asked a dental hygienist to guess my age. She said 32. Simple math would tell you that she was 14 years short of my true age.

All I am saying is whoever I date must somehow match my own youthful looks, OR they must expect it to be a constant conversation point. Here's a doozy for you:

I was married to a woman five years older than me. One day, we were in the checkout line of a grocery store to pick up some stuff for the kitchen. As the cashier was ringing us up, my wife stood ready to pay as I waited near the cart. The cashier looked at me, then the cashier looked at my wife and said, innocently, "Is he your son?" My wife was mortified, and it probably had more than a little something to do with our eventual divorce. lol

But seriously, I have not attempted to parlay this gift from the genetic gods into a sexual advantage by lying about my age to fool my unsuspecting prey. Nor have I ever been tempted. I'm 46 here, and to everyone I meet on the street. People have tried to get me to lie about my age, but I won't do it. What would it serve? How would it benefit anyone?

So, I remain youthful looking at 46, and yet, still hopelessly single. lol

theraab said:

LeaningIntoTheMuse said:

Now if only I could find a younger woman who liked older men. Seems like all the ones who would want me would also want me to be experienced.

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I've seen you make a comment in several threads about women being concerned about your lack of experience, but honestly, it isn't something that needs to be brought up. Don't lie if you're asked, but there's no reason to mention it unprompted - most women won't ask.

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As a member of the fairer sex, I can attest that this is an accurate statement.

theraab said:

LeaningIntoTheMuse said:

Now if only I could find a younger woman who liked older men. Seems like all the ones who would want me would also want me to be experienced.

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I've seen you make a comment in several threads about women being concerned about your lack of experience, but honestly, it isn't something that needs to be brought up. Don't lie if you're asked, but there's no reason to mention it unprompted - most women won't ask.

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I'm ashamed to bring it up. I think it would be something that would create a problem.

Peaches said:

I have unfortunately pretty high standards about a guy's general culture, amount of interests in life, drive, but I have very flexible standards about money/social position, looks (up to a point), age,

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Frankly it sounds like there are a lot of requirements you don't mention, flexible or not. Anyway, either of you smart, funny, ambitious, into doing a lot of fun things etc? Probably not to the extent you wish for in a guy.

Case said:

All I am saying is whoever I date must somehow match my own youthful looks, OR they must expect it to be a constant conversation point.

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OR....

She just needs to display a very SMUG face to whomever points out that (they think) she's with a younger man. *smirk*