Alonewith2cats
Well-known member
I've been finding that this relatively new lifestyle I'm living and I've only been doing this for 2 years (I don't want to discuss the details of my last 11 year relationship and the break up, I'm leaving this out of the discussion) living alone with just my 2 cats is difficult for me. That craving that I have for physical affection in particular, and the almost complete absence of it, 99% of my days I can't get a hug from anyone except a pillow or one of my cats, is so super strong that no matter how hard I try not to need it or fight the need for it, I can't and I've been thinking about how I'm strong enough to hang on for about 10 or 15 years. Right now I'm 39 years old. I'm not as young as I used to be but still young enough. Should I find myself living this same lifestyle 10 to 15 years from now, (living alone and deprived of being able to give and receive physical contact and affection with another human being) by then I'll be in my 50s. Women in their 50s are much less desirable than younger women, then at that point I'm going to want to swallow a bottle of lethal sleeping pills. It shocks me that I'm thinking this because I am not the kind of person to consider suicide, not even 10 to 15 years from now but I've been pretty depressed with my lifestyle and it's only been 2 years. And yet I feel guilty for feeling this way because it's pretty selfish but I can't help it. I know it's not like solitary confinement, I can leave my home and I do get together with girl friends every now and then so there is some social support but I'm not really happy. I tried counseling, it hasn't helped. I just wish I could change this state of mind because I often find myself in tears while alone in my apartment and I don't usually get much sleep. There must be something wrong with me for not being able to be happy regardless. I go to work Monday through Friday, then come home feeling pretty down on a regular basis. Some weekends are good, some are not. I know it's not healthy or normal so if it just stays the same or gets worse as I get older I'm going to have to say goodbye but I'm giving it a fair chance of 10 to 15 years to see if there is a way to change the situation.