angel_in_view
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- Aug 31, 2011
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Hi. I hope y'all can give some helpful advice that I can use to help my friend. I'm supportive of her as always, but I'm at a loss as to what else I can do.
She's been dating a guy for a little over a year. I use the word dating loosely bc honestly, they've been apart more than together. What do I mean by that? Well, the amount of time they've actually seen & been around eachother is equivalent to about 5 months. When she 1st met him, she was hesitant bc she typically doesn't date men w/kids. He has 2 from a prev. marriage. But, she decided to give it a try bc he seemed to have it together(good job, owns his home, car, takes care of his kids, etc). Well, things have been challenging to say the least. About a month into the relationship, she found out he has trust issues stemming from his failed marriage. Apparently, the ex really did a number on him & instead of dealing w/things, he just took off. After returning, things were finally settled & he ended up w/the kids bc she was ruled to be unfit. Now that they are almost grown, she's interested in them. When my friend learned all of this, she felt sry for him. Then, other things started happening.
She found out he isn't a big Holiday/Bday/Special Event person(which she found strange considering he raised 2 kids from toddler stage) and would just be MIA during those times. He's left her hanging 2-3 times. Then, he'd just reappear like nothing is wrong. He never had an explanation, flimsy excuse or anything. When she expressed her disgust, he would tell her he didn't understand why she's mad/sad etc. When he did this, she was so upset that she contemplated ending things then. However, she didn't bc she always went back to the whole "going through turmoil w/the ex" drama and she felt sry for him. (which I think was a mistake, but it wasn't up to me).
As the months have gone by, things haven't gotten much better. They've had a handfull of good times but she's been exposed to other issues and situations. She finally confronted him about things and explained that she loves him but feels like she's wasted all this time bc they've gotten absolutely no-where. The "love" part blew my mind bc from everything I'd heard from her over all these months, there was absolutely NOTHING that indicated love was even in the picture. He told her that he's sry if he is acting funny, bc he really doesn't mean to. He told her he hasn't dated since the divorce (12+ yrs) and he's just gotten used to not having to "answer" to anyone. He's used to just coming/going as he pleases and focuses on him & the kids bc they are priority. Well, this only made her MORE upset bc that made her feel like she wasn't even important to him. When she asked me about it, I told her I understand being "out of the game" for several years, BUT if he was serious about wanting to date again, he had to realize he can't act like that. ---Anyway, once he said that to her, she decided that she's gonna keep this going.
I told her that no-one can tell her what to do bc she's the one who has to be in the relationship w/him. However, I did tell her that she's a strong woman bc there are not many that I know who would be willing to continue after all that. Don't get me wrong...I understand he went through some crazy mess w/his ex and that left him w/some MAJOR relationship shortfalls. That can happen to anyone w/o warning and its really sad. Still though, it just seems to be something kind of "off" about the whole thing. You would think if someone had been hurt as badly as he was, and they ended up finding a nice, trustworthy person, they'd do WHATEVER THEY COULD to make sure they treated them right. You'd think they would be happy & thankful that the good Lord brought someone decent into their life. The last thing they'd do is treat that person like they didn't even care!
So, what do y'all think? Should she cut losses & move on? Or..keep pressing on and working w/him hoping one day he'll finally get it & appreciate what a good woman she is?
She's been dating a guy for a little over a year. I use the word dating loosely bc honestly, they've been apart more than together. What do I mean by that? Well, the amount of time they've actually seen & been around eachother is equivalent to about 5 months. When she 1st met him, she was hesitant bc she typically doesn't date men w/kids. He has 2 from a prev. marriage. But, she decided to give it a try bc he seemed to have it together(good job, owns his home, car, takes care of his kids, etc). Well, things have been challenging to say the least. About a month into the relationship, she found out he has trust issues stemming from his failed marriage. Apparently, the ex really did a number on him & instead of dealing w/things, he just took off. After returning, things were finally settled & he ended up w/the kids bc she was ruled to be unfit. Now that they are almost grown, she's interested in them. When my friend learned all of this, she felt sry for him. Then, other things started happening.
She found out he isn't a big Holiday/Bday/Special Event person(which she found strange considering he raised 2 kids from toddler stage) and would just be MIA during those times. He's left her hanging 2-3 times. Then, he'd just reappear like nothing is wrong. He never had an explanation, flimsy excuse or anything. When she expressed her disgust, he would tell her he didn't understand why she's mad/sad etc. When he did this, she was so upset that she contemplated ending things then. However, she didn't bc she always went back to the whole "going through turmoil w/the ex" drama and she felt sry for him. (which I think was a mistake, but it wasn't up to me).
As the months have gone by, things haven't gotten much better. They've had a handfull of good times but she's been exposed to other issues and situations. She finally confronted him about things and explained that she loves him but feels like she's wasted all this time bc they've gotten absolutely no-where. The "love" part blew my mind bc from everything I'd heard from her over all these months, there was absolutely NOTHING that indicated love was even in the picture. He told her that he's sry if he is acting funny, bc he really doesn't mean to. He told her he hasn't dated since the divorce (12+ yrs) and he's just gotten used to not having to "answer" to anyone. He's used to just coming/going as he pleases and focuses on him & the kids bc they are priority. Well, this only made her MORE upset bc that made her feel like she wasn't even important to him. When she asked me about it, I told her I understand being "out of the game" for several years, BUT if he was serious about wanting to date again, he had to realize he can't act like that. ---Anyway, once he said that to her, she decided that she's gonna keep this going.
I told her that no-one can tell her what to do bc she's the one who has to be in the relationship w/him. However, I did tell her that she's a strong woman bc there are not many that I know who would be willing to continue after all that. Don't get me wrong...I understand he went through some crazy mess w/his ex and that left him w/some MAJOR relationship shortfalls. That can happen to anyone w/o warning and its really sad. Still though, it just seems to be something kind of "off" about the whole thing. You would think if someone had been hurt as badly as he was, and they ended up finding a nice, trustworthy person, they'd do WHATEVER THEY COULD to make sure they treated them right. You'd think they would be happy & thankful that the good Lord brought someone decent into their life. The last thing they'd do is treat that person like they didn't even care! So, what do y'all think? Should she cut losses & move on? Or..keep pressing on and working w/him hoping one day he'll finally get it & appreciate what a good woman she is?
