teenage rejection still affecting me

Hi everyone. I've had to do a reflective essay lately, and I've been thinking back a bit, and I went through a really traumatic period when I was in year 9 at high school.

Some people might think this would be a trivial thing. What happened was in an effort to make friends I found myself hanging with a couple of girls who thought I was stupid, boring and a dag (Australian for ungainly person, used by teenage girls to stigmatise). Unfortunately I internalised their negative opinion of me. I would say something, and be met with "God you're ....". It's something I remember vividly. I never actually thought that anyone would think that of me, or hate me that much. But I was wrong.

I got away from them after about 9 months and had some more friends in years 11 and 12.But they say social rejection, once it happens, tends to continue. To cut a long story short, the rest of my teens I struggled with mental illness (depression) and social problems, until when I was about 20 I decided I couldn't make any more friends for fear of rejection. And there it's stayed, basically. I'm 42 now, not surprisingly I've never had a boyfriend or had sex. I've never even been on a date! There've been a few who've been half interested, but they weren't that into me, and I couldn't make anything out of it. But I can't get online like other people and ask why, because I know the answer underneath. I'm boring and stupid! I've had it confirmed many times by many people who think this.

This is my deep dark secret (along with my virginity) and I've buried it because I don't consciously think that way anymore but it is still there. Tried a few therapists as well but basically things had already got too bad before I went.

It seems incredible that a 9 month period so many years ago changed the course of my life and is still affecting me.

A lot of people, including my mother, might think it was stupid and weak of me to get so upset about this. But that's a very sensitive age and it shook a core belief in myself, which has never really come back. I'm jealous of people who still have it. And I didn't have the insights and experience back then that I have now, otherwise I might have handled it differently.

Does this sound stupid to people, or understandable?

Kids are so impressionable at that age, it isn't unusual for some kind of trauma to have an effect on the rest of their lives.

I feel for you though, it must be hard to look back on knowing that it changed the rest of your life. I can completely understand and I'm sure the others here will too.

I wouldn't assume that you're boring or stupid though, this could just be the depression and anxiety talking. Try to go easy on yourself. Do you have any hobbies that can help to take your mind off things?

The main reason I have trouble asking out women now is because of the way they treated me between the ages of 12 and 17.

I have a hard time seeing myself as a sexually attractive man. I think, sexually, I stopped maturing at the age of 17.

Runciter said:

Kids are so impressionable at that age, it isn't unusual for some kind of trauma to have an effect on the rest of their lives.

I feel for you though, it must be hard to look back on knowing that it changed the rest of your life. I can completely understand and I'm sure the others here will too.

I wouldn't assume that you're boring or stupid though, this could just be the depression and anxiety talking. Try to go easy on yourself. Do you have any hobbies that can help to take your mind off things?

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Thanks Runciter! I've started taking drum lessons lately which I love and I've actually got some potential. Unfortunately I'm a little too old to get the most out of it, but it's something.

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LeaningIntoTheMuse said:

The main reason I have trouble asking out women now is because of the way they treated me between the ages of 12 and 17.

I have a hard time seeing myself as a sexually attractive man. I think, sexually, I stopped maturing at the age of 17.

Click to expand...

Yeah, I can relate to that. It stays with you. I don't think the hookup culture/meat market thing is for people like us. In my case it goes deeper than sexual attractiveness though, for what it's worth I've worked on my appearance and grown reasonably attractive - though I'm not Scarlett Johansen! I think you should concentrate on making friends with women and if one of them likes you, you'll know it.

Glowgirl said:

Some people might think this would be a trivial thing.

...

A lot of people, including my mother, might think it was stupid and weak of me to get so upset about this. But that's a very sensitive age and it shook a core belief in myself, which has never really come back. I'm jealous of people who still have it. And I didn't have the insights and experience back then that I have now, otherwise I might have handled it differently.

Does this sound stupid to people, or understandable?

Click to expand...

Hey GlowGirl.

I've shared an article here in the Essential Articles section titled "This explains a lot about loneliness...". In that article, you can find the author mentioning an instance where an experiment is conducted which consisted of a simple 3-player game. A volunteer is asked to play that game but the catch is that 2 of the 3 players are controlled by the computer itself.

It is designed in a way that after a while, the computer starts playing on its own, basically, rejecting the human player. You can read about how it affected the volunteers, the physical symptoms they experienced (spoiler: I think they experienced the same symptoms as someone being physically hurt. So that explains why a lot of people who have been through physical abuse, bullying, etc. have such a hard time making connections in real life and therefore, it is natural for the rejected to feel that way), etc.

Here's the video (just looked it up, glad I could find it. Funny, I wasn't expecting the last bit. That's your solution I guess, technically speaking):

[video=youtube]

What this means is, what you are feeling and what you have felt is completely normal. I'm a 21 year old guy and while I must have felt it all along my school life, I never ever noticed it up until my college.

I was with a group of around 4-5 guys and the same number of girls and the girls pretty much spoke with every other guy but me. When I tried to speak, I was ignored as if I was a ghost and it affected me in a huge way too. I haven't been able to converse or even make eye contact with a single girl for the all these years and I know for a reason that it is going to stay with me for a while. Only, I choose not to give it any importance (the incidence and basically, the girls who did that).

So I don't know what solution I'm suggesting to your problem but I'm just saying that you are not alone in what you have experienced. Fear of rejection is a major part of what a lot of people feel here at ALL and is isn't small or trivial so you aren't weak.

I hope you are able to deal with it and we're all here if you need to talk about it.

It is completely understandable. Even one bad day can have a negative effect on a person's life, and you had to endure 9 months of hell. I know what you mean about being jealous of people who still have that core belief in themselves, I don't think most know how special and fragile a thing that is.

Like SomeoneSomewhere said, you're not alone. A lot of us here fear rejection.

What hurts even worse is that nobody even wants to be with me.

I could take a bad breakup, because I would remember the good memories. But no memories, at all, hurts even worse.

Glowgirl said:

A lot of people, including my mother, might think it was stupid and weak of me to get so upset about this. But that's a very sensitive age and it shook a core belief in myself, which has never really come back. I'm jealous of people who still have it. And I didn't have the insights and experience back then that I have now, otherwise I might have handled it differently.

Does this sound stupid to people, or understandable?

Click to expand...

It doesn't help with no support, my mom is the same way. They just don't realize that we aren't them, we don't deal with things the same way. Kids can be cruel and at that age don't realize what they say and do can affect a person down the road.

I don't think it sounds stupid at all, completely understand.

I know exactly what you mean..
just before I started highschool, my 2 childhood best friends moved away to another city. I was left to start a new school alone, and so I clung to a small group of guys I met during that summer. I thought I was fitting in well and it gave me comfort to not stand alone during lunch and breaks. until one lunch hour when I went to the place they normally are, but they weren't there that day.. so I started to look around for them. I managed to catch a glimpse of one going around a corner, and I attempted to catch up, but as I got around the corner, I saw them turning another corner. as I was gaining on them I realized that it wasn't that they hadn't seen me.. it was that they were trying to dodge me and get away!
my heart sank with the realization that I wasn't wanted in their group.

that has stayed with me for the rest of my life, and repeated itself in similar ways a few times with other "friends" as well. I often feel like it's me, or my fault. that I drive people away and my personality is flawed.
but when I shake off the self pity and insecurity, I realize that it was more their problem then my own in reality.
my problem is, that I was looking for the wrong friends. trying to fit myself into a group that I didn't actually fit in to. and THAT has been my actual problem.
when I think back on situations it seems clearer. when I feel hurt by how someone I felt was a friend treated me, who's fault is that?
my initial reaction was to blame myself for what ever perceived things I did to cause them to be jerks towards me.
in retrospect it is clear though, that they were just jerks that had no concern for other peoples feelings.

I know this is amateur psychologist of me but do you think your life would have taken a different course if that experience in your childhood hadn't occurred?

Some element of bullying in childhood is very common, but where as others may not give it a second thought in adult life you've never been able to move on. So I feel (and this is just my view) its not so much those events that caused your life to turn out the way it has, but more your innate sensitivity means that you were probably always destined to be the way you are. Some people are very fragile, life can be cruel and they often seem to be missing some core component that enables them to be able to cope with events.

I'm not trying to disparage what you've written at all, I'm just discussing around it really, I think we are largely who we are and events at certain times really just bring those various aspects of our personality to the fore, at 9 this was maybe the first time your sensitivity was tested and you became really aware of it. Our personalities are probably both a result of nature and nurture but I think most human minds can be robust enough to assimilate a certain amount of rejection and allow it to pick itself up again afterwards.

I don't know if there’s any benefit in the above, other than perhaps not looking back to a moment in your life where things changed but instead considering that you were maybe born and perhaps always would have been a sensitive soul regardless of events.

LeaningIntoTheMuse said:

The main reason I have trouble asking out women now is because of the way they treated me between the ages of 12 and 17.

I have a hard time seeing myself as a sexually attractive man. I think, sexually, I stopped maturing at the age of 17.

Click to expand...

This.

It's one .. and probably the biggest .. reason why I feel that I must be some kind of hideous monster that nobody wants to be around or touch.

Sometimes I feel like I've been socially stunted from about 12 years of age. Saw other guys get girlfriends. They got to go on dates, have their first kiss, and eventually, have sex. They found someone .. often more than one .. person who wanted to be with them. No matter their intelligence, or what they looked like. Or even how they treated their girlfriends. And yet, the best I could do ... and still have ... is to be ignored, only talked to, have the carrot of that kiss, or sex, or love, dangled in front of me as a joke. To be laughed at, before being reminded that .. huh .. that nobody would ever want to be with me.

These days, I often get the feeling that people (male and female) don't even want me to look at them, make eye contact with them. It's even difficult to talk online to people, because it now always feels like I'm being kept at a distance. That I'm not allowed to get close to someone. Not that I have many to talk to though ...

It's something, I've found, that very few people understand, because quiet simply, they never went through this. Therapists don't understand it. I get told to go and pay for it, but, you can't buy the affection. The sense that someone, at the very least, cares ... and wants you, or even just lets you, care about them too.

It's a very emotional and frustrating subject for me. Because it feels that nobody really understands what it's like to not know what it feels like to hold hands, or to kiss, or to even have a close .. even best .. friend.

Cucuboth said:

LeaningIntoTheMuse said:

The main reason I have trouble asking out women now is because of the way they treated me between the ages of 12 and 17.

I have a hard time seeing myself as a sexually attractive man. I think, sexually, I stopped maturing at the age of 17.

Click to expand...

This.

It's one .. and probably the biggest .. reason why I feel that I must be some kind of hideous monster that nobody wants to be around or touch.

Sometimes I feel like I've been socially stunted from about 12 years of age. Saw other guys get girlfriends. They got to go on dates, have their first kiss, and eventually, have sex. They found someone .. often more than one .. person who wanted to be with them. No matter their intelligence, or what they looked like. Or even how they treated their girlfriends. And yet, the best I could do ... and still have ... is to be ignored, only talked to, have the carrot of that kiss, or sex, or love, dangled in front of me as a joke. To be laughed at, before being reminded that .. huh .. that nobody would ever want to be with me.

These days, I often get the feeling that people (male and female) don't even want me to look at them, make eye contact with them. It's even difficult to talk online to people, because it now always feels like I'm being kept at a distance. That I'm not allowed to get close to someone. Not that I have many to talk to though ...

Click to expand...

I never knew I had this problem up until I got this lonely, I mean that's when I realized that I didn't have a single friend from the opposite sex and it started to bother me. In school, I usually hung out with the fat, the weird and other kind of rejects so girls were never a focus for us (though I saw a few girls take an interest in some of my friends, it didn't really bother me because I had my hopes pinned on finding someone in college). Now that we got into college and every one of those guys I hung out with have found someone and I haven't, it just gets hard to take at times.

Cucuboth said:

It's something, I've found, that very few people understand, because quiet simply, they never went through this. Therapists don't understand it. I get told to go and pay for it, but, you can't buy the affection. The sense that someone, at the very least, cares ... and wants you, or even just lets you, care about them too.

It's a very emotional and frustrating subject for me. Because it feels that nobody really understands what it's like to not know what it feels like to hold hands, or to kiss, or to even have a close .. even best .. friend.

Click to expand...

I guess the reason why different people want that "someone" is very different. For me, yes, is does involve care and wanting someone to care for but it is mostly about acceptance. All my life, I've fought long and hard to feel accepted by people and finding someone who wants to be with me will just give me that.

P.S. An emotional and frustrating subject for me too.

Lippy_Kid said:

I know this is amateur psychologist of me but do you think your life would have taken a different course if that experience in your childhood hadn't occurred?

Some element of bullying in childhood is very common, but where as others may not give it a second thought in adult life you've never been able to move on. So I feel (and this is just my view) its not so much those events that caused your life to turn out the way it has, but more your innate sensitivity means that you were probably always destined to be the way you are. Some people are very fragile, life can be cruel and they often seem to be missing some core component that enables them to be able to cope with events.

I'm not trying to disparage what you've written at all, I'm just discussing around it really, I think we are largely who we are and events at certain times really just bring those various aspects of our personality to the fore, at 9 this was maybe the first time your sensitivity was tested and you became really aware of it. Our personalities are probably both a result of nature and nurture but I think most human minds can be robust enough to assimilate a certain amount of rejection and allow it to pick itself up again afterwards.

I don't know if there’s any benefit in the above, other than perhaps not looking back to a moment in your life where things changed but instead considering that you were maybe born and perhaps always would have been a sensitive soul regardless of events.

Click to expand...

I don't know whether my life would have been better or not! Unquestionably, it would have been different. You're right that I'm pretty sensitive, there's a predisposition towards depression in my family that probably would have come out under stress at some time. I can't see this sort of rejection as being something that everybody goes through though. I wasn't 9, I was in year 9 at school, 13-4. In my environment having no friends was really stigmatised at that age, and the worst thing you could be was a reject. Things happened to me when I was a kid that I got over and I had an older brother at home who hated me and put me down constantly, I agree these things are just a part of childhood. If I thought social rejection by that age was something everyone went through, it wouldn't worry me so much. By that age, I think most people's friendships have stabilised a bit more and it's just not something that happens to most people. If I could see it your way it would give me comfort!

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Walley said:

I know exactly what you mean..
just before I started highschool, my 2 childhood best friends moved away to another city. I was left to start a new school alone, and so I clung to a small group of guys I met during that summer. I thought I was fitting in well and it gave me comfort to not stand alone during lunch and breaks. until one lunch hour when I went to the place they normally are, but they weren't there that day.. so I started to look around for them. I managed to catch a glimpse of one going around a corner, and I attempted to catch up, but as I got around the corner, I saw them turning another corner. as I was gaining on them I realized that it wasn't that they hadn't seen me.. it was that they were trying to dodge me and get away!
my heart sank with the realization that I wasn't wanted in their group.

that has stayed with me for the rest of my life, and repeated itself in similar ways a few times with other "friends" as well. I often feel like it's me, or my fault. that I drive people away and my personality is flawed.
but when I shake off the self pity and insecurity, I realize that it was more their problem then my own in reality.
my problem is, that I was looking for the wrong friends. trying to fit myself into a group that I didn't actually fit in to. and THAT has been my actual problem.
when I think back on situations it seems clearer. when I feel hurt by how someone I felt was a friend treated me, who's fault is that?
my initial reaction was to blame myself for what ever perceived things I did to cause them to be jerks towards me.
in retrospect it is clear though, that they were just jerks that had no concern for other peoples feelings.

Click to expand...

That's rough Walley! I feel your pain. It kind of makes you feel like the omega character in a sitcom, except that it's you and it's not funny! Most people actually have someone in their group of friends who they don't particularly like, but they make the effort to accept them rather than do something as nasty as this. You're right that they were jerks.