Might be leaving in 10-15 years (but I hope not).

I've been finding that this relatively new lifestyle I'm living and I've only been doing this for 2 years (I don't want to discuss the details of my last 11 year relationship and the break up, I'm leaving this out of the discussion) living alone with just my 2 cats is difficult for me. That craving that I have for physical affection in particular, and the almost complete absence of it, 99% of my days I can't get a hug from anyone except a pillow or one of my cats, is so super strong that no matter how hard I try not to need it or fight the need for it, I can't and I've been thinking about how I'm strong enough to hang on for about 10 or 15 years. Right now I'm 39 years old. I'm not as young as I used to be but still young enough. Should I find myself living this same lifestyle 10 to 15 years from now, (living alone and deprived of being able to give and receive physical contact and affection with another human being) by then I'll be in my 50s. Women in their 50s are much less desirable than younger women, then at that point I'm going to want to swallow a bottle of lethal sleeping pills. It shocks me that I'm thinking this because I am not the kind of person to consider suicide, not even 10 to 15 years from now but I've been pretty depressed with my lifestyle and it's only been 2 years. And yet I feel guilty for feeling this way because it's pretty selfish but I can't help it. I know it's not like solitary confinement, I can leave my home and I do get together with girl friends every now and then so there is some social support but I'm not really happy. I tried counseling, it hasn't helped. I just wish I could change this state of mind because I often find myself in tears while alone in my apartment and I don't usually get much sleep. There must be something wrong with me for not being able to be happy regardless. I go to work Monday through Friday, then come home feeling pretty down on a regular basis. Some weekends are good, some are not. I know it's not healthy or normal so if it just stays the same or gets worse as I get older I'm going to have to say goodbye but I'm giving it a fair chance of 10 to 15 years to see if there is a way to change the situation.

I feel for you. You say that you don't feel happy or normal, and that you've given yourself a 10-15 year suicidal deadline. This is the message of someone in pain, and you should look for a therapist to work out how you feel about yourself and to improve these thoughts. I did, and I turned my life around.

You should also try not to define your happiness by hugs and physical contact. See the life you have now and see what is good about it now. Try for small improvements each day, and eventually, you can find happiness in any situation.

The more you define your life by what you DON'T have, the more depressed you'll be. And please, ditch the 10-15 year suicide plan. What's better is if you make a new plan that involves promising yourself that you will be positive in every situation, no matter what happens.

Easier said than done, I know, but nothing positive can happen unless you take that first step toward wellness.

Case said:

You should also try not to define your happiness by hugs and physical contact.

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Ok, I'll try to be completely happy without it and stop wanting it. I guess people don't really need it and I shouldn't be feeling this need at all. I'll try to banish it.

Alonewith2cats said:

Ok, I'll try to be completely happy without it and stop wanting it. I guess people don't really need it and I shouldn't be feeling this need at all. I'll try to banish it.

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I think what Case means is that if you're able to find happiness on your own you'll be in a much better position to find what you're looking for. I agree with him, you sound like you need to learn to love yourself more before you can expect someone else to love you.

Your message strikes me as being troubled and if you're feeling particularly bad, it will come across to guys. You need to be comfortable with your life before you can expect anyone to want to be with you.

I hope things work out for you. If you ever want to talk about the details privately, feel free to PM me.

To me It's not really a self-esteem issue as much as it is about feeling isolated and disconnected a lot. I just know I can't live this lifestyle forever, even if I love myself. I don't think anyone can help me, honestly. I'll end this topic right here.

Alonewith2cats said:

I'll end this topic right here.

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I'll respect that but I want to end by saying that happiness is out there. I really do hope you find someone to share your life with and I'm sure it will happen for you one day, probably when you least expect it.

Good luck and don't give up!

I understand completely, I think, because I am in exactly the same situation except for the cats, only I put the deadline really close, like one year or six months, that usually really gets my ass moving to take steps to change things. Before i didn't take steps and things were more or less the same for many years, so I guess if one keeps doing the same things nothing will change.
PS if you feel like a chat or something, PM me

Case said:

I feel for you. You say that you don't feel happy or normal, and that you've given yourself a 10-15 year suicidal deadline. This is the message of someone in pain, and you should look for a therapist to work out how you feel about yourself and to improve these thoughts. I did, and I turned my life around.

You should also try not to define your happiness by hugs and physical contact. See the life you have now and see what is good about it now. Try for small improvements each day, and eventually, you can find happiness in any situation.

The more you define your life by what you DON'T have, the more depressed you'll be. And please, ditch the 10-15 year suicide plan. What's better is if you make a new plan that involves promising yourself that you will be positive in every situation, no matter what happens.

Easier said than done, I know, but nothing positive can happen unless you take that first step toward wellness.

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I'll try to ditch the 10-15 year suicide plan, that was me feeling really down that day. I probably wouldn't have the guts to do it anyway. But I have to tell you that it is 100% impossible for me to deny my innate human need for physical affection. If I try to fight against it or act like I don't need it then these feelings become even stronger. I would never burden anyone with this as I would hate to come across as needy to anyone but I will definitely seek it out and get it whenever I can. American psychologist and educator Virginia Satir said "We need 4 hugs a day for survival, 8 hugs a day for maintenance and 12 a day for growth." That's totally unrealistic for many of course. I don't need that many but zero per day on 99% of days over a period of years is touch starvation and I can't help it if it is the reason I feel lonely. Scientific studies have been done on monkeys and babies regarding this. I'll shut up now.

Its hard to argue the specific reasons not to kill yourself, because, at the end of the day, its such an internal struggle that the person will ultimately convince themself, one way or the other. But, I think that you can create a self-fulfilling prophecy by just convincing yourself that you are suicidal.

I think, setting a date that far in the future, shows that you probably won't be suicidal. From personal experience, I think, regardless of the situation, there are people who are either more or less inclined to kill themselves. That isn't an entirely determinant factor, but I think it accounts for a lot. You really don't seem to view life as not worth living, you are just anxious about how it will turn out. If you really thought life was hopeless, the thought of suicide would be much more immediate.
So, for what its worth, you don't seem to want out of life. You seem to want to change your life, and you can't do that if you die. The sooner you accept that the urge to give up will never outweigh the hope of something better, the sooner you will be able find the confidence to work on it.

Alonewith2cats said:

American psychologist and educator Virginia Satir said "We need 4 hugs a day for survival, 8 hugs a day for maintenance and 12 a day for growth." That's totally unrealistic for many of course. I don't need that many but zero per day on 99% of days over a period of years is touch starvation and I can't help it if it is the reason I feel lonely. Scientific studies have been done on monkeys and babies regarding this.

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I get little to nothing myself, and I also struggle. I wish I had a regular amount of physical affection in my life, and the absence is hard to handle. But four hugs a day for survival would not be necessary for me. One per day would be plenty to satisfy me.

Alonewith2cats said:

I'll shut up now.

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I apologize. I didn't mean to imply by my message that you should not be free to express yourself. I just think that you are a unique person and you are worth more to this world alive than not.

Thank you to everyone for your replies. I feel better today.