Confused and tired

I have a penpal from across the state who I share my troubles with and discuss a number of intellectual topics with. He doesn't seem to see it as me taking advantage of him. He normally just comments on them, doesn't open up in return though(did once or twice about a breakup, but he doesn't have many problems). My life is kinda pathetic right now. But I kinda feel like if I weren't "reporting to" him anymore I'd feel that making changes would be easier, like he wouldn't be watching anymore. But I've been talking to him for months and we starting to get close, and maybe become friends too. But friends tend to keep track of each others' lives rather than just talking about abstract social issues and ideas we have while living our disparate lives, and I would definitely miss all the discussions, but I don't think I can keep talking about nothing. I feel like if I could have a month or two I could make something. Should I (somehow) tell him I don't want to email anymore, or alter our relationship? I've already scaled back the emails to once weekly and I can barely write a few lines at that. I just don't know what at all to say to him.

You could tell him that you would like a deeper friendship than what you currently have with him, and say that you don't have time or patience for anything else right now.

I know that sounds like a ultimatum, but at least its honest.

There's nothing wrong with with wanting to alter the relationship. You just have to find the right way to approach it I guess. At least once you ask him you'll get a better idea about what he wants from the relationship and that will just put you in a better position to make a decision.

Locke said:

You could tell him that you would like a deeper friendship than what you currently have with him, and say that you don't have time or patience for anything else right now.

I know that sounds like a ultimatum, but at least its honest.

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What with all my deficits, I've disappointed him a lot. I suppose that's what I'm afraid of doing now.

Runciter said:

There's nothing wrong with with wanting to alter the relationship. You just have to find the right way to approach it I guess. At least once you ask him you'll get a better idea about what he wants from the relationship and that will just put you in a better position to make a decision.

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I don't actually know why I wrote the words "alter the relationship" anymore. I guess...just, how would you guys react if someone you emailed with told you they needed time away? Like I said; it's just email - so why should it be so hard for me to type a few sentences to him? But also it's just email -the least intimate way you can connect to someone, so why should it even matter if I just stop messaging him? Maybe I have too stringent a definition of friendship, cause he did actually ask what's up and if I've fallen off the planet or something. How much responsibility should any kind of penpal (of this length of correspondence - about five months) have to you?

murmi97 said:

I don't actually know why I wrote the words "alter the relationship" anymore. I guess...just, how would you guys react if someone you emailed with told you they needed time away? Like I said; it's just email - so why should it be so hard for me to type a few sentences to him? But also it's just email -the least intimate way you can connect to someone, so why should it even matter if I just stop messaging him? Maybe I have too stringent a definition of friendship, cause he did actually ask what's up and if I've fallen off the planet or something. How much responsibility should any kind of penpal (of this length of correspondence - about five months) have to you?

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Personally, I wouldn't take an ounce of offense, you owe each other nothing and if you told me you wanted some place I'd respect your decision. However, if you fell of the face of the Earth, I would probably left wondering why and could probably only conclude that it was somehow my fault. Whatever decision you make, I think you'll feel better if you inform him of it. I know it isn't exactly always easy, but I'd respect you a lot more of you was just honest with me. This is just my view but I hope it helps, in one way or another.

Given that you say that just a friendship is no more than a 'maybe', I don't think either of you owe the other anything beyond courtesy.

this is a very interesting thread, how much responsibility has any friend, penpal, chat, bar companion, or otherwise, have to you? Is there a contract somewhere in the beginning of the relationship that says what the relationship means, like in secondary school writing on each other's diaries "Wendy and Lisa best friends forever" or something like that? I also find very difficult to understand what is going on, I guess you just see what are your limits, and if they want to respect them they are in, if not, they are out. Mmmm, this does sound like an ultimatum, but what to do?

PS from recent, still hurtful, experience: if you feel that they don't care that much, don't bother say anything, just stop looking for him.
Also, if he never opened up before, after you opened up first, it is unlikely that he will start now.

I did it. I asked for his approval like a toddler, but I did it. Thanks everyone for the insight

Peaches said:

this is a very interesting thread, how much responsibility has any friend, penpal, chat, bar companion, or otherwise, have to you? Is there a contract somewhere in the beginning of the relationship that says what the relationship means, like in secondary school writing on each other's diaries "Wendy and Lisa best friends forever" or something like that? I also find very difficult to understand what is going on, I guess you just see what are your limits, and if they want to respect them they are in, if not, they are out. Mmmm, this does sound like an ultimatum, but what to do?

PS from recent, still hurtful, experience: if you feel that they don't care that much, don't bother say anything, just stop looking for him.
Also, if he never opened up before, after you opened up first, it is unlikely that he will start now.

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I'd say (only from observation though) that there's a checklist of things you should have in a relationship for you to be able to have an expectation of keeping the thing going.
-rapport/chemistry
-sharing/openness
-ability to tease each other, look/be stupid together and joke around without holding back
-honesty when they need to improve/dishonesty when they need to stop worrying so much about what others think
-of course; healthy boundaries and a lack of manipulation

All I can think of right now.

The only things you need is acceptance, understanding and enjoyment.

The first two comes mostly hand in hand, not always though. The second I meant in a context of having similiar interests or whatever you both like that keeps you writing,seeing, smth with him/her.